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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the washing up

141 replies

ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 07:29

I work 3 days a week as a teacher which is about 38 hours a week work in term time.

I also do all the meal planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking and usually the washing up and the childcare/school run 4 days a week.

I've had words with DH over this but it goes back to the above after a week of 'helping more'.

DH cooked a mothers day roast dinner yesterday for me, our 3 kids and his parents.

This morning I have come down to a mountain of washing up.

AIBU to leave the washing up and refuse to do it? If I'd known I'd end up doing it then I would have done a salad for mothers day!

YABU = just do the washing up and be grateful he cooked.

YANBU = leave the washing up. He cooked and made the mess so he should wash up.

OP posts:
Ktime · 20/03/2023 16:09

ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 15:29

You'll be pleased to hear that the washing up is still in a big pile next to the sink! 😁

Good! Let us know when he’s done them! Don’t cave, even if he leaves them tonight.

And he should cook some days.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2023 16:11

rwalker · 20/03/2023 15:55

If one cooks other one tidies up in our house

mother or father day wouldn’t make wouldn’t difference

Which is great.

In THEIR house she cooks and washes up frequently.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2023 16:13

rwalker · 20/03/2023 15:55

If one cooks other one tidies up in our house

mother or father day wouldn’t make wouldn’t difference

And actually that would be my PA response.

"Hi honey. I see you've left the washing up for me. I am assuming this means whomever cooks doesn't wash up in future. I will wash this mess up understanding that you will ALWAYS wash up when I cook in future xxx".

SeulementUneFois · 20/03/2023 16:17

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 09:30

Take a photo of the washing up and the dirty stuff in the dishwasher, send him a photo and ask him what the actual fuck he thought he was doing leaving that mess for you?

Get him to explain in words of one syllable how a Mother's Day treat is being turned into his skivvy?

Tell him he needs to leave work bang on time tonight, get home quick smart and clean the kitchen with a smile on his face and that you can't believe the audacity of him leaving that mess behind.

It's entirely spoilt Mother's Day for you and that your opinion of him has fallen through the floor.

He owes you a massive apology.

This this this OP!

Blossomtoes · 20/03/2023 16:25

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 09:30

Take a photo of the washing up and the dirty stuff in the dishwasher, send him a photo and ask him what the actual fuck he thought he was doing leaving that mess for you?

Get him to explain in words of one syllable how a Mother's Day treat is being turned into his skivvy?

Tell him he needs to leave work bang on time tonight, get home quick smart and clean the kitchen with a smile on his face and that you can't believe the audacity of him leaving that mess behind.

It's entirely spoilt Mother's Day for you and that your opinion of him has fallen through the floor.

He owes you a massive apology.

Christ, I bet your marriage is harmonious.

I’d turn the dishwasher on, assuming it’s been loaded, and leave the rest. It was Mothers’ Day, why are your kids getting a free pass OP?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2023 16:48

It was Mothers’ Day, why are your kids getting a free pass OP?

Maybe their father could have parented.

Mine wrangles good behaviour on Mother's Day. I'm off the clock.

bussteward · 20/03/2023 16:49

I also do all the meal planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking and usually the washing up and the childcare/school run 4 days a week.
Leave the washing up. But also why is this the balance of chores when you work 38 hours a week? What does DH do aside from make a mess when his parents are there to witness it? Laundry? Bins? Bins is such a bloody cop-out chore.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 20/03/2023 16:51

I wouldn't be able to leave it as I can't stand mess BUT I would let him have a few of my choice words 😡

Cosyblankets · 20/03/2023 16:58

What time is he home?
What's for dinner?

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 17:58

@Blossomtoes my marriage was wonderful thank you very much, because my husband was my true partner in all things (including housework).

He also died recently, so maybe you should reconsider your sarcastic remarks about other people's marriages before you press post.

pippinsleftleg · 20/03/2023 18:06

BeExcellent2EachOther · 20/03/2023 10:46

"My constant requests for help"??

It's not "help" that you're asking for; that assumes that the housework is your job and any contribution he makes is some kind of favour to you.

You are asking him to do his fair share.

If he lived on his own he'd need to wash the dishes after cooking a meal wouldn't he? So how is he "helping" you by doing it?

Recalibrate your mindset. The housework is not your sole responsibility; it should be 50/50 and every time he is not doing his share he is failing you, failing your relationship and failing to be a decent husband and father.

Stop looking at him as a "helper" and start looking at him as a "failure".

Don't say "can you help me to do the dishes?" say "you've failed to do your share of the dishes, can you rectify that?"

"You've failed to pick your clothes up from the floor."

"You've failed to put the bins out."

"You've failed to contribute to the housework, again."

Don't ask him to "help" you put the kids to bed, say "you're failing to do your fair share of parenting tonight, you bath X, whilst I read to Y"

Don't ask him to "help" ask him to be less of a failure.

This is fantastic

GrumpyPanda · 20/03/2023 18:07

Hope you weren't thinking of cooking dinner for him tonight in a completely messed-up kitchen..

Ktime · 20/03/2023 18:09

Blossomtoes · 20/03/2023 16:25

Christ, I bet your marriage is harmonious.

I’d turn the dishwasher on, assuming it’s been loaded, and leave the rest. It was Mothers’ Day, why are your kids getting a free pass OP?

Show quote history

Why would he do the harder job of loading the dishwasher and then leave the easier job of not switching it on.

That makes zero sense.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 20/03/2023 18:13

The performing in front of an audience is my dh speciality!
When we don't have guests he'll leave his plate on the table and go and sit on the sofa.
When our parents are here he's straight up, clearing plates, loading the dishwasher, wiping the sides!

Blossomtoes · 20/03/2023 18:15

Ktime · 20/03/2023 18:09

Why would he do the harder job of loading the dishwasher and then leave the easier job of not switching it on.

That makes zero sense.

Show quote history

I know. Yet OP says I've just discovered he didn't even put the dishwasher on.

Original poster
ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 21:40

bussteward · 20/03/2023 16:49

I also do all the meal planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking and usually the washing up and the childcare/school run 4 days a week.
Leave the washing up. But also why is this the balance of chores when you work 38 hours a week? What does DH do aside from make a mess when his parents are there to witness it? Laundry? Bins? Bins is such a bloody cop-out chore.

He does the bins! 😂

I do all the laundry - washing, hanging out, sorting, putting away.

He walks the dogs. HIS dogs. I'm not a dog person and never had pets. I hate all the mud and hair and have to vacuum every day! DH is a miserable f*cker without a dog. He prefers them to people, so walking them is entirely his job.

Guess what?! The mothers day lunch roasting tins and pans are STILL sitting next to the sink unwashed! 32 hours and counting...

He is now watching TV with a dog on his lap so not sure they'll get done tonight. I'm NOT backing down!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 21:42

Cosyblankets · 20/03/2023 16:58

What time is he home?
What's for dinner?

He got back 6pm. I made mac and cheese. He ate it. I have left the pan to be washed on top of all the other things still waiting. 😁

OP posts:
bussteward · 20/03/2023 22:08

Put all the washing up in the bin, then he might notice it. Or on the dog.

GrumpyPanda · 20/03/2023 22:15

Sounds like it's time for you to go on full strike/walkout. It's clearly about much more than the Mother's Day dishes.

Doone21 · 21/03/2023 06:28

I'd be raging

Poppins2016 · 21/03/2023 06:36

ChickenDhansak82 · 20/03/2023 21:42

He got back 6pm. I made mac and cheese. He ate it. I have left the pan to be washed on top of all the other things still waiting. 😁

Show quote history

The only thing I'd have done differently, to drive the point home, is wash the mac and cheese saucepan(s) and utensils up and put them away. Just to reinforce the 'I cooked and I cleaned up after myself' example... and so as not to add fuel to the 'well you then cooked and didn't clean up after yourself' argument.

Iloveacurry · 21/03/2023 06:41

Did he not say anything about the washing up not been done when he got home?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 21/03/2023 06:56

Doone21 · 21/03/2023 06:28

I'd be raging

I am raging and it's not my house! 🤣

Motnight · 21/03/2023 07:23

Watching and sending stay strong vibes!

NameChangeFor2023 · 21/03/2023 07:23

I can't believe how invested I am in someone else's washing up! Patiently waiting for the OP's update.

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