So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

[Proudofitbabe]

He was right, she was a brat - and the fact your outrage is directed towards his comment rather than your naughty daughter speaks volumes as to why.

[Jazzabel]

@peachesandcreamz

It's really difficult because I’m fiercely protective over DD and I often hold DP to standards that probably aren’t realistic. Especially in this case. But part of me thinks that if I can keep it together then he should be able to too?

I am beginning to question whether there’s a possibility of autism.

By keeping it together do you actually mean you put up and let her get away with bad behaviour? If you let her have her own way all the time it’s not surprising if she kicks off when you tell her no

A couple of outbursts doesn’t mean autism. Children (and adults) do this occasionally. And no, shouting isn’t always the best way to deal with it but he’s obviously feeling crappy right now, as are you. If it was under different circumstances you might not of been so upset by it.

[user1496146479]

Spoiled brat fits really well here! Sorry OP

Sorry for your loss

[Brefugee]

I'm wondering exactly when OP might have possibly asked her daughter to kindly stop throwing furniture around?
Maybe when she hurt OP?

[Pancakeorcrepe]

I’m sorry you are going through a miscarriage 💐💐 obviously it is very hard. Your partner is right, your daughter was being a spoilt little brat. The behaviour you described is really not appropriate at her age.

[TrashyPanda]

So sorry for your loss.

your partner did nothing wrong.

her behaviour was horrific and needs to be addressed, even though you feel awful. Especially the knocking the phone out of your hand. That is perilously close to physical violence, and that can never go unchecked.

you need to think about how to deal with this. Obviously, she needs to apologise to both you and your partner - but what else are you going to do?

[PrincessToad]

He's backing you up and he's probably feeling stressed, emotional and everything else that goes with it during the circumstances.

I'd draw a line under it and move on. I think you need to pick your battles at the moment.

I do hope you are feeling ok, be kind to yourself.

[Brightshinylight]

DP had a point and was right to call it out. DD will get over been given a reality check.

[YouSoundLovely]

Absolutely agree with Angelik, and am quite disturbed by the viciousness so many posters are showing towards this little girl (and yes, 8 is still a little girl), tbh.

What people who are tearing her apart over her 'tantrum' 'over baking' are missing is that she's not reacting like this over baking. She'll know something's up. She'll know it's not just a 'tummy ache', but obviously nobody's telling her anything. She'll know her mother's upset. She'll be feeling tension and fears she can't have any words for. It's also an added stress for her to have her mother's boyfriend (and that's what he is at this stage, not a stepfather or anything like it - and therefore it is not his place to parent her) in her home when she's feeling her world rocked like this.

I wouldn't be impressed with a man who couldn't understand that an 8yo trying to navigate an atmosphere of mystery upset and sadness doesn't have access to adult outlets for her feelings and lashed out at her with something so vicious. It wouldn't bode well for his qualities as a father.

[moleeye]

I have an 8 year old and that is completely unacceptable and if she was acting like that I would absolutely call her out on it and let her know.

Not sure why you wouldn't.

So sorry you're going through such a rough time xx

[EMUKE]

DD must of realised some thing was wrong even if you said you wasn’t feeling very well. DD needs to understand if you’re unable to do some thing it shouldn’t be a melt down. So I think your partner had had enough and got out what he actual thinks of her. TBH by the sounds of it she probs is a brat. I’m sure she’s your everything but if your partner lost it with her maybe you need to realise she needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable.

[Dontletitsnow]

Defo a brat. My 5 year old doesn’t behave like that!

[Spinninggyro]

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through OP.

Try to look at this from your daughter’s point of view, something is wrong with her mum and it’s making mum sad. This can be scary for a child, particularly if she has experienced any loss or trauma before.
If it is an unusual reaction for her then I would think a calm discussion on what happened and why would be valuable.

Children can have extreme reactions sometimes and I think a lot of posters are far too quick with the harsh comments

[pettysquabbles]

@YouSoundLovely

Absolutely agree with Angelik, and am quite disturbed by the viciousness so many posters are showing towards this little girl (and yes, 8 is still a little girl), tbh.

What people who are tearing her apart over her 'tantrum' 'over baking' are missing is that she's not reacting like this over baking. She'll know something's up. She'll know it's not just a 'tummy ache', but obviously nobody's telling her anything. She'll know her mother's upset. She'll be feeling tension and fears she can't have any words for. It's also an added stress for her to have her mother's boyfriend (and that's what he is at this stage, not a stepfather or anything like it - and therefore it is not his place to parent her) in her home when she's feeling her world rocked like this.

I wouldn't be impressed with a man who couldn't understand that an 8yo trying to navigate an atmosphere of mystery upset and sadness doesn't have access to adult outlets for her feelings and lashed out at her with something so vicious. It wouldn't bode well for his qualities as a father.

Totally disagree. DP should use this time to reflect and hopefully decide to leave this shitshow as he is never going to be in an equal partnership with the OP.

[defi]

My 6year old knows better. He was bang on the money with that comment

[beastlyslumber]

@YouSoundLovely

Absolutely agree with Angelik, and am quite disturbed by the viciousness so many posters are showing towards this little girl (and yes, 8 is still a little girl), tbh.

What people who are tearing her apart over her 'tantrum' 'over baking' are missing is that she's not reacting like this over baking. She'll know something's up. She'll know it's not just a 'tummy ache', but obviously nobody's telling her anything. She'll know her mother's upset. She'll be feeling tension and fears she can't have any words for. It's also an added stress for her to have her mother's boyfriend (and that's what he is at this stage, not a stepfather or anything like it - and therefore it is not his place to parent her) in her home when she's feeling her world rocked like this.

I wouldn't be impressed with a man who couldn't understand that an 8yo trying to navigate an atmosphere of mystery upset and sadness doesn't have access to adult outlets for her feelings and lashed out at her with something so vicious. It wouldn't bode well for his qualities as a father.

Exactly. The lack of understanding in some of these comments is quite disturbing.

You were right to send your DP home, OP. Hope you get some rest tonight.

[YouSoundLovely]

No. All behaviour is communication, and this behaviour seems to me to be communicating 'tell me what the hell is actually wrong here'.

I'm not saying the behaviour doesn't need to be addressed, clearly but calmly, when everyone has calmed down. But vicious name-calling? No.

What happened, OP, after the 'brat' comment, when she showed increased sistress which 'riled DP even more'? Riled him in what way?

[AllOfThemWitches]

Aw OP, you're having a pretty shit time, do take care of yourself. I think if outbursts are rare, she's just picked up on your (understandably sad) mood. I hope everything feels a bit better after sleep.

[grumpycow1]

While your DP shouldn’t have called names I can understand his reaction, you should explain to DD in a calm moment and he should apologise. While your DD also acted badly, I think promising to bake and then not following through is upsetting from her perspective. If you were ill when you made the promise you might have been trying to compensate. But it’s best to just be upfront with kids. Mummy can’t do much today, how about a movie day with popcorn etc. Also she may be noticing some tension so be gentle on her, as someone else said she is probably scared of why you are ill and upset. I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried, at home I had a 4 year old who didn’t understand and it’s really difficult. Could you have someone babysit your daughter while you rest?

[ToBeFrancesca]

I think it's very hard on the child to say she's being a spoilt brat. She has been an only child for 8 years. Her parents have split up. Her mum has a new partner and they have had an unplanned pregnancy, even though her partner doesn't live with them so doesn't play the role of stepfather. Now her mum has had a miscarriage. Both her mum and her mum's partner will be understandably upset and this is absolutely bound to affect a child. The roles are even more confused as her mum calls her dad when she can't cope with her behaviour - so she's got one man who isn't there but whose opinion is being sought, and another man who is there, but who has no say. This is an awful lot to contend with when you're 8. She may, of course, have been acting like a spoilt brat - but it's not the first conclusion I'd come to (and neither is autism - one of my DC is autistic, so I am not unfamiliar with meltdowns). If I were you, OP, I'd take a step back from my partner and focus on my daughter's stability for a bit. She's trying to tell you something with her behaviour. I also wonder what you mean about your partner "losing his shit". I don't know if that means he was impatient, or if it means he shouted and became really angry. But in a way, it doesn't matter, as he's not the central person here.

[YouSoundLovely]

*OFFS. Distress, not 'sistress'.

[YouSoundLovely]

@ToBeFrancesca

I think it's very hard on the child to say she's being a spoilt brat. She has been an only child for 8 years. Her parents have split up. Her mum has a new partner and they have had an unplanned pregnancy, even though her partner doesn't live with them so doesn't play the role of stepfather. Now her mum has had a miscarriage. Both her mum and her mum's partner will be understandably upset and this is absolutely bound to affect a child. The roles are even more confused as her mum calls her dad when she can't cope with her behaviour - so she's got one man who isn't there but whose opinion is being sought, and another man who is there, but who has no say. This is an awful lot to contend with when you're 8. She may, of course, have been acting like a spoilt brat - but it's not the first conclusion I'd come to (and neither is autism - one of my DC is autistic, so I am not unfamiliar with meltdowns). If I were you, OP, I'd take a step back from my partner and focus on my daughter's stability for a bit. She's trying to tell you something with her behaviour. I also wonder what you mean about your partner "losing his shit". I don't know if that means he was impatient, or if it means he shouted and became really angry. But in a way, it doesn't matter, as he's not the central person here.

Spot on.

[adriftinadenofvipers]

He's not wrong but be careful as I've been having myself ripped a new one for the crime of calling lazy, indolent teens "little shits", so clearly criticising any of the cherubs isn't acceptable here.

Sorry about your m/c - have been through it twice, and it's awful - but your DD is too old to let her get away with a toddler tantrum.

I realise that he isn't your DD's bio father but if he is going to be spending a lot of time around her, then the two of you need to sit down and work out how that is going to look in terms of discipline. Hopefully you will have your baby together which will create a siblings dynamic, and you will have to be on the same page with both children.

I don't think calling your ex was helpful though - you should have dealt with her firmly when she first kicked off.

[Ireallywantsomechips]

It’s hard to say without context of your DDs personality as a whole.

To me it’s obviously not about not baking. She knows something is going on and is frustrated that she can’t explain it. I wouldn’t expect her to at 8. Especially if you and DP aren’t openly talking about your awful loss in front of her (understandably so) she might feel left out and frightened. Then to her you’ve decided you’re not going to do something with her you said you would because you’re ill has just escalated those feelings with her.

I wouldn’t have kicked DP out and would have sent everyone to calm down and then had a chat about how we express ourselves and how we are a unit etc etc

Obviously this is all null and void if she has poor behaviour all the rest of the time too