So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

Another post I can only applaud.

This behaviour is horrendous though and even though I agree she was acting like a brat - even I would never say that to her

Why wouldn’t you say that to her? It sounds as though that’s what she needs to hear.

And she's presumably had her parents split (a trauma) and then new man hanging around, and while it's not even enough of a relationship to have new man moved in, new man has impregnated her mum, and now mum is ill.

yeah, the mum had zero to do with it.

She was acting like a brat. It's not ideal to "lose your shit" but he may have thought, after chucking a chair and slapping a phone out of her hand, that the next step may have been physical violence to OP.

I really hope he is thinking long and hard about his future right now. Because if this child gets so wound up at her ill mother when she doesn't get to do a thing, he is better off out of it. And OP is better off building a relationship with her DD that involves boundaries and using words rather than chucking furniture.

Your DP absolutely crossed the line in calling your DD names. However, he is probably struggling with the miscarriage too, and your DDs behaviour sounds absolutely shocking. That is not normal behaviour for an 8 year old. 3 maybe, 8- no. Sounds like you might need to develop some new strategies for supporting her to manage her emotions better; and develop her interpersonal skills / sensitivity to others needs/ feelings etc.

So sorry for your loss oP. Hope you are doing ok xx

All the other stuff aside I'm so sorry for what you're going through op, sending hugs

Poor kid. You are unwell and emotional and she is fearful. She wants things to be ok and she wants to cook with you to make everything good.
Your partner, who isn't part of the family, is presumably feeling the loss of the pregnancy too and he starts shouting at her for behaving like a child. He feels protective of you and completely underestimates how overwhelmed she us feeling.
It was better for him to go to his own house - as long as you didn't need medical help. Hopefully he can have a talk with your daughter tomorrow, apologise and explain why he was so upset.

I think it's decent that he tried to defend you seeing as he knows you're in physical and emotional pain. Calling her a spoilt brat isn't ideal but isn't that bad. By the sound of it there's a conversation to be had around boundaries for all of you when you're ready.

Empathy isn’t letting someone get away with bad behaviour. It’s no wonder there are so many kids with behavioural problems these days!

Agree with this.
Did dd know about the pregnancy- maybe she is upset too.
How close is she to your dp given that he doesn't even live with you?
There's no excuses for the behaviour but if it's out of character then you need to get to the bottom of what has caused this outburst.

Has he gone home? How are they both being now?

I don’t think you’re wrong for not letting him parent her more, you don’t live together and don’t say how long you’ve been together, the pregnancy wasn’t planned and it may not be a committed long term relationship yet.

If you’re going to be moving in together and it is serious then he’ll probably want to be more involved, she’s 8, you’ve got years of hardcore parenting ahead of you. So you need to be able to talk to each other about this stuff. Openly, honestly, with consideration and no defensiveness. If you can’t do that then proper blending won’t be possible.

I’m sorry for your miscarriage. I hope he’s being supportive. It sounds like he was trying if not in a way you found appropriate.

A lot of women feel a really strong urge to ttc after they’ve had one even if it wasn’t a planned pregnancy, those hormones can be scary. Don’t rush into anything.

Give yourself time to heal, to sit with any emotions you have about it all and try and be gentle with your partner and let him do the same with you if that’s what he’s doing generally.

Behavioural problems don't come from treating children as children and with empathy. All behaviour is communication. This child was not coping with what was going on. CHILD.

Behavioural problems do often come from trauma, from family breakdown, from unsettled family dynamics. From having a live out boyfriend insult you when you're not coping with the situation.

I would use your DP's statement as a starting point for discussing this behaviour with your daughter, alongside setting some clear consequences for her. She's 8, so if it is just frustration, then she can be involved in some reflection on her actions and come up with suggestions on what she could do differently next time.

I would also really recommend 1-2-3 Magic. It enabled my husband and I to keep a check on our frustrations when disciplining but also meant we both dealt with our child in the same way. We also thought through suitable consequences in advance which was also helpful.

Well she was behaving like a spoilt little brat.

Regardless of if she knows what you're going through or not throwing chairs and grabbing a phone from your mums hands because she can't help you bake. If my ds did that he wouldn't be baking for a hell of a long time because I'd be telling g him he clearly isn't safe or sensible enough.

I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage

What? Is there any actual evidence to suggest kids behave worse than they used to? Or is that just bullshit that gets trotted out by people like you when a kid has a tantrum?

I wouldn’t expect this from my 4 year old never mind an 8 year old! Sorry to hear what you’re going through OP I hope you have enough support x

I’ve been a teacher for over 20 years. In my experience both the kids and the parents behave worse these days.

Yes sounds like ASD to me. It is different in girls than in boys so the usual signs might not be there. With girls meltdowns are a thing with autism and society just calls them brats because no one bothers to do research in autism for girls. Her nervous system had taken over and it doesn't really sound like she was in control of herself. No one would choose to have a meltdown like that if they had a choice.

Hmm I remember being in school in the 90s and I think you're wrong. Teachers aren't necessarily experts re children either in my experience.

Do you have an 8 year old? An 8 year old who has been through a trauma?

I wonder how many of the posters saying "she's a terrible brat!" actually know a lot about 8 year olds.

God forbid a man stick up for his unwell and upset girlfriend. If he’d said nothing, no doubt OP would be moaning that he was leaving her to cope with her badly behaved daughter alone.
Sorry for your loss. But the kid was being a brat.

This- no one chooses a meltdown. She was communicating.

I sorry for your loss. I don't think your partner did anything wrong, sorry. Sounds like your daughter wasn't being nice, and he told her off. I would have said the same to mine too.

I am sorry for your loss.

If this is out of character for your DD, then I’d work on the basis that she has picked up on your grief and pain and is overwhelmed. That’s not blaming you in any way. Children are incredibly astute. She probably couldn’t handle or even understand her feelings and they just exploded.

If it is a regular thing, then use it as an opportunity to think about how you’re going to manage it, why it’s happening and what you can expect of your partner. But wait until you’re feeling stronger.

What he said was not ideal but which of us hasn’t said such things in the heat of the moment?

Someone please enlighten me why it’s okay for a grown man to ‘lose his shit’ at a CHILD but when the child, who arguably isn’t going to be great at dealing with their feelings all the time also loses their shit then that’s terrible and she’s a brat.

Why are we holding an 8 year old CHILD up to higher standards than that of an adult?

Absolutely fucking baffling and some comments on here about a child are obscene.

This thread has been preying on my mind. We expect children - and from the perspective of someone with adult children, eight is young - to cope with things that adults struggle with, when they don't have the language, experience or understanding to do so. Divorce, loss, 'grey area' romantic relationships are all really, really hard for adults. How is a young child supposed to display the maturity and understanding that adults quite often don't possess when they're just facing one of these problems?

Some of the comments on here are absolutely horrible, and I hope you show more understanding towards your own children than you do towards that of a stranger online.