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Original poster

How do some intelligent men not fucking get it??

446 replies

Ishefuckingkiddingme · 19/03/2023 11:52

DH is an intelligent human being. How is it that any intelligent human being has managed to fuck Mother’s Day up to this extent?

A few weeks ago, he asked me what I want to do for Mother’s Day. I said I’d like a day to relax, maybe lunch or afternoon tea with my DM or something like that. He said everything would be booked up and overpriced on mothers day so that was a clear no.

This morning at 6.30, DS wanted a toy that was left in the car and I asked DH to get it, he responded with “why is that my responsibility?”. No card, no cup of tea, no breakfast in bed - nothing. Every Sunday we do a dog walk and go to a cafe. Cafe opens at 8 but is heaving by 9 so DH is then hurrying me along to be out of the house early. In the cafe, DH goes to save a table and I go to order wrangling DS. DH and I order the same thing but they only have one left so I order something else for one of us - I tell him that and he makes no offer for me to have the thing we both originally wanted. He then tucks in and I manage DS and DD - by the time he’s finished, I’ve barely touched mine so he had over half of my food too. DS then sees something outside and runs over to the window, I go to retrieve him and when I get back, DH tells me that he’s had to get up to deal with DD “because she was so sad” and I wasn’t dealing with it (because I was on the other side of the room with DS!!). He’s purchased a book off Amazon that you’re supposed to gap fill with phrases like “I love my mummy because ” but he hasn’t filled it out. No card, no flowers, no dinner cooked, nothing. …and he’s just told me he thinks I should go to the gym. How hard is it for an intelligent, decent person to buy a bunch of flowers, fill out a card, make a cup of tea and not criticise me for one bloody day of the year?!

Happy Fucking Mother’s Day everyone!

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 19/03/2023 16:23

Wondersocks · 19/03/2023 14:56

@Ishefuckingkiddingme i think I have the answer to this. It is probably a particular issue for men who consider themselves intelligent. Here’s my hot take-
He’s rebelling because he thinks he’s being manipulated into being nice rather than feeling inspired to do so on his own. A bit like when your significant other gives a back rub only to try turn it into sex. you might want it, but if you feel you are being “tricked” you might also slightly resent it.

He thinks if you already expect something (yes even if it was him who bloody asked you what you wanted in the first place) so the “fun” has been taken out of it for him. He probably felt the pressure, had a few really good ideas, failed to get his shit together on them, now feels deeply guilty but is trying to fool both you and him that it was actually something about the way you’re acting that means you’re not getting the day you deserve. Hence the riddiculous angry flip over getting the toy. my advice? Just act super grateful for the little things he does do today, shit I know, but it means there’s less chance he’ll be scared off trying to do a nice thing in future.
If he’s often like this with presents etc I suggest you always pretend you don’t want anything at all, don’t want to go anywhere at all, and the chances of surprising you will increase.
Not fair but does work

What have I just read??? Are you for real?

Yes of course he had all those lovely ideas that he didn't get chance to do. So all the fun has been taken away from him and he's being selfish and making it OP's fault because he feels guilty... So be grateful for any little crumb he might drop to make him feel better...

The Handmaid's Tale just called, they're missing their leading lady and want you back.

swallowedAfly · 19/03/2023 16:29

Remove the onder and add ank and that username is perfect.

Rosula · 19/03/2023 16:30

Have you asked your husband all the questions you've put on here? What did he say?

thethinendofthewedge · 19/03/2023 16:33

All these PP saying don't bother with Father's Day as a form of retaliation - would he be hurt by that? He may pretend not to be even if he is. Men have a great sense of entitlement, you need to stand up to him and spell things out for him. It's heart sinking stuff but if there's good things about him and you love him then you keep at the husband training! Literally write a list of things he needs to do for you on Mother's Day from lie in, tea in bed to he takes the kids maybe, books a restaurant well in advance etc OR, let me guess, he doesn't like being 'instructed' and finds that patronising.

SquidwardBound · 19/03/2023 16:35

I’m not even sure it is retaliation. It’s more what gen z tiktokers would call ‘matching his energy’.

scorpio32 · 19/03/2023 16:36

Chestersrevenge · 19/03/2023 13:45

I’m nearly sixty and it still blows my mind how little intelligent men “get” about how to please a woman and how little effort and money it would take if they just bothered to plan slightly in advance, pre-order some gorgeous flowers and write a few well thought out lines in a card. But they are just not interested in doing this.

In fact, I bet there are hardly any men reading this thread bc it won’t interest them but there are bound to be some on the sex topic. Actually, let’s test it, please shout out if you are a bloke posting on this thread and top marks to you if you are!

I'm reading this thread and I'm a man, and feel so sad about what I'm hearing. I'll admit that I'm not great a lot if the time, and take things for granted, but I try my best on Mother's day. Partner is currently in bed watching Youtube after gorging ourselves in a lovely restaurant and I couldn't be happier.

Aria999 · 19/03/2023 16:36

☹️ it doesn't sound like he is normally very nice to you tbh.

DH doesn't do anything for Mother's Day but he would happily get a toy out the car if I asked him or let me have the last cake (or at least offer to split it!) any day of the year.

That's just basic partnering?

Why on earth shouldn't he go find a toy? Why would it be your job any more than his?

BellePeppa · 19/03/2023 16:41

I’d have said, Oi that’s mine, you can have your choice on Father's Day! Sometimes you have to be assertive rather than meek and not worry about ruining the day (not sure why that would have ruined the day though).

PatientlyWaiting21 · 19/03/2023 16:43

That’s really shit!

This is my first proper Mother’s Day too and it’s been awful, minus the part it was just me and my babe having fun in the park for a few hrs.

I’ve received a card flowers and chocolate, they were plonked on the side, not actually given to me, not asked our daughter to carry the card to me.

no breakfast in bed, no long lie, nothing. I’ve cooked, cleaned, just another day in domesticated bliss.

We fell out yesterday, I’ve had enough, I want out.

Dishwashersaurous · 19/03/2023 16:43

You could equally say , why do seemingly intelligent women continue to have children with useless men.

One baby perhaps an error of judgement.

But more than one with a useless man, doesn't make any sense

Truestorypeeps · 19/03/2023 16:47

Bought a card for my wife which our six year old wrote in. I cook dinner every day as I like to cook and it's a break from the children!! So I'll cook again this evening. Picked out some photos from the last year of her and the kids and made a photo book, unfortunately it didn't make it in time but should arrive tomorrow (doh!). So, pretty average? She seems happy enough anyway. I'll ask her if there's anything she'd like to do this evening, maybe go and have an hour to herself! :-) ten years married this year, hopefully we won't ever fall out over some commercialised day as I do more than my fair share every day of the year, we're a team.

DaughterOfGaia · 19/03/2023 17:01

Because there is a huge difference between book smart and emotional intelligence. If he has any book smarts he definitely doesn't have any emotional smarts.

Maireas · 19/03/2023 17:10

Dishwashersaurous · 19/03/2023 16:43

You could equally say , why do seemingly intelligent women continue to have children with useless men.

One baby perhaps an error of judgement.

But more than one with a useless man, doesn't make any sense

Yet time and time again we see on here that women have two or more children with these men. Why such a low bar?. Why are so many men like this?

PrincessofWellies · 19/03/2023 17:11

My husband did this on my birthday once. He never forgot again. You're letting him get away with it. Just pull a strop and say no to everything, not until he's learned some manners 😂

Maireas · 19/03/2023 17:14

Truestorypeeps · 19/03/2023 16:47

Bought a card for my wife which our six year old wrote in. I cook dinner every day as I like to cook and it's a break from the children!! So I'll cook again this evening. Picked out some photos from the last year of her and the kids and made a photo book, unfortunately it didn't make it in time but should arrive tomorrow (doh!). So, pretty average? She seems happy enough anyway. I'll ask her if there's anything she'd like to do this evening, maybe go and have an hour to herself! :-) ten years married this year, hopefully we won't ever fall out over some commercialised day as I do more than my fair share every day of the year, we're a team.

Now then. A little bit of planning would have ensured the photo book arrived on time. Does that seem picky? I just think attention to detail and small things show that you care. I'm sure you do, but it's just that bit sweeter when the effort is there..

NatashaDancing · 19/03/2023 17:24

Your problem isn't Mother's Day, which is a load of nonsense anyway. Your problem is an unequal partnership and failure to allocate tasks and responsibilities fairly year round.

My husband has never done Mother's Day and I've never done Father's Day so the idea of one special day has never come up, but on the other hand I've never once had to complain he didn't do his fair share or wasn't considerate.

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 19/03/2023 17:26

Nothing to do with intelligence, but everything to do with care, consideration, empathy, and understanding. How does he treat his own mother?

CandidaAlbicans2 · 19/03/2023 17:28

BellePeppa · 19/03/2023 16:41

I’d have said, Oi that’s mine, you can have your choice on Father's Day! Sometimes you have to be assertive rather than meek and not worry about ruining the day (not sure why that would have ruined the day though).

Exactly!
It's a little concerning that you think that being assertive would cause the day to be "ruined" @Ishefuckingkiddingme. Does your DH have form for making your life difficult if you say what you want or if you say you're upset with him?

Tribblesarelovely · 19/03/2023 17:32

I’ll never understand why women put up with these horrible men.

Twattergy · 19/03/2023 17:33

@NatashaDancing has written exactly what I was about to! If your day to day with your partner is fairly fair and equitable when it comes to parenting/chores etc then the stakes are much lower for Mothers Day. I got a card made by DS and the a lie in and tea and breakfast in bed. I cooked lunch for us and guests. DH did all the clearing up as he normally would, that wasnt a mothers day 'treat'.. I don't expect to not have to or do less than usual parenting/cooking etc on mothers day, because I don't need a break any more than my DH does. Basically a good mothers day is made year-round. If Mothers day is the one day of the year when you hope to have a nice day, that's a bad sign.

SerafinasGoose · 19/03/2023 17:41

A lot of these Mothering Sunday threads are not really about this day at all. They're about simmering, underlying problems with the relationship itself.

We don't really bother about the 'Hallmark' days: a handmade card from the DC is all I want and DH and I ditched Valentine's Day some years back. But this was different - it was by mutual agreement as we don't need a one-off occasion to know how we feel about each other. We do make a bigger deal of birthdays and our wedding anniversary, though, as those are days which have specific meaning to us.

I'm sorry to all Mums out there who feel let down and disappointed, especially if your partners know what this means to you and simply can't be bothered. It must be a slap in the face.

It's always been a bittersweet day for me since losing my wonderful mum, despite the fact that I'm now also a mother and my DC was born on Mothering Sunday. Flowers to all mums whose efforts should be appreciated, or who need a morale booster today.

Appleass · 19/03/2023 17:41

What has being a self centred selfish prick have anything to do with being intelligent??

Thesharkradar · 19/03/2023 17:42

Tribblesarelovely · 19/03/2023 17:32

I’ll never understand why women put up with these horrible men.

I think often it's a case of, cant believe he's really like he appears to be, cant believe anyone could be that unkind, and often a kind of numbness from past abuse, like you dont consciously react because some part of you has switched off as a form of self protection.
Predatory men are attracted to women who are naive/vulnerable/dysfunctional...ie women who they sense and/or know wont be able to see through them.
That, I think, is why.

DappledThings · 19/03/2023 17:45

If your day to day with your partner is fairly fair and equitable when it comes to parenting/chores etc then the stakes are much lower for Mothers Day.
Totally. I got cards made at school and a lie-in but we always share weekend lie-ins. I did get breakfast in bed this morning as well but anything like not having to cook dinner or do bedtime or supervise homework we split anyway so it would be weird to make this a one day of the year treat.

Even if some of these useless men had pulled out all the stops today and had special cards and presents and carefully curated days with expensive lunches it wouldn't absolve them of their uselessness 364 other days. But from a lot of comments on here it seems some women would think it does, that if enough effort is made today they can keep taking only 5% of responsibility for the family the rest of the year.

Tiddler39 · 19/03/2023 17:55

I saw this in a (family-friendly) restaurant the other night.

Mum, Dad and 1ish-year-old baby. Mum was running around everywhere to entertain the baby, who was just walking so was quite hard work.

Dad sat on his arse eating his meal, then got his phone out, then was people-watching happily out of the window. Mum was by this time halfway down the other end of the restaurant walking the baby around.

He literally didn’t lift a finger.

I’m divorced and although it’s incredibly hard on my own, at least there’s no one to resent.