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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset. DP called DD this

527 replies

peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 18:38

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

OP posts:
Eeaieeaioh · 19/03/2023 12:44

I actually think calling a child a spoilt brat is awful. ‘Spoilt’ is not something you can fix. Spoiled food goes in the bin and it inedible. When something spoils your day you never get that day back. So calling a child ´spoilt’ is nit giving them a chance to make things better. I thought ´name the behavior not the child’ was pretty commonly acknowledged to be a good idea but apparently not?
OP, I’m sorry you’re having such an awful time.
I think sending your partner away was the right thing to do. When is her next contact time with her dad? Can you discuss with your partner your expectations for how to deal with your eldest daughter? If he’s going to be a permanent feature he needs to have a little bit of authority over her even though he’s not going to necessarily be taking on a parental type role- like the authority you’d give a nanny or a babysitter.

ToBeFrancesca · 19/03/2023 12:59

zingally · 19/03/2023 11:33

8 is way too old to throw a temper tantrum over some baking attempt.

Let's call a spade a spade. She WAS being a brat.

Do you honestly think the OP's DD was actually having a tantrum about baking?

I despair.

This thread is immensely sad. How can children possibly be expected to learn to handle big feelings if they have parents who think that shouting at the child is an appropriate way to respond to stress/upset/anxiety? Or are children just not allowed to feel upset and frightened, because (as in the OP's case) the big adult man has 'bagged' those feelings for himself and thinks it's okay to take them out on a child who's entirely unrelated to him?

Some of the comments on this thread are absolutely disgusting.

Original poster
peachesandcreamz · 19/03/2023 13:07

Hi all. I haven’t read every single post but I wanted to clarify some things.

DD has never known a time when me and her dad were together as we broke up when she was a few months old. Since then, we’ve had an amicable relationship and co-parent effectively, despite him living a couple of hours away. I called him because he usually calms her down and I was desperate.

DP’s relationship with DD is generally good but he can sometimes lack patience with her. Even before the incident yesterday, I asked him if he would take DD to the shop with him just so I could try and have some rest. He reluctantly took her and she was apparently backchatting, at which point he messaged me to say “she’s just told me to shut up. I could kick her arse”.

I know DD and I know that the “shut-up” although not acceptable, would have been in jest. She’s used to him and her having quite a child-like relationship where they mess around and play fight etc.

In the past, he’s got annoyed with her with regards to bedtime because she used to be a terrible sleeper. It caused a lot of friction and it was uncomfortable for all of us to live like that. She had a fear of missing out and he wanted time with me. I felt like I was in the middle of it.

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 19/03/2023 13:37

ToBeFrancesca · 19/03/2023 12:59

Do you honestly think the OP's DD was actually having a tantrum about baking?

I despair.

This thread is immensely sad. How can children possibly be expected to learn to handle big feelings if they have parents who think that shouting at the child is an appropriate way to respond to stress/upset/anxiety? Or are children just not allowed to feel upset and frightened, because (as in the OP's case) the big adult man has 'bagged' those feelings for himself and thinks it's okay to take them out on a child who's entirely unrelated to him?

Some of the comments on this thread are absolutely disgusting.

Show quote history

@ToBeFrancesca

I completely agree.

I just hope those that are saying it’s fine don’t have children themselves or work with them.

An adult calling a child names because she’s disregulated and not able to control her emotions like an adult is awful.

I wonder how many adults would cry over their holiday being cancelled, not having enough money to pay the bills or their partner leaving them.
In the grand scheme of things these are minor issues but at the time you would feel like it’s the biggest deal in the world.

We are humans and it’s ok to show emotions.
Children haven’t yet learnt how to properly deal with their emotions and therefore show them differently to how we would as adults.

girlfriend44 · 19/03/2023 13:40

When I saw the headline I thought it was going to be something really serious he called her.

Emmamoo89 · 19/03/2023 13:41

She was being a brat

samqueens · 19/03/2023 13:42

Hi OP - just saw your update… I would question whether this guy is great father material and, even more, whether he would be able to treat your DD and his own child equally (or whether he would just call both of them names and leave you carrying the load). I’d also question whether he is ready to live in a household with children full time… good luck

MichelleScarn · 19/03/2023 13:44

So her rudeness and 'shut up' is ok and in jest, but if he responds similarly then he gets told to leave?

MavisMcMinty · 19/03/2023 13:50

She still sounds like a brat from your update, OP.

It’s great that you’re on her side, but she sounds quite hard for your partner to like or love, and your carelessness about how she behaves - I know DD and I know that the “shut-up” although not acceptable, would have been in jest - isn’t making her any more likeable.

LexMitior · 19/03/2023 13:52

Accurately described. She is 8. I feel sorry for your partner, who must be frustrated at how passive you are. I do understand you must feel very emotional at this time but don't channel those feelings into having a go at him for this.

Bandanadrama · 19/03/2023 13:55

I think I'd have called her far worse.

AllOfThemWitches · 19/03/2023 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ToBeFrancesca · 19/03/2023 14:01

Bandanadrama · 19/03/2023 13:55

I think I'd have called her far worse.

That's parenting nailed, then. Teach your children how to behave by modelling truly awful behaviour.

SparklingLime · 19/03/2023 14:09

"he messaged me to say “she’s just told me to shut up. I could kick her arse”."

This is worse imo. Although not shared with her, his attitude towards your DD is awful.

Ameadowwalk · 19/03/2023 14:10

peachesandcreamz · 19/03/2023 13:07

Hi all. I haven’t read every single post but I wanted to clarify some things.

DD has never known a time when me and her dad were together as we broke up when she was a few months old. Since then, we’ve had an amicable relationship and co-parent effectively, despite him living a couple of hours away. I called him because he usually calms her down and I was desperate.

DP’s relationship with DD is generally good but he can sometimes lack patience with her. Even before the incident yesterday, I asked him if he would take DD to the shop with him just so I could try and have some rest. He reluctantly took her and she was apparently backchatting, at which point he messaged me to say “she’s just told me to shut up. I could kick her arse”.

I know DD and I know that the “shut-up” although not acceptable, would have been in jest. She’s used to him and her having quite a child-like relationship where they mess around and play fight etc.

In the past, he’s got annoyed with her with regards to bedtime because she used to be a terrible sleeper. It caused a lot of friction and it was uncomfortable for all of us to live like that. She had a fear of missing out and he wanted time with me. I felt like I was in the middle of it.

in other words, he lacks patience and ‘could kick her arse’ when she backchats in what you describe as a normal jesting way. You ‘get’ your child and he doesn’t. Sorry. I know most people are on the DP’s side here, but you also describe a situation where there was conflict because she wasn’t sleeping properly. When there are children from a previous relationship, they come first. Yes, her sleep needed sorted but because that is best for her and you. He could have had time with you when she was at her dad’s.
Sorry, and I know I sound harsh because you have just had a miscarriage, but if he takes your DD to the shop ‘reluctantly’ and says thinks like he could kick her arse and she is a spoilt brat when you are both under pressure physically and emotionally, he’s not going to cope with the stresses of a newborn and her trying to adjust to this. He’s going to zero in on everything he perceived as wrong with her behaviour and you will be in the middle again.

beastlyslumber · 19/03/2023 14:11

He sounds awfully, OP. He shouldn't be making you feel caught between him and your little girl. Your daughter deserves better.

No wonder she's struggling with her emotions, she must feel so unsafe around this horrible man who can't control his temper.

fUNNYfACE36 · 19/03/2023 14:22

If you look on YouTube Buddhist monks have very good advice about how to cope with big emotions and how to teach children to do the same.

GenuineNine · 19/03/2023 14:28

Sapphire387 · 18/03/2023 18:40

Sounds like she was being a spoilt little brat tbh.

Agree

LawyerMumAsia · 19/03/2023 14:30

Hello, I have an 8 year old and I feel very sad reading these comments. She is 8. Don’t we all remember a time when we overreacted over certain events even as adults? Some 8 year olds have mood swings and haven’t learned how to control them yet.

caringcarer · 19/03/2023 14:32

Sorry you lost your baby OP. At 8, your dd should be able to be more empathetic if she is told Mummy is not feeling well she will bake with you another day. Unless she has learning disability I'd think she is being a brat too. Your partner was trying to be protective of you and you sent him away. He lost his baby too. My foster son has learning disability but would not have reacted as badly as your dd did. He would be told I was feeling too poorly to bake and he would likely offer me a drink and a cuddle and agree we could bake another day.

caringcarer · 19/03/2023 14:32

Sorry you lost your baby OP. At 8, your dd should be able to be more empathetic if she is told Mummy is not feeling well she will bake with you another day. Unless she has learning disability I'd think she is being a brat too. Your partner was trying to be protective of you and you sent him away. He lost his baby too. My foster son has learning disability but would not have reacted as badly as your dd did. He would be told I was feeling too poorly to bake and he would likely offer me a drink and a cuddle and agree we could bake another day.

billy1966 · 19/03/2023 14:33

Sorry for your loss but sort out your contraception properly as it isn't in yours or your daughters interests for you to have another unplanned pregnancy.

Your relationship isn't stable.

This is not a man that should be moving in.

You have a child that has issues that need support and attention.

That should be your focus.

He is not able for her challenging behaviour and moving him into your home and an unplanned baby would be an unmitigated disaster for all involved.

Highly unlikely the relationship would survive.

You need to be a lot more responsible and focus on the child you have.

Otherwise the teen years will be hellish and your daughter will pay a very high price.

Jazzabel · 19/03/2023 14:36

To be honest op it sounds like used to getting her own way with both of you. Why can’t you get her to calm down without her dad’s involvement?

Jazzabel · 19/03/2023 14:37

Jazzabel · 19/03/2023 14:36

To be honest op it sounds like used to getting her own way with both of you. Why can’t you get her to calm down without her dad’s involvement?

That should read “she’s used to getting her own way”

fUNNYfACE36 · 19/03/2023 14:39

emilytheresponsibleone · 19/03/2023 11:19

This- high emotion from adults, unexplained, is scary. Having your parent crying and in pain is scary. She sounds scared.

Show quote history

Yeah , that doesn't give her justification for throwing furniture about.