How would you feel about family members eloping?

[Elopenope]

Me and DP are considering marrying quietly, just us two.

Initially when we started speaking about it, it was clear our parents thought we would invite them still (I think had just assumed it was a destination wedding?)

We are now beginning to firm up plans and it seems like our gently introducing the idea isn't going well.

On top of that a minor celeb (ish) eloped recently and I saw a lot of comments about how people would be devastated if their sister etc did that, how they clearly aren't close with the families and how hurtful it is.


In all honesty would you be hurt if your ds, dd etc did this? If your dc didn't get to be bridesmaids etc.

We get on well with our families, I'm just by nature an introverted person with not much interest in a party. I'd hate for them to think it was anything to do with them

Im also neurodiverse so can struggle with this stuff. In my head it's quite clearly a thing between a couple, but realise that's not how it works.

I've got no idea if I should then invite them to dress fittings etc or just do the whole thing alone. Which is worse? Is it better to be really clear that on September 12th we will be marrying (and leave them feeling odd that day) or just say after

I'm mostly interested in families points of views. Lots of friends that have eloped have told us it was fine, but when speaking to others they've been hurt

Yabu- I would be hurt if my family did this

Yanbu- I wouldn't mind if my sister eloped

[YfenniChristie]

I don't think there's anything wrong in eloping, but be aware that some may be hurt (but not mention it outwardly).

My DSis eloped and had 2 friends as witnesses. It didn't bother me - I was more surprised they managed it and irked that her reasoning was our parents had had their big family weddings (both my wedding and my Dbro's had had ten guests, so not exactly huge and one was COVID wedding where everyone attended the ceremony and then had to go home 🤨). DM was fine about it but DF was deeply hurt - he hasnt expressed this to her however, only privately to other family members.

[Lordofthebutterfloofs]

@Blondeshavemorefun

Closest friends - any family ? Parents etx attend

Nope

[freetheunicorn1]

I would be silently disappointed but a wedding is about the bride and groom and they should do what they want.

[bingoitsadingo]

I’d be sad. I was sad when my close friends eloped, I’d be gutted if it was a sibling or child.

i wouldn’t guilt trip you over it or anything, I’d be happy for you that you had the day you wanted… but I would be sad to not be part of it.

[Lordofthebutterfloofs]

@LookingOldTheseDays

What's the purpose of telling close relatives that you are "eloping" (i.e. telling them, "we plan to marry but you aren't invited"). Are you still expecting gifts? Are you expecting them to get excited about planning it with you, choosing a dress etc.?

Either just get married on the quiet with no announcement and no fuss (which is what eloping actually means), or invite people to a proper small wedding. This halfway house of announcing an elopement just smacks of attention seeking.

No, that would make you a CF.

I told my parents because I wanted them to know. I felt it was wrong to not tell them their daughter was getting married.

They were both fine with not attending. It's not like I had a massive wedding and invited everyone but them is it?

[AlltheFs]

@Lesvacances

Those of you saying family got over it - no they didn't.
They accepted it because they had no choice and wanted a good relationship with you.

My db eloped and my dm was really hurt.

My dd had a 15 person wedding because of covid, it was the second date after the first got cancelled and she understandably wanted to go ahead.
We couldn't eat or drink and had to wear masks.
It wasn't what I imagined for my only dd.
My original outfit hangs in the wardrobe unworn because it was bought for a different season.
I still feel incredibly cheated but obviously I don't voice this.
However if dd had chosen to exclude us and eloped I would have struggled to understand the selfishness of it all.
As someone said earlier just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

Unless you dislike your parents why would you do this?

I’m sorry but you have batshit MIL written all
over you. God help your childrens partners. Will you be insisting on being at the births of your grandchildren too and having overnights of newborns too?!

[tirednewmumm]

@Greensleevevssnotnose

I would be exstatic weddings are so boring

Surely this depends on the relation though, distant cousin is one think but your own child's wedding?! Surely not

[TedMullins]

@Fairyliz

I have two adult DD’s and would be really upset if they didn’t want me at their wedding, I would feel like I had failed them in some way and been a bad mother.

As other posters have said you don’t have to have a huge wedding, you can have a small ceremony with just a few guests followed by a meal in a pub if you want something low key.

But that still isn’t what some people want. Having a small ceremony and a meal in the pub is still marking the occasion in a way not everyone wants to do. How about just being happy for your DDs doing things the way they want? I’ll never understand this attitude that adult kids owe their parents a wedding.

[SuperSange]

We eloped, properly. We called our parents after the ceremony to let them know. Our families live miles apart, mine cooks t travel, I had 20 years worth of Freind's and I couldn't ask them all to travel several hundred miles for our wedding. The logistics got too much for us to sort, so we buggered off and got married. If we'd told my PIL, I'd have had a similar performance to the one my SIL got at her wedding a couple of years later; PIL inviting guests that the couple didn't know, hissy fits over dresses, the works. She wasn't paying, so she didn't get an opinion.

[TedMullins]

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime

But it's not "one of the most important days of your life" to lots of people.

I wanted a marriage not a wedding. The day itself was a formality I did to get married.

Absolutely agree. I’m not married and it’s my preference not to be but my partner and I want to move abroad and if/when we do, we’ll have to get married for visa/passport reasons. I despise weddings and think the whole dress/bridesmaids/speeches nonsense is tacky rubbish. The history of marriage is rooted in ownership of women and is not an institution I want to be part of.

So if we do do it, it’ll be a functional administrative thing with a prenup and absolutely not one of the most important days of my life. It’ll be more like a necessary evil. No one will be invited because I don’t want to mark the occasion. If they don’t like that…stay mad I guess (although my parents really wouldn’t give a fuck as they’re not wedding people either)

[Fairyliz]

@TedMullins

But that still isn’t what some people want. Having a small ceremony and a meal in the pub is still marking the occasion in a way not everyone wants to do. How about just being happy for your DDs doing things the way they want? I’ll never understand this attitude that adult kids owe their parents a wedding.

I don’t think my kids ‘owe’ me a wedding I would just like to think they love me so much that they would want me to be there to share one of the happiest day of their lives.
@TedMullins would you really just shrug your shoulders if your kids say ‘no we don’t want Ted to come’?

[legalseagull]

I think it's selfish. If your parents are there for you through the bad times, they should also be able to witness and celebrate the good. I can't imagine not wanting my mum, sibling and children at my wedding. It doesn't need to be a big wedding. Even just a registry office with my mum and sibling would be lovely.

[TedMullins]

@Fairyliz

I don’t think my kids ‘owe’ me a wedding I would just like to think they love me so much that they would want me to be there to share one of the happiest day of their lives.
@TedMullins would you really just shrug your shoulders if your kids say ‘no we don’t want Ted to come’?

Yes. But then I don’t think weddings are the pinnacle of achievement or necessarily the happiest day of someone’s life. I think traditional weddings are a load of patriarchal wank.

[Changingplace]

@LookingOldTheseDays

What's the purpose of telling close relatives that you are "eloping" (i.e. telling them, "we plan to marry but you aren't invited"). Are you still expecting gifts? Are you expecting them to get excited about planning it with you, choosing a dress etc.?

Either just get married on the quiet with no announcement and no fuss (which is what eloping actually means), or invite people to a proper small wedding. This halfway house of announcing an elopement just smacks of attention seeking.

Totally agree, the minute you tell people you’re not eloping at all, you’re just having a v small wedding.

Eloping is just going off, getting married and telling people after the wedding.

[Changingplace]

@legalseagull

I think it's selfish. If your parents are there for you through the bad times, they should also be able to witness and celebrate the good. I can't imagine not wanting my mum, sibling and children at my wedding. It doesn't need to be a big wedding. Even just a registry office with my mum and sibling would be lovely.

Expecting a wedding to be about anyone other than the couple getting married is selfish.

[CeriB82]

We eloped. Proper eloped and not said anything to anyone.

i didnt care who i upset. Our wedding, not my guests

[Lesvacances]

@AlltheFs

I’m sorry but you have batshit MIL written all
over you. God help your childrens partners. Will you be insisting on being at the births of your grandchildren too and having overnights of newborns too?!

Sorry to disappoint but my dil adores me because I don’t interfere.
Theres a huge difference between thinking something and saying it out loud.

Dd’s wedding wasn’t what I wanted but she doesn’t know that because I keep it to myself. And it wasn’t her fault anyway.

I still think eloping is selfish unless you have awful parents.
And most pp’s have said they would be disappointed if their dc eloped.
Not saying you have to have a big flashy wedding, just invite your parents. It means a lot to them.

[misskatamari]

We did it and our families were fine with it. We had a reception back home, which was all the fun bits of the wedding, but we got married abroad, just the two of us, and I’m so glad we did. It was great, we steamed it live so family could watch it if they wanted, but it was so stressfree and we could just enjoy it. I haven’t rtft, but my view is it’s your wedding, you should do what makes you happy and whilst family might not like it, they should want you to do what feels best for yourself ultimately, and should support you

[Bananalanacake]

I refused to waste thousands on pointless faff just to impress people I don't see much cos it's the 'done thing'. Instead we did the registry office, grabbed a takeaway on the way home. Spent 55 grand paying off the mortgage just before the interest rates went up.

[Templebreedy]

@Lesvacances

Sorry to disappoint but my dil adores me because I don’t interfere.
Theres a huge difference between thinking something and saying it out loud.

Dd’s wedding wasn’t what I wanted but she doesn’t know that because I keep it to myself. And it wasn’t her fault anyway.

I still think eloping is selfish unless you have awful parents.
And most pp’s have said they would be disappointed if their dc eloped.
Not saying you have to have a big flashy wedding, just invite your parents. It means a lot to them.

It means a lot to you.

[SallyWD]

@Lesvacances

Sorry to disappoint but my dil adores me because I don’t interfere.
Theres a huge difference between thinking something and saying it out loud.

Dd’s wedding wasn’t what I wanted but she doesn’t know that because I keep it to myself. And it wasn’t her fault anyway.

I still think eloping is selfish unless you have awful parents.
And most pp’s have said they would be disappointed if their dc eloped.
Not saying you have to have a big flashy wedding, just invite your parents. It means a lot to them.

Speak for yourself. My parents have never had any interest in weddings. They were happy we got married with only witnesses. They did exactly the same thing themselves 40 years earlier!

[bubblec]

I actually eloped but that wasn't a first choice, and my family made it difficult to attend anywhere.

If It was completely my way, I would want me family there because eloping is beautiful but having the people closest to you, adds that even more beautiful touch.

Also, if my children eloped in future with their partners, I wouldn't ruin it for them but inside I would be quite sad because I would want to see my child on their most special day.

[Hollyhocksandlarkspur]

I would be very very sad if my DDs eloped and we weren’t invited to their marriage ceremony. Disagree with PP who say it is purely about the bride and groom because in loving families it is welcoming someone in to being part of their family in good times and bad and making a commitment to supporting them as a couple. Definitely don’t think it’s about being mother of the bride, big party etc just to be there on the day that’s marking the start of their married life and commitment together and be happy together making very precious memories.

[Changingplace]

@SallyWD

Speak for yourself. My parents have never had any interest in weddings. They were happy we got married with only witnesses. They did exactly the same thing themselves 40 years earlier!

Same, my parents always joked they’d pay for my wedding to be exactly like theirs, registary office booked for next available slot, two witnesses and a pub lunch - they didn’t even take any photos!

Not everyone is obsessed with the concept of a wedding, a lot of people are more interested in it being a happy marriage.

[Templebreedy]

@Hollyhocksandlarkspur

I would be very very sad if my DDs eloped and we weren’t invited to their marriage ceremony. Disagree with PP who say it is purely about the bride and groom because in loving families it is welcoming someone in to being part of their family in good times and bad and making a commitment to supporting them as a couple. Definitely don’t think it’s about being mother of the bride, big party etc just to be there on the day that’s marking the start of their married life and commitment together and be happy together making very precious memories.

Again, this is your personal interpretation. The people getting married are allowed to think entirely different things about their own circumstances and marriage. I didn’t join DH’s family, though I’m fond of them, nor he mine. I’d been committed to him and he to me for years before we married, and don’t need anyone’s ‘help’ with that. And the day had nothing to do with making ‘precious memories’, it was for us a legal rubberstamping, not some big deal. Our relationship is important, sure, but the actual wedding, no. You may not agree, but you get to decide on your own personal marriage/s, not your children’s.