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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut DHs night out short and ask him to come home?

244 replies

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:05

So DH went out tonight. He is only at the pub a few streets away, seeing a live band
He goes out maybe once or twice a week. In the days since then our 9 month old DS has been diagnosed with a chest infection and given antibiotics. He is better now than he was but still coughing a lot and very unsettled at night.

DH went out at 6 tonight. When he left both kids were happily having dinner (we also have a 4 year old) and baby went to sleep fine at 7, but at around 8 he woke up coughing and crying and since then has cried every time he's put down. Or he'll stay asleep but then start coughing and wake himself up. I'm currently sat on the sofa holding him upright as he sleeps as that's the only position he'll stay asleep in. I haven't had a chance to properly tidy/clean up after dinner (I should say DH normally does this as I do all of the cooking), have a shower, or even consider going to bed myself yet. I suppose some might say just put DS in his cot and get on with it but as he's unsettled because he's poorly I feel that's a little cruel. I am already pretty exhausted as DS was very unsettled last night too and I dealt with 90% of the wakings, as I normally do (DS is breastfed and DH sleeps in a separate room as he snores terribly, so baby is in with me). I asked DH when he'd be home and he said 'probably midnight/1am'. I DO NOT want to be staying up that late.

AIBU to ask him to come home a little earlier, just to help out? I should say he doesn't drink so no worries about him looking after DS whilst drunk. He would come home if asked but part of me feels bad as he's been wanting to see this band for weeks. But on the other hand I'm exhausted, on my own with a 4 year old (albeit she's asleep) and a poorly baby and need to get some sleep? Sometimes I feel like I get overwhelmed too easily and just need to suck it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:40

@SpareHeirOverThere nope, haven't been out since eldest was born but that's more my fault because I'm fairly anti social 😂

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 23:40

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:38

@Onnabugeisha I am exhausted too? And how will he be exhausted if he got a full night's sleep last night? And if he is exhausted because he chose to go out, well, surely that was his choice? I get the impression you think it's just my job to stay up with DC.

God no, I’ve been saying go to bed with DS. Try different things to help him sleep. There is no need to sit up exhausted with a baby over a mild chest infection. You’ve only tried putting him to bed by himself with none of the tips suggested.

Spectre8 · 18/03/2023 23:41

This is just a simple communication issue, its not about whether dh goes out or not or whether he should or not.

Simply text him situation is not good, you need sleep, you need him to look after the baby so you can get a few hrs sleep and can he please come home.

That is all that was needed to be done. End of.

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 23:42

And if he is exhausted because he chose to go out, well, surely that was his choice? with respect it doesn’t matter how he is exhausted, you don’t want any exhausted parent sitting on a sofa holding a baby all night long. It’s a recipe for SIDS.

Hawkins003 · 18/03/2023 23:42

All the best

KievsOutTheOven · 18/03/2023 23:43

Personally if I was out, leaving my kids with my partner, and I got a text saying they were “unsettled” I’d absolutely not assume that he wanted me to come home.

I get the whole being sleep deprived thing makes it harder to rationalise things; but like others have said I’d personally just lie dozing with my kid on my chest all night; and have my partner take over from maybe 5am - 10am to let me sleep. That way everyone gets about 5 hours solid sleep. Or, wait til he gets in and have him take over straight away whilst you get 5 hours; and you take over from him from 5-10am.

We have always done shifts when kids are not well and it’s much easier when everyone gets a reasonable chunk of undisturbed sleep.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 18/03/2023 23:43

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 23:26

I’d just carry on. Pop baby in a sling/baby wearing carrier so Im hands free, do the washing up and tidying. Then put baby in their cot while I shower (my showers are 2mins) and change into PJs. Then I’d go to bed- you said baby sleeps with you. There is no sense to sitting up exhausted on the sofa falling asleep now on the sofa with the baby is super dangerous.

It’s hardly a struggle. But then I had 4 DC and a mild chest infection is no big deal. You really don’t need two people to handle two DC when one is sleeping tucked up in bed!

Haha. Hear that OP? Just pop him in a sling. Some ppl have FOUR kids and are killing it don't you know?! That's helpful right?

SchoolTripDrama · 18/03/2023 23:44

@iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened Anyway, regardless of whether it's 1 or 2 people doing it, you find a solution. Raising them up slightly as they sleep (rolled towel under the head of their mattress often works. Good for Reflux too) and wind them down in your arms whilst you walk around with them. Then once asleep, wait a further 10/15 mins before putting them down. Job done.

Just make sure you sleep near to them in case any issues

samqueens · 18/03/2023 23:47

I usually found my little ones would only sleep when they had bad chests if they were in with me and cradled in my arm with their head on my shoulder. Not exactly the recipe for a decent night’s sleep for any adult, but I could usually doze enough to survive and they would sleep a lot better than if I tried to put them down.
surely your best bet is getting into bed with the baby, (prop him on your pillow while you change) and leave everything else til the morning…?!

Your DH can deal with the kids in the morning (and the tidying up) and you can go back to sleep and catch up. Don’t see what he’s going to do right now that’ll help you much, as it’s inevitable that you’re not going to get much sleep tonight!

VictorStrand · 18/03/2023 23:48

You're awake enough to argue with strangers on MN but not awake enough to be with the baby? If you feel your DH needs to cut his night out short so he can stay awake to watch the DC whilst you sleep, then tell him to come home. But don't be surprised if he thinks you're being arsey because he's having a night out. That's what I'd think if my DH called me to come home on a night out I'd been looking forward to for weeks.

Original poster
TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:48

@Onnabugeisha where did I say I'm expecting him to stay up all night with him? And I have said several times now that I have tried putting DS in bed with me and various other things. He still wakes up.

I'm glad you managed so well with four DCs. Clearly I don't measure up for wanting a little bit of help from my child's father.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 23:49

SchoolTripDrama · 18/03/2023 23:44

@iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened Anyway, regardless of whether it's 1 or 2 people doing it, you find a solution. Raising them up slightly as they sleep (rolled towel under the head of their mattress often works. Good for Reflux too) and wind them down in your arms whilst you walk around with them. Then once asleep, wait a further 10/15 mins before putting them down. Job done.

Just make sure you sleep near to them in case any issues

Exactly. Doesn’t take two to find a solution for baby to be comfortable wherever he usually sleeps and generally they sleep better if you just go to bed with them. Then you get sleep too. The whole sit on the sofa holding them is risky when you are exhausted and likely to fall asleep.

Sweet89 · 18/03/2023 23:49

I would personally ask him to come home. He is the father and has as much responsibility as you do. I don't understand some people on here who are saying to let him stay out. Why is it that the mother should have most of the responsibilities? You did all the night duties last night. He does all the night duties tonight! My partner would absolutely hesitate to go to the pub if our child was sick and I had only 2 hours of sleep the previous night. But everyone's priorities are different, and unfortunately, some people are just very selfish.

America12 · 18/03/2023 23:51

Miadi · 18/03/2023 23:28

Meh. I'd hate to have my husband looking after the baby calling me back home because he couldn't deal with it tbh and would probably sabotage his next night out in retaliation. If he doesn't go out often just leave it. It's one night

He goes out once or twice a week. That's a lot for someone with a small baby.

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 23:52

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:48

@Onnabugeisha where did I say I'm expecting him to stay up all night with him? And I have said several times now that I have tried putting DS in bed with me and various other things. He still wakes up.

I'm glad you managed so well with four DCs. Clearly I don't measure up for wanting a little bit of help from my child's father.

Please, my DH was a SAHD. I was still competent to handle them on my own though. It’s not about “help” it’s about crying Wolf and demanding he come home when it’s not necessary imho. You haven’t said you’ve tried anything suggested here. In fact, it’s been less than 1 hour since you started the thread and I’d bet £100 you haven’t left the sofa much less tried anything.

MoreSleepPleasee · 18/03/2023 23:52

Yabu op

Original poster
TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:53

@VictorStrand I'm being arsey for wanting my husband to help me? And he's been out since 6pm so it's not like I called him home after an hour. Is it really so bloody awful of me to want a lite bit of sleep after days of not getting much because my child is unwell? Am I really such a crap wife and mother for wanting that??

OP posts:
Sensibletrousers · 18/03/2023 23:53

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:48

@Onnabugeisha where did I say I'm expecting him to stay up all night with him? And I have said several times now that I have tried putting DS in bed with me and various other things. He still wakes up.

I'm glad you managed so well with four DCs. Clearly I don't measure up for wanting a little bit of help from my child's father.

Ignore all the commenters telling you to cope alone just because they are single parents to 25 kids and have never needed to ask anyone for help ever and they coped fine etc etc…

you do have a partner who would be willing and able to come home early and sober to share the load, if you asked him to - so ask him to!

HoppingPavlova · 18/03/2023 23:54

I’d just ask that he come home straight away after the band us finished rather than staying in after they have finished. If he’s just 5min down road then he should be back 11.30ish at latest. Then he can take baby and do night with them and he can also do a heavy lift tomorrow with left over Jess from tonight. That seems fair.

MoreSleepPleasee · 18/03/2023 23:54

The fact you've got the time to be posting on mumsnet during this apparent awful time tells me you just don't like the fact he's out

CombatBarbie · 18/03/2023 23:55

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:26

Sorry until DH comes home, really not with it tonight.

So sleep with him on you? I mean if DH has been drinking I hope you don't expect him to sit up with him on couch when he'll likely fall asleep.

Ruth98 · 18/03/2023 23:56

When my ypungest was like this I set his stroller / pushchair up in our bedroom (on an old picnic blanket because the wheels weren't too clean) and let him sleep in that strapped in / upright. This was after I noticed he could nap in the day it it without coughing but started as soon as I lied him down for bed at night.

theinbetweener · 18/03/2023 23:58

OP ignore the comments from the ones who want to make you feel worse than you already do. You have a partner, you don't have to feel guilty about that or soldier on just because little miss manykids had 15 children and never once found it difficult (I call bullshit)
Get some sleep tonight once he gets home and have a chat with him about the fact he's out twice a week while you've been nowhere since your 4 year old was born. Sounds like you're in a habit which isn't really healthy for you.
Hope your baby is better soon too Flowers
And don't get dragged into internet arguments by bored mums on Mumsnet.

Original poster
TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:59

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 23:52

Please, my DH was a SAHD. I was still competent to handle them on my own though. It’s not about “help” it’s about crying Wolf and demanding he come home when it’s not necessary imho. You haven’t said you’ve tried anything suggested here. In fact, it’s been less than 1 hour since you started the thread and I’d bet £100 you haven’t left the sofa much less tried anything.

Show quote history

You would lose that £100. But clearly you already think I'm a subpar parent for daring to want a little bit of help after days of very little sleep. But I forget that on MN you're not a true parent unless you're a complete martyr who runs on 23 minutes of sleep a night and never ever complains.

OP posts:
Spectre8 · 18/03/2023 23:59

So have you msg him to come home yet?

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