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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the washing up

141 replies

ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 07:29

I work 3 days a week as a teacher which is about 38 hours a week work in term time.

I also do all the meal planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking and usually the washing up and the childcare/school run 4 days a week.

I've had words with DH over this but it goes back to the above after a week of 'helping more'.

DH cooked a mothers day roast dinner yesterday for me, our 3 kids and his parents.

This morning I have come down to a mountain of washing up.

AIBU to leave the washing up and refuse to do it? If I'd known I'd end up doing it then I would have done a salad for mothers day!

YABU = just do the washing up and be grateful he cooked.

YANBU = leave the washing up. He cooked and made the mess so he should wash up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenDhansak82 · 21/03/2023 07:28

7.27 am and the washing up is still there...

(I'm off to work! He is WFH so will hopefully do it today!)

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 21/03/2023 07:32

Unless he regularly does the washing up after you've cooked a massive meal then I think you should absolutely leave it. When he comes home just tell him you've been working and assumed he'd left it to do today.

magratvonlipwig · 21/03/2023 07:33

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 09:30

Take a photo of the washing up and the dirty stuff in the dishwasher, send him a photo and ask him what the actual fuck he thought he was doing leaving that mess for you?

Get him to explain in words of one syllable how a Mother's Day treat is being turned into his skivvy?

Tell him he needs to leave work bang on time tonight, get home quick smart and clean the kitchen with a smile on his face and that you can't believe the audacity of him leaving that mess behind.

It's entirely spoilt Mother's Day for you and that your opinion of him has fallen through the floor.

He owes you a massive apology.

Perfect ! Do this. Absolutely its no treat if you have a disgusting kitchen to deal with. Worse that youre at home with it.. go and work in an m and s cafe today....

WonderingWanda · 21/03/2023 07:34

I've just realised he's left it for two days now well done for not caving op!

Nellodee · 21/03/2023 07:35

I had a very similar situation once. I was working over Christmas. I made Christmas dinner, then went out to work. Worked Boxing Day morning. Came home to pots still being there. Went to work the next day, pots still there (ex at home throughout). Next day. I put every dirty pot in the wheelie bin and ordered a new set on my exs cash card. No way was I doing those pots!

My current husband shares chores evenly (maybe does a bit more than me, to be honest).

BruceAndNosh · 21/03/2023 07:40

I would have pointedly washed up the Mac and cheese pan YOU used and left the rest of his washing up...

cosmiccosmos · 21/03/2023 07:47

And I bet you had bought all the food for the Mother's Day lunch too.

I do find it strange that no-one cleared up after the meal (not you or his Mum obvs). So rude and a bad example for the children.

Soubriquet · 21/03/2023 07:47

Just placemarking to see if the washing up will be done today.

I also agree that you should have done your own Mac n cheese washing to prove a point

Flatandhappy · 21/03/2023 07:48

Well in your shoes I would have taken myself out for dinner rather than cooking Mac and cheese and left a note saying you would start cooking again once the kitchen was cleaned up but then again I am a bitch. I still can’t really understand why on MN people seem to be incapable of having a conversation with their partners along the lines of “why on earth do you think it’s acceptable, the one day you cook, to leave a mess for me to clear up. Can you sort it out please”.

Alvinne · 21/03/2023 07:52

How can you live with someone so lazy and inconsiderate? What an absolute shit he is.

PurpleParrotfish · 21/03/2023 07:57

Obviously OP is NBU to leave the washing up, but’s what’s with all the watching him, and wondering whether he will do it, like David Attenborough commenting on the habits of a gorilla?

Why not ask him straight out as soon as she saw the pile of washing up? “Lovely meal yesterday but I’m not going to be the washing up fairy for Mothers Day so I’m assuming you’ll do it tonight.” And then ask him why he hasn’t done it yet, not just watch and wait.

Original poster
ChickenDhansak82 · 21/03/2023 08:02

BruceAndNosh · 21/03/2023 07:40

I would have pointedly washed up the Mac and cheese pan YOU used and left the rest of his washing up...

I normally would have done this but I had to wash the pan up first just to cook dinner as it was also in the pile!

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 21/03/2023 08:02

I often come home from work to a big pile of washing up when DH has been on his own at home! Goodness knows how one person can make so much mess.
It drives me mad as I hate the mess and the stale food smell but I leave it until he has to do it. Sometimes it’s taken up to 4 days and he just uses more pots and pans. I’ve resorted to putting it outside the back door to get rid of the smell.
I’ve told him over and over for 25 years to clear up after himself. Falls on deaf ears

newfence · 21/03/2023 08:22

Good on you!! 💪

Has the pile actually been discussed or is it like the elephant in the room?

Keep going, OP!!

pinkyredrose · 21/03/2023 10:55

As he's off work today presumably he's doing the washing up and also cooking today's dinner?

ReverseFerret · 21/03/2023 11:00

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 10:46

"My constant requests for help"??

It's not "help" that you're asking for; that assumes that the housework is your job and any contribution he makes is some kind of favour to you.

You are asking him to do his fair share.

If he lived on his own he'd need to wash the dishes after cooking a meal wouldn't he? So how is he "helping" you by doing it?

Recalibrate your mindset. The housework is not your sole responsibility; it should be 50/50 and every time he is not doing his share he is failing you, failing your relationship and failing to be a decent husband and father.

Stop looking at him as a "helper" and start looking at him as a "failure".

Don't say "can you help me to do the dishes?" say "you've failed to do your share of the dishes, can you rectify that?"

"You've failed to pick your clothes up from the floor."

"You've failed to put the bins out."

"You've failed to contribute to the housework, again."

Don't ask him to "help" you put the kids to bed, say "you're failing to do your fair share of parenting tonight, you bath X, whilst I read to Y"

Don't ask him to "help" ask him to be less of a failure.

I love love love this Mindset!

Fucking men 🙄

Ktime · 21/03/2023 11:36

So happy you left them, OP! You rock. Do update us tonight.

hufflepuffbutrequestinggriffindor · 21/03/2023 12:09

I'm hoping he gives in and washes up soon. On a normal day, I would say whoever did the cooking doesn't do the washing up but since it was mother's Day he should have done it. Just to add, I usually prefer to cook as if my other half is anything like your DH, every single possible pot and utensil will have been used, there'll be a mess everywhere and he'll never clean as he goes along.
On a side note, how are you working so many extra hours for a 0.6 FTE post? I did 0.6 years ago and maybe only had to a couple of extra hours work on my day off. I rarely work more than 9-5 now unless it's a particularly busy time of year with exams.

roarfeckingroarr · 21/03/2023 12:45

I'm overly invested in this. Please update OP once home.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 21/03/2023 13:18

I want to leave the washing up, but I know if I leave it DH will come home and will be in a really grumpy mood if he ends up having to do it.

Which is how he has trained you to do all the household drudgery he thinks he's too good for.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/03/2023 13:37

I'm waiting for today's update when the OP gets home.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 21/03/2023 13:40

"I want to leave the washing up, but I know if I leave it DH will come home and will be in a really grumpy mood if he ends up having to do it."

So you are not allowed to be annoyed or grumpy even ?

Enko · 21/03/2023 15:07

Whilst I agree with leaving the dishes for him to do. Going forward this needs to become a family chore that EVERYONE helps with before they leave after dinner. A 7 year old can clean the table and dry dishes. Making it a family event that everyone has responsibility for creates adults who knows they are apart of a team when it comes to cleaning up. Not 1 persons job.

bumbledeedum · 21/03/2023 15:30

BruceAndNosh · 21/03/2023 07:40

I would have pointedly washed up the Mac and cheese pan YOU used and left the rest of his washing up...

The pan the OP used to cook them BOTH food? Why should she cook and clean up for them both? She cooked, he should have washed the pan (regardless of the pre-existing pile of he should also deal with)

bumbledeedum · 21/03/2023 15:31

And glad you're standing firm OP.

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