WIBU to cancel?

[LadyLaaLaaa]

Recently it was a big birthday of mine, DH had arranged a surprise weekend away for me and him to go back to where we honeymooned (short haul destination), and organised for DSD(20) to come and stay to look after DD(11), he’d arranged it months in advance and arranged the date with DSD prior to booking (I’ve seen text messages plus a calendar invite which she’d accepted), he says he’s also repeatedly discussed it over the phone. DD also knew about it and she says her and DSD had regularly discussed it and made plans about what they wanted to do etc.

DH surprised me on my birthday with his gift, I was so excited because we have never had a weekend away on our own since having DD and it’s usually me who makes holiday plans so I was over the moon he’d gone to so much effort.

When DSD called to wish me happy birthday I thanked her for having DD whilst we go away, “aww no problem” she said. Within minutes she phoned DH asking when we go, she said she could no longer do that date as she had plans that couldn’t be changed (night out/seeing friends). There was no apology to either of us, I’ve not heard from her since, she would normally wish me happy Mother’s Day but I didn’t hear from her today.

There’s nobody else who could look after DD, she’s autistic and although she copes well it just makes childcare tricky as there’s very few people she feels safe and comfortable with.
To do a date change was expensive and we couldn’t be sure that the same wouldn’t happen again so we decided to just cancel and lose the money (100% non refundable as within 14 days).

I’m still gutted, I just feel so let down by her and I feel sad for DH as he really tried to do something special for me and he feels like he failed.

It’s DSD’s 21st coming up and I had booked a gorgeous big cottage for a long weekend for us to celebrate, there’s room for her to bring her boyfriend and a couple of friends and for some extended family to join us too. I paid the deposit last year and now the balance is due and in all honesty I don’t want to pay it any more, I feel like cancelling and losing the deposit. Not out of spite, but just a feeling of “why should I bloody bother?”. She clearly doesn’t appreciate everything me and her dad do for her or else she wouldn’t have done this?

I’m still really hurt by her letting us down and I feel like she just wants to take from us but never give anything in return. I expect that when they’re kids/teenagers but thought she’d have grown out of this by now. Am I expecting too much?

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and childish or if my feelings are valid? I could do with an outsider’s perspective here.

For context I’ve been her SM since she was 4 and overall we’ve had a pretty good relationship, we get on, she confides in me when she needs support or advice etc.
Also for context - we’re not rich, I mean we’re not skint either, but the cottage isn’t cheap and with circumstances the way they are I no longer feel like it’s the best use of all this money.

She doesn’t know that I’ve booked the cottage, I just told her to keep the dates free.

ps. Please be gentle on me, I’m feeling very fragile and emotional already today.

@Billybagpuss

why would cancelling the cottage mean there wouldn’t be an ongoing relationship?

are you one of those people who thinks that if they displease their offspring in any way they will go no contact?

cancel
cancel
cancel op
and tell her exactly why

I would definitely cancel, she doesn’t deserve the treat after how badly she treated you, but I wouldn’t make a point of telling her about it tbh as she will undoubtedly make herself feel like the victim. Do nothing about her birthday and if she asks what the plans are I would say “ oh sorry, we didn’t get round to sorting anything”.

Oh sorry I just read the hotel was non cancellable - I think there's still mileage in ringing them up and explaining what has happened and they may reschedule.

On the cottage, I'd cancel. Not particularly to give her a lesson but more because I'm not sure she would appreciate the gesture and may not even make herself available.

I think I'd try and have a conversation with her about it all, maybe she can cancel her plans for you and you still do birthday thing

*her 21st birthday thing I meant

Actually it makes perfect sense. Money is fungible, and OP will “need” to book a new break (in as far as a break is actually needed) to make up for the one they paid for but lost.
OP has a young autistic child so it could be argued she could really do with a break, more than most.
I also would, in softly regretful tones, explain that you cancelled her 21st in order to recoup the money you lost on your break.
DSDs behaviour was shitty and she knows that. This is why she hasn’t dared contact you for MD.

This. No guarantee she'll turn up given her form.

It's a cancel from me!

Definitely cancel. Shitty behaviour from her, a "night out/seeing friends" isn't something that "she can't get out of" , she's changed her mind about looking after your daughter and just doesn't want to say so.

Yes I would cancel and just say to DSD "oh that date we told you to save, you don't need to now" and leave it at that and not elaborate.

It looks like your DSD has arrived at the very important life stage where she needs to separate herself completely from her family of origin. It is a tricky time and she needs to do this so that she can move on and create her own family. However, she has gone about it the wrong way. She is sending you a message that she is not going to be available to parent her sister and that you can't rely on her anymore. It's a shame she didn't manage this with more grace but very young adults often can't separate from parents without some upset.

Can you find some other form of paid babysitting for your daughter. There must be someone you can trust eg TA from her school. It would be worth building up to this just in case something happened that required you to be away overnight.

Absolutely cancel. And maybe do a 'nice' dinner at home for her 21st.
I also don't understand all this 'awww she's only 21, poor brain development and decision making really until 25'
Does that mean we should stop people training to be doctors, nurses, lawyers, police, teacher etc till 25 given if keeping to a promise like babysitting is so hard, how can they be 'trusted' with such responsibility in these roles?

This.

This is true. You know now she's not reliable.

Cancel.

I’d put off cancelling just yet and have DP speak to her about how she’s let you all down and that you can’t go because of it.
He needs to tell her how you had booked a cottage for her, her boyfriend and friends because you wanted to do a nice thing for her to thank her for allowing you both to go away.

Tell him to lay the guilt on heavily.

If she still refuses to do it then cancel it and say it was meant to be a thank you for having DD but obviously because she didn’t do it then you aren’t going to get her a thank you gift.

It looks like your DSD has arrived at the very important life stage where she needs to separate herself completely from her family of origin. It is a tricky time and she needs to do this so that she can move on and create her own family.

You don’t need to cut your entire family off just to go and have your own family.
She’s only young and I doubt that’s on her mind yet anyway.

It’s babysitting for her sibling, not caring full time for her parents.

I’d be trying to work out why I was cancelling….is it because you are pissed off?

presumably other people you invited will be disappointed and wonder why?

I think you and dh need to sit with her and talk this through .

There are two scenarios here:

(1) your husband did not try to insist she honoured her plans when she originally said she couldn’t make it, in which case she may not fully understand the consequences of cancelling and i would be just as annoyed with him as with her.

(2) He explained to her the consequences and money lost and she still refused to honour her commitment. In this case I’d definitely cancel her cottage (which she probably doesn’t care much about anyway if her priority is partying with friends over time with family)

I think be honest with yourself that you do want to cancel out of spite because you're angry and upset.

The money has already been spent so you arent recouping money by cancelling the holiday cottage.

How has this already bot exploded though? What did DH say when he cancelled? I get the impression that it was just a mild mannered "oh no that's disappointing" instead of an Fallon law-laying about it being totally unacceptable to make this commitment and cancel and making it clear that if she follows through on cancelling her commitment that he will be furious with her. It all just sounds like she has been made to feel like it's a minor inconvenience and if that's how it's been communicated then she wont learn..

I would quietly cancel the cottage weekend, and not say anything. At the moment she's 'holding the date', so as and when she says 'what's happening that weekend' you can just shrug and say you had planned something but you changed your mind. Let the conversation flow from there.

I'd cancel and although you haven't told her why she is to keep the dates free, I would tell her that both you and your DH had planned to go away but as you both lost money on the last trip (i.e. the one she forced your hand to cancel on), you don't have money to burn and you're cancelling this trip too.
She is going to be 21. She needs to show some maturity and her backing out last minute doesn't show that. It is showing that she is still living the life of a young teenager without responsibilities and commitments.

Has your DH mentioned how disappointed you both are that the last trip got cancelled because she backed out of looking after her step-sister?

I’d cancel too.
wouldn’t say anything to her.

I wouldn't cancel, I'd go but I'd turn it into your own birthday weekend away and take your own friends. However, you have to be prepared to accept that's probably going to further damage the relationship. Px

I wouldn't cancel the cottage as that could be a nice weekend for you with or without her. Unless you can get all your money back and you would definitely not have gone otherwise.
I'm not sure she would remember to keep those dates free, or not ditch you in favour of friends and a night out at the last minute instead. It sounds as though she is in the stage some post-teen offspring have during their early 20s where their friends and partners come first and their family a very distant way down the list of priorities.