Page 5 | To do the washing up

ChickenDhansak82 · 2023-03-20T07:29:44+00:00

I work 3 days a week as a teacher which is about 38 hours a week work in term time. I also do all the meal planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking and usually the washing up and the childcare/school run 4 days a week. I've had words with DH over this but it goes back to the above after a week of 'helping more'. DH cooked a mothers day roast dinner yesterday for me, our 3 kids and his parents. This morning I have come down to a mountain of washing up. AIBU to leave the washing up and refuse to do it? If I'd known I'd end up doing it then I would have done a salad for mothers day! YABU = just do the washing up and be grateful he cooked. YANBU = leave the washing up. He cooked and made the mess so he should wash up.

newfence · 22/03/2023 17:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2023 17:49

DP and I had a PA battle for weeks about toilet roll replacement.

He would replace it, but leave the empty roll. I had a great deal of fun putting the empty rolls in his sock drawer, inside his pillow case, on the handles to his wardrobe.

We're still married.

😂😂
That's my level of pettiness!

Botw1 · 22/03/2023 18:06

ChickenDhansak82 · 22/03/2023 17:41

Not mentioned them at all!

Tomorrow will be the real test as its my day off again and I clean the house! I'm going to clean the kitchen but will leave the roasting pans if he hasn't done them tonight.

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Does he clean the house on his day off?

Codlingmoths · 23/03/2023 06:09

Botw1 · 22/03/2023 18:06

Does he clean the house on his day off?

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This is what I wanted to know. What does he do on his day off?

actually I want to know what is WRONG with him that he cooks up a huge roast for Mother’s Day probably mainly for his own parents and thinks his wife will wash the pans, so much so that they are still there THREE DAYS LATER. ‘Dear Dh, happy Mother’s Day to me with stinking greasy pans in the sink for days afterwards- did you expect me to wash all of them up? If so, I shall arrange my own replacement Mother’s Day outing so please let me know.’

BruceAndNosh · 23/03/2023 10:02

Draining board watch... DAY 4

Original poster

ChickenDhansak82 · 23/03/2023 10:11

BruceAndNosh · 23/03/2023 10:02

Draining board watch... DAY 4

😂😂It's STILL there! I'm not touching it!

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Original poster

ChickenDhansak82 · 23/03/2023 10:16

Codlingmoths · 23/03/2023 06:09

This is what I wanted to know. What does he do on his day off?

actually I want to know what is WRONG with him that he cooks up a huge roast for Mother’s Day probably mainly for his own parents and thinks his wife will wash the pans, so much so that they are still there THREE DAYS LATER. ‘Dear Dh, happy Mother’s Day to me with stinking greasy pans in the sink for days afterwards- did you expect me to wash all of them up? If so, I shall arrange my own replacement Mother’s Day outing so please let me know.’

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Hmmm what does he do on his day off? Well... I'm not sure because other than the family summer holiday and Christmas holiday, he takes most his days off in term time and on a day I work so he can have the house to himself all day.

Whereas being a teacher, I have school holidays and 3 kids for the entire 13 weeks.

I work 3 days a week teaching as the work load is so intense during term time that it would be impossible to work any more days. I generally work solidly on my two days off planning lessons and marking homework.

The problem is he plays the fun dad to the kids, so although I can only dream of being with a partner who is respectful to me, leaving him would never be best for the kids. So all I can do is tolerate it.

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bussteward · 23/03/2023 10:18

I think at some point you need to touch it… to hang “happy Mother’s Day” bunting on top. Adorn it with tinsel to celebrate its anniversary. Could you get one of those naff baby milestone cards for taking photos with: “one week old!” Some fluffy Easter chicks and painted eggs for seasonal dirty washing up decor. Etc.

User678945 · 23/03/2023 10:33

In our house, one of us cooks and the other washes up, which seems fair unless it's a roast because of the sheer amount of washing up afterwards! Always makes me feel as though I've been tricked somehow.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/03/2023 10:34

This is the kind of thread I like, go OP!

Botw1 · 23/03/2023 10:51

When does he look after the kids alone?

You do know you can not let him away with it?

You're only options aren't do everything while saying nothing or leaving.

You can stop letting him walk all over you.

You've started with the dishes.

Next step, go out this weekend and leave him with the kids.

Stop cooking for him and doing his washing as well.

Original poster

ChickenDhansak82 · 23/03/2023 11:09

Botw1 · 23/03/2023 10:51

When does he look after the kids alone?

You do know you can not let him away with it?

You're only options aren't do everything while saying nothing or leaving.

You can stop letting him walk all over you.

You've started with the dishes.

Next step, go out this weekend and leave him with the kids.

Stop cooking for him and doing his washing as well.

I had a day out without the kids a few weeks ago! The first time in over 7 years!

If he has the kids alone, he either takes them to his parents house or he lets them go on their tablets and puts the TV on.

I also went on a school trip for 3 nights but that wasn't exactly relaxing as I was in charge of 20 kids!

I have tried before to point out how much I do. He responded saying he thought the whole point of me teaching part time was so I could do all the housework!! Er.... NO! A 3 day a week job as a secondary school teacher is upto 40 hours a week term time, so same hours as him!!

In all honestly I wish he would just go out and cheat on me and leave me. It would make it SO much easier. I honestly have no idea why he is with me. He hates all my hobbies, isn't fond of my job, clearly doesn't respect me...

But if I left him, then it would be the kids who miss out.

On the plus side, it's nearly the Easter holidays, so I will plan loads of activities with the kids and spend lots having fun!

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SparklingLime · 23/03/2023 12:05

You don't know why he's with you? For starters, he's got a housekeeper and full childcare from you.

More importantly, why are you with him? Would the kids really miss out?

Botw1 · 23/03/2023 12:11

Well thats a miserable existence

Your kids will be fine. Don't teach them this is what a relationship looks like

CharlotteStreetW1 · 23/03/2023 12:13

bizzywiththefizzy · 20/03/2023 07:46

Yes I agree , pretending to be the kind thoughtful Husband when he has an audience , then when they leave he reverts back , it's devious .😠

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See also: barbecues

bussteward · 23/03/2023 12:28

But if I left him, then it would be the kids who miss out.
Would they, though? They’d have a happier, more fulfilled mother. Their dad would presumably do exactly what he does now: all the fun stuff on the weekends he sees them, none of the drudge. Or maybe he’d be forced to step up? Either way, he can’t be worse than he is now if you left him, and you wouldn’t have to think about his laziness ever again.

Original poster

ChickenDhansak82 · 23/03/2023 13:00

SparklingLime · 23/03/2023 12:05

You don't know why he's with you? For starters, he's got a housekeeper and full childcare from you.

More importantly, why are you with him? Would the kids really miss out?

I'm with him because we had kids together (albeit the first one was a surprise and we made it work). He is not a bad person (e.g. not nasty, violent etc...) so I have no good reason to leave him.

If we separated then financially it wouldn't work. It's an expensive area and although we are well off, there is no way we could afford to run two households. The kids would have to share rooms, we would have to re-think affordability of activities they do etc...

I'd have to work full time which would be a nightmare in term time and I'd never have time to parent properly and spend time with the kids. So this would by far over-ride a happier me.

There is absolutely NOTHING beneficial for the kids by separating. It would be a huge negative. Despite the fact my DH is a miserable grumpy git and loses his shit with the kids all the time, they think he is awesome.

I guess therefore I tolerate him because it is what is both best for the kids and me to be able to have fun together.

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SparklingLime · 23/03/2023 13:21

I'm slightly surprised that a teacher would truly believe that there is "absolutely NOTHING" that would benefit kids from getting away from a dad who loses their shit with them all the time. Or at least having the boundary drawn that it is not fucking well OK. Damage is being done now.

Of course they adore him regardless, he's their dad. They know no different and have no choice. Ask them in ten years.

Botw1 · 23/03/2023 13:26

You must know its bullshit that its nest for your kids for you to stay with someone who treats you like shit and who 'loses his shit' with them all the time?

There's 2 good reason for you to leave him

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 13:34

In all honestly I wish he would just go out and cheat on me and leave me. It would make it SO much easier. I honestly have no idea why he is with me. He hates all my hobbies, isn't fond of my job, clearly doesn't respect me...

But if I left him, then it would be the kids who miss out.

OP I like your posting style & sense of humour very much,
But you are making zero sense here.

What difference does it make to the DC which of you decides to end the marriage? If you think the kids will miss out (spoiler - they won't), they;d be missing out no matter which parent left the other.

It's distressing to even think of you coping with this level of disrespect & selfishness, & feeling you have no options. You DO have options. This is your one precious life, how many more years of it are you going to waste on a man who dismisses everything you do & doesn't even respect you?

ThePoetsWife · 23/03/2023 14:48

Why do you think it's ok for the kids to put up with a grumpy git who loses his shit 24/7??

What are they learning from him and your marriage - that's it's ok to be a grumpy fucker and be mean and selfish to your partner?

LookItsMeAgain · 23/03/2023 15:55

I realise that this started by being about roasting pans and unwashed dishes but there is an underlying truth here @ChickenDhansak82 , that your husband doesn't actually value what it is that you bring to the table (so to speak). He's not physically violent towards you or financially abusive but his meh attitude speaks volumes.
You might think staying with him is better for the children, but over the years of reading MN, one thing I've read over and over again is how children learn from watching their parents. They are seeing that a meh type of partnership is what they should be happy with, what their lives should be when they fly the nest and this is as much as they should expect.
Would you get the same amount of leave if you had to go back to full time teaching?
Have you actually sat down to work out what each person would have to be flexible on if you split up - what activities the kids would have to give up (if any), what your H would have to step up to do, what you would have to do differently?
Have you considered having a conversation with your H about how he sees you and how you feel about that? Perhaps some counselling might be on the cards. You may not have to end things if things could be made better and there would have to be a lot of work put into it by your H by the sounds of things.

thestorm · 23/03/2023 17:19

“I'm with him because we had kids together (albeit the first one was a surprise and we made it work). He is not a bad person (e.g. not nasty, violent etc...) so I have no good reason to leave him. “

This was me. Until 3 years ago. I was miserable for years before that. I stayed so long because it was “best for the kids” and I had “no good reason to leave him”. But you know what, losing myself and showing the kids what a relationship shouldn’t look like was isn’t best for the kids. I’m not saying LTB, but at the very least don’t lose yourself, and make sure you are staying FOR YOU. I was so convinced that it would be too difficult financially that I put myself last. Eventually I left him. It was frankly shit going through it, but myself and the kids are a million times better off now. Even on the most difficult days.

So, don’t wash those pans! Stand firm. But if you are only staying for the kids… it doesn’t always pay to stay. Especially once they get old enough to realise how unhappy you are.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 23/03/2023 17:32

This is so depressing to read!

You only have one life OP.

Please grab it with both hands and enjoy it.

Your kids will be grown in the blink of an eye and your best years will have been spent with a "grumpy git" who shouts a lot.

Really? Is that all you think you and your children are worth??

"I stay because he doesn't hit me."

That's essentially how you describe your marriage. No love, no joy, no care & consideration; just a lack of beatings makes him an acceptable husband.

I feel so sorry for you that you think so little of yourself that this is all you believe you are worth.

The kids sharing a bedroom in a house filled with joy and love would be so much better than their own rooms in a house of grumps, shouting and despair.

roarfeckingroarr · 24/03/2023 13:50

I know this thread has become a bit more serious but please could the OP update on the roasting dishes?

Original poster

ChickenDhansak82 · 24/03/2023 19:32

Day 5... and we have progress!

But not much! The roasting tin is still next to the sink but as DH was working from home today the tin has gained water and is being soaked!

Could it possibly get washed up before a week is up?!??!

I'm still not backing down!

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