So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

I bet you believe that children adopted at birth have no trauma either?

I'm willing to believe that OP's relationship was the first ever one to end completely amicably with no conflict at all, shortly after her child's birth, and be followed by a perfect co-parenting relationship. With no parental upset on either side. Congratulations on her having the first ever incidence of this, as I've never heard of it happening before.

I am very sorry about your situation OP, that’s horrible. However, I disagree with most of the replies here. She’s only 8 FFS and was presumably gutted about the baking, and likely to be unsure about if you’re ok etc. Give her a break and talk to her when she’s calmer.
And am horrified at your DP’s text - you’re honestly ok with him saying that about her. How do you know he wasn’t winding her up deliberately rather than it being ‘back chat’?

@emilytheresponsibleone Again, she is not traumatised and the OP's partner didn't threaten to 'kick her up the arse'. You're just making things up now.

My now 18 year old’s dad walked out when she was a couple of months old. I had my own trauma from that but she’s never shown any of her own. Kids play up sometimes! It’s normal for God’s sake but letting them get away with it is what causes problems. She’d have her moments where she’d act like a brat, or test her limits but I wouldn’t stand for it. And yes that sometimes meant shouting at her or calling her a brat or sending her to her room. When we’d calm down we’d talk it through. She’s not damaged in anyway and is turning into a strong and sensible young woman. We have a great relationship, she was out with her mates last night but wanted to cook me dinner for Mother’s Day so is now in the kitchen pressing on with a hangover

So, a girl who is unsure and concerned that her mother is ok throws furniture around, grabs at her mother's phone, screams at the top of her lungs, refuses to listen when told to go to her room? That sounds really unsure and concerned for her mother's health.

Her parents split shortly after her birth, and now her mum has fallen pregnant, unplanned, to a man where the relationship isn't serious enough for him to have moved in. Then she's seen her mum be ill, and crying all day, without knowing why. This is all traumatic. I'm not making things up, I'm taking them from OP's posts. I say again, there's a reason she was so distressed, and it's not because she's a pint pot psychopath having a tantrum over baking. She sounds scared.

She's a child. Children are irrational.

@emilytheresponsibleone The OP herself is saying her DD isn't traumatised as a result of the break up and the co-parenting arrangement is amicable. Why are you creating a narrative that doesn't exist??

@emilytheresponsibleone If you have actually read the OP's posts you would know the daughter wasn't even aware of the pregnancy. Bloody hell, there you go again, making things up to fit the narrative you have created in your head.

@emilytheresponsibleone She is eight. That is old enough that if you are concerned about someone's health, you don't endanger them further by bashing furniture around near them and lunging at them to snatch phones.

She’s a child, he’s an adult

Ime, people (including on this thread) play down the effects of their adult relationships on kids. Any narrative against "kids are resilient!" Is unpalatable. I'm not at all surprised OP wants to minimise that part of her child's life. Just like she won't say how long her and "DP" have been together before this unplanned pregnancy. Or whether she is planning contraception.

Parents splitting is an adverse childhood experience- a trauma. Just because some children resolve that trauma, or are unaffected, doesn't stop it being an adverse experience. This child's behaviour, described by OP, is that of a scared, traumatised child. No child chooses to behave badly, all behaviour is communication.

She didn't know what was going on.

Can you remember being a child? Can you think what it would be like to have a single parent, and that parent spend all day crying? About a tummy ache? You'd be confused, right? But mum says she's going to bake with you. Then she says not, and you get overwhelmed and push a chair. Then your mum starts to ring your dad- to send you away? You want everything to just stop!

Can't you have any empathy?

I am sorry for what you're going through, but YABU.

I am a step parent and if my partner expected me to put up with that sort of behaviour, including the shop incident, without passing comment or losing patience, I would think they were majorly taking the piss. You cannot expect them to help and then object to them parenting.

Your DDs behaviour sounds absolutely awful.

😆Many children choose to behave badly, actually. Leaving aside the OP's DD, just speaking in general terms. Children absolutely behave badly just because they want to and can, especially if they believe there won't be any consequences because they're not being effectively disciplined.

You've no idea what is driving this behaviour and you are creating a narrative that fits with your world experience.

She wasn't calling the dad to send her DD away!!!! The OP has said in her posts that when her DD has a meltdown she calls DD's father to calm her down. So this happens on a regular basis. She wasn't calling him to send her away and the girl would have had no reason to believe this was the case. The amount of imaginative retrofitting is absolutely astounding.

I’m guessing your DP is also struggling with your miscarriage so his patience is likely frayed. Your DD was acting like a spoilt brat, and whilst those aren’t necessarily the words I’d have chosen, he was right to call her out on it.

I didn't say she was. But did this little girl know that? She's thinking with child-logic. Her mum is ill, crying, her mum's boyfriend is also upset. There's something going on? Children are self centred- often they assume things are their fault. I was empathising with child logic.

I think it's sad when adults forget what it was like to be a child, and lose empathy. It does lead to poor parenting.

Because it's happened many times in the past - calling her father to calm her down when she acts like this. Do you think children don't learn from experience?

Why on earth, out of absolutely nowhere, would she think her mother is calling her father to send her away if that has never happened before??

@emilytheresponsibleone some children definitely choose to misbehave. I know this because I used to do it. Sometimes it was to get back at my parents if they did something I didn’t like, or to make my classmates laugh. A lot of the time I’d fight with my brother because I didn’t like him at the time. I knew I’d get in trouble but I didn’t care. I think I actually was a bit of a brat myself back then!

@emilytheresponsibleone Could you please stop making stuff up to justify your position? There have been multiple things now that you have fabricated that directly contradict the information OP has provided. You are making wild assumptions that are not at all reasonable and do not fit with what the OP has said. i just don't understand why you are doing this.

OP

is this true?