So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

I’m not sure about this, sounds like the child was in control when she was choosing to ignore her mother and not leave the room for her mothers safety after having attacked her.

Potentially something for OP to look in to but a tantrum does not always equal a meltdown.

I’m very sorry for your loss OP. I just wanted to say, as I’ve skimmed the thread and said that people are saying 8 year olds shouldn’t be having these kind of tantrums unless there’s some SEN. I just wanted to reassure you that my daughter, who is now nearly 14, was still having these kind of outbursts/tantrums at age 8/9, obviously she was disciplined and we let her know it wasn’t acceptable, but she absolutely does not have any SEN needs at all.

I think people forget that 8 is still young, and whilst obviously many 8 year olds will be very well behaved, the odd tantrum is not that unusual. Interestingly she has been a pretty good teenager so far. Your daughter has had a lot of change and will be picking up on all the emotions. Ideally your DP shouldn’t have said that to her, you need to have a chat and be on the same page about things like that.

So sorry again for your loss.

With the absence of any sen then at 8 years old she should know better, my dd is just 9 and wouldn't dream of doing that. Maybe a little sulk and a moan but a full on meltdown? Too old for that shit!

I agree with your dp and she needs to know it's not on.

She was being a brat though. Maybe time for her to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her

Sounds like she is picking up on something being wrong and feeling scared and so acting out- and to be honest sounds like that’s what your partner was doing too when he needed to be the grown up and make her feel safe. I’d be very upset with what he said but I’d probably cut him some slack since presumably he is upset about the miscarriage (and some men find that hard to express).

Hope you feel better soon.

The trauma of being told her mummy isn’t very well so can’t bake with her?

Honestly I’m amazed by the amount of people who seem to think eight year olds are psychic.

The trauma of her parents separating. And then mum getting unplanned knocked up to some random man.

Who then calls her a spoiled brat when she can't cope.

When she's 8.

That trauma.

They're not psychic, but neither are they oblivious to heightened emotions at home, to their caregiver's upset, to the unsettledness to their world (what the PP described, not unfittingly, as 'trauma') that comes with their parents splitting up and one parent entering a new relationship. And when nobody's supplying them with a clear explanation for any of that or talking to them in an authentic way about what's going on, then you have a situation that would be hard for an adult to handle, let alone a child.

(emilytheresponsibleone - I'm absolutely with you in what you're saying - but this 'getting unplanned knocked up to some random man' is harsh. While the man is effectively 'random' to the child, he's not to OP, and she's feeling understandably fragile right now).

Basically, OP is right, and I'd be taking a MASSIVE step back from the relationship with the boyfriend, and concentrate on making my CHILD feel secure and regulated. Because I'm the grown up.

I'm finding those who advocate the adultification of an eight year old, and simultaneously expect said eight year old to take everything in their stride, to be quite disturbing. And I hope they're not parenting eight year olds, especially ones who have had difficult things happen.

But we don’t know the ins and outs of the situation. How old the child was when her parents separated, how long the op has been with her current partner and his relationship to her dd, or if her dd knew about the pregnancy at all

@YouSoundLovely You are right. Apologies to OP - I'm not writing to you, to you, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm writing harshly from your child's pov, to try and hit home to those adultifying your child.

OP- you sound like a good mum, and I hope you're feeling better soon. I also hope you're on contraception soon, too, though!

It doesn't matter how old she was.

Boyfriend isn't living with them, it's an unplanned pregnancy- this isn't sounding like a "slowly, slowly" building a blended family mindfully situation. It sounds like the adults fucked up a bit. And yes, the adults are sad, and ill. But they're the adults. It sounds like OP's boyfriend forgot to be the adult.

Wow, I'm really surprised that so many people think it's ok for an adult to react to a kid like this. No, I don't think it was ok. He shouldn't have called her names. He escalated the situation.

Of course her behaviour was bad. But why did she do this? I would be sitting thinking about that. And really, a man shouting at an 8 year old girl like that, to me, is a massive red flag. It is very likely he didn't know what to do and was protecting you, but it really wasn't his place.

I wouldn't be able to have him around my child any more. It is very unpleasant for you to have a guy call your kid that.

I do of course think her behaviour needs help. But not, no way, by a grown man shouting insults at her.

I'm sorry, OP. You didn't need this tonight. But hopefully you'll get a good night's sleep and your daughter will be calmer in the morning and you can have a chat with her about it.

If she wasn't a spoilt little brat he wouldn't need to say it

Perhaps your DD was very upset and struggling to self regulate and then things escalated further when you called your partner. She may have perceived that you were ‘telling’ on her and she was going to be in trouble with him. It would probably be a good time to reevaluate how much parenting input he has in your lives.

She’s 8 years old and should know better
If you say no - for whatever reason - it’s no and she doesn’t seem to have any respect for that. It was all about what she wanted and about her only so I would say spoilt brat was quite mild to call her

I thought we were more open to children/people are their diverse needs.

If she had an SEND diagnosis posters would be falling over themselves to excuse any behaviour.

She has a lot going on in her life and she’s not a doll without zero emotions.

No one is excusing her behaviour but calling her makes to try and belittle her is not acceptable.

I hope all the posters who say they’d have called her a spoilt brat ‘or worse’ don’t work with children.

Your daughter did behave like a spolt brat to be honest,

Sorry for your loss,

8 year olds know better she is a brat. Your indulgenging her behaviour. I'd have taken devices off my child for that behaviour.

She didn't call her partner, she called the girl's father. Two different people.

Before you start telling other people how to parent, it's pretty crap parenting to give 8 yr olds devices in the first place.

Agree 100%. I'm still appalled by some of the things that people have said about the OP's child, and about the way in which people imagine a child should be able to breeze through things that adults struggle with.

@emilytheresponsibleone how do you know the separation was a trauma? My DSD has had separated/divorced parents from being a few months old. She doesn’t remember any other life. Literally no trauma whatsoever 🤷🏻‍♀️