To cut DHs night out short and ask him to come home?

[TheGumptionTheGall]

So DH went out tonight. He is only at the pub a few streets away, seeing a live band
He goes out maybe once or twice a week. In the days since then our 9 month old DS has been diagnosed with a chest infection and given antibiotics. He is better now than he was but still coughing a lot and very unsettled at night.

DH went out at 6 tonight. When he left both kids were happily having dinner (we also have a 4 year old) and baby went to sleep fine at 7, but at around 8 he woke up coughing and crying and since then has cried every time he's put down. Or he'll stay asleep but then start coughing and wake himself up. I'm currently sat on the sofa holding him upright as he sleeps as that's the only position he'll stay asleep in. I haven't had a chance to properly tidy/clean up after dinner (I should say DH normally does this as I do all of the cooking), have a shower, or even consider going to bed myself yet. I suppose some might say just put DS in his cot and get on with it but as he's unsettled because he's poorly I feel that's a little cruel. I am already pretty exhausted as DS was very unsettled last night too and I dealt with 90% of the wakings, as I normally do (DS is breastfed and DH sleeps in a separate room as he snores terribly, so baby is in with me). I asked DH when he'd be home and he said 'probably midnight/1am'. I DO NOT want to be staying up that late.

AIBU to ask him to come home a little earlier, just to help out? I should say he doesn't drink so no worries about him looking after DS whilst drunk. He would come home if asked but part of me feels bad as he's been wanting to see this band for weeks. But on the other hand I'm exhausted, on my own with a 4 year old (albeit she's asleep) and a poorly baby and need to get some sleep? Sometimes I feel like I get overwhelmed too easily and just need to suck it up.

Is he just coming home so one of you can clean up? That's unreasonable, just text him and tell him baby is sick and he will need to take over at some stage so you can sleep. He might choose to come home early if he knows he will be up during the night

@Anoisagusaris oh that's a fair point! Hadn't thought of that. Can tell I'm autistic and can't always tell context! Thanks for clarifying it :-)

Go to bed. You don't need to clean up or have a shower. You also don't need your husband to come home.

@Anoisagusaris every time I lay him down (be it my bed or cot) he either starts crying or starts coughing, which leads to him waking up and crying. So the real issue is I can't go to bed until DH gets home and I'm already exhausted after getting about 2 hours broken sleep last night.

Well its 11pm op posted ao what an hour or 2 max until he is back. So for some ppl its like ill suck it up its not long to go and be thinking I dont have to do dishes tonight. And ill text him and see if he can do more of the night stuff or give me longer in bed in the morning

🤷‍♀️

I say this as perso who always likes to leave my house tidy before bed, but when I'm ill and stuff gets left out its perfectly okay. I let it slide its temporary, a one off. Its not a big deal, I wont be dying wishing I had cleared my dishes away

Sorry I think I phrased the post poorly. The real issue is that I can't go to bed until DH does as DS will NOT be put down. Just now he coughed so much he vomited 😔

It's not about cleaning up. It's about holding baby who is I'll and won't go down.

So mag him them and let him know, when he left things seemed fine so he won't know your having trouble with the baby

Sorry until DH comes home, really not with it tonight.

When I find myself in a similar situation I often ask myself what my DH would do. And I know he’d never ask me to come home early unless it was totally unavoidable. I’m way more likely to feel a bit sorry for myself/overwhelmed and want to get him back home.

I guess it’s just different relationships and what the norm/expectation is. I wouldn’t ask him to come home just to do the dishes or shower though. One night won’t hurt and they can be his jobs tomorrow. I hope you’re DS is okay x

It depends if you resent him going out despite you saying yes, and even more for not coming home despite you not asking him too, or not.

This is what kills relationships.

I’d just carry on. Pop baby in a sling/baby wearing carrier so Im hands free, do the washing up and tidying. Then put baby in their cot while I shower (my showers are 2mins) and change into PJs. Then I’d go to bed- you said baby sleeps with you. There is no sense to sitting up exhausted on the sofa falling asleep now on the sofa with the baby is super dangerous.

It’s hardly a struggle. But then I had 4 DC and a mild chest infection is no big deal. You really don’t need two people to handle two DC when one is sleeping tucked up in bed!

Your child isn’t well, not sure why tidying up is the priority at 11pm? How much help will he be anyway after a few hours at the pub? Leave the mess til tomorrow, see if you can get a lie in and he can sort it in the morning while you take a shower. Seems pointless to get him home an hour early to tidy up :S just take yourself a LO up to bed

@Spectre8 I have told him DS is very unsettled but not explicitly asked him to come home.

Meh. I'd hate to have my husband looking after the baby calling me back home because he couldn't deal with it tbh and would probably sabotage his next night out in retaliation. If he doesn't go out often just leave it. It's one night

How will DH being home make a difference? Have you tried elevating the baby’s upper half while sleeping? They have inserts you put under them to do this. One of mine had silent reflux and the crying when laid down was my every day when I was trying to lie them down flat.

@Spiderboy it's not the tidying that's the priority! Op can't put the poorly child down because they're poorly and coughing and cry if they are put down.

@Spiderboy it's not that. It's that I cannot go to bed until DH comes home as DS will not go down. Sorry if that wasn't clear from my post.

YABU to want your DH to come home early from a night out because you haven't done the dishes or tidied up and want a shower.

If your DC was sick and needed actual care or potentially needing to be taken to hospital (as opposed to just wanting to be held) or you needed practical help eg if DC were throwing up but needing to be held and it would be easier to have one parent do the clear up and one parent soothing the child then I would say message him immediately and he should come home, but in this instance I wouldn't.

The dinner dishes won't combust if they get done in the morning, the world won't end if the house isn't tidied for one evening and you won't melt if you don't have a shower till tomorrow. As long as your DC is comfortable and sleeping I'd just put them down long enough to wash my face, brush my teeth and put on PJs before getting into bed and sending DH a message that he'd have to take over when he gets home and then just deal with the mess tomorrow when there are two of you available.

If my baby was ill I wouldn't want to go out to see a band. Even if their other parent was looking after them.

Poor thing, coughs in little ones are shit.

Has he had the full allowance of calpol/nurofen? Have you tried vicks on his feet? Random but sometimes works/makes you feel like you've done something.

It's nearly 12 now anyway, you could text explaining baby won't go down so could he make it nearer to 12 than 1, band will be finished by now anyway I'd have thought.

I hope baby is better soon!

She's said he goes out a couple of times a week. And to deliberately retaliate would be really childish in a marriage tbh. Couldn't imagine me sabotaging anything for my husband out of spite if he'd needed me.

I really feel for you OP. So many people aren't reading your posts and think you just want to clean the house!

So DS will go down if DH is home? I thought DS wouldn’t go down due to needing to not be flat on his back? Which is why you are holding him slightly upright & sleeping? How will DS go down if DH is home?

@Zonder tbh I didn't word it well. But yes the main issue is that I cannot go to bed until DH comes home.