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Original poster

dinner just went to shit - why?

419 replies

Whatjusthappenedthen · 19/03/2023 17:59

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Lordofthebutterfloofs · 19/03/2023 18:57

SittingNextToIt · 19/03/2023 18:55

You aren’t coming back are you?

You’re a bully and if this interaction is anything to go buy your relationship with your daughter is not looking good for the foreseeable, if things don’t change.

why on earth does she need to ask to get herself some gravy? Jesus Christ.

Show quote history

Course she ain't. I'm sure she expected lots of "what a rude child" and "omg yeah hun my kid is the same aren't they rubbish" type comments.

Backfired

Choconut · 19/03/2023 18:58

Sugargliderwombat · 19/03/2023 18:45

It was you. You were silly to tell her to ask for the Gravy (do you?!), and then rather than letting her get over it you went on and on at her.

This.

Inyournewdress · 19/03/2023 18:59

I think it was mainly you that caused the problem, though hard to be sure without seeing how dramatic DD was being. No reason why she should have to ask before taking the gravy, how bizarre! Or was that part of the joke, either way it obviously fell flat. Unless she literally snatched it from your hand it’s fine, no need for a joke anyway.

After that you really needed to be the adult and just calmly go on with tea, I sympathise because I mess up all the time but you were setting a really bad example. I am not surprised your dd was upset.

Stressyfab · 19/03/2023 18:59

God I’d hate to live in your household

StrawberryMacaron · 19/03/2023 19:00

Whatjusthappenedthen · 19/03/2023 17:59

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

As someone who was frequently picked up at the dinner table for all sorts of things which weren't important by my parent (who now has far worse table manners than me), I feel bad for your DD. And no you shouldn't "joke" about things which are passive aggrieve comments and continually pick and pick at someone. They tend to find it annoying, upsetting, angering or some combination thereof.

I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.
So she has to ask before taking the gravy, but you can take it as you please. And if she does help herself to gravy then she gets passive aggressive "jokes" thrown her way.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today
She was upset and probably indignant at being admonished for a non issue, spoke up for herself and was told to pipe down and no-one wants to hear her.

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.
This made her lose her appetite, but she was quiet and doing what she was told. You picked a further fight with her and stormed off, which would have created a lot of tension.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.
"We have a rule to stay at the table" but it';s fine for you to storm off and that should be immediately forgiven. Any negative atmosphere and tension you have created should also be immediately forgotten.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).
"I picked an unnecessary fight, upset my daughter and husband with the atmosphere I'd created and they continued to have feelings about it after I was magnanimous enough to grace them with my presence again"

FrosteeFlake · 19/03/2023 19:00

BanditsGravyStain · 19/03/2023 18:13

Look at how many times you’ve picked at her and negatively spoken towards her in such a short space of time. She wasn’t rude or out of line for reaching for the gravy, so she probably felt like she was being told off for no reason (she is correct), which upsets her and all you do is tell her off for failing to conceal her feelings.

This is why I hated my parents at this age. Nothing I did was right and when I had the nerve to be upset I was still wrong.

Yup, that shitty PA making up new rules on the spot to put kids down, complete with the fucking smile. Nasty power trip.

Babyroobs · 19/03/2023 19:01

I think you need to pick your battles ? Honestly she may not have even realized you were going towards the gravy jug and then felt picked on.

Topseyt123 · 19/03/2023 19:04

I don't really see why DD was supposed to ask for the gravy. Surely it is there to help yourself from. In our house it is just dive in.

Your flouncing into the other room and back was odd. I wouldn't have been comfortable watching that and I can imagine how sensitive a teenage girl may have felt. It should have been relatively easily sorted though with an apology from you, though that didn't happen for a while.

With regard to DD's attitude during the meal, I think it was probably mainly caused by your own poor behaviour. It might have been better to just leave her alone for me duration of the meal, but instead you continued to pick at her.

JudgeRudy · 19/03/2023 19:04

Your daughter did exactly as you did, so simply reached for the gravy. It just so happened to be at the same time. You sniped at her with sarcasm. She wasnt cheeky or rude and didnt challenge you in any way (which i would have done btw). She had difficulty hiding how hurt she was so rather than apologise for the 'miscommunication ' you upped the pressure by telling her the new rules for gravy acquisition and how she has transgressed them and further aggregated you so you can't bear to look at her and need to leave the room. Poor girl. In the midst of this your husband is chastised for not having the TV on at the correct volume (determined by you). This, coupled with you unnecessarily upsetting your daughter resulted in him losing his appetite and unable to eat his meal.
Luckily the boys were oblivious and tucked in.
What could you have done differently? Depends how far back you want to go
At gravy grab...'No, after you sweetheart'
After sarcasm... Sorry DD, I was just teasing...hey, I'm not cross sweetie
After glum face "What shall we do after dinner/how did things go with X yesterday/ I was thinking about making a cake ...blah blah smile smile
After flouncing to kitchen ...stay there
After TV volume ...thanks Hon, it was a bit loud. What do you fancy watching tonight
After husband finished....leave daughter and son in peace.

This was your making. Who made you the Gravy Queen?

dooneyousmugelf · 19/03/2023 19:05

What was the joke? :/ there wasn't kid in your OP. You described telling your DD she could have it first with a big smile on your face. Which is weird. You then told her you had been joking. She was then pissed off. Instead of picking your battles and just ignoring the huffing and puffing, you escalated the situation. You then tried to regain control by fussing over other tiny things. Very controlling of you. Thoroughly unpleasant sounding dinner all in all, for no reason at all.

CountryMouse22 · 19/03/2023 19:06

It's kind of nice how parents apologise to a wayward offspring. When my father threw my radio out of my bedroom window because he thought it was too loud, he never apologised - wouldn't occur to him. But I did get a new one a few days later.

dooneyousmugelf · 19/03/2023 19:07

Wasn't one* (

BloomForever · 19/03/2023 19:07

I'd be close to tears and lose my appetite if I was 14 and my mother stormed out of a meal after saying she couldn't cope sitting opposite me. I'd probably be close to tears now and I'm in my 30's.

treneton · 19/03/2023 19:07

And that's why in a nutshell we are going to the dogs ! Neurodiverse my arris !

Thefriendlyone · 19/03/2023 19:07

I also don’t understand why she needs to ask for the gravy. And I have no idea why you “lost it” as she was upset.

the dinner went to shit as you behaved badly .

Novatherova · 19/03/2023 19:08

Toottooot · 19/03/2023 18:06

Do you have a gravy hierarchy? 💁🏻‍♀️

Hahaha!!!!

LapinR0se · 19/03/2023 19:10

That dinner sounds like the meals of my childhood. I think I developed anorexia as a direct consequence. I simply could not handle the tension, pressure and strain around dinner time.
Please listen carefully and bear this in mind

EggBlanket · 19/03/2023 19:10

BloomForever · 19/03/2023 19:07

I'd be close to tears and lose my appetite if I was 14 and my mother stormed out of a meal after saying she couldn't cope sitting opposite me. I'd probably be close to tears now and I'm in my 30's.

I agree. What a horrible response to someone just reaching for the gravy jug at the same time. I’ve never had dinner with someone who insisted people ask before picking up the gravy jug.

It’s also weird that the OP deliberately leaves the tv on when she sits down to eat because she anticipates an awkward atmosphere. It sounds like there’s a lot more going on here than this one incident.

OP, you owe your family an apology.

Indigoshift · 19/03/2023 19:11

You can strop off to the other room sulking and so can your oh who is equally ridiculous but your teen can't sulk for a bit which is what teens do. You ignore them unless it's really serious ( it wasn't though).
Both parents can have emotional outbursts but gid forbid your dd dares to show emotion. Keeping on picking at her is really unpleasant. Who would come out of a sulk with someone going on like that!

Tandora · 19/03/2023 19:12

Well you passive aggressively shamed your daughter for simply helping herself to the food you put in front of her. Then you told her off for having feelings about it. Then you said you couldn’t bear to sit next to her and stormed out the room to eat somewhere else, before changing your mind and coming back in. No wonder she’s confused and upset. Being 14 is hard enough, without dealing with that kind of behaviour from her mum.

shrumps · 19/03/2023 19:12

Sounds very stressful all round - as you've asked....no need to have tv on in other room, that's just a distraction. If it was you who left room after the gravy incident, that's ridiculous behaviour. You were sarky to a 14 year old - that's a battle you will never win. I would calm down all round and put the gravy on the dinners, rather than have a gravy boat. Hope next Sunday is nicer x

Londontoderby · 19/03/2023 19:13

So she has to tell you when she is reaching for the gravy, but you don’t need to tell her? Why’s that?
you then moaned at her a further 3 times when she was clearly upset, and also digged at your OH about the tv.

I think you should choose your battles better, sounds like the whole house walks on egg shells around you.

Cloudhoppingdancer · 19/03/2023 19:13

If this is what you're generally like, I can understand why your child is upset and your dp doesn't have an appetite.

Your reactions are over the top and you're clearly needing to take some time alone. Come back when you can be nice.

Thefriendlyone · 19/03/2023 19:13

Agree it’s horrible behaviour from the op, she literally did All this as her daughter reached for the gravy first. And she just kept having a go at rhe poor girl. Even giving her into trouble for looking upset.

its a horrible way to treat someone, no wonder she went upstairs in tears.

fruitstick · 19/03/2023 19:14

I wouldn't normally on how people organise their family but, since you've asked for feedback.

Have standards around mealtimes, neurodiverse or not. TV goes off. Everyone sits at the table until everyone is finished unless there is a particular reason someone is being very slow. No one takes their food anywhere.

If teenagers are stroppy, eyeroll, pick at food, let them get on with it. Not everyone can be sparkling company all the time and drawing attention to it is not going to help. Bright and breezy. Act like you are enjoying their company, even if you aren't.