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AIBU?

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Original poster

dinner just went to shit - why?

419 replies

Whatjusthappenedthen · 19/03/2023 17:59

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Notreadyformenopause · 19/03/2023 19:25

All she did was reach for the gravy.
I don't get why you made a big deal of it, unless there are deeper issues going on.

jays · 19/03/2023 19:25

You made her feel l humiliated and powerless by telling her she had fo ask for a gravy jug and made yourself the ruler of it all because you’re the king of the castle and you don’t have to ask. If someone told me I had to ask for the gravy jug I wouldn’t be sitting down to dinner with them again. You humiliated her. You’re having a family dinner, not shooting a scene in Downton Abbey. Your ‘joke’ wasn’t funny, it was a dig, that’s what went wrong.

IhearyouClemFandango · 19/03/2023 19:25

It does sound a bit like this is on you tbh. You picked on DD for not asking if she could have gravy (very odd), then left the table for a sulk, kept picking up DD for sulking after you sniped at her, picked dp up on TV volume etc etc. Just chill out and leave people be.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 19/03/2023 19:27

Hankunamatata · 19/03/2023 19:15

I would have sent dc to her room. Enjoyed dinner and let her eat after.

Why? Are you this poor a parent as well?

LjSebs · 19/03/2023 19:27

You caused all the drama, unnecessarily. I would act stroppy if you spoke to me like that over gravy. I mean honestly. Read back your post and the problem will be quite obvious.

saveforthat · 19/03/2023 19:27

I'm really hot on table manners but with gravy it's whoever gets it first.

YukoandHiro · 19/03/2023 19:28

"I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said)."

This is what went wrong.

You stressed the small stuff because you're tried . She's 14. She's going to be moody and annoying for years to come. For the benefit of your own sanity and the functioning of your household, just ignore it.

GoodChat · 19/03/2023 19:28

YukoandHiro · 19/03/2023 19:28

"I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said)."

This is what went wrong.

You stressed the small stuff because you're tried . She's 14. She's going to be moody and annoying for years to come. For the benefit of your own sanity and the functioning of your household, just ignore it.

She was only 'moody' because the OP was PA about her wanting some fucking gravy.

ivfbabymomma1 · 19/03/2023 19:28

You lost me at fact you want her to ask before touching the gravy. Is the answer ever no?!

Wnikat · 19/03/2023 19:30

You stropped off though? This doesn’t seem to be anyone’s fault but yours?

Rainbowdrops2021 · 19/03/2023 19:31

I haven’t read the rest of the thread but coming from someone frequently on the recovering end of them sarcastic, cutting comments are not a joke stop wondering why people get hurt by them. It will destroy your dd confidence and confuse her as to what is meant to really be a “joke”.

MrsCremuel · 19/03/2023 19:31

The gravy comment sounded a bit snarky and you kept going on at her throughout the meal when ignoring might have been better but I do sympathise and would have done the same if I was in a certain mood. I think you nitpicked your DP about the TV. Sorry OP, I think your DD wound you up and you over reacted and created a bad atmosphere.

704703hey · 19/03/2023 19:32

saveforthat · 19/03/2023 19:27

I'm really hot on table manners but with gravy it's whoever gets it first.

Agree.

I'd find it a bit weird, it's on the table there for everyone to use. But my reaction would have been to just clock that your jokes weren't very funny. DD did overreact however

But hope it all blows over soon. And if you think you have automatic firsts on the gravy do a separate jug for yourself!

freddy05 · 19/03/2023 19:33

Honestly this post screams auditory processing issues. My middle daughter and I both suffer from it and honestly, most of our arguments are caused by it, way more than the family ASD/ADHD issues.

Your daughter missed what you said, either didn’t hear it or didn’t process it quickly enough. She asked what you’d said and instead of just repeating it, so she knew what you said you said something else and told her what you’d originally said was a joke.

at that point she doesn’t know if it was a joke at her expense, she has no idea what other people heard that she didn’t and/or she feels stupid because she didn’t ‘listen hard enough’ to start with.

my advice, always, when a kid asked what you said, is to repeat it, in exactly the way you said it to start with, especially if you suspect neurodiversity, because it really is disconcerting when you miss what’s going on and it’s hard to feel sociable and enjoy company when you’re missing everything that’s being said.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2023 19:34

Why are YOU apologising? Your DD acted like the teenage brat she is. Nothing to do withADHD/ASD or autism. Just lacking basic manners. She's 14.

Canthave2manycats · 19/03/2023 19:34

Provide everyone with their own gravy boat.

And install a travellator which will mean you can all move from room to room more quickly when you huff over nothing.

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/03/2023 19:34

Your ‘joke’ set the tone for the meal, just take it on the chin and think before making a sarcastic comment in future.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 19/03/2023 19:34

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2023 19:34

Why are YOU apologising? Your DD acted like the teenage brat she is. Nothing to do withADHD/ASD or autism. Just lacking basic manners. She's 14.

What exactly did she do wrong? Why can't a teenager have gravy first?

Stravawindow · 19/03/2023 19:35

Over gravy? She had to ask to get some Gravy? The issue here is with you.

Stravawindow · 19/03/2023 19:35

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2023 19:34

Why are YOU apologising? Your DD acted like the teenage brat she is. Nothing to do withADHD/ASD or autism. Just lacking basic manners. She's 14.

For sitting at the table and reaching for gravy? Are you serious?

Moveoverdarlin · 19/03/2023 19:35

She grabbed the jug first and you said a sarcastic comment and you said ‘no no really you take it’. Just sounds arsey. Why would she ask? ‘Mother dearest would you have any objection as to oneself going first with the gravy?’

Rainbowdrops2021 · 19/03/2023 19:35

It’s a manipulative tactic to make sarcastic passive aggressive comments then say it is a joke and the other person has taken it the wrong way, it’s beyond confusing to be on the receiving end of this as an adult I can’t even imagine how much it would mess with my head as a child who’s emotional responses aren’t that if a fully developed adult.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 19/03/2023 19:36

Hankunamatata · 19/03/2023 19:15

I would have sent dc to her room. Enjoyed dinner and let her eat after.

Why? Because she picked up the gravy without asking?

BellePeppa · 19/03/2023 19:37

This is one of those situations where you should have picked your battles. Gravy boats are not one of them. I have two and put them both on the table so there’s plenty for everyone (we like our gravy). I’d have just let her sulk rather than nitpick and got on with my dinner. A lot of fuss over nothing.

Canthave2manycats · 19/03/2023 19:37

Or maybe you should have asked, "would anyone like gravy?" before grabbing it, or "pass the gravy please?"

Or put the gravy on the plates in the kitchen and ditch the gravy boat altogether?