WIBU to cancel?

[LadyLaaLaaa]

Recently it was a big birthday of mine, DH had arranged a surprise weekend away for me and him to go back to where we honeymooned (short haul destination), and organised for DSD(20) to come and stay to look after DD(11), he’d arranged it months in advance and arranged the date with DSD prior to booking (I’ve seen text messages plus a calendar invite which she’d accepted), he says he’s also repeatedly discussed it over the phone. DD also knew about it and she says her and DSD had regularly discussed it and made plans about what they wanted to do etc.

DH surprised me on my birthday with his gift, I was so excited because we have never had a weekend away on our own since having DD and it’s usually me who makes holiday plans so I was over the moon he’d gone to so much effort.

When DSD called to wish me happy birthday I thanked her for having DD whilst we go away, “aww no problem” she said. Within minutes she phoned DH asking when we go, she said she could no longer do that date as she had plans that couldn’t be changed (night out/seeing friends). There was no apology to either of us, I’ve not heard from her since, she would normally wish me happy Mother’s Day but I didn’t hear from her today.

There’s nobody else who could look after DD, she’s autistic and although she copes well it just makes childcare tricky as there’s very few people she feels safe and comfortable with.
To do a date change was expensive and we couldn’t be sure that the same wouldn’t happen again so we decided to just cancel and lose the money (100% non refundable as within 14 days).

I’m still gutted, I just feel so let down by her and I feel sad for DH as he really tried to do something special for me and he feels like he failed.

It’s DSD’s 21st coming up and I had booked a gorgeous big cottage for a long weekend for us to celebrate, there’s room for her to bring her boyfriend and a couple of friends and for some extended family to join us too. I paid the deposit last year and now the balance is due and in all honesty I don’t want to pay it any more, I feel like cancelling and losing the deposit. Not out of spite, but just a feeling of “why should I bloody bother?”. She clearly doesn’t appreciate everything me and her dad do for her or else she wouldn’t have done this?

I’m still really hurt by her letting us down and I feel like she just wants to take from us but never give anything in return. I expect that when they’re kids/teenagers but thought she’d have grown out of this by now. Am I expecting too much?

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and childish or if my feelings are valid? I could do with an outsider’s perspective here.

For context I’ve been her SM since she was 4 and overall we’ve had a pretty good relationship, we get on, she confides in me when she needs support or advice etc.
Also for context - we’re not rich, I mean we’re not skint either, but the cottage isn’t cheap and with circumstances the way they are I no longer feel like it’s the best use of all this money.

She doesn’t know that I’ve booked the cottage, I just told her to keep the dates free.

ps. Please be gentle on me, I’m feeling very fragile and emotional already today.

Personally I’d stick with the house and go have a great getaway. If they want to come, so be it, if they flake out, who cares, the aim is for the rest of you to have a good time away irrespective of what they do or if they come or not.

OP - where have you gone?

That's awful, your husband must be devastated, as well as you. Definitely cancel her birthday treat, and when her birthday arrives and she just gets a card, explain why. She's an adult, she understands about your daughter's needs and that you couldn't just slot someone else in to babysit.

No sign of the OP ?

I hate when people tap into the hive mind and then don't come back.

I can understand why you are tempted, I would feel the same. You say it's not for revenge, but that is exactly what it is. You say that yourself, if she won't do stuff for us why should I bother.

That's a pretty normal feeling, but I guess you need to think about what person you want to be in this relationship.

Exactly this.

She nee3ds her selfish and thought less behaviour pointed out including the cost of having to cancel, the hurt caused and the disappointment. She also needs to be told that as a consequence the planned cottage surprise has been cancelled because the money was spent on the cancellation fee. Such selfish behaviour needs consequences. Unbelievable really!

One word - selfish.

has her dad not challenged her about what she agreed to and why is she letting him down?

I would either try and book your DD onto the trip with you so hopefully you can still go. I would not cancel the other trip but I certainly not make it about her birthday, make it about you invite your friends and close family, if she says anything , say that as you couldn't celebrate your birthday as you wanted you didn't think she would mind!

So sorry for your situation. In my experience being unreliable seems to be par for the course for a lot of young people. Her Dad really needs to have words. As for cancelling - do, and tell her why. One of life's lessons - she has created the situation.

This, this, this

That's awful OP. So unfair. If you can get your money back cancel. I think it's safest for your husband to handle this. Let her know there's no need to keep that weekend free anymore. She's bound to ask why, what's changed. Get him to tell her you had to pay up again for 'replacement' birthday gift for you as unable to get money back after you had to cancel. Ask her what her plans are...does she fancy a Frankie and Bennys with you 3 or is she doing her own thing with her boyfriend?
I'd still get a gift but I wouldn't be throwing a party. I'm not sure a 21st means anything now anyway.
So sorry for you and your husband. Maybe she'll come good and suggest another date.

I don’t understand why you’ve cancelled the whole trip already - was there more money still to pay? If not then what difference does it make if you just don’t show up/cancel the day before? You’ve got two weeks to see what happens next and/or change the outcome. I wouldn’t be surprised if her plans fall through and suddenly she’s able to do it after all.

However, more to the point, why is her dad not holding her to her promise? Part of growing up and taking responsibility is having expectations of ourselves and others. You and your husband are just showing her that it’s not a problem for her to bail out when she doesn’t fancy something. She may be annoyed initially but I imagine she will get over it. Especially when you point out that she’s letting her sister down as well as both of you. I’d say this needs a bit more investigation and that cancelling everything straight away on her say so is a bit extreme.

(That goes for both your holiday and the cottage. It’s going to be so silly if she decides to babysit after all for a holiday you’ve already cancelled, and then you’ve cancelled the weekend away and all is fine by the time you actually go. It’s all a bit cutting off your nose to spite your face. Unless you’re skinny and it’ll put you in a financial hole in which case of course cancel, because it’s too costly)

I think your being perfectly reasonable; she’s let her father down epically & her little sister & she knew what she was doing how incredibly selfish; it’s nothing to do with how much things cost it’s the personal emotions involved especially for your daughter; she had invested a lot of time & emotion into that break & had it shattered; she’s also let her father down he must be so hurt & you must be devastated by her selfishness. Cancel the cottage all she’d get from me is a card & a small gift no big celebration she doesn’t deserve it she’s behaved appallingly, and she needs to learn a harsh lesson x

What? Did DH not explain the minute she tried to cancel, that she needed to stick by her agreement and what that meant for you if she didn't?

If he did, and she still refused to change her mind, then she deserves absolutely nothing 'nice' from you for her 21st or a very long time! And never, until she understands how serious how her going back on the arrangement was.

If he just said 'OK dear' then perhaps she was just selfish and thoughtless and assumed you could rearrange? In which case you have a bit of a DH problem as well as a DSD one (although it was lovely that he went to all that effort, so I can't believe he'd cave that easily).

Either way - cancel the birthday trip. You will resent her - quite understandably - and she needs to learn that actions have consequences. And make sure she knows why. Say you lost the money on the first trip so are going to save up for some other treat.

Cancel it.

I must say, I wondered the same about the DH. "I'm sorry but you committed and we are counting on you; I've a lot invested and mum deserves it for her special birthday! "

Why are people so afraid to establish boundaries with their late teen/early 20s kids? Teens bringing back randos to shag within family earshot, teens in horrible relationships, teens demanding certain costly goods/holidays, now a teen/20ish telling her parents to fuck off and miss their anticipated holiday, because she can't be bothered?

Whatever happened to parental authority?

I’d 100% cancel… she can’t do this one thing for you!! And then ‘forgot’ Mother’s Day too… and all for a ‘night out’ that she could literally do any other time!!

cancel and tell her why!

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I know! It appears to be driven by some new belief that until 25 they aren't fully cognitively or emotionally mature AT ALL, so need to be moycoddled and spoon-fed as it would be absolutely horrible and cruel for them to be expected to take on any responsibility or decision making as they are just so young...
I have queried why those of this age cam work/train in responsible jobs like education/health/law etc still then but can't get an answer!
Thankfully most are also saying that this is ridiculous!

Cancel cancel cancel. Do nothing for her birthday. I mean zilch.

Yep cancel

This was a very selfish thing for your SD to do. As she knows nothing about your plans, I would cancel. If she then mentions that you'd ask her to keep the date free, maybe just take her for a meal like others have suggested but I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to make her 21st anything special now that she's done that. I'd also not contact her first, I'd wait until she contacted me.

it is heartbreaking that you couldn't go on your trip I would be gutted beyond gutted

but it would be so sad not to celebrate the 21st birthday all together can you think of these as separate things? it sounds like you really love your SD and this is out of character.

What did your husband her father say. I hope he told her how selfish she was being and how you have lost the money now. If not she will never learn how her actions have consequences.