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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to cancel?

226 replies

LadyLaaLaaa · 20/03/2023 01:16

Recently it was a big birthday of mine, DH had arranged a surprise weekend away for me and him to go back to where we honeymooned (short haul destination), and organised for DSD(20) to come and stay to look after DD(11), he’d arranged it months in advance and arranged the date with DSD prior to booking (I’ve seen text messages plus a calendar invite which she’d accepted), he says he’s also repeatedly discussed it over the phone. DD also knew about it and she says her and DSD had regularly discussed it and made plans about what they wanted to do etc.

DH surprised me on my birthday with his gift, I was so excited because we have never had a weekend away on our own since having DD and it’s usually me who makes holiday plans so I was over the moon he’d gone to so much effort.

When DSD called to wish me happy birthday I thanked her for having DD whilst we go away, “aww no problem” she said. Within minutes she phoned DH asking when we go, she said she could no longer do that date as she had plans that couldn’t be changed (night out/seeing friends). There was no apology to either of us, I’ve not heard from her since, she would normally wish me happy Mother’s Day but I didn’t hear from her today.

There’s nobody else who could look after DD, she’s autistic and although she copes well it just makes childcare tricky as there’s very few people she feels safe and comfortable with.
To do a date change was expensive and we couldn’t be sure that the same wouldn’t happen again so we decided to just cancel and lose the money (100% non refundable as within 14 days).

I’m still gutted, I just feel so let down by her and I feel sad for DH as he really tried to do something special for me and he feels like he failed.

It’s DSD’s 21st coming up and I had booked a gorgeous big cottage for a long weekend for us to celebrate, there’s room for her to bring her boyfriend and a couple of friends and for some extended family to join us too. I paid the deposit last year and now the balance is due and in all honesty I don’t want to pay it any more, I feel like cancelling and losing the deposit. Not out of spite, but just a feeling of “why should I bloody bother?”. She clearly doesn’t appreciate everything me and her dad do for her or else she wouldn’t have done this?

I’m still really hurt by her letting us down and I feel like she just wants to take from us but never give anything in return. I expect that when they’re kids/teenagers but thought she’d have grown out of this by now. Am I expecting too much?

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and childish or if my feelings are valid? I could do with an outsider’s perspective here.

For context I’ve been her SM since she was 4 and overall we’ve had a pretty good relationship, we get on, she confides in me when she needs support or advice etc.
Also for context - we’re not rich, I mean we’re not skint either, but the cottage isn’t cheap and with circumstances the way they are I no longer feel like it’s the best use of all this money.

She doesn’t know that I’ve booked the cottage, I just told her to keep the dates free.

ps. Please be gentle on me, I’m feeling very fragile and emotional already today.

OP posts:

UsingChangeofName · 20/03/2023 04:51

Like @LowBar I can't understand how she has just been allowed to drop out at the last minute. Surely you and her Dad must have made it clear that this was what she was committed to, not whatever is replacing it, and made it really really clear that her dropping out wasn't an option - reminding her she'd had it in her diary for ages and had been discussing it with your dd.

Charley50 · 20/03/2023 05:02

I'd cancel and just take her out for dinner. I wouldn't tell her unless she asks what happened to the other date (e.g. saved the whole weekend). Then i would say you couldn't afford to potentially lose more money in case she cancelled again. Tbh I think your DH should have had strong words with her about letting you both and other DD down.

PriOn1 · 20/03/2023 05:08

I’m interested to know how your DH reacted. I presume he read her the riot act? I realise at 20, he can’t force her, but in his shoes, I’d be making it clear there would be consequences.

If he didn’t, then he is partly to blame as well.

snitzelvoncrumb · 20/03/2023 05:09

Go to the cottage yourself or cancel. I couldn’t do anything special for her.

smellyflowers · 20/03/2023 05:13

Cancel. You need to get the money back some how

GCAcademic · 20/03/2023 05:31

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2023 02:30

You can simply cancel on the basis that she’s not reliably prepared to save dates.

Yes, this. The likelihood is that you’re going to lose even more money if you go ahead with the cottage booking.

donttellmehesalive · 20/03/2023 05:32

Did she know your trip had been booked and paid for? Being charitable, I am just wondering whether she thought her dad could easily just book it or move it to the following weekend.

Although not calling you for Mother's Day when she usually would does suggest that she feels guilty or at least knows she's done something wrong.

I think cancel the cottage and do something nice with the money you save.

What does dp think about it all?

aloris · 20/03/2023 05:40

It sounds like she forgot about the date she said she'd babysit and planned something that was a conflict. Did you ever find out what the conflict was? Young people do stupid things like this and to some extent it's a learning process for them, but if you pay for the cottage she will just get the idea that it was acceptable to leave you in the lurch and she will do this again and again. If she already knew abotu the cottage then it might be less clear because even though you'd have every right to cancel, she might never forget it. But given she didn't know about it, then canceling that trip just cleans up what would have been a problematic situation of her backing out in a way that cost you a lot of money, and then essentially being rewarded for it with a big birthday trip of her own. And if you reward people for treating you poorly, they'll probably just do it again.

GoodChat · 20/03/2023 05:44

I wouldn't cancel. I'd use it as an opportunity to show her what family does for each other for special occasions.

GoodChat · 20/03/2023 05:45

@aloris she said in the OP it's just a night out with friends

RedRobin100 · 20/03/2023 05:46

Charley50 · 20/03/2023 05:02

I like this idea

what a brat!

Billybagpuss · 20/03/2023 05:56

I’d feel the same but ultimately your DH is going to want an ongoing relationship with his dd. And your Dd will want a relationship with her dsis. I think ultimately I’d be the bigger person and still go. But double check her availability first.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 20/03/2023 06:03

I can’t believe people are saying don’t cancel, this trip is a huge deal to the OP and such a shame it will have to be completely cancelled due to the DSDs thoughtlessness. Your DH should have said “sorry DD but you committed to helping us out this weekend so we’ll really need you to honour that commitment even if it means you missing a night out with friends” and then if she refuses say “that’s a shame, we had booked a cottage for your 21st but unfortunately we will have to cancel as we can’t trust you to stick to commitments”.

HoppingPavlova · 20/03/2023 06:07

I expect that when they’re kids/teenagers but thought she’d have grown out of this by now. Am I expecting too much?

Yes, she’s 21yo. While I’m sure others will be along to tell you about their unicorns, personally, I think most 21yo’s are still flaky and unreliable.

Raindancer411 · 20/03/2023 06:07

I am in the cancel team... If she doesn't know about the surprise cottage, I wouldn't tell her what was planned incase it does make some bad feelings and risk her relationship with her dad, and you. BUT, I do think her dad needs some stiff words with her so she realises he lost money and has let people down.

I would worry come her birthday, she chooses to go out instead of go with you and it's a lot more money lost. At least a meal you and DH and DD can still enjoy, or do a little day out somewhere.

Once bitten, twice shy...

Astorminateacup · 20/03/2023 06:10

I'd cancel, but do something nice with your DH instead with the money and your younger.
To DSD, Id either said nothing, but she may enquire at one point about the dates as you had asked them to keep herself free- just pretend you have no clue what she is talking about.

rwalker · 20/03/2023 06:13

Yeah cancel it she doesn’t know your just scaling her gifts down due to lack of appreciation
but you’ve told her to save the date so do something or tell het plans have changed

Shoxfordian · 20/03/2023 06:15

I wouldn’t cancel it but then I’d be hoping my generosity would make her feel bad. Have you told her how disappointed you both are in her behaviour?

pictoosh · 20/03/2023 06:16

PriOn1 · 20/03/2023 05:08

I’m interested to know how your DH reacted. I presume he read her the riot act? I realise at 20, he can’t force her, but in his shoes, I’d be making it clear there would be consequences.

If he didn’t, then he is partly to blame as well.

This is what I’m thinking. He needs to go through her like a dose of salts until she understands that it’s not ok to ruin everything on a whim.
She’s 20 and immature and self-centered. He’s all grown up and her parent. He needs to get her told.

Butterfly44 · 20/03/2023 06:23

I would cancel to save you the money because I don't think she will come!! She will have another excuse and celebrate with her own friends/BF. She won't feel comfortable knowing what she's done , like you say avoiding Mother's Day. She'll absolutely cancel on it

parrotonthesofa · 20/03/2023 06:27

What did DH say when she announced she could no longer do it? You need to tell her how you feel.

I actually don't think I would cancel.

If this is the only incident that is causing you to want to cancel, I would keep the booking, I think she had behaved terribly but hopefully if this is a one offf she will realise a d apologize and make up for it. It would be a shame to ruin your good relationship.

Tiddlywinkly · 20/03/2023 06:30

She can't because of a night out with friends?! You should have explained that she'd agreed to said date and she needs to honour that. Very important early life lesson. Cancel the cottage if she doesn't change her mind.

Dragonsandcats · 20/03/2023 06:31

I would cancel to be honest.

GiveMe5 · 20/03/2023 06:32

DSD has been incredibly selfish. I'd cancel the cottage in your shoes (and probably out of spite).

PotKettel · 20/03/2023 06:33

Cancel the cottage. She probably wouldn’t appreciate it anyway. Send her a nice card and a bottle of perfume and wish her a lovely party with her friends.

When she is a lot older your relationship will probably improve again and you can put this all behind you.

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