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Original poster

How do some intelligent men not fucking get it??

446 replies

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 11:52

DH is an intelligent human being. How is it that any intelligent human being has managed to fuck Mother’s Day up to this extent?

A few weeks ago, he asked me what I want to do for Mother’s Day. I said I’d like a day to relax, maybe lunch or afternoon tea with my DM or something like that. He said everything would be booked up and overpriced on mothers day so that was a clear no.

This morning at 6.30, DS wanted a toy that was left in the car and I asked DH to get it, he responded with “why is that my responsibility?”. No card, no cup of tea, no breakfast in bed - nothing. Every Sunday we do a dog walk and go to a cafe. Cafe opens at 8 but is heaving by 9 so DH is then hurrying me along to be out of the house early. In the cafe, DH goes to save a table and I go to order wrangling DS. DH and I order the same thing but they only have one left so I order something else for one of us - I tell him that and he makes no offer for me to have the thing we both originally wanted. He then tucks in and I manage DS and DD - by the time he’s finished, I’ve barely touched mine so he had over half of my food too. DS then sees something outside and runs over to the window, I go to retrieve him and when I get back, DH tells me that he’s had to get up to deal with DD “because she was so sad” and I wasn’t dealing with it (because I was on the other side of the room with DS!!). He’s purchased a book off Amazon that you’re supposed to gap fill with phrases like “I love my mummy because ” but he hasn’t filled it out. No card, no flowers, no dinner cooked, nothing. …and he’s just told me he thinks I should go to the gym. How hard is it for an intelligent, decent person to buy a bunch of flowers, fill out a card, make a cup of tea and not criticise me for one bloody day of the year?!

Happy Fucking Mother’s Day everyone!

OP posts:
DizzyLizzyKizzy · 19/03/2023 14:13

You need to sit down and have a looooong talk! Totally unacceptable.

SquidwardBound · 19/03/2023 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at OP's request

This isn’t an emotional intelligence problem either. Let’s not pretend it’s a capability issues rather than a willingness one.

Namechangethisonetime · 19/03/2023 14:16

He is neither parenting nor intelligent, nor has any self-awareness.

callthataspade · 19/03/2023 14:16

I mean he's not a decent man like you said...

It's one thing to forget your card. It's another to treat you like shit and eat your fucking food

Presuming this isn't a one off

The question is what are you going to do

Odile13 · 19/03/2023 14:17

It sounds like he isn’t treating you nicely and giving you no consideration. He shouldn’t be like this on ANY day - not just Mother’s Day. I don’t think he doesn’t know what to do to be nice, he just doesn’t want to do it.

I’m intrigued to know what he would have said if you’d replied “and why is it my responsibility?” when he refused to get DS’s toy from the car. Because it isn’t either of your responsibilities to do this all the time - the duties should be shared.

ClaireStandishsLipstick · 19/03/2023 14:20

I decided to take responsibility for myself on Mother’s Day during the years that the children were small and not in a position to get anything themselves. I would tell DH what we were doing and that I would not be cooking.

Over40Overdating · 19/03/2023 14:21

OP, this man is not decent. You know that. His behaviour today in treating you like a domestic serf and prioritising his own wants and needs is not just something that’s happened today, is it.

You say you didn’t say anything and wanted to go with the flow to have a nice day.

Think about this from another angle : if you express any thoughts, needs or wants that annoy or inconvenience your husband you will have a shit day.
Is that a decent partner?
Is that the standard of relationship you want to model for your child?

So many times when a woman posts on here defending the horrible, selfish and harmful behaviour of men, they will refer to sons and ask whether you’d like someone criticising your son in same way.

Unless you show your son that women / mums are to be thought of and appreciated, not seen as household serfs, there’s every chance some women may one day have the same complaints about him that you’ve listed here another your partner.

MrsJamesofSutton · 19/03/2023 14:24

@Ishefuckingkiddingme

You know him. Ask yourself would he treat someone who he was deeply in love with like this-a woman who he thought he was lucky to have.

I'm imagining the answer would be No. So, he treats you like this because he cares little for you.

Ideally, either he begins to treat you like a woman he adores, a woman that without his world would darken and seeing her happy feels him with happiness or you must leave him when the children are a little older.

You have two small children and he is already treating you like part of the furniture, a woman for whom he makes no effort-when you have been with him for a few more years, he will be treating you with contempt.

Unless a man treats you as if you are a prize he is glad to have, then it is really not much good at all. Your husband sounds like a nasty piece of work who knows he is hurting you, probably resents you and doesn't care if you are happy or sad.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2023 14:26

Why did you not tell him to stop eating your bloody food!?

RichardHeed · 19/03/2023 14:27

The real question is are you intelligent enough to realise your husband doesn’t value you, and you deserve better?

Mother’s Day aside, he has treated you terribly today, spoke to you like shit and not pitched in to parent his own children. He’s pathetic and those children deserve better.

Minimaleast · 19/03/2023 14:34

I haven’t read the whole thread but I’d advise you to stop being so considerate and accommodating.
Next Sunday when you arrive at the cafe swiftly move to the table, leaving him to place the order. If the children need attention, smile and nod to him signalling it’s his shout, not yours. While he’s busy, take a bite out of his food. If the penny still doesn’t drop, leave the tea bag in his cuppa.
Repeat until he learns.

TheClitterati · 19/03/2023 14:34

He doesn't sound decent at all. Or even very intelligent. He seems self centred, inconsiderate & thoughtless

FrostyFifi · 19/03/2023 14:37

You sound very passive in all of this. Why aren't you speaking up for yourself more, and letting him away with this shit?

SquidwardBound · 19/03/2023 14:40

I think men who generally treat you poorly all too often take days like Mother’s Day as an opportunity to really reinforce the contempt they hold you in.

As others have said, the real question is what you do now that you are where you are?

LadyRoughDiamond · 19/03/2023 14:40

Wow, he’s controlling everything, isn’t he? He asks what you’d like to do (fair enough), he decides you can’t do it, he decides when you go out for a walk, he decides who gets the item in the cafe, he decides that you should now go to the gym. I’d be very interested to know what happens when he’s denied the opportunity to be in charge of everything, and whether his reaction means you still think he’s someone you want to be around.

DarkDarkNight · 19/03/2023 14:43

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 13:02

I’m not trying to “be a martyr”, I was trying to avoid ruining Mother’s Day (ironically). Trying to have a nice day and stupidly thinking that, if I just go with the flow, it’ll be fine.

What would have happened if you said there was only one of what you had both ordered so you would have it? Why would that have spoilt the day? Surely on Mother’s Day he could suck it up?

whatausername · 19/03/2023 14:44

He's horrible! Actually horrible. How have you got to the point where you just put up with it!?

Led9519 · 19/03/2023 14:44

My DH the same, all I got were the cards the kid made with the childminder and that I had already seen.
our 5 month old is fed expressed milk (tongue tie nursing refusal) so there I was pumping 2 pints of milk at 6am this morning with two shitty cards not even in envelopes.
since that milk is enough for baby for most of the day (and we have some frozen anyway) I fucked off out.
When I left I slammed the door and told him next time to get a present. Ironically was meant to take the kids to a play date this morning so he could get some garden stuff done… but I was too angry to go.
So bet he’s regretting that.

Told myself I am never going to rely on him for Mother’s Day again. I will arrange something nice for myself.

And to think all the effort I went to for his birthday last week. Tw*t.

Led9519 · 19/03/2023 14:45

Led9519 · 19/03/2023 14:44

My DH the same, all I got were the cards the kid made with the childminder and that I had already seen.
our 5 month old is fed expressed milk (tongue tie nursing refusal) so there I was pumping 2 pints of milk at 6am this morning with two shitty cards not even in envelopes.
since that milk is enough for baby for most of the day (and we have some frozen anyway) I fucked off out.
When I left I slammed the door and told him next time to get a present. Ironically was meant to take the kids to a play date this morning so he could get some garden stuff done… but I was too angry to go.
So bet he’s regretting that.

Told myself I am never going to rely on him for Mother’s Day again. I will arrange something nice for myself.

And to think all the effort I went to for his birthday last week. Tw*t.

Btw… he’s fine with everything else but presents and cards are such a blind spot I just don’t get it!?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 19/03/2023 14:47

Another cunt who thinks treating you this way is okay. It isn't. Tell him it isn't okay. Make a fuss. Be heard. Be angry.

Or leave. That is what I would do.

Pixiedust1234 · 19/03/2023 14:47

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 13:02

I’m not trying to “be a martyr”, I was trying to avoid ruining Mother’s Day (ironically). Trying to have a nice day and stupidly thinking that, if I just go with the flow, it’ll be fine.

And that is why he is behaving appallingly today. He knows he can get away with it.

I'm so sorry OP but your husband doesn't care for you as another human being but what you can do to make his life better (or make him look good to others, ie family man). He won't change so you need to decide if you can continue like this for the next twenty years or start planning to leave him. I know this because I was you.

Happy Mothers day, I hope it gets better Flowers

diddl · 19/03/2023 14:53

When you talked about lunch/afternoon tea with your Mum & he said no-why didn't you organise it anyway?

I wouldn't expect my husband to organise something for me & my mum.

It seems that having said no to what you asked for he decided that nothing needed doing.

Tbh if there was only one of what we both wanted at the cafe & I had queued & paid whilst looking after a kid (can he not manage both??) I would just have eaten it!

All of that said he's fucking horrible to you.

whatausername · 19/03/2023 14:55

@Ishefuckingkiddingme , @Pixiedust1234 is totally right. You are a tool or a resource to make him look good. 'You' and what you can do for him are two different things. He doesn't care for you, he cares what you can do for him. You could be switched out with any number of women who can cook/parent/clean/have sex etc. But you are worth SO SO much more than that. Lay down some boundaries, not for the sake of your kids but for you. Because you really do deserve it.

Wondersocks · 19/03/2023 14:56

@Ishefuckingkiddingme i think I have the answer to this. It is probably a particular issue for men who consider themselves intelligent. Here’s my hot take-
He’s rebelling because he thinks he’s being manipulated into being nice rather than feeling inspired to do so on his own. A bit like when your significant other gives a back rub only to try turn it into sex. you might want it, but if you feel you are being “tricked” you might also slightly resent it.

He thinks if you already expect something (yes even if it was him who bloody asked you what you wanted in the first place) so the “fun” has been taken out of it for him. He probably felt the pressure, had a few really good ideas, failed to get his shit together on them, now feels deeply guilty but is trying to fool both you and him that it was actually something about the way you’re acting that means you’re not getting the day you deserve. Hence the riddiculous angry flip over getting the toy. my advice? Just act super grateful for the little things he does do today, shit I know, but it means there’s less chance he’ll be scared off trying to do a nice thing in future.
If he’s often like this with presents etc I suggest you always pretend you don’t want anything at all, don’t want to go anywhere at all, and the chances of surprising you will increase.
Not fair but does work

Bearpawk · 19/03/2023 15:10

Sorry you lost me at the second paragraph.
Why didn't you just book and afternoon tea for you and your DM if that's what you wanted to do? Are you not allowed access to money?

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