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AIBU?

How do some intelligent men not fucking get it??

442 replies

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 11:52

DH is an intelligent human being. How is it that any intelligent human being has managed to fuck Mother’s Day up to this extent?

A few weeks ago, he asked me what I want to do for Mother’s Day. I said I’d like a day to relax, maybe lunch or afternoon tea with my DM or something like that. He said everything would be booked up and overpriced on mothers day so that was a clear no.

This morning at 6.30, DS wanted a toy that was left in the car and I asked DH to get it, he responded with “why is that my responsibility?”. No card, no cup of tea, no breakfast in bed - nothing. Every Sunday we do a dog walk and go to a cafe. Cafe opens at 8 but is heaving by 9 so DH is then hurrying me along to be out of the house early. In the cafe, DH goes to save a table and I go to order wrangling DS. DH and I order the same thing but they only have one left so I order something else for one of us - I tell him that and he makes no offer for me to have the thing we both originally wanted. He then tucks in and I manage DS and DD - by the time he’s finished, I’ve barely touched mine so he had over half of my food too. DS then sees something outside and runs over to the window, I go to retrieve him and when I get back, DH tells me that he’s had to get up to deal with DD “because she was so sad” and I wasn’t dealing with it (because I was on the other side of the room with DS!!). He’s purchased a book off Amazon that you’re supposed to gap fill with phrases like “I love my mummy because ” but he hasn’t filled it out. No card, no flowers, no dinner cooked, nothing. …and he’s just told me he thinks I should go to the gym. How hard is it for an intelligent, decent person to buy a bunch of flowers, fill out a card, make a cup of tea and not criticise me for one bloody day of the year?!

Happy Fucking Mother’s Day everyone!

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Thesharkradar · 19/03/2023 13:14

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 12:08

I just don’t understand. It would take ten minutes and £10 total to buy a card, buy a bunch of flowers, and make me a cup of tea. In exchange, he’d get me being happy and grateful and we’d have a nice time. Even from an entirely selfish perspective, surely ten minutes and £10 is worth it for him to have a nice day?!

He doesn't want to set a precedent so that you will expect things of him, you say he's intelligent, well he uses that intelligence to make his life as easy as possible and leave all the grunt work to you

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WimbyAce · 19/03/2023 13:15

He sounds a cock tbh, but you need to speak up.

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Twentytwothousand · 19/03/2023 13:16

Why did he ask you what you wanted? Just to model how little he cares about what you want? He sounds like an absolute arse and you are far too tolerant

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Grimbelina · 19/03/2023 13:16

I am really confused why you don't seem able to a. remind him that it was Mother's Day b. repeat what you wanted to do c. do what you wanted to do. Also, why didn't you have the item in the cafe you wanted, why did you let him have it?

I just don't understand why it is so hard to put get your needs met. He sounds a pretty rubbish husband though (and perhaps some better boundaries would solve that one for you too....).

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BronwenFrideswide · 19/03/2023 13:20

How hard is it for an intelligent, decent person

He may be intelligent but he is categorically NOT a decent person.

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Cinnamon23 · 19/03/2023 13:21

It’s still early - show him this and leave him to it.
Go out and do something nice that YOU want to do, maybe take your DM along? Coffee and cake, or just pop round for some quality time? Hope you have a better rest of the day.

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Eatentoomanyroses · 19/03/2023 13:22

Has he always been like this? What happens birthdays and valentines? He sounds like he’s an arse tbh but if you plan to stay with him I would tell him in no uncertain terms you expect a fuss/cards/ flowers on Mother’s Day as he is setting the precedent for the kids who will eventually take it up themselves.

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Carlycat · 19/03/2023 13:23

He's a thoughtless prick with the emotional intelligence of a house brick. Raise your standards

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BurntOutGirl · 19/03/2023 13:25

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 12:08

I just don’t understand. It would take ten minutes and £10 total to buy a card, buy a bunch of flowers, and make me a cup of tea. In exchange, he’d get me being happy and grateful and we’d have a nice time. Even from an entirely selfish perspective, surely ten minutes and £10 is worth it for him to have a nice day?!

Basically.. he doesn't give a shit about you and you're at the bottom of his priority list.

What you do about this situation is up to you

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tothelefttotheleft · 19/03/2023 13:27

Anotheradventureforme · 19/03/2023 13:07

Oh God - I feel you all- and if you would like some advice from an older (divorced!) woman here goes.

You have a choice with these people, you must explain what you want. "Mother's Day is on Sunday. I would like a cup of tea in bed and a card and a cup cake" etc - hinting will not cut it.
If it doesn't happen, you can remind them again or just accept that they really are not that bothered, in which case, if that is important to you then maybe they are not your person . If they are usually wonderful and make you laugh, are a decent parent, work hard and have a good heart then maybe cut them some slack.
Being passive aggressive or a martyr does not cut it. A lot of relationships could have been saved by a direct, honest and grown up conversation, however uncomfortable.

Also, cheer for yourself and own your happiness and time. Okay, Mother's Day, no other bugger has done anything, so I am making toast for lunch and watching Friends for an hour.

Happy Mother's Day all of you - model positivity and fun and your kids will take over and be great when they grow up.

Op said what she wanted and he said no!

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PurpleFlower1983 · 19/03/2023 13:28

He may be intelligent but honestly he sounds like a twat.

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Lesvacances · 19/03/2023 13:28

You have to model how you're willing to be treated.
If 364 days of the year you put yourself last then why would this change on mother's day.

My dc are adults and have both been in touch this morning, we live abroad.

My dh knows that I expect a nice gift or a meal on birthdays or anniversaries.

You are important. Make sure your family understand this.

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Untitledsquatboulder · 19/03/2023 13:30

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 12:08

I just don’t understand. It would take ten minutes and £10 total to buy a card, buy a bunch of flowers, and make me a cup of tea. In exchange, he’d get me being happy and grateful and we’d have a nice time. Even from an entirely selfish perspective, surely ten minutes and £10 is worth it for him to have a nice day?!

Ah no, no, no. I get why you think that but no. If he spends 15 minutes (let's call it half an hour) making things nice for you today, then maybe you'll start expecting him to make an effort on other days too. Half an hour on Mother's Day, but what next? An hour on your birthday, being thoughtful at Christmas? Then maybe you'll start expecting him to do nice things for the kids too- it all adds up. Whereas this way he's getting you trained to accept sweet fuck all from him. A bit of pain now (a few tears, a bit if cold shouldering) is a big saving in effort for him long term.

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Wintersgirl · 19/03/2023 13:31

Intelligence has nothing to do with common sense in my opinion!

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Sugargliderwombat · 19/03/2023 13:33

I don't understand who raises these spoilt, entitled, rude, arrogant, thoughtless men. My baby is so young and I'm terrified I'm going to accidentally do it 😆

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Ostryga · 19/03/2023 13:34

Theres 3 outcomes here:

you talk to him, he listens and changes you live happily ever after
you talk to him, he doesn’t change and you continue to put up with being treated like this by someone who doesn’t give a fuck
you leave and don’t spend the next however many years of your one life being treated like shit.

The likelihood of him changing is minimal. He just doesn’t care. Yes he might step up for a few weeks if he thinks you’re really serious about leaving, but you and I both know eventually he’ll slip back into his selfish ways. Listen to the women that have experienced this - they do not change for good.

Is this how you want to model relationships to your children? That one person gets treated like this and that is acceptable? I wouldn’t! I’m a single parent so I know how hard it is to leave and to get through the first bit. But it’s worth it to not be made to feel like that anymore.

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Cosyblankets · 19/03/2023 13:34

My guess is you sort all the family birthdays and he just lets you get on with it so it's not on his radar because he doesn't normally have to think.
What are his good points?

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ozoruk1 · 19/03/2023 13:34

DH isn’t perfect (who is) but fuck me the bar is set low for men if these threads are anything to go by. No it isn’t hard, I’ve had breakfast in bed, lovely cards - some lovely face stuff and some chocolates. He has also taken over sorting out the school uniforms and the general getting stuff sorted for school that I always do. It isn’t hard to show your partner some appreciation for all they do and let’s face it mothers do tend to do the bulk. But DH knows I would feel really let down if he didn’t mark the day in some way.

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Sandra1984 · 19/03/2023 13:35

I hope you're painting a very one sided picture of him and he's also funny, great in bed, kind, great father and generous otherwise he sounds quite like a j-rk to be honest.

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Ostryga · 19/03/2023 13:36

I mean even my 6 year old made me a card this morning and put some jam on bread and wouldn’t let me get out of bed to help! Because she knew that it would mean something to me. A six year old!!! If a child can manage to be lovely I don’t understand why you would accept this from a grown man?!

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DarkDarkNight · 19/03/2023 13:36

He sounds like a thoughtless arsehole. On any day of the year if you both order something in a cafe and there’s only one you would at least have a discussion ‘oh it’s ok, I’ll have this instead’, then the other person ‘no, I’ll have the alternative’. To just tuck in on Mother’s Day and eat the thing you wanted is so thoughtless.

What gets me about posts like these is how much effort and thought the women put in to Father’s Day and their partner’s birthday and it just isn’t reciprocated. Just remember when Father’s Day comes that he can’t even do the most basic thing for you.

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Thedarkestblue · 19/03/2023 13:40

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/03/2023 11:57

Clever is not equivalent to kind or thoughtful. You are married to a complete prick, that's the problem.

This.

And stand up for yourself. It sounds like his selfish twattery is going unchallenged.

You should have Sat your arse down. Told him to take DS and order food and then took the meal you had ordered.

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Zuffe · 19/03/2023 13:40

I have not read the full thread, but your DH sounds like the sort of man that should not have pursued the family life dream. He is not up to it really.

You posted this:

A few weeks ago, he asked me what I want to do for Mother’s Day. I said I’d like a day to relax, maybe lunch or afternoon tea with my DM or something like that. He said everything would be booked up and overpriced on mothers day so that was a clear no.

Terrible thing to do to you to throw that back in your face. And the reason he is not a family man is because he doesn't do things to nurture you all. He could cook at home. It is not difficult to do that. Even laying the breakfast table out and arranging some daffs in a vase first thing is easy. And it is being in the moment.

I feel for you. Don't let your kids grow up to believe that 'taking' is the way to succeed. Giving is better. The more we give the more we get back. You know this, so hang on to it. Work on your kids.

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Thighlengthboots · 19/03/2023 13:41

He's clearly not that intelligent is he? its pretty bloody obvious you make an effort on mother's day. He sounds like a bloody moron. Why havent you reamed him out about this? tell him in no uncertain terms what an utter dock he's being. I actually agree with the martyr comments because it seems like you are carrying on as normal whilst his punk ass gets to do whatever he feels like.

Tell him and get angry about it- of you dont stand up for these things that hurt you he will just continue to tread all over your feelings and you will end up exploding with repressed resentment one day after years of being taken for granted. Respect yourself and ream him out.

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Cocobutt · 19/03/2023 13:44

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here.

The lack of card and flowers are irrelevant (they’d be off your DH and not your DC anyway which I always find a bit odd).

What is relevant is his lack of parenting and believing you are the default parent.

I would never making arrangements to go out and have some quality time without him or the kids.
He is an adult and a parent and can cope just as well as you can but just chooses not to.

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