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AIBU?

How would you feel about family members eloping?

262 replies

Elopenope · 19/03/2023 11:29

Me and DP are considering marrying quietly, just us two.

Initially when we started speaking about it, it was clear our parents thought we would invite them still (I think had just assumed it was a destination wedding?)

We are now beginning to firm up plans and it seems like our gently introducing the idea isn't going well.

On top of that a minor celeb (ish) eloped recently and I saw a lot of comments about how people would be devastated if their sister etc did that, how they clearly aren't close with the families and how hurtful it is.


In all honesty would you be hurt if your ds, dd etc did this? If your dc didn't get to be bridesmaids etc.

We get on well with our families, I'm just by nature an introverted person with not much interest in a party. I'd hate for them to think it was anything to do with them

Im also neurodiverse so can struggle with this stuff. In my head it's quite clearly a thing between a couple, but realise that's not how it works.

I've got no idea if I should then invite them to dress fittings etc or just do the whole thing alone. Which is worse? Is it better to be really clear that on September 12th we will be marrying (and leave them feeling odd that day) or just say after

I'm mostly interested in families points of views. Lots of friends that have eloped have told us it was fine, but when speaking to others they've been hurt

Yabu- I would be hurt if my family did this

Yanbu- I wouldn't mind if my sister eloped

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Rainydayparade · 19/03/2023 16:11

We eloped somewhere tropical as I just wanted to relax and enjoy with no fuss. We had a small casual party when we got back. No negative reactions from family, I also chose my dress on my own but invited my mum and sister to the fitting and we all had a champagne lunch after. Do what you want!

bizzywiththefizzy · 19/03/2023 16:13

I would be devastated not to see my children be married, anyone else not so much . Maybe invite your parents .

thegirlyupnorth · 19/03/2023 16:17

If you'd asked me before my son and daughter in law did this I'd have said I'd be upset. But they went to New York and came back married, just the two of them. I was thrilled, it was their day, about them and that's the important thing.

MRex · 19/03/2023 16:23

MIL isn't over missing BIL wedding 15 years ago; no bad feelings but for some reason they rushed into it abroad and PIL couldn't make it there on time. I know she isn't over it, because she told me it made her sad about the second time she met me, and multiple times since. Clearly trying to make sure it wouldn't happen again! If you like all your parents, then a registry office with just them and lunch after would still be very low-key, yet let them enjoy the experience with you.

bubbles2023 · 19/03/2023 16:30

I'd be hurt if my dd did this, but would assume they chose it for a reason. Anybody else I wouldn't be that bothered- but I'm all wedding'd out! They get boring after attending about 20.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 19/03/2023 16:32

One less wedding to go!
I’d say that’s a win-win.
Anyone who would be upset would be total weirdo, why would anyone care?

Goatcurry · 19/03/2023 16:35

If it was one of my children I would be heartbroken, anyone else i would be thankful i didn't have to go to the wedding.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 19/03/2023 16:35

It wouldn’t bother me at all, I think people should get married however they want to.

probably easier to elope and then tell them afterwards though!

trevthecat · 19/03/2023 16:36

We eloped. We live in England but got married in Scotland. Not Gretna though. We had the most amazing day. Was just about us. We told immediate family before. Everyone bar my mum was fine about it. We had a family do when we got back which made her less annoyed! Go for it. I would recommend it to everyone!

Jadviga · 19/03/2023 16:38

I guess I'd be disappointed that my brother or my son didn't invite me - we're a pretty small family so inviting siblings/parents wouldn't turn this into a big wedding. If my brother and his partner invited all siblings/parents/nieces and nephews that would be six people on my brother's side and five on my SIL's side.

But I'd accept they had the wedding they wanted and tell them I hoped they had a lovely time. And then I'd ask if we can schedule a family dinner so we can still have a small celebration.

I think this also depends greatly on the relationship with your family.

Ragwort · 19/03/2023 16:39

I wouldn't mind at all, I have an only child and would honestly be relieved if he eloped. I loathe weddings (big or small) and would actually be disappointed if he chose to spend money on 'one day' (although I would try not to show it). I would hate to be 'mother of the groom'.
My DH and I had a very small wedding - we did invite parents but not siblings ... no one said anything or acted disappointed.
One of my friends is going through a nightmare of drama and expense over her adult child's wedding ... she also wishes the couple would elope.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 19/03/2023 16:41

Me and DH did it, went to Vegas 16 years ago. No one had a full on snit, think MIL would have liked to be there but she was gracious and accepting when we told her and she got over any minor upset about it.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 19/03/2023 16:43

LauraIAm · 19/03/2023 11:42

One of my siblings did this. Good relationship with my parents, no big backstory. We were all outwardly supportive but my mum was heartbroken. Dress fittings, bridesmaids etc don’t matter at all. Not inviting siblings is mean but personally I could live with it. Not inviting parents assuming normal circumstances I think is pretty much unforgivable. It’s one of the most important days of your life and a day most parents think about during their child’s childhood etc and would desperately want to be a part of.

But it's not "one of the most important days of your life" to lots of people.

I wanted a marriage not a wedding. The day itself was a formality I did to get married.

Untitledsquatboulder · 19/03/2023 16:46

Yes I'd be really hurt.
My mum did this - her parents were really hurt.
My dsis did this - her mother was gutted.

If you are going to do it I'd advise you to tell them not just arrive back, announce it and expect everyone to be happy.

AlltheFs · 19/03/2023 16:49

We did it and it caused some upset but they all got over it. We have a good relationship, no issues but we just didn’t want the fuss of a normal wedding.
No regrets here, I hate weddings so think it’s a load of unnecessary nonsense. We had a nice day on our own.

If I had my time over I’d just not tell them until afterwards. But I wouldn’t change the day.

Ragwort · 19/03/2023 16:50

I think 'heartbroken' is a massive over reaction... it's one very expensive day and I agree, it's just a formality... what's important is the marriage.
Over half of all the weddings I have attended (including my first Grin) have ended in divorce so 'wedding days' mean very little to me ... I can't get excited about them.

Templebreedy · 19/03/2023 16:51

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 19/03/2023 16:43

But it's not "one of the most important days of your life" to lots of people.

I wanted a marriage not a wedding. The day itself was a formality I did to get married.

Yes, exactly. For me it was a formality I wanted done quietly with no fuss, any more than I wanted a big party when I signed my first mortgage. The individuals getting married get to decide whether or not it’s an important occasion, surely. What DS does when or if he marries is up to him. There’ll be no ‘shoulds’ or pressure from us.

BadlydoneHelen · 19/03/2023 16:54

I would be incredibly upset if my children did this but would try not to show it. I think for me it would be the idea that they didn't want me to be involved and that they didn't particularly feel the need to have me there.

BadlydoneHelen · 19/03/2023 16:56

To be clear it's not the dress fittings/ table plans/ flowers/big build up I'd be disappointed to miss out on- I'm not that bothered about all that stuff. I'm not hoping for a big wedding extravaganza, just that they'd want me there when they made their vows and had a drink or meal together afterwards.

Templebreedy · 19/03/2023 17:00

BadlydoneHelen · 19/03/2023 16:54

I would be incredibly upset if my children did this but would try not to show it. I think for me it would be the idea that they didn't want me to be involved and that they didn't particularly feel the need to have me there.

Would you expect them to invite you to the signing of their wills or getting mortgage approval? Because for a significant minority of us, the actual wedding ‘ceremony’ is that kind of thing. The relationship is important and long-established, the legal agreement isn’t, particularly — more a matter of a signature on a contract. You may obviously feel differently, but you’re not the one getting married.

FleetIlya · 19/03/2023 17:01

CantAskAnyoneElse · 19/03/2023 16:32

One less wedding to go!
I’d say that’s a win-win.
Anyone who would be upset would be total weirdo, why would anyone care?

People are entitled to feel upset! It's the people who make their feelings the centre of the situation and make those feelings other people's problems who are the weirdos - like a lot of the stories on here about parents who threw fits and went on about "feeling left out" for years. That's weird!

I wonder what other aspect of their childrens' private lives they feel entitled to be spectators at

LouLou198 · 19/03/2023 17:02

One of my oldest friends did this several years ago. We had grown up together, she was my bridesmaid. Probably very selfish but It still makes me sad I didn't get to see her get married.

Autienotnautie · 19/03/2023 17:10

I wouldn't be hurt of my dd did this. I think I'd prefer to be told in advance but I think it would be easier for you if you don't say anything and just go.

Templebreedy · 19/03/2023 17:11

LouLou198 · 19/03/2023 17:02

One of my oldest friends did this several years ago. We had grown up together, she was my bridesmaid. Probably very selfish but It still makes me sad I didn't get to see her get married.

But you didn’t make your feelings her problem, did you? You accepted she had made a different choice to you.

LlynTegid · 19/03/2023 17:12

I've admired those who have had small weddings, so I would be being a hypocrite to criticise one of my family if that was their choice.

I'd only be concerned if I thought the marriage itself was a mistake (say the kind where someone is marrying I think for a passport or visa).

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