dinner just went to shit - why?

[Whatjusthappenedthen]

Call me overdramatic but I'm trying to process exactly what went on and dinner just now and would appreciate advice on how it went so badly and how to avoid it happening again?

First of all, we're probably all neurodiverse - DS1 and DS2 both diagnosed, I have anxiety and probably adhd but haven't been diagnosed yet, my DD acts 'strangely' for her age so I think she's probably autistic like DS1 and the same goes for my partner.

Anyway.

We sat down for a roast dinner and DD (14) grabbed the gravy jug just as I was about to reach for it. I jokingly said "it's okay, you have the gravy first" with a smile on my face, to which DD asked what I'd said and I just said I was joking, but next time ask before just taking the gravy jug.

She immediately got stroppy and started sulking, so I told her to quit it as she does this a lot and was kind of done with her behaviour for today (she had one of these strops earlier when she took offence to something else I said).

She then sat there with a face like thunder, picking at her food so I told her to stop it, then just lost it and said I couldn't cope with sitting opposite her with a face on her. Left her table and went into the other room - 30 seconds later decided that was childish and started to walk back into the dining room to be met by my partner bringing my plate to me, saying my food was going cold.
I told him it was fine and we sat back down at the table.

Started eating, had to tell DD again to drop the attitude because she was picking at her fold, sighing dramatically and looking like she was about to cry, then my partner got up and turned the tv down to a whisper in the other room (open plan room), came back and sat down but then when I said it was so quiet it may as well have gone off, the whole point I'd put it on was to avoid us all sitting in silence at the table, partner got up and turned the TV back up again then finally came back to statt eating.

He got halfway through his dinner then sat for a minute not eating, then he got up, took his plate out to the kitchen and went and sat in the other room.

Just to clarify, we don't have a rule to stay at the table until everyone's finished, so him leaving the way he did wasn't an issue, aside from the fact he didn't eat all his food like usual.

DD was on the verge of tears and ate slowly, both DS deemed oblivious and when I finished my food I went to ask dp what had been wrong and he said he'd not fancied his food because of the atmosphere (created by my telling dd off - he said I wasn't wrong to do that but it created an awkward atmosphere which put him off his food).

Now, I'm baffled by how it all spiraled - it was such a small thing that escalated and dd end dd up finishing her dinner and going upstairs in tears.

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again? Should I have just not made that joke in the first place or was dd overreacting...was the atmosphere really my fault or should my partner have ignored the fact I told dd off or was it all me and I should've just brought it up with dd after dinner?

Any advice appreciated!

I've spoken to her and apologised for how things went, but how can I stop that happening again?

I suppose you could always avoid causing a bad atmosphere at the dinner table over absolutely hee haw.

Sounds ultra toxic - not a very nice environment for your DD x

She’s 14, teenagers act that way. Moody and sometimes difficult. Sensitive to any perceived criticism or slight. She will grow out of it.

I agree.

Its actually very abusive behaviour.

And the OP, will she eventually grow out of it?

Thank you. I was just going to say that.

Look to yourself, op...

Complaining that your dd was behaving badly by sulking whilst you actually stood up and stropped off into another room?!

The mention of possible asd or adhd is irrelevant. It was you who created the atmosphere and continued it .

This ^^

Possibly not to quite the same extent, but I recognise the pattern of something trivial and not inappropriate escalating in a way that leaves you reeling inside wondering what on earth happened. Similarly we have one diagnosed ASD in our household but the rest of us may also be ASD and/or AD(H)D.

One time I was trying to talk about sorting out some duplicate keys that needed to be put on everyone's keyrings, when one DC insisted I stop talking. I said that wasn't appropriate, they could finish eating while we had a discussion and it was unacceptable to insist your parent stops talking. Then DH weighed in on the child's side "can't you see you're upsetting them". etc etc. The duplicate keys ended up sitting on the table for weeks unsorted.

Only later did I discover that the DC in question had developed a sensory related reaction to keys - thinking about, touching, or even hearing about them. Aargh!

(nearly as bad as DH's inability to cope with saying or hearing the word "fish" for several years ...)

Op, lits of people have commented on here and pointed out that things really escalated because of your reaction which is true. It sounds to me like you are struggling to work out how to deal with your 14 year old.

Teenagers are a bit self centred so won't automatically be deferential and say 'no, you have a the gravy first'. I think when you made the passive aggressive comment you were probably trying to tell her subtly 'that wasn't the polite thing to do'. The thing is being obvious about it isn't necessarily going to work with a sensitive teen and what you really need to do is model the behaviour you want to see and not nit pick all their negative behaviours, especially when they are in a particularly sensitive mood. My Mum was a but like you in the constant need for me not to pull face or 'what's that face for' when she's clearly been horrible to me and then expected me not to even show that I was upset by it. Your daughter is allowed to have emotions.

I don't believe how many people are completely misunderstanding your efforts to inculcate good automatic table manners (please could you pass the etc) with a bit of humour!!

You had a go at your 14 year old daughter because she picked up the gravy jug.
You had a huge emotional over reaction and stormed away from the table because your daughter was struggling (but managing) to control her emotions.
Your husband left because you made it a tense atmosphere.

You owe your daughter an apology.

14 year old’s can be ultra sensitive moody little shits, but it seems that you were intent on picking at your DD. Did you really think she would snap out of her bad mood (the bad mood that, reading between the lines, you probably passive aggressively caused in the first place) by you nagging her about picking at her food? You’re an adult and need to learn to pick your battles if you want to live in a harmonious household.

I grew up in a family where this kind of thing happened quite often - this was in the 1960s. I would say we all had Aspergers (or whatever it's called). I would say it arose out of the dynamic of the whole family. In our case, I think some problems arose because each of us would rather be right than happy.

BTW I now think all families are weird, actually.

You could have just said a straightforward, "please ask before taking the gravy " instead of the sarky "oh it's OK you have the gravy first". I can hear the tone of that in my head, and it wasn't a joke, it was having a passive-aggressive dig at your DD leaving her humbled and belittled, and that's why she was upset. You then had a go at her for being upset about it, then stormed out.
My mother would do this. Make snippy remarks, then say it was just a joke, along with the dramatic storming outs, tears, having a go at us for being upset, and 'causing an atmosphere'.
Its not pleasant

Why does it matter who has the gravy first and why did you need to comment?

Everything stemmed from there, it sounds like it's not been a great day for you all but you started it and then wound yourself up even more.

It sounds like you nitpicked everyone’s actions. DD with the gravy boat, DH with the TV and took yourself off in a strop. Even if you came back, as a completely neurotypical with a great relationship with my parents as a teenager, I’d probably been close to tears too with my mum if she’d stomped off. Nitpicking at your daughters facial expression, totally unproductive and would feel super controlling. If she’s name calling or actually being verbally rude, ok to pull up, but she’s feeling miserable, telling her to snap out of it at dinner was never going to be a winning strategy…

Op ain’t returning.

Oh god, well first of all as soon as I posted this, I read it back and realised that you're right, it was all my fault.

I talked to my daughter and she said she hadn't realised I was going for the gravy, got upset when I told her off as she thought everyone would think she had ruined the dinner (it wasn't even a proper mother's day dinner or anything, just a normal sunday roast!) and then apparently when I left the room my partner said "well done!" which upset her more and he's since admitted that he shouldn't have said that as he wasn't in the room when gravygate happened but "assumed" she must've done something bad because of the way I reacted.

I gave her a hug, told her that she wasn't in the wrong at all and that I misunderstood and overreacted.

My partner reckons he's got anxiety or something too as just cooking the dinner stressed him out something rotten.

Came back to hundreds of comments so couldn't read through them all, but got the gist that you all think it was me in the wrong, too.

Back on my anxiety meds then, I guess!

You asked for advice but haven’t returned to the thread. Here’s my advice: Ignore the sulking next time. All of this was your fault for reacting, over-reacting, then reacting some more. Choose your battles.

Also exactly like my mother, nothing was ever good enough.

I realise that now and that I need to stop it before dd ends up exactly the same as me.

Suggestion:

Have the gravy in the middle where everyone can reach it. Then first come first pours.

Have background music on.

Refrain from commenting on anything unless you really have to.

Oops, you have returned, apologies! My point still stands though.

She didn't hear your first comment on the gravy so all she heard was ask first before you use it to her and no one else.

This has upset her at which point rather than say you didn't mean it you instead said you didn't want to look at her.

She has been rejected by her own mother on mother's day. This is why she is upset