To do the washing up

[ChickenDhansak82]

I work 3 days a week as a teacher which is about 38 hours a week work in term time.

I also do all the meal planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking and usually the washing up and the childcare/school run 4 days a week.

I've had words with DH over this but it goes back to the above after a week of 'helping more'.

DH cooked a mothers day roast dinner yesterday for me, our 3 kids and his parents.

This morning I have come down to a mountain of washing up.

AIBU to leave the washing up and refuse to do it? If I'd known I'd end up doing it then I would have done a salad for mothers day!

YABU = just do the washing up and be grateful he cooked.

YANBU = leave the washing up. He cooked and made the mess so he should wash up.

Yay - don’t back down.

@LookItsMeAgain if I worked full time, then the kids would miss out massively on so much. They'd need to be in school until 5.30pm so I could get all my planning and marking done (it's so hard getting work done at weekends with the kids around!) then it would be time for dinner then bed!

By working 3 days then I can get nearly all my planning and marking done on the two days off leaving evenings and weekends free to have fun with the kids.

@thestorm I do worry about the kids seeing such an unhealthy relationship. It's the biggest thing that bothers me. But I also do my best to do lots with the kids and have lots of fun together making memories which we can afford to do but would not be able to do if me and DH separated.

@BeExcellent2EachOther I've weight up all the pros and cons of staying and leaving, and staying is still what is best for the kids. I will make it clear to them that not all relationships are like this. I try and do lots with the kids. We do a lot of music together, and we go kickboxing together. I make as much joy as possible for the kids as they are much more relaxed when it is just me and them. DH can be fun, but more often grumpy and snappy.

"I've weight up all the pros and cons of staying and leaving, and staying is still what is best for the kids. I will make it clear to them that not all relationships are like this."

That's not how child development works, but you must know that. You can't show them dysfunction but tell them it's wrong. They absorb every time they are shouted at, every fucked up interaction between you and H, every awful atmosphere. They can't help it. That's making memories.

But you have clearly justified this so, so strongly to yourself. The way you explain it, I don't think you're staying for the children, I think you're too intimidated to leave.

"I make as much joy as possible for the kids as they are much more relaxed when it is just me and them. DH can be fun, but more often grumpy and snappy."

Even when you are trying to explain your choice to stay, you reveal how damaging it is for the kids.

I'm not saying this to have a go at you. It's actually hard to read. It is even more harmful to use your children as the reason you stay. That is an additional headfuck for them.

Calm down, she never said they had "fucked up interactions" or she was ever shouted at or there was ever an awful atmosphere, she simply said he could be grumpy, not everyone has to have a 24/7 blissfully happy family, the children are clearly happy, lots of partners are grumpy my dad was and I had a very happy childhood.

Have you read all of OPs posts,@Dinosaurus123? It doesn't sound like it.

After 6 days he has finally washed up after the mothers day roast he cooked!

👏 👏 👏 well done for holding out!

Great news! Any comment from him?

Blimey! Did he say anything or just do it?

He didn't say anything! Just finally washed up!!

Bloody hell. 6 Days!

This is an interesting experiment. WIll he be quickly next time. Behaviourists would say yes, he would. Or will he just avoid cooking ever again?

On leaving, so the kids are small now. Do you think when they are old enough to not need after school care you could plan to leave?

YES!

Wow, 6 days! Well done for holding out. If he should ever offer to cook a special day meal for you again, I'd get him to clarify who he expects to do the washing up prior to him cooking.

Yessss!! Absolutely brilliant! Well done you 👏👏👏👏👏

Brilliant!