How do some intelligent men not fucking get it??

[Ishefuckingkiddingme]

DH is an intelligent human being. How is it that any intelligent human being has managed to fuck Mother’s Day up to this extent?

A few weeks ago, he asked me what I want to do for Mother’s Day. I said I’d like a day to relax, maybe lunch or afternoon tea with my DM or something like that. He said everything would be booked up and overpriced on mothers day so that was a clear no.

This morning at 6.30, DS wanted a toy that was left in the car and I asked DH to get it, he responded with “why is that my responsibility?”. No card, no cup of tea, no breakfast in bed - nothing. Every Sunday we do a dog walk and go to a cafe. Cafe opens at 8 but is heaving by 9 so DH is then hurrying me along to be out of the house early. In the cafe, DH goes to save a table and I go to order wrangling DS. DH and I order the same thing but they only have one left so I order something else for one of us - I tell him that and he makes no offer for me to have the thing we both originally wanted. He then tucks in and I manage DS and DD - by the time he’s finished, I’ve barely touched mine so he had over half of my food too. DS then sees something outside and runs over to the window, I go to retrieve him and when I get back, DH tells me that he’s had to get up to deal with DD “because she was so sad” and I wasn’t dealing with it (because I was on the other side of the room with DS!!). He’s purchased a book off Amazon that you’re supposed to gap fill with phrases like “I love my mummy because ” but he hasn’t filled it out. No card, no flowers, no dinner cooked, nothing. …and he’s just told me he thinks I should go to the gym. How hard is it for an intelligent, decent person to buy a bunch of flowers, fill out a card, make a cup of tea and not criticise me for one bloody day of the year?!

Happy Fucking Mother’s Day everyone!

I’m nearly sixty and it still blows my mind how little intelligent men “get” about how to please a woman and how little effort and money it would take if they just bothered to plan slightly in advance, pre-order some gorgeous flowers and write a few well thought out lines in a card. But they are just not interested in doing this.

In fact, I bet there are hardly any men reading this thread bc it won’t interest them but there are bound to be some on the sex topic. Actually, let’s test it, please shout out if you are a bloke posting on this thread and top marks to you if you are!

He does not sound intelligent or decent.

I sometimes wonder if it’s so hard wired in some men that even the best of mothers can’t guarantee their son will make a great partner for someone. I worry my own sons will become like this even though they’re nice decent young men (now). Sometimes I think you either are or you’re not going to make a good partner no matter what. My uncle was a terrific husband to my aunt yet he grew up with a mother who didn’t even like him and favoured her daughters - he could have turned in to a woman hater but he was a fantastic person. I used to say if all husbands were like him there’s never be unhappy wives. Unfortunately I never managed to find my own version. 🙁 My ex’s mother is lovely so how come her son can be such an ass?🤷‍♀️

Why is Chemistry manly? Asking as a female ex-chemistry teacher.

My DH (and not the father of my children, who are grown up anyway) made me keto chocolate brownies this morning. Just saying.....
Your not so D H does sound very thoughtless... But why didn't you say anything?

1. "Why is that my responsibility?" Because it's mother's day.

2 . Hurrying you along to get out of the house early - no I'm having a lie in today

1. DH goes to save the table - I will save the table and you can order today
2. He makes no offer for me to have the thing we both originally wanted - they only had one (insert name of item here) so I got you something else I know you like BECAUSE IT'S MOTHER'S DAY AND I HAD TO GO AND GET IT.
3. He tucks in and I manage DS and DD - why didn't you ask him to help?
4. He had over half of my food too - I haven't finished yet, you hold DS so I can eat it

Etc. Etc. Etc. Yes he is thoughtless and yes you do deserve more, but honestly couldn't you have stood up for yourself a bit?

That's what I was about to ask. OP, it's not really about Mother's Day, is it, if that's his typical behaviour. And tbh he doesn't sound one bit nice, intelligent or not.

He sounds awful. How can you fancy a man who can’t be bothered to make the slightest effort for you?

I’d wait for the kids to go to bed and calmly explain why I feel disappointed. Personally, I’d also enlighten him about the concepts of a mother’s load and the motherhood penalty as I don’t think he’s intelligent in these areas at least… If he’s genuinely made a mistake, it won’t happen again in future. If it does, he’s a thoughtless shit. But I’d be more disappointed about his petulant attitude more generally than the lack of grand gestures on a special day. Anyone can buy flowers. I’d rather he was kind and helpful. I mean it’s not much to ask from your partner!

Here's another angle. When it was my first Mothering Sunday I went to church and came back with some daffodils. DH asked where I had got them from and I said "church od course, you do know what day it is? Why do you think we got something for your mum?" (My mum had died years previously and she was as much a mum to me as she was to DH).

He is also a very intelligent man with three degrees, one of them a PhD, but he often seems on a different planet and incapable of working normal everyday things out. He is also very absent minded and doesn't think things through logically. I have since come to the conclusion that he has some form of ADHD after we both did some online tests and he got a very high score to my low one.

Well your so called "D"H might be intelligent, but he is also a lazy, selfish useless twat.

Is this how he is most of the time? If so, I would seriously think about binning him off.

If all that is how he normally treats you and the kids, why would it be ok if he actually had been suddenly thoughtful on Mother's Day?

Because this has nothing to do with inteligence in the usual sense of the word.

Picking up on your thread title, being intelligent and being a selfish arsehole aren't mutually exclusive.

You can't be saying he's dad of the year for 364 days and this has come out of the blue.

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't believe you have any worth. So he treats you as worthless. He is the only one who is due all the respect, the best of everything, too important to do anything that might require him to exert himself.

I recommend giving yourself the best Mothers Day present of all. Make today the day you start planning how to leave him. And next Mothers Day wake up knowing that it's just you and the DCs.

It’s got nothing to do with Intelligence and everything to do with being a thoughtful, kind husband. He sounds like an absolute thoughtless prick!

You need to tell him how upset his behaviour has made you!
Tell him the minimum you expect from him on Mother’s Day/Xmas and your birthday, whilst the Dc aren’t old enough to organise anything themselves. It’s about respect for you and if he can’t be arsed to show the Dc how to behave, you’ll be taking yourself off for the weekend, on your own, next year.

Does he treat you with similar disdain day to day? He just doesn't sound very nice full stop

I am a man. Never had ovaries etc.

Explain to him that you don't want a repeat of today, it wouldn't have taken much to show his appreciation, it's made you feel like crap and if it happens again you'll have to seriously rethink the relationship. Nobody wants to feel that they're last on anyone's list. Also use this opportunity to bring up the lack of help every day, you need him to pull his weight, which includes an occasional weekend lie-in and sometimes looking after his own children!

I would have refused to go to the cafe and stayed in bed

Today, my sister told her husband she didn't want to deal with anyone who came out her vagina, nor entered it!

I think he sounds thoughtless TBH .OK hes a Teacher and has been on strike ,but a few flowers from SM or PS would suffice! My friend has had enough now ,and they have a "day out" together before her BD or Xmas .And she will see something she likes ,point it out ,he buys it and wraps it .Job done ! Personally I cannot see how its so much trouble for men .Maybe adopt this approach? Its not Divorce time on its own ,but scoffing the cake you both wanted is not nice , and not allowing you a lie in either! So many Mums and women generally "put up with it" as they dont want a fuss! Perhaps You could adopt the same approach for Fathers Day.Nil effort ,No Card ,lie in or Beers/Tshirt /Books or whatever. See what he thinks about that shall we! Apart from anything else its teaching DC the wrong example

I think men get so used to women being nice, moving out of way, being martyrs, being kind that it gets to a point that they just think that's how the world works. They are King Dong. You have been housekeeper/servant zoned. You need to take that anger and annoyance you are venting here and start telling your H in no uncertain terms to shape up. The more you give the more men are willing to take. You have given your power away in the relationship - take it back!

I also think there are a lot of men who think they have "let" their wives have children, so therefore the wife is totally responsible for all household child related duties. You probably don't show your feelings at the time as you don't want to upset things especially in front of your kids but tonight when they are in bed I'd let him know how he has let you (and the children) down today and how things have to change.

But he's already ruined Mother's Day hasn't he? And it sounds as though he was quite determined to do so.

Sorry you're feeling attacked @Ishefuckingkiddingme - I understand that you wanted to vent and be validated. But I think the number of posters who are telling you that this is a serious problem that's much bigger than Mother's Day should give you serious thought.

I think PPs are right - even if you say 'I don't want to live with someone who deliberately chooses not to show appreciation for what I do', he might panic and pull his socks up for a month - but you've seen the real him. Not only does he not care about you, he's angry with you that he doesn't care. It's your fault that he doesn't care.

I'm so sorry OP, he's been unforgivably thoughtless. My DH doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, and I have to tell him what to buy for my birthday, but come Morhers Day it is MY day. I get the lie in, the cards and maybe some flowers, but more than that - no childcare and absolute consideration for one day. You deserve better and you need to make this VERY clear

Why do people get so riled up on Mother’s Day. I said to my kids all I want is love and happy with good manners when you’re speaking to me all year around not just for one day of the year. It doesn’t count if they buy you loads of gifts and then even DH and kids are just rude generally, what’s the point? Same with birthdays all overrated.

It's your fault for making him look bad.