WIBU to cancel?

[LadyLaaLaaa]

Recently it was a big birthday of mine, DH had arranged a surprise weekend away for me and him to go back to where we honeymooned (short haul destination), and organised for DSD(20) to come and stay to look after DD(11), he’d arranged it months in advance and arranged the date with DSD prior to booking (I’ve seen text messages plus a calendar invite which she’d accepted), he says he’s also repeatedly discussed it over the phone. DD also knew about it and she says her and DSD had regularly discussed it and made plans about what they wanted to do etc.

DH surprised me on my birthday with his gift, I was so excited because we have never had a weekend away on our own since having DD and it’s usually me who makes holiday plans so I was over the moon he’d gone to so much effort.

When DSD called to wish me happy birthday I thanked her for having DD whilst we go away, “aww no problem” she said. Within minutes she phoned DH asking when we go, she said she could no longer do that date as she had plans that couldn’t be changed (night out/seeing friends). There was no apology to either of us, I’ve not heard from her since, she would normally wish me happy Mother’s Day but I didn’t hear from her today.

There’s nobody else who could look after DD, she’s autistic and although she copes well it just makes childcare tricky as there’s very few people she feels safe and comfortable with.
To do a date change was expensive and we couldn’t be sure that the same wouldn’t happen again so we decided to just cancel and lose the money (100% non refundable as within 14 days).

I’m still gutted, I just feel so let down by her and I feel sad for DH as he really tried to do something special for me and he feels like he failed.

It’s DSD’s 21st coming up and I had booked a gorgeous big cottage for a long weekend for us to celebrate, there’s room for her to bring her boyfriend and a couple of friends and for some extended family to join us too. I paid the deposit last year and now the balance is due and in all honesty I don’t want to pay it any more, I feel like cancelling and losing the deposit. Not out of spite, but just a feeling of “why should I bloody bother?”. She clearly doesn’t appreciate everything me and her dad do for her or else she wouldn’t have done this?

I’m still really hurt by her letting us down and I feel like she just wants to take from us but never give anything in return. I expect that when they’re kids/teenagers but thought she’d have grown out of this by now. Am I expecting too much?

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and childish or if my feelings are valid? I could do with an outsider’s perspective here.

For context I’ve been her SM since she was 4 and overall we’ve had a pretty good relationship, we get on, she confides in me when she needs support or advice etc.
Also for context - we’re not rich, I mean we’re not skint either, but the cottage isn’t cheap and with circumstances the way they are I no longer feel like it’s the best use of all this money.

She doesn’t know that I’ve booked the cottage, I just told her to keep the dates free.

ps. Please be gentle on me, I’m feeling very fragile and emotional already today.

To play devil's advocate. She is 21 the idea of going 0 to a full weekend of looking after dd might just be too much.

You state dd has no other care options, that might have been a klaxon in her head that suddenly puts her future in question.

I would wonder did she feel pressured to agree and as time has gone on reality has hit.

Has she ever been included in plans for dd if anything happened you and dh? This might be a case if very mixed up communication.

Yes it was a crap thing to do but we are all guilty of not being able to say no at best of times.

Limbic system not lambic 🙄

I'd be inclined to go to the cottage with the rest of your family but not the step daughter. In practise I'd probably still do it but it would be the last thing she'd be getting.

I'd absolutely cancel. acting like a cunt has consequences. And as a PP above, I'd let her know what you've cancelled too.

I would cancel.
I couldn't spend the weekend celebrating her birthday if she had let me down that badly. It was a shitty thing for her to do and made worse by no apology.
Actions have consequences!

Cancel and don't bother again.

I'm in team cancel because she can't guarantee that she will be available.
Maybe this night out is a friend's 21st which in your DSD's mind only happens once so is important to her, not that I'm excusing her decision to pull out of your prior arrangement.

This!!

Absolutely cancel.

She has behaved so dreadfully.

I have children around that age and that level of selfishness is not normal and does young adults a huge disservice ascribing such awful behaviour as all you should expect from them.

I mean it kindly but how has she ended up so selfish without any ability to follow through on an arrangement?

Is selfishness the norm with her?

I wouldn't be making any effort for her 21st.

I would leave that up to her father.

I would certainly be pulling back very sharply.

She chose to deliberately ruin a very special treat for you.

That is very nasty, deliberately so.

She sounds as if she has never experienced consequences for her behaviour.

I believe in "you choose the behaviour, you accept the consequences".

21 is not a child and I would not be carrying on as business as normal after doing something so dreadfully selfish and nasty.

What action has your husband taken?

It is no wonder some people grow up to be such unpleasant people if they have been reared to think that those around should accept such awful behaviour.

OP, do not suck this up, do not move on from this.

I posted above about this @Whiteroomjoy and think its really interesting. Do you think then because of all this new study and research that people in their 20s shouldn't be able to work/train in jobs which involve serious tasks and decision making? Like medical/educational/emergency settings then?

What an awful thing to do yo you both, how she could have gone on her night out and enjoyed it knowing you couldnt go away because of her cancelling!

I wouldn't cancel.

I completely understand how you feel, she hasn't behaved well and let you down. However, she is 21 and most of us do things when we are young that are selfish.

If you cancel your relationship could be damaged and might not recover. Years down the line this could cause problems, stress and upset.

I would feel exactly the same as you. I know this is something you were really looking forward to, you've lost money etc, it isn't right at all and you must be very upset. However, this is her 21st and if you cancel she will remember this for the rest of her life and I just feel the fallout for your family could be more painful than you missing your weekend away.

I would go ahead and make her 21st fabulous, I know this will be difficult. Doing this will also make her think about how she has let you down and she might realise the hurt she has caused and understand that when you make a promise for something important, you see it through.

I can see I'm going against the grain with my thoughts though.

I cannot believe some of these replies. Perhaps most people are too far away from being twenty to put themselves in the DSD shoes. I work with sn students today but at aged twenty I would have run away from anything like this without feeling guilty about the consequences. I am glad that I wasn't judged, condemned, punished or labelled for life.

Definitely cancel

To do a date change was expensive and we couldn’t be sure that the same wouldn’t happen again so we decided to just cancel and lose the money (100% non refundable as within 14 days)

There was no need to go Scorched Earth. You should have told DSD that she was committed and made her stick to her promise of babysitting, and gone for your trip. Why on earth didn't you?

LOL. I was married at 20, working full time, and running my own home.

My own DD, at 21, was a fully qualified primary school teacher with responsibility for 31 pupils, 5 of which had SEN.

You're making excuses for a fully grown adult. And it sounds as though Op and DH were too afraid to force her to do what she had promised. Ridiculous molly coddling.

All the “but she’s 20” apologists - at what age should one know that it’s not okay to agree to do something to help your family and then pull out at the last minute with no regard to the impact on them? If it’s okay at 20, nearly 21, what about 24? 25? 30? 40? Genuinely interested in what the cut off is here. As others have said, plenty of young adults of that age in very responsible jobs/training - is that inadvisable too? Should we change the age of majority from 18?

OP hasn't been back but I think there are deeper issues which need to be addressed than a single trip.
You cannot treat an adult like a teenager and withdraw treats if they are just choosing to live their life differently from what you like.
The DSD may not feel the same way about the DD that the OP assumed (I've seen it a lot) and the OP will have to reflect upon that and learn to accept and forgive it in time.

People change when they turn into adults and the life lessons which you think have sunk in may not have sunk in or may have been turned down. You cannot punish a young person for being themselves if they haven't actively harmed anyone in the process.

The problem is you are the one doing all of the arrangements for the cottage. Step back as sm by all means, but your dh is the parent and he should be the bigger person. He had decided she was reliable enough to make the original booking (which he should have booked flexible), but after the one let down decided she was no longer reliable and to loose all of his money by not paying to move the booking. These were both his decisions. You have now decided to potentially waste the deposit on something she doesn't know about to teach her a lesson. There is obviously bad feeling now, which is why you haven't spoken since, but your dh needs to bring her back in to clear the air, otherwise this will fester.

I think you needed to tell DSD (who is only 20?) how important that trip was for you and how let down you felt about it.

I also think you should have discussed with her about whether or not to reschedule the trip or to cancel completely as you could potentially have found another date that worked for you both and which she felt she could commit to fully.

At the end of the day though looking after her step sister for a weekend is not something she has to do and sounds like a fairly big commitment and a big favour.

Regarding the weekend cottage, if you want to holiday with her then book somewhere big enough for her and her bf. If it was only going to be as a thank you for the babysitting then don't bother as she's not doing the babysitting.

As she's only 20 if you haven't had the full and frank conversation about this and have knee jerked into cancelling the break instead of rescheduling it then although I would understand how you felt I would also say that YABU.

also lol-ing at the idea of 21 year olds not being able to make decisions.

I'd been in the army for a year or two by the time i was 21 and keeping the cold war cold rather than hot.

But i do think that OP and her DH should say that it was a shitty and expensive thing to do to them, not to mention a shitty and disappointing thing to do to her sister.

And then to cancel the cottage because she's not reliable and obviously has other priorities than her family. Which is fine, but it would have been good to know this before having to cancel a long planned weekend away.

And then just see how the relationship goes. And, OP, you might want to ask, if you're all calm, if she didn't call you on MD because she was feeling bad, or if there is something you need to know.

At the end of the day though looking after her step sister for a weekend is not something she has to do and sounds like a fairly big commitment and a big favour.

which she committed to. And this is the rub. She committed to it, was communicating about it and then... fucked them off. So yes, she needs to hear that what she did was cunty. And that since she can't commit to things, that she can arrange her own 21st. Maybe DH can contribute to that, but in OPs shoes? I'd be stepping right back. In case people forgot: this was a significant trip for OP. DSD doesn't get off scott free for ruining that.

"Respite home or holiday for sensitive children" I'm not sure these actually exist!

Adults let one another down all the time throughout life. Just look at some of the threads on here, especially in Relationships. A twenty year old today is more immature than a twenty year old in 2003 but they are not children and you cannot punish them by taking away treats and expect a healthy outcome.