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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut DHs night out short and ask him to come home?

244 replies

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:05

So DH went out tonight. He is only at the pub a few streets away, seeing a live band
He goes out maybe once or twice a week. In the days since then our 9 month old DS has been diagnosed with a chest infection and given antibiotics. He is better now than he was but still coughing a lot and very unsettled at night.

DH went out at 6 tonight. When he left both kids were happily having dinner (we also have a 4 year old) and baby went to sleep fine at 7, but at around 8 he woke up coughing and crying and since then has cried every time he's put down. Or he'll stay asleep but then start coughing and wake himself up. I'm currently sat on the sofa holding him upright as he sleeps as that's the only position he'll stay asleep in. I haven't had a chance to properly tidy/clean up after dinner (I should say DH normally does this as I do all of the cooking), have a shower, or even consider going to bed myself yet. I suppose some might say just put DS in his cot and get on with it but as he's unsettled because he's poorly I feel that's a little cruel. I am already pretty exhausted as DS was very unsettled last night too and I dealt with 90% of the wakings, as I normally do (DS is breastfed and DH sleeps in a separate room as he snores terribly, so baby is in with me). I asked DH when he'd be home and he said 'probably midnight/1am'. I DO NOT want to be staying up that late.

AIBU to ask him to come home a little earlier, just to help out? I should say he doesn't drink so no worries about him looking after DS whilst drunk. He would come home if asked but part of me feels bad as he's been wanting to see this band for weeks. But on the other hand I'm exhausted, on my own with a 4 year old (albeit she's asleep) and a poorly baby and need to get some sleep? Sometimes I feel like I get overwhelmed too easily and just need to suck it up.

OP posts:
Vanderlayinfustries · 19/03/2023 00:26

I'd let him stay out but leave the cleaning up for him and explain why you couldn't do it

Aria999 · 19/03/2023 00:28

@TheGumptionTheGall

Sorry you are having a hard time. I do not think it is unreasonable to consider asking DH to return. I might or might not in your situation depending on a number of factors. (DH would 100% offer to come back if inyokd him, too). I don't think it makes you a bad parent to want some support.

Do you think you might need to go to a&e with DC? (Could it be croup for example?)

Aria999 · 19/03/2023 00:28

And yes leave the cleanup till morning we always do anyway

Vanderlayinfustries · 19/03/2023 00:28

Ps I'd ask him to take over caring duties as soon as he's home too so you can rest
I hope you and little one are ok

margatino · 19/03/2023 00:29

Also, silly suggestion probably, but would maybe putting his bouncer or car seat in his crib or next to you in bed help at all? Maybe a tshirt or something with your smell on top and sit him in it and pat his belly. Sometimes when my son won't sleep, I find that putting him in his carseat (travel system) and rocking him helps a lot.

Sosadsolangafter · 19/03/2023 00:29

TheGumptionTheGall · 19/03/2023 00:16

@Onnabugeisha completely incorrect. Also do not accuse me of using my DC as a pawn whilst simultaneously criticising my marriage. You may pull something reaching so far. Utter idiocy.

Best in mind this is the poster properly laying on emotional guilt to a mum or a toddler with cancer, about him taking medication in another thread. It was quite shocking.

The idea that you shouldn't disturb a man's twice weekly social, and should instead put baby in a sling at half 11 at night, and do the washing up, on virtually no sleep from the night before, is awful.

It's meant to be an equal parenting partnership.

You also shouldn't have to take equal shifts with your partner tonight, we you did all last night. Save for feeding, it should all be on him tonight.

Mine wouldn't have gone out with a poorly baby around, or after you got so little sleep the night before. He certainly didn't go out once or twice a week when they were that age. That's really not stepping up.

You shouldn't have to make do with virtually no sleep tonight, and just a lie in tomorrow using mother's Day as an excuse, as someone suggested. What a low bar some women set for men 😢

BloomForever · 19/03/2023 00:29

Just well wishes from me. Of course you're not a sub-par parent. It's horrible when your little ones are poorly, sometimes you just need another adult with you.

MysteryBelle · 19/03/2023 00:40

I don’t understand why you don’t go ahead and go to bed with the baby? You keep repeatedly that you can’t put baby down on his own because he won’t settle, well no he’s sick, so lie down with him as usual, go to bed too. Lie back on pillows so that baby is still mostly upright.

You’re exhausted. You want a shower and to simply lie down and sleep with baby safe and sound. I’ve been there too.

I’m on your side, but you said he’s been looking forward to seeing this particular band and he asked you if it’s ok if he went and he doesn’t drink and he’ll be home soon. So no, I don’t think you should call him home.

Now going forward, he needs to be home after work to take over, help out etc. Why does he have to go out twice a week? I’d put the kibosh on that. Every once in a while for a special occasion like the band tonight he really wanted to see. But no, he’s married now with a family. You come first, he needs to get his behind home to be a parent. You’re the one going 24 hours a day yet he’s the one who gets two nights every single week to go out as if he’s single, as if it’s only right and just for you to do everything. He does the dishes after dinner. Good but whoopty do. He needs to step up.

MysteryBelle · 19/03/2023 00:43

Oh my, I just reread my first paragraph. Did not mean to sound like that, op, apologies! Am on your side 100%

Gymnopedie · 19/03/2023 00:46

For goodness sake message him. The last thing you need is for his 12.30/1.00 to turn into 2.00/3.00 because he thinks there's no problem and it's fine for him to be out a bit longer.

GayforMoleman · 19/03/2023 00:50

@Sortinshit23
"Tomorrow's mother's day, so you get the day off anyway"

That is actually fucking hilarious. Heads up everyone, this is a worldwide proclamation, we all get the day off tomorrow Hmm

Who put 50p in the dickhead?

M103 · 19/03/2023 00:53

I would have asked my husband to come back in your case. I don't understand why some posters are giving you such a hard time.
When mine was at that age and in a similar situation we put them in the pram to sleep (the 6+ pram that keeps them upright). It had helped sometimes, but I am not sure whether there are any issues from a safety perspective. Some drops of olbas oil in a pot of warm water also helped a bit (must not be digested though). But I would do all this sfter calling the husband back from the pub!
Lack of sleep is awful. Hope you manage to get some sleep and your little one gets better soon Flowers

Sometimeswinning · 19/03/2023 00:56

Feel your pain! I've been there and it's gruelling. Not many parents wouldn't empathise with you (there are a few on mumsnet tonight who think you should suffer but you need to ignore them) Hope lo feels better and you get some sleep!

weirdoboelady · 19/03/2023 01:10

Can I just say if I was your DH I would be really annoyed.....

that you were trying to cope alone and hadn't told me properly that baby was fractious, coughing and being a (sweet little) PITA and that you could do with some support. I hope I would appreciate that you are someone who usually lets me go out once or twice a week with no complaints, and I hope I would be decent enough to have encouraged you to contact me if there is an unusual problem or you need some help.

Inyournewdress · 19/03/2023 01:16

I imagine he’s back now but I would have asked him to return as it isn’t safe to sit holding your ds for hours when you are so sleep deprived. If you were to fall asleep it could be extremely dangerous.

Inyournewdress · 19/03/2023 01:18

Also I don’t think he should be going out once or twice a week if you do all night wakings. Instead he could take charge in the evening to allow you to get a bit of sleep on board.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/03/2023 01:36

Who put 50p in the dickhead?

Unashamedly stealing this!!

Thepossibility · 19/03/2023 01:37

@Onnabugeisha do you know OP in real life or something? You seem very intent to kick an exhausted mother while she is down, for seemingly no reason.
OP I think that your DH should have cut his night short at the very least because you are very exhausted and everyone getting some rest is actually more important than a (very regular) night out.

Adrelaxzz · 19/03/2023 01:55

In this situation in our house I would have sucked it up tonight but expected a lie in and hungover DH to get his arse out of bed at 6am or whenever they wake up (same Visa versa as I am the one most likely out)

VictorStrand · 19/03/2023 01:59

Lots of posters told OP to call him if she needed the help. Instead she preferred to post increasingly insulting and sexist posts attacking MNers. But that's fairly common for threads started on here on a Friday night.

margatino · 19/03/2023 02:08

VictorStrand · 19/03/2023 01:59

Lots of posters told OP to call him if she needed the help. Instead she preferred to post increasingly insulting and sexist posts attacking MNers. But that's fairly common for threads started on here on a Friday night.

I had to double-check the calendar!

Saturday night

WandaWonder · 19/03/2023 02:15

If I was on a night out after checking it was OK I would not expect be called home for this

So no I wouldn't do that for dh

Of course an actual serious/emergency to me is different for either of us

704703hey · 19/03/2023 02:23

@Adrelaxzz her husband doesn't drink, so no, he's not hungover. The gig is long over and hopefully OP is fast asleep though. She is very sleep deprived from the outset.

Anyway I hope this is all resolved, some of the responses weren't nice tonight.

leafygarden · 19/03/2023 05:18

NadjaCravensworth1 · 18/03/2023 23:16

I think this is a perfect illustration of the vastly different relationships out there. My husband is far from perfect but if our baby girl had a chest infection he'd never leave to go to the pub, or if he did he'd tell me to call him if I needed him 100%. Don't get me wrong in other ways he drives me crazy but I wouldn't hesitate to call. You shouldn't be the default parent having to take care of everything, and if you need his help then you shouldn't feel guilty, they are his children exactly the same as yours. The ppl saying 'suck it up'...I just don't get it.

THIS in spades.

He goes out twice a week anyway??

How often is the OP going out ? You can surely bet it won't be nearly as much. OP YANBU - hope you get some rest today.

Marchitectmummy · 19/03/2023 05:37

Goodness he sounds selfish, I would leave him tonight but ask him to cover tomorrow night.