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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut DHs night out short and ask him to come home?

244 replies

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:05

So DH went out tonight. He is only at the pub a few streets away, seeing a live band
He goes out maybe once or twice a week. In the days since then our 9 month old DS has been diagnosed with a chest infection and given antibiotics. He is better now than he was but still coughing a lot and very unsettled at night.

DH went out at 6 tonight. When he left both kids were happily having dinner (we also have a 4 year old) and baby went to sleep fine at 7, but at around 8 he woke up coughing and crying and since then has cried every time he's put down. Or he'll stay asleep but then start coughing and wake himself up. I'm currently sat on the sofa holding him upright as he sleeps as that's the only position he'll stay asleep in. I haven't had a chance to properly tidy/clean up after dinner (I should say DH normally does this as I do all of the cooking), have a shower, or even consider going to bed myself yet. I suppose some might say just put DS in his cot and get on with it but as he's unsettled because he's poorly I feel that's a little cruel. I am already pretty exhausted as DS was very unsettled last night too and I dealt with 90% of the wakings, as I normally do (DS is breastfed and DH sleeps in a separate room as he snores terribly, so baby is in with me). I asked DH when he'd be home and he said 'probably midnight/1am'. I DO NOT want to be staying up that late.

AIBU to ask him to come home a little earlier, just to help out? I should say he doesn't drink so no worries about him looking after DS whilst drunk. He would come home if asked but part of me feels bad as he's been wanting to see this band for weeks. But on the other hand I'm exhausted, on my own with a 4 year old (albeit she's asleep) and a poorly baby and need to get some sleep? Sometimes I feel like I get overwhelmed too easily and just need to suck it up.

OP posts:
Sensibletrousers · 18/03/2023 23:32

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:27

@Spectre8 I have told him DS is very unsettled but not explicitly asked him to come home.

Just ask him to come home now as DS is ill and you need his help. There is nothing unreasonable about him going out, nor you asking him to come home a bit sooner than planned - needs must and you need it. Just ask him! Not a huge deal!

zaksmum1 · 18/03/2023 23:32

You say you can't put the baby down
How would your husband coming home change that?
Would he then hold the baby?
Just curious

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 23:32

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:31

@Zonder tbh I didn't word it well. But yes the main issue is that I cannot go to bed until DH comes home.

But why?! DS sleeps with you. Why can’t you and DS go to bed now?

ladykale · 18/03/2023 23:32

Spectre8 · 18/03/2023 23:09

Or text him and say he needs to do everything in the morning so you get to lie in and catch up on sleep.

Swings n roundabouts n all that

Yeah I would do this.

Text to say have a great night but would he be able to cover from first thing so you can have a lie in, that way he can choose how late he stays out but bear in mind that he needs to be up early (so will likely call it a night earlier)

SchoolTripDrama · 18/03/2023 23:32

LittleMG · 18/03/2023 23:08

I’d get my husband back this is a 2 person job.

Ha! As a lone parent I can say it very much isn't! 🙄

Original poster
TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:32

@Onnabugeisha he could take DS just for a bit so I could catch up on sleep? He doesn't drink so won't be drunk. And he got a full night's sleep last night whereas I did not. I think it's only fair?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/03/2023 23:34

Is he going to need to stay up all night holding the baby? How’s that going to work if you need to feed him?

Original poster
TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:34

@Onnabugeisha I said he's in with me, as in sleeps in the same room. Also bedsharing makes no difference. As soon as I lay him down AT ALL he wakes. At all. On any surface.

OP posts:
Littlewhitecat · 18/03/2023 23:34

So you want him to come home so you can go to bed? Are you expecting the baby to be up all night and your DH looking after him? If you really didn't want your DH to go out you should have said as much. All this passive aggressive I texted him nonsense so he's supposed to guess what you actually want. Have sick children is shit but it won't kill you to be sleep deprived. Have a lie in tomorrow, citing mother's Day and DHs night out.

Sensibletrousers · 18/03/2023 23:34

SchoolTripDrama · 18/03/2023 23:32

Ha! As a lone parent I can say it very much isn't! 🙄

Show quote history

But she isn’t a single parent and does have a second adult around to share the load with, so why be a martyr?

Spectre8 · 18/03/2023 23:35

Hmmm but op unsettled isn't very clear thst you need help. Just be explicit abd say I'm exhausted I need sleep baby won't go sleep can you come home early to hold him so I get some sleep please and I know it'll cut your night a bit short.

To be fair I go to lots of gigs and cutting short one hour after seeing a band for a few hrs wouldnt faze me.

Ppl aren't mind readers just be more clear

iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened · 18/03/2023 23:35

@SchoolTripDrama well no, it is a 2 person job it's just that sometimes for various different reasons it ends up 1 person having to do the job of 2.

Spiderboy · 18/03/2023 23:36

So you want your OH to come home to stay awake and care for LO all night after hours at the pub so you can sleep? I am really sorry but that doesn’t seem like a plan either. Will he have been drinking much?

Onnabugeisha · 18/03/2023 23:36

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:32

@Onnabugeisha he could take DS just for a bit so I could catch up on sleep? He doesn't drink so won't be drunk. And he got a full night's sleep last night whereas I did not. I think it's only fair?

Sorry, but you are hyper-focussed on DS needing to be held to sleep by an adult sitting up on the sofa. That’s not a valid solution. Your DH won’t be drunk, but he will be exhausted. Last thing you want is for him to sit up with a baby and potentially fall asleep and then co-sleep in the most risky and dangerous way. You’re going to have to try the Vicks on feet or elevate his upper body in your bedroom where he sleeps and so on. You haven’t even tried to go to bed with DS. He may not even be crying because of his cough but because he doesn’t want to be alone.

Original poster
TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:36

@Littlewhitecat it won't kill him either? And he gets a full night's sleep most nights as I do almost all of the wakes? Or is it just my job?

And I get that if I were a single parent I'd have to suck it up but I'm not.

OP posts:
iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened · 18/03/2023 23:37

Spectre8 · 18/03/2023 23:35

Hmmm but op unsettled isn't very clear thst you need help. Just be explicit abd say I'm exhausted I need sleep baby won't go sleep can you come home early to hold him so I get some sleep please and I know it'll cut your night a bit short.

To be fair I go to lots of gigs and cutting short one hour after seeing a band for a few hrs wouldnt faze me.

Ppl aren't mind readers just be more clear

This.
We need to be clear if we want people to help us, we can't hope they decipher whatever we're feeling. Just tell him you need some help sooner than later and would appreciate if he can head home earlier than planned. Even if he can be back for 12.30 maybe.

704703hey · 18/03/2023 23:38

Just text him and say what's happened. He may not pick it up though if he's in a noisy pub.

Littlewhitecat · 18/03/2023 23:38

TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:36

@Littlewhitecat it won't kill him either? And he gets a full night's sleep most nights as I do almost all of the wakes? Or is it just my job?

And I get that if I were a single parent I'd have to suck it up but I'm not.

So call him and tell him that rather some passive aggressive random crap on Mumsnet. Stop being so wet and tell him what you want him to do

Original poster
TheGumptionTheGall · 18/03/2023 23:38

@Onnabugeisha I am exhausted too? And how will he be exhausted if he got a full night's sleep last night? And if he is exhausted because he chose to go out, well, surely that was his choice? I get the impression you think it's just my job to stay up with DC.

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 18/03/2023 23:38

@Sensibletrousers No martyring necessary it's literally less than 2 hours! Tomorrow is a Sunday. He's been looking forward to this for weeks.

Spiderboy · 18/03/2023 23:39

Ah just seen your post about not drinking. I’d go up to bed and take LO with you, elevate them as much as possible while keeping things safe and see if they settle. At this point I’d probably just message him as the band is likely finished now and if he is sober you can grab some sleep for a couple of hours and maybe do shifts

Gemcat1 · 18/03/2023 23:39

No reason not to ask him to come home early. When he asked you about going out the kids were OK. They aren't now. Raising kids is a joint exercise and you both have to give up things to do so.

SchoolTripDrama · 18/03/2023 23:39

iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened · 18/03/2023 23:35

@SchoolTripDrama well no, it is a 2 person job it's just that sometimes for various different reasons it ends up 1 person having to do the job of 2.

Why is it a 2 person job?

SpareHeirOverThere · 18/03/2023 23:39

OP, you're exhausted. You need sleep. And both you and dh should be getting roughly equal amounts of that.
Text to warn him baby is ill and you need sleep so he will be on call when he gets home.
When you are both rested as well as possible, discuss sleep and how you divide it between you.

You say he goes out a couple times each week? Do you?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 18/03/2023 23:40

HolidayGlowTime · 18/03/2023 23:09

In your situation I wouldn't ask.

I'd ignore the cleaning, forget about a shower and just try and get comfortable with the baby. Then explain to DH tomorrow that you need to shower and catch up on some sleep so it's his turn to step in and take care of him.

If he doesn't drink then there's no concern he'd be too hungover to take over.

This is what I’d do. Leave the cleaning, early night with baby, husband can clean up in morning while you get a long lie, everyone is happy.