WIBU to cancel?

[LadyLaaLaaa]

Recently it was a big birthday of mine, DH had arranged a surprise weekend away for me and him to go back to where we honeymooned (short haul destination), and organised for DSD(20) to come and stay to look after DD(11), he’d arranged it months in advance and arranged the date with DSD prior to booking (I’ve seen text messages plus a calendar invite which she’d accepted), he says he’s also repeatedly discussed it over the phone. DD also knew about it and she says her and DSD had regularly discussed it and made plans about what they wanted to do etc.

DH surprised me on my birthday with his gift, I was so excited because we have never had a weekend away on our own since having DD and it’s usually me who makes holiday plans so I was over the moon he’d gone to so much effort.

When DSD called to wish me happy birthday I thanked her for having DD whilst we go away, “aww no problem” she said. Within minutes she phoned DH asking when we go, she said she could no longer do that date as she had plans that couldn’t be changed (night out/seeing friends). There was no apology to either of us, I’ve not heard from her since, she would normally wish me happy Mother’s Day but I didn’t hear from her today.

There’s nobody else who could look after DD, she’s autistic and although she copes well it just makes childcare tricky as there’s very few people she feels safe and comfortable with.
To do a date change was expensive and we couldn’t be sure that the same wouldn’t happen again so we decided to just cancel and lose the money (100% non refundable as within 14 days).

I’m still gutted, I just feel so let down by her and I feel sad for DH as he really tried to do something special for me and he feels like he failed.

It’s DSD’s 21st coming up and I had booked a gorgeous big cottage for a long weekend for us to celebrate, there’s room for her to bring her boyfriend and a couple of friends and for some extended family to join us too. I paid the deposit last year and now the balance is due and in all honesty I don’t want to pay it any more, I feel like cancelling and losing the deposit. Not out of spite, but just a feeling of “why should I bloody bother?”. She clearly doesn’t appreciate everything me and her dad do for her or else she wouldn’t have done this?

I’m still really hurt by her letting us down and I feel like she just wants to take from us but never give anything in return. I expect that when they’re kids/teenagers but thought she’d have grown out of this by now. Am I expecting too much?

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and childish or if my feelings are valid? I could do with an outsider’s perspective here.

For context I’ve been her SM since she was 4 and overall we’ve had a pretty good relationship, we get on, she confides in me when she needs support or advice etc.
Also for context - we’re not rich, I mean we’re not skint either, but the cottage isn’t cheap and with circumstances the way they are I no longer feel like it’s the best use of all this money.

She doesn’t know that I’ve booked the cottage, I just told her to keep the dates free.

ps. Please be gentle on me, I’m feeling very fragile and emotional already today.

If I was her dad I would have torn her a new one. Did he deal with it properly?

I'd be bloody furious with her. But before I cancelled her birthday plans I'd want to hear chapter and verse of the riot act my DH had read her for cancelling and ruining your weekend. I mean, presumably he's told her exactly how upset you both are and how selfish she's being in letting you down when she'd promised to help out? If he hasn't yet, that needs to be your starting point. Then, once she's 100% aware of the impact of her actions, tell her you are skint because you've lost money on the weekend, so her birthday celebration is now downgraded to a meal out. If she doesn't like it, tough.

Wow she is totally) spoilt and entitled.

To have agreed and discussed with your DD about what they’d be doing and then cancel with something as non significant as going out with friends (if a friend was having surgery and she was going to look after them as there’s literally no one else OR she had some big work thing she could not pull out of or she d be fire OR had a health scare that needed looking into on those days etc all fine) .

She’s beeb in your life since she was 4 and you have a relationship but she’s still clearly a spoof and entitled person who has let you down big time and not even stopped to think how her doing this is going to impact you.

As someone else said as she has shown her true colours don’t ignore them.

Why put in all the effort you planned for her 21 when she clearly doesn’t care about you or her father.

Happy birthday when the time comes 💐 Hope despite this you manage to have a lovely day.

It isn't going to harm the relationship as she doesnt know about the cottage so thats not a consideration

I'd totally cancel, no way would I spend money that was right on someone who doesn't have the basic grasp of commitment and Thought for others

I’d make DSD explain to your DD that she’s not coming to stay and they won’t be doing the things they had planned, so she can see how upsetting it is when people let you down.

It’d be the casual disregard for you and your daughter’s feelings that’d tip me over the edge - she knew it’s be a big (expensive) deal and that’d she’d hyped up your daughter about what they’d be doing together. I’d 100% cancel the cottage and use what you would have spent on a replacement trip for you (and your DD as sounds like there’s no-one else to have her). No way would I risk your DSD flaking out again on an arrangement, fool me once etc etc ….

So disappointing OP and agree at 21 she should have behaved better. Expect that she is feeling guilty herself which is why no contact yesterday.

I wouldn't cancel though. Its a little tit for tat. I wouldn't let someone else's poor behaviour change the way I behave. I would check that she can go before I pay more of the bill though.

Yes cancel.

This.

I tend to be over the top about giving people the benefit of the doubt but this was beyond selfish of her. She should have consequences and there's no point if she doesn't know about them.

Although personally I think her father should tell her because she can't shrug it off if she knows it comes from him.

I'm so sorry. It must be really disappointing for you and your husband who went to all that effort.

So she can confirm she can make it in the same way she confirmed she'd be available for the trip?

I would 100% cancel. She’s a twat.

I get why you feel that way. What she did was shitty. But I wouldn’t cancel a huge birthday surprise I’d been planning for my daughter for a year because of one bit of awful behaviour.

21 is old enough to know better, but so is 16 and even though she’s 21, she isn’t fully grown up yet. Despite our legal system and our social customs, we’ve learnt in the last decade or so about how much brain development still goes on until we’re around 25. So I wouldn’t be writing her off, or treating her like a bad egg, unworthy of bothering over quite yet.

I think your DH needs to have a talk with her about how big an impact her behaviour had on the two of you and, presumably, her sister who it sounds like was building herself up for a fun time together. But I unless this is just the latest in long line of recent, similar let downs (in which case - why would DH have been relying on her?), I would try and separate the two things and not let her behaviour cloud the way you think about her too much.

Cancel.

Who's to say she won't let you down then too and have something else planned?

It's one thing to let you down. It's quite another to let down your dd who has been excited about it

But as everyone else says what has your dh said? How was she allowed to just slip out of her responsibilities like this?

But oh god cancel. You're not being petty. And giving her a grand birthday is definitely not going to teach her a lesson.

There was a really sad thread on here recently with a woman whose fwb basically just sent her a text for her birthday. And she was planning to give him presents and take him out to 'show him how it's done'. Thankfully I think we all talked her out of it.

She's showing you what she thinks of you. She's an adult. She should be accountable for her actions.

I'd cancel op because she could turn up and say she has other plans with her friends.

I would cancel on the basis that she might not turn up on those dates either.

I would cancel. Who knows if she would even turn up or say she had other plans. She can sort her own birthday.

I don't understand people saying she is too young and is allowed to be flaky.

I would cancel.
Not out of spite, not because of wanting to use that money to rebook the weekend holiday but because I just could never trust that she would even come for those dates.

Teaching her a lesson is the consequential benefit but I would not trust that she will not have made other plans that she can't cancel.

She knew what her being unavailable meant with regards to the trip. She knew about possible financial implications, she knew about sourcing childcare for her sister, she knew about trying to get other dates that might work.

Even if she hadn't already been told about the plans, 21 year olds I know would cancel a night out drinking with friends to help do this special thing for their Dad.

Doesn't even sound like Dad had strong words. Why does he feel disappointed with himself?
How often did he see her growing up? Did she live with you both at all.. even 50:50?

I just find this whole post really surprising.

This. It’s factual - and makes the point perfectly.

I’ve got into (thankfully much, much less important/expensive, but irritating nonetheless) situations like this with family members. So now I just don’t book theatre tickets or things that can’t be cancelled without cost for them. No way would I have another holiday on the line; especially as she’s shown she’s flaky even when she knows there’s been a huge outlay. How on earth could you be sure that she’d saved dates just because you’d asked her to? Cancel.

This.

Cancel.

I assume your DH has spoken to her specifically saying how upset you all are and how much money you will lose by having to cancel the trip. And how disappointed he is in her for not adulting and sticking to commitments she has made. What has she said in response to that?

but no, for such an immature, selfish and disappointing move on her part I wouldn’t be spending that much money on her birthday. If she asks what’s happening that weekend say you’ve now made other plans.

I could be very selfish at 20. The fact she didn’t call you on Mother’s Day is presumably because she feels guilty but doesn’t want to actually address it so is pretending she’s not to blame. I’d consider cancelling on the basis she will probably be partying with friends for her 21st.

Would it be possible to change the dates for your weekend away and give her a second chance?

Two issues here.

Your DSD is an adult therefore you need to explain explicitly how crap her behaviour was and how it has affected you and your DH and DD. She knows it's a shitty thing to have cancelled on you (no contact since) but is hoping you won't pull her up for it. It's not on and I sincerely hope your DH did have strong words with her (but presuming no as you didn't mention his response).

Secondly I fully understand your wanting to cancel the cottage. You feel let down (you were) and feel that making an effort for her 21st is expected from her regardless of her prior behaviour. Your feelings are completely valid. I get people saying be the bigger person etc and possibly that is best. Maybe you should keep the booking but just go with DH and DSD?? At least you get some time away. But having DSD there would completely dependent upon her sincere apology after she was spoken to about the original incident.

Her actions do need consequences even if only that she completely realises how badly she has let you down (for a shit reason too) and that her poor choices have a wider impact.

Good luck.

Yes I would cancel it, and tell DH afterwards.

You might like to book a break to compensate for the one you missed, and the cottage money will help cover that.

I wouldn’t even remember telling DSD to keep that weekend clear.

I would call her and speak to her. Be very honest about how she had said she would look after your daughter and ask her straight out what is going on with her. Say it was odd that she wasn’t in contact on Mother’s Day and you missed her.
she will be feeling guilty but there might be more going on than you realise. Perhaps she has thought she can’t manage your daughter for a whole weekend. Has she looked after her for that long before? It will be easier for her to pretend she had forgot than get into that or even admit it as she will perhaps think you will think less of her. Ironically you now do but this is the easier route for her.

You are upset and quite rightly but it sounds as though this just needs discussing so it can be cleared up.
mid it turns out she’s just being a complete shit you can cancel the birthday as she doesn’t deserve it.