dinner just went to shit - why?

[Whatjusthappenedthen]

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

Another one who has read a different post to everyone else!

It was OP who behaved poorly.

Or just wait her turn to use it? You know, like a rational person.

It sounds like you were trying to start a fight with your DD, can you think about why? Was there something you were stressed about that was making you nitpicky? Did you feel she hadn't made enough effort for Mother's Day? Did you have a vision for how a Mother's Day dinner should go and you were frustrated that your family weren't living up to it?

I think you were in the wrong for the way you acted for all the reasons PPs have explained, but if you can pinpoint what caused you to act that way you'll hopefully be able to avoid it happening again.

Dinner went to shit because you were childish and controlling.

Wow OP this is pretty much all on you. I'd say you behaved pretty dramatically yourself (huffing off, then deigning to come back to the table, then complaining about the telly twice). Given you've told us about your own strop. I won't be surprised to learn that your DD's strop earlier in the day was along the same lines as yours.

If this is the behaviour (of yours, not hers) that you're actually telling us about, I imagine there's more which you haven't said. You know she's learning her drama from you, right? Our children learn from our actions.

Anyway, best of luck with this entire situation. Well done for apologising, even if you don't think you've done anything wrong.

What exactly did the daughter do wrong? She reached for the gravy and her mum
made a sarcastic comment. Her mum then, by her own admission, ‘lost it’ at her daughter, and then stormed out. Assuming the OP is far older than 14, she’s the one who acted like a teenage brat.

OP sounds like my mother. Snarky comments and passive aggressive comments. My sister and I grew up with low self esteem. Mum hasn’t changed.

Were you feeling generally pissed off at the time?

It does read as though you needlessly started picking at your daughter to get a reaction from her, and then when you did, upped the ante.

So unless there’s more information you haven’t shared - the reason dinner went to shit was you.

Cannot understand parents who see their child visibly upset and do absolutely nothing about it. Even if YOU don't think she should be upset, she was and they are HER feelings.

Even apologising for 'the way things went' isn't an apology. You should have taken responsibility for your very poor behaviour. You 'lost it' because you didn't agree with her facial expressions or care she was clearly upset. Your DP felt so uncomfortable he had to leave.

Whole thing sounds awful. You need to learn from this. Also as everyone else has said, it's bloody communal gravy for the table. She did nothing wrong reaching for it!

You say it was a joke, but you follow it up by saying she needs to ask to have gravy - so it clearly wasn't a joke.

If your partner had served up dinner, and you went to get gravy and were told that you should ask first, how would you feel?

Embarrassed maybe? Disempowered? Unimportant? Add to that the hormones of adolescence and the fact that she is just finding her independence - I can completely understand why she was upset.

It's interesting that you seem to feel the need to control the dinner experience - from getting the gravy first to being in control of the volume of the TV.

I'm not sure if it's linked to ND (as one of my kids is awaiting assessment and I'm told it can run in families) and some anxiety but my mother was controlling like you were in this way and I'm in therapy over it. We had (what I thought) was a really good relationship where I could go to her over anything but I realise now that I was kind of conditioned to ask permission and rely on her for things. She couldn't cope when someone at work said she was controlling and everyone at home agreed that she was when we were pressed about it.

It's crazy that your daughter needed to ask for gravy that was on the table. If you want people to ask for it, leave it in the kitchen. Surely it's on the table for people to take as you wish? You ask for it if you can't reach, imo.

It spiralled because of you walking out and making an atmosphere, once there's enough drama, you come back to create more. The TV was too loud, then too quiet from the atmosphere you created. Your own DP didn't want to be sat with the atmosphere so walked out. And your DS, they know, they aren't oblivious. They are sat there sitting in the atmosphere and trying to cope by staying silent, possibly trying to avoid being in the firing line. Your DD may not be ND but trying to cope with trauma from the atmosphere at home.

She's stroppy because you're stifling her and blaming her for things that are not her fault. You should have waited like an adult without being passive aggressive.

Perhaps some therapy for yourself and family might help if this scenario is common.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
Have you even bothered to read the OP?

You caused all this OP and ruined it for everyone else in the process….. over bloody gravy!

You sound quite hard work op

• telling a teenager she needs to ask permission to pick up the gravy
• storming off and leaving the table
• criticising your husband for turning the tv down during Sunday dinner

are you normally stroppy and controlling ?

I thought this too. Even the DP bringing her dinner through when she childishly stormed off after telling her DD she didn't want to look at her face, the DD being unable to voice why she was upset and trying to hold back tears. Screams of them thinking they can't upset the OP.

“I jokingly said it’s ok you have the gravy first”
You were obviously being sarcastic with the quip, if you’d said it genuinely with a smile there wouldn’t have been a joke to explain.
Sounds like you were just being nasty to your daughter to get a reaction from her, why would you bait your own child?

If you are in the uk all of this is made worse as its mothers day so all of the dramatics and PA nonsense would have made dd feel like she had ruined mothers day for you, no wonder she was in tears poor kid

Why? You.

This. And then while the child is upset/sulking the adult throws a strop. It is remarkably powerless being a child.

Did the gravy write this

I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.
Passive aggressive.

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it
Why? You were feeding into the strop at that point, what did this achieve?

then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room
Again, why? I

30 seconds later decided that was childish
Correct

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry
She looked upset so you told her to drop the attitude? Despite having already tried that about 4 times and it hadn't worked?

when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table
Passive aggressive, again.

partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating. He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.
Sounds like he was a bit sick of you nitpicking at everyone all dinnertime.

Sorry OP, but this all sounds of your own making. You sound like you were itching for a fight.

Why would DD need permission to have some gravy?

For future advice ( offering this perspective as an adult who can confidently say I had a very happy family childhood and upbringing).

• I was a stroppy teenager and behaved far worse than your daughter did as you describe with ' a face on her'. I could sulk for England at dinner. It was always ignored by my parents at the dinner table who would never have walked away. It was treated as a passing childhood strop. I never felt unseen or unloved but was never 'reacted to' if just sulking. Just see it for what it is - a child being an arse. It will pass and more quickly if you don't react.
• We always ate together as a family and NEVER had television or radio on over dinner. This meant with five people there was never silence. We shared our day.

My advice to you is number one in future just ignore this behaviour and carry on as if everything is fine. It avoids a Big Bad Memory of the sort you are posting about now.
number two do not have the television on at all or any back ground noise. Family dinner is about focusing on everyone else.

I agree with all of this.