So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

‘Stop being so aggressive?’

You were being both aggressive and
judgemental throwing out terms like “trauma” (when you have not basis for doing so) and calling OP’s partner a “random man”.

There is nothing inherently traumatic with having two parents who are not together. I grew up in a nuclear family and can assure you that was traumatic.

I am not being aggressive and haven’t expressed any lack of empathy for OP’s child. I think the DP was wrong to call her names. I also think her behaviour was not normal for 8 years old and not acceptable.

Same!

Exactly. Thank you for this

you might want to reflect. -
@emilytheresponsibleone

I'd forget all the psychobabble, and look at the reality.

You and your DP are, understandably, feeling stressed and upset.

Your DD threw a massive tantrum, and DP shouted at her to stop her screaming at you.

She was acting like a spoilt brat, and needs to understand that it is not acceptable.😗

I agree if she does not normally act so badly then I think the reason why needs looking at LATER. But in the moment she needs to have consequences to such terrible behaviour. She needs firm boundaries as well as understanding.

Living with domestic abuse is considered an ACE.

I'm sorry for your trauma. Maybe that's why you lack empathy with a child?

Unfortunately,as this poster said, she's driving a wedge between you and your partner and this behaviour will be more common as it is successful.

At 8 this isn't really normal behaviour, if I told my dd when she was 8 she'd be upset, but wanting to help mummy (now she's a teen it's different!).

Your DP is probably grieving just as much as you are, but having to do the "manly" thing and trying to put on a brave face on it. That's why the overreaction.

I don’t though.

I think it’s bizarre that you are accusing me of lacking empathy. You are the one who sent a rude, unkind and judgemental response to the OP, which failed to even acknowledge that she was currently experiencing a miscarriage.

Being unhappy in a way that may negatively impact a child doesn’t necessarily equate to abuse. The world is just a lot more complicated than these boxes you want to put it in.

I think mumsnet is so full of black and white thinking. Seeing my mum cry when I was a kid used to actually frighten me. All kids are different. No, this 8yo child didn't behave well on this apparently rare occasion. So what?

Sounds like he is right, also sounds like you need to get a grip on how to handle your child rather than asking your partner to come over to parent a child that is not his and then get backlash for it.

Plus, she's a kid, she has that excuse. If you're a grown adult laying into a struggling woman on an internet forum, you have no excuses.

Completely inappropriate of me but I really laughed at this comment.

I do agree OP at 8 carrying on like this is unacceptable she was acting like a spoiled brat and he said it like it was at that time.

Sorry for your loss.

Yes it is? Where’s the reference to this situation? No one is experiencing domestic abuse in this post?

People are saying "but it can be traumatising when parents stay together!" I'm agreeing - many things can be ACEs. Separated parents is one. This little girl is going through ACEs, and deserves patience, understanding, and empathy when her mum is ill and been crying all day. She does not deserve to be called a brat for not coping.

This- high emotion from adults, unexplained, is scary. Having your parent crying and in pain is scary. She sounds scared.

8 is way too old to throw a temper tantrum over some baking attempt.

Let's call a spade a spade. She WAS being a brat.

Agreed!

Yeah that’s true. I think people are just pointing out that separated parents isn’t always an adverse experience. She definitely deserves empathy but also needs boundaries as lashing out at that age isn’t age appropriate even when facing big emotions. The DP calling her a brat isn’t great either. I think it’s a bad situation and they’ve all over reacted to be honest, hopefully the family can talk it out together and apologise and move forward.

She's 8. A child.

I wonder how different the comments would be if it was an 8 year old boy having a meltdown and his dad's girlfriend who lost her shit and called him names?

At least ask yourselves why you expect more emotional continence from an 8 year old girl than you do from a fully grown man.

Yes, and apparently the man's allowed to 'lose his shit', but the 8yo child isn't. Or, as beastlyslumber puts it, 'At least ask yourselves why you expect more emotional continence from an 8 year old girl than you do from a fully grown man.'

Alongside the lack of nuanced thinking, there's a lot of harshness towards children on MN these days. The demand for children to hold it together emotionally better than the adults do seems quite self-serving somehow (and, as an aside, sits oddly with the (often equally self-serving) massive anxiety you often see on here about giving children a radius of independence. An 8yo is considered 'far, far too young' to walk a few houses down the road to a friend's, but is expected to show no emotions and effectively soothe the mother when faced with a bewildering and frightening situation at home).

Being the least worst option doesn't stop something being an adverse experience.

Are you an 8 year old child?

YABU. I'd have told her myself she was being a spoilt brat. If she was 2, fair enough, but at 8 she should have some empathy if you're ill and help out a bit, not have a tantrum if she doesn't get her way. Some kids are young carers at that age, all you did was tell her you were feeling ill and couldn't bake with her.