WIBU to cancel?

[LadyLaaLaaa]

Recently it was a big birthday of mine, DH had arranged a surprise weekend away for me and him to go back to where we honeymooned (short haul destination), and organised for DSD(20) to come and stay to look after DD(11), he’d arranged it months in advance and arranged the date with DSD prior to booking (I’ve seen text messages plus a calendar invite which she’d accepted), he says he’s also repeatedly discussed it over the phone. DD also knew about it and she says her and DSD had regularly discussed it and made plans about what they wanted to do etc.

DH surprised me on my birthday with his gift, I was so excited because we have never had a weekend away on our own since having DD and it’s usually me who makes holiday plans so I was over the moon he’d gone to so much effort.

When DSD called to wish me happy birthday I thanked her for having DD whilst we go away, “aww no problem” she said. Within minutes she phoned DH asking when we go, she said she could no longer do that date as she had plans that couldn’t be changed (night out/seeing friends). There was no apology to either of us, I’ve not heard from her since, she would normally wish me happy Mother’s Day but I didn’t hear from her today.

There’s nobody else who could look after DD, she’s autistic and although she copes well it just makes childcare tricky as there’s very few people she feels safe and comfortable with.
To do a date change was expensive and we couldn’t be sure that the same wouldn’t happen again so we decided to just cancel and lose the money (100% non refundable as within 14 days).

I’m still gutted, I just feel so let down by her and I feel sad for DH as he really tried to do something special for me and he feels like he failed.

It’s DSD’s 21st coming up and I had booked a gorgeous big cottage for a long weekend for us to celebrate, there’s room for her to bring her boyfriend and a couple of friends and for some extended family to join us too. I paid the deposit last year and now the balance is due and in all honesty I don’t want to pay it any more, I feel like cancelling and losing the deposit. Not out of spite, but just a feeling of “why should I bloody bother?”. She clearly doesn’t appreciate everything me and her dad do for her or else she wouldn’t have done this?

I’m still really hurt by her letting us down and I feel like she just wants to take from us but never give anything in return. I expect that when they’re kids/teenagers but thought she’d have grown out of this by now. Am I expecting too much?

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and childish or if my feelings are valid? I could do with an outsider’s perspective here.

For context I’ve been her SM since she was 4 and overall we’ve had a pretty good relationship, we get on, she confides in me when she needs support or advice etc.
Also for context - we’re not rich, I mean we’re not skint either, but the cottage isn’t cheap and with circumstances the way they are I no longer feel like it’s the best use of all this money.

She doesn’t know that I’ve booked the cottage, I just told her to keep the dates free.

ps. Please be gentle on me, I’m feeling very fragile and emotional already today.

It sounds like the cottage is a large one to allow other family and friends to join, are you saying they should all go but not invite the dsd or 3 people pay the cost for a latge cottage they don't need?

Cancel the cottage and send her £20 in a birthday card.

I would change the dates of the cottage so you don't lose the deposit and use it for something for yourselves.
I would absolutely not keep it for her 21st as you leave yourself open to a repeat performance. If she's going to be flaky then you can't book anything costly.
regarding your cancelled trip, make sure you get the air passenger duty back.

I’d cancel and when she asks about the weekend she’s been asked to keep free I’d be saying that you now have a night out planned. At 21 there should be some understanding of the consequences of letting people down, otherwise when does it start? Sorry you are missing your trip OP xx

Exactly this^

"Oh yeah, sorry, we're busy now...you can do something else."

Same here.

She not only let you down and lost you money - and did it at the very last moment leaving you no time to make other arrangements even if they had been possible, but she disappointed her autistic sister who was looking forward to spending time with her. THREE people had their weekend ruined because she was a selfish.

She needs to learn her actions have consequences.

Either cancel or keep the booking and take your DD - do you have other relatives (parents, in-laws etc) or friends you'd like to spend time with? Take them.

This was a really nasty thing she did - and she knows it , which is why she's avoiding you.

Agree!

I would absolutely cancel.
I hope your husband read her the riot act over her behaviour. Selfish, inconsiderate cow.

I wouldn’t cancel but I wouldn’t take her. Have a trip just with DH and DD.

just take her out for dinner to celebrate. Tbh she won’t turn up on her birthday anyway-she will prioritise her BF and friends.

sorry about this, OP, it is a huge disappointment.

I would cancel and say something along the lines of "oh sorry, can't make it now". And then just file and forget. See how it goes from here. But as other pp said: when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Lots of posts here so haven't read them all.

Cancel. You have no way of knowing if she will bother turning up.

I’d cancel the cottage, book a meal for you three, dsd and her bf instead.

what she did was breathtakingly bad. I’d struggle to be civil to her but I would for the sake of being the bigger person.

I hope her father has given her what for. I bet he’s so upset and disappointed in her.

I’m so sorry you’re missing your trip but happy birthday from me

Can you tell us what her had said when she cancelled. Does she have MH problems. Was she just purely sefish? Poor you OP!

Why on earth did you just meekly cancel your weekend away rather than changing the dates and/or emphasising to DSD that what she has done is really shitty and asking her to cancel her plans?

She's 20 and still a student - she probably is a bit flaky. DH needs to parent her.

She really is old enough to understand she's is being really selfish. Have you told her about the impact she's having on your trip? What did dh say to her?

I'd cancel this. It's hard when it's family but I do think you can't just treat family how you want and expect the same loving treatment as always in return.

You need to add your own Dc on to the booking and go. it wont be the same holiday you had planned but you will still enjoy yourself more than if you stay in this state feeling hurt and bitter.

I'd cancel and put the money away for another trip at a later date. You can still treat ur dsd but I would've doing it on a smaller scale. What she did goes beyond normal teen/young adult selfishness.

Maybe DSD doesn't get on as well with your DD as you think or feel confident with dealing with her all on her own? Most young people of that age would not really jump at the chance to spend time alone with any kid in those circumstances let alone a high needs one and they would be worried that it would set a precedent leading to them becoming their carer some way down the line.

Going out on a limb here
she is 21 years old. On other threads we’ve seen plenty of advice metted out that 21 year olds are still selfish and self centred, idiotic, and chaotic

my dc are lovely adults now, but at 21 we’re at I’ll acting as completely twats at times

There is plenty of evidence now to say that human brains still have their final bit of development from child to adult in very late teens into early twenties. This is particularly around maturation of the frontal cortex that doesn’t complete till around 25 years of age. It affects the lambic system which is responsisible for emotions, decision making etc . And these brain changes is why, for instance, some severe and enduring mental illnesses develop in early twenties.

Yes, she has behaved badly and in this instance selfishly.

BUT to label people (who you’ve never met and are getting a single viewpoint on) is easy and lazy. It’s a common MN trait to go round branding people in very negative ways or even as arm chair psychologists/psychiatrists. She has been human and acted in a way that has been selfish in THIS particular instance. Stop annihilating her whole character on one single instance of stupidity.

I'd cancel to recoup money.

Is it unlike her to be unreliable?

To me it was a big ask & I wonder what would have happened if she had said no from the beginning.

Shame that you couldn't have taken you daughter rather than cancelling.

I agree that this should be cancelled if she’s definitely 💯 knew the dates you were going . (Only say this as sometimes people are too vague in arranging things)

your reasons;

• you need the money to book a trip for you dd and DH to replace the trip you couldn’t go on
• you know she’s can’t be relied on for dates, so you don’t want her to have to pull out at the last minute
• generosity is reciprocal when you are adults. You are no longer inclined to be so generous.

Has she just been allowed to entirely get away with what she did re cancelling the weekend? What did your dh say? We'd have been letting her know exactly how angry and upset we were.

Why on earth would you then pay for her and her bf and friends to have a nice holiday?

Fuck that for game of soldiers!

Are you sure that the cottage for 21st birthday is something she wants?

Going somewhere with parents and broader family and being allowed to take BF/several friends sounds like a nightmare way of celebration. Who wants to celebrate with friends while parents are watching?

Cancel as you wish, just be aware that elaborating on the option she lost might bring some "lucky escape" type of comment.

And yes, cancelling the babysitting for your plans wasn't great from her. Curious whether she had honestly forgotten (not great but worth trying to get over for the sake of future), or just decided to ignore (here the getting over might take longer )

Op, it’s not unreasonable to cancel this second break if you’ve now got to rebook the other or lost money on it.

I wouldn’t use that as a “punishment” though in terms of withholding her birthday present. Just explain that becuase you had to cancel after payment and lost money due to your DSD pulling out of her commitments she made , that you simply can’t afford to do this now. I’d be making it very clear n a separate conversation that pulling out of commitments she makes that other people are depending on without unavoidable and emergency reasons (eg sickness, accident etc) is unacceptable. That it leaves people financially worse off, leads to feeling of hurt form having dreams quashed, particularly your dd who clearly was looking forward to a sister time. Ask her how she’d feel if you did something similar. But, at age of 20 she is still going through brain development and unfortunately will still behave like a selfish teenage prat at times .

personally I’d have never relied on a 20 year old to do this, or if she’d pulled a stunt like that I’d have insisted her father gave her the bollocking form hell and demanded some payment in kind for booking cost losses.

please do still recognise and celebrate her birthday - she made a mistake. You can do something at home and keep it very modest. But don’t associate that with a punishment for messing you up or not going on a trip away. Keep them separate . She might not accept she’s messed up yet, but you will have a profound impact if you punish her by not recognising her birthday, especially a milestone one. Even 21 year olds need to know that although they will screw up and make mistakes, their parents are the ones that will still love them unconditionally, even if not liking what they do.

I thought that too.

you could go to all that effort and expense and she doesn’t even go.