So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

@Ameadowwalk and @beastlyslumber are right. Your daughter ought to be your priority, OP. And your boyfriend is not good father material if he can't understand why a child finds it hard to accept someone new coming along and (to the child's eyes) taking her mum away from her. I doubt that many people on here would lie in bed quietly while their partner had his OW on the sofa downstairs. Obviously the two things are very different! But in terms of a child's visceral emotional response, there are similarities.

If "shut up" is unacceptable then "spoilt brat" is unacceptable too. Perhaps you need to teach your dd to be mindful of what she says if she's not ready to receive it back.

While I sympathise with the amount of patience needed to live with children (especially ones that aren't your own), it sounds like your partner isn't a suitable stepparent never mind parent.

She’s eight. She knocked over a chair.
It’s great that so many posters on here have perfectly behaved children. i wonder how many of their children have been in a situation where their needs are dismissed by mum’s partner and they are devalued as spoilt and needing their arses kicked. Because the ones in that situation who go quietly to their rooms are going to need therapy later in life.
I am out of this thread now.

She defo was being a spoilt brat though?!
8 year olds can’t behave like that, it’s appalling and verging on quite odd tbh. If my 6 year old did that I’d probably call them worse than that and if my 8 yo did id honestly think there was something wrong with them.
I think 5 is the limit for such behaviour.

Your advice is very sensible @billy1966 - I pretty much always agree with it.

I'd be pretty pissed off I have to say if an 8 year old told me to shut up. If I'd felt the urge to kick said 8 year old's arse though, I would have kept that thought in my head and not voiced it.

However @peachesandcreamz it sounds as if your boyfriend has little or no experience of being around children? Correct me if I'm wrong. Sounds like your DD is ok around him if she is comfortable with telling him to shut up though?

You definitely need to focus on your daughter for now.

Sorry for your miscarriage. I had one when my dcs were 7, 5 and 3 and it’s tough. I did a lot of sleeping and just told them I was ill. They were very nice to me.

Are you the op who’s DD wouldn’t go to bed unless you slept with her so make sure you couldn’t spend time with your dp and you nearly split up because you couldn’t see that she shouldn’t dictate your bedtime?

OP - so your boyfriend competes with your daughter for control of your time and your attention (that's what his 'getting annoyed' with her over bedtimes sounds like) and voices really nasty violent thoughts about her when she's rude to him (in a situation where she KNOWS something is very wrong with you, but doesn't know what, and you've sent her off with him)?

If I'm entirely honest - IIWY, the 'kick her arse' text would have been the instant end of the relationship. That's an expression of a desire to commit an extremely violent act against an 8yo, your child.

I think these comments are him showing who he is, and he's not someone your daughter is (emotionally or perhaps physically) safe with.

DP should leave and let you raise a monster on your own.

A securely attached, neurotypical, unstressed eight year old wouldn't behave that like. That is irrelevant to this situation. Because this sounds like an insecure, possibly ASD, very stressed little girl, who has an unrelated man in her own home who doesn't like her, and insulting her.

OP- how long have you and your boyfriend been together?
Are you sorting contraception?
I hope you're feeling better today.

I would start by ditching the boyfriend, and perhaps taking a parenting course.

I’m sorry OP but you sound very passive and perhaps a little blinkered re your daughter? You say it was in jest but you weren’t there and it sounds as if your partner was describing a very different type of behaviour. Sounds like she was being rude again.

Sounds like your partner isn’t coping very well with your child’s attitude right now, perhaps a frank chat about parenting styles, expectations and boundaries is in order?

But if I can be gently honest with you it does sound from your update that kiddo could do with some family rules and stricter boundaries. It reads like she’s a little challenging for others that don’t have that all consuming love us parents have for our children. And plus children thrive on order, boundaries, routine etc. It’ll probably do you all some good.

@Angelik

oh come off it!

she was acting like a brat! All kids do from
time to time!

Lots of NT children behave like absolute unhinged pests if they feel like it, I really find it offensive how insistent you are that this horrific behaviour is down to ND. Nothing OP has said is at all indicative of of an ASD diagnosis.

As an autistic woman it’s so frustrating to see this backwards attitude to ND all the time on mumsnet.

Sounds like a child being parented by someone who does need a parenting course. I would recommend BAP EPEC and 0-12 CNBIPB.

This is about language. The word meltdown is used wrongly so much. Implying ND when it's not there.

She detected things were right. She did get what she wanted she had tantrum.

From what the OP said Id very much doubt ND.

Id also suggest OP has stronger boundaries with her post this event. She's going to need them as she becomes a pre teen / teen

I'm sorry for your loss however.

Sorry for your loss OP, but you have all kinds of red flags waving here.

Your DC got upset because you weren't able to do baking with her as promised - understandable. Expressing emotions is important and she's allowed to be angry and/or upset.

Your DC knocked furniture over and smacked your phone out of your hand when you were trying to call her dad for help - not OK.

The fact you can't manage to calm/cope with your DC when she's upset without phoning for help - concerning.

The fact that she point blank refuses to respect you or listen to what she's being asked to do - not OK. (I don't agree with sending kids to their bedrooms as a punishment - but if you asked her to do that, she doesn't get to decide she's going to refuse).

Your DP calling your child a "spoilt brat" and saying he could "kick her arse" - absolutely fucking not. I have a DP who's not the bio father and he would not be in this house if he ever spoke about my DC like that.

For all the PP who think the DP was in the right, I think he was right to be annoyed with the DC but he didn't handle it the right way. I don't think it's ever acceptable to call a child names. You're modelling the way to behave and even if you're furious with a child, I don't think you should be calling them names. That just teaches them that if you're angry, it's OK to call other people names and be aggressive/unpleasant. And I get that it's hard and kids can push your buttons - but resorting to name-calling is just not OK ever, imo. And that coupled with his comment about wanting to "kick her arse" just because of a bit of back chat - I wouldn't see him as a life partner, and I wouldn't want him around my child.

I have autistic twins, one with high needs, and over the years, fuck me, it has been difficult at times. And I was a single mum for a large portion of those years. But I have never, ever said that I wanted to "kick their arse" and I've never called my DC names in the heat of anger. I wouldn't have anyone in the house who did either.

I feel sorry for your partner. Your daughter behaves appallingly and violently towards you when you are very ill. He tries to protect you by stepping in and calling her out on her behaviour and you kick him out of the house. You admit yourself that you are fiercely protective of your daughter and you don't allow your partner to parent her in any way. No wonder your daughter thinks she can behave like that. The fact that she thinks it's acceptable to tell the partner of her mother (a step parent in all but name) to 'shut up' is another example of how disrespectful she is of you and your partner. I would say your daughter has some serious issues and your partner is being extremely restrained under the circumstances. If I were in his position I think I would leave. You're not ready for a partner to fulfil the role of a father figure to your daughter whom you say has never had one as you and her father split when she was a new born, and whenever your daughter behaves badly to you or your partner, you punish him rather than discipline her. This doesn't sound like a functional relationship and I wouldn't be surprised if your partner feels disrespected, marginalised, unappreciated and scapegoated.

It’s not fair to say he’s unfit to be a father because he doesn’t enjoy being told to shut up when his girlfriend’s child does it. He didn’t tell her he wanted to kick her arse, it sounds like he sucked it up then offloaded to OP.

The things people call their own kids on here and are told “there, there, we’ve all done it” yet this man is branded a bully or whatever for telling her mum she’s being annoying.

If my step kids told me to shut up while I was doing DH a favour by taking them out I wouldn’t be doing it again. She’s expecting him to parent for her but he’s not allowed to comment when the child in his care is behaving badly.

The “yeah but it was in jest” is such a complete cop out. She wasn’t there so she doesn’t know and she presumably wouldn’t defend her DD speaking to a grandparent or teacher like that, just her boyfriend.

I'm not insistent it's due to neurodiversity- it's OP when said she had wondered re autism.

I think it's very likely this is a child with an insecure attachment due to the trauma of her parents splitting when she was only a few months old. Unless her parents had a completely mutually chosen, amicable, "conscious uncoupling" with a newborn, and perfectly co-parent with no issues- I suppose there's always a first time that could happen.

As so many posters saying "my 8 year olds wouldn't do that!" No, your securely attached, NT, non-stressed 8 year old wouldn't. This 8 year old did. Now either she's a complete psychopath who completely understood the situation, and had a "tantrum" to manipulate the adults into losing their shit... Or, she's a small child trying to communicate her distress, and the adults should control themselves, and model good management and containment of emotions.

I'm shocked by how many people here think the former option.

If a child in my care told me to "shut up", I would. They'd soon be annoyed I wouldn't talk to them! Natural consequences. It's a way to build executive functioning.

Threatening to kick their arse... That's not normal, or good parenting.

I think if you're happy with your child living with a partner of yours who isn't her father, you have to allow him to parent.

I don't think he did anything wrong. Children should be exposed to parents who are annoyed and upset with their behaviour, so they can learn from it.

I mean, sure, maybe she's actually traumatised and OP and her partner should be handling her with kid gloves. But maybe she's just behaving like a brat because she's tired and didn't get her own way. There's not always some deep reason behind bad behaviour.

I agree with others, that behaviour is not what I would expect from an 8 year old. I had to re-read your post to confirm your DD is in fact 8 as it sounded like the behaviour of a 2 year old.

Your DP is likely feeling bad that he said it but I think what he said sounds pretty accurate tbf.

@emilytheresponsibleone The OP has already said that her DD is not traumatised over the split. It happened when DD was a few months old and she's known no other way. The co-parenting is also amicable. There is no need to make excuses for the girl that is even her 'fiercely protective' mother isn't making.

And he didn't 'threaten' to kick her arse. It was a figure of speech whereby he was venting to the OP after being told to shut up by his partner's child.

I don't parent my traumatised children with "kid gloves", and that's not what I advocate. I parent using methods that work well for all children, with respect and love. I have birth and adopted children.

I use PLACE - playful, loving, accepting, curious and empathetic. And use natural consequences.

I'm not advocating some sort of hands off parenting. I'm advocating what you'd get taught on a parenting course. I'm advocating de-escalation, understanding, helping children build their neural pathways.

I don't advocate any adults "losing their shit", name calling, or threatening to "kick a child up the arse."

the girl that is even her -> the girl that even her