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Original poster

So upset. DP called DD this

527 replies

peachesandcreamz · 18/03/2023 18:38

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

OP posts:
bellabasset · 18/03/2023 23:49

I'm sorry you're having such a miserable time with a miscarriage. When things calm down you need to talk to your ex about your dd. If you think she's got any sort of disability then for her sake now is the time to get her assessed. You need to agree how to treat tantrums and your dp has to be on board.

ladykale · 18/03/2023 23:53

Why do people assume children have autism because they are properly behaved.

Do you set boundaries?

The fact you are upset she was called a spoilt brat when acting like one suggests not...

MoreSleepPleasee · 18/03/2023 23:59

She's 8 and behaves like that.... She is a brat op. Nothing wrong with that, I over spoilt mine too. But your partners correct. Time to get stricter with her it seems.

MoreSleepPleasee · 19/03/2023 00:00

ladykale · 18/03/2023 23:53

Why do people assume children have autism because they are properly behaved.

Do you set boundaries?

The fact you are upset she was called a spoilt brat when acting like one suggests not...

Agree, my autistic child did not do that.

sammyjoanne · 19/03/2023 00:04

Sorry for your loss. With your DD its definitely time to set up some bounderies. having her privileges taken away when she behaves like that. The bigger the tantrum, the bigger/longer the privilege is taken away. I had this with my daughter and it eventually phased out as she got older.

Fromwetome · 19/03/2023 00:12

Probably reacting because there is some strange man in her house that doesn't live with her or her mum and suddenly he is shouting horrible things at her.

Sometimeswinning · 19/03/2023 00:30

Fromwetome · 19/03/2023 00:12

Probably reacting because there is some strange man in her house that doesn't live with her or her mum and suddenly he is shouting horrible things at her.

Not really. He was annoyed after the meltdown. Also do you expect the op to never meet or introduce a new partner into her family?

CJsGoldfish · 19/03/2023 00:44

Because when a child is acting like that it's the adults job to de escalate things, not make it worse by name calling
Threatening to/calling her father would have made things 100% worse and ensured that everyone was past escalation. It's one of those tactics that is used but really shouldn't be. For many reasons.

Has she never seen you unwell or sad OP? Everyone is clearly assuming she hasn't. Surely, at 8 she has been exposed to such things before? Yes, for you it's a traumatic event, for her, it's mum not feeling well/sad.

In this case the boyfriend should have been able to step up and offer to bake with her when you said you couldn't. Especially if you are wanting children together.
For all those saying he's had a loss as well, sure. Maybe. We actually don't know anything about the actual situation. They could have been together 5 minutes and he wasn't thrilled about a baby. Either way, he's not the one in physical pain so should have put his grief, if he is grieving, aside to protect the OP from any further upset.

I don't think anyone acted well. Understandably. There are lessons to be learnt but not right now.

MysteryBelle · 19/03/2023 00:54

StepAwayFromGoogling · 18/03/2023 23:05

Christ there are really fucking horrible women on MN now. You should never call a child names. Ever. You can call them out for their behaviour but a child acting in the moment like a spoilt brat does not make them a spoilt brat. There's a HUGE difference between 'you are being nasty' and 'you are nasty'. Can't believe so few people seem to be able to grasp that.

Clearly DD was upset because mummy was upset all day. She thought you were going to do something nice together that would have cheered you up and healed the tense atmosphere that I imagine was in the house. When that was taken away she had a meltdown, I imagine because she was scared. She doesn't understand why you're crying. She doesn't understand why you're ill. She just wants her mummy back. She was going to get her mummy back to do some baking with. And then she wasn't. So she got really upset. And called a spoilt brat. Poor kid.

You broke your own rule. You called us all ‘horrible women’. So you called us a name and you didn’t say we were acting horrible but that we’re horrible people. You lectured us in the same breath as doing the thing you were lecturing us about 😀😂

MysteryBelle · 19/03/2023 00:55

88% agree with dp.

potentialmediator · 19/03/2023 01:09

I don’t get being harsh on either of them? Your daughter’s behaviour was really bad but who on earth would think it’s just due to wanting her own way, being spoilt and demanding baking? far more likely she’s really unsettled because you’re not right, she doesn’t get why, and the fact you couldn’t bake with her was evidence of this and pushed loads of feelings over the edge.

Same with your DP, he’s emotional, her behaviour was unacceptable- he absolutely should have said “behaving like” not “you ARE” but he wasn’t handling things great either, just reacting in the moment to bad behaviour and clumsily protecting you.

As PP’s have said if there’s an ongoing dynamic - being “fiercely protective” and not letting him discipline behaviour that needs to be addressed, you really need to have a chat going forwards. the fact you haven’t done this yet may be contributing to her being dysregulated and acting out.

Im so sorry for your loss and not being able to have lots of space to grieve. I hope you heal and things work out, and this episode gives you a chance to look at the dynamic between you 3 and any changes that would help.

Usernameisunavailable · 19/03/2023 06:37

It’s weird that you are more bothered by your DP calling your child a spoiled brat, which she certainly sounds like, than your child’s awful behaviour. Having a ‘meltdown’ over not being able to do baking when your mother is clearly unwell is not normal 8-year-old behaviour. Either she is a completely spoiled brat who needs bringing in line, or she has some undiagnosed needs which need addressing urgently.

BungleandGeorge · 19/03/2023 08:23

You haven’t told her what’s going on just that you have tummy ache ( which most people would just continue as normal). You say she can do an activity and then refuse. She gets upset, you then escalate the problem, start getting other people involved. Many adults aren’t that sympathetic to someone with a ‘tummy ache’ and you think it’s unusual for an 8 year old not to nurse you. You partner also escalated the situation. What de-escalation techniques do you have? It’s understandable that you may be having a difficult time but if you’re unable to parent her at the moment the best thing is to get her dad or someone else to have her for a couple of days. Nothing of what you say screams ND, she’s probably just confused, in the dark about what’s happening and trying to cope with having a step parent.

starfish4517 · 19/03/2023 08:27

Xrays · 18/03/2023 18:41

Well it’s not great but it’s not the worst thing anyone could have said. It was said when you were all very upset and angry. What’s he normally like with her?

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It sounds like dd is just picking up on the atmosphere, which you can’t help, but I think she was just obviously excited about baking as from a child’s point of view she probably thought that would “fix things”. (I remember being that child in a very similar situation).

This with bells on!

Tandora · 19/03/2023 08:47

MynameisJune · 18/03/2023 20:55

Someone please enlighten me why it’s okay for a grown man to ‘lose his shit’ at a CHILD but when the child, who arguably isn’t going to be great at dealing with their feelings all the time also loses their shit then that’s terrible and she’s a brat.

Why are we holding an 8 year old CHILD up to higher standards than that of an adult?

Absolutely fucking baffling and some comments on here about a child are obscene.

This is a false comparison.
OP’s DP did not start screaming hysterically , throwing furniture around etc , because she refused to cook with him. If he did , that would obviously be infinitely worse than an 8 year old doing it, and I would suggest calling the police as an appropriate response.

DP crossed the line in what he said to DD, but DD’s behaviour was also shocking.

Tandora · 19/03/2023 08:54

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 18/03/2023 22:13

@emilytheresponsibleone how do you know the separation was a trauma? My DSD has had separated/divorced parents from being a few months old. She doesn’t remember any other life. Literally no trauma whatsoever 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep the amount of judgement on this thread is despicable.

Tandora · 19/03/2023 08:56

emilytheresponsibleone · 18/03/2023 22:17

Having separated parents is considered an adverse childhood experience.

Just because some children are resilient doesn't stop it being a trauma. And just because some children appear to cope doesn't mean all children can.

There's nothing wrong with me- I'm a good parent. As is OP by the sounds of it. What's wrong with you?

What’s wrong with you is you are ridiculously judgemental. The world doesn’t revolve around your nuclear bubble.

emilytheresponsibleone · 19/03/2023 09:16

@Tandora I'm an adopter. I'm so far out of any bubble. I just understand parenting children with trauma, (and separated parents is considered an adverse childhood experience) and I'm trained to parent empathetically.

Stop being so aggressive.

This child needs empathy. It's strange that rather than wanting to understand that children need help and understanding, you react with aggression.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 19/03/2023 09:16

Tandora · 19/03/2023 08:56

What’s wrong with you is you are ridiculously judgemental. The world doesn’t revolve around your nuclear bubble.

Show quote history

Yep! Having studied ACES as part of my
Masters thesis, I can tell you that they are not a one size fits all. Many children are traumatised by unhappy parents staying together. Also the death of a parent wasn’t one of the original ACES (unless they died by suicide!) but a divorce was 🤔 so we need to consider whether or not the ACES were formulated through a nuclear family lens!

MynameisJune · 19/03/2023 09:16

Tandora · 19/03/2023 08:47

This is a false comparison.
OP’s DP did not start screaming hysterically , throwing furniture around etc , because she refused to cook with him. If he did , that would obviously be infinitely worse than an 8 year old doing it, and I would suggest calling the police as an appropriate response.

DP crossed the line in what he said to DD, but DD’s behaviour was also shocking.

Show quote history

That’s bullshit. The DP lost his shit, that’s the OP’s words. To me that’s not him just telling her DD she was acting like a brat. That’s him shouting and screaming at her. I’d bet money on which one happened.

ancientgran · 19/03/2023 09:21

MynameisJune · 19/03/2023 09:16

That’s bullshit. The DP lost his shit, that’s the OP’s words. To me that’s not him just telling her DD she was acting like a brat. That’s him shouting and screaming at her. I’d bet money on which one happened.

Show quote history

We all know the only winner with betting is the bookie.

AllOfThemWitches · 19/03/2023 09:32

Christ I feel sorry for the kids of some mumsnetters.

TrashyPanda · 19/03/2023 09:34

Let’s not forget that after being told “no”, DD:

screamed at top of lungs
screeched and talked to her mother like shit
knocked over chair
went for mobile phone
refused to go to room

that is a sustained tantrum for any age. Very worrying for an 8 year old to be so out of control

it sounds as if she seldom hears the word “no”

AllOfThemWitches · 19/03/2023 09:35

Having a ‘meltdown’ over not being able to do baking when your mother is clearly unwell is not normal 8-year-old behaviour.

So what if it's not? Hasn't OP said she suspects Autism? My autistic 10yo would be triggered by less.

Divorcedalongtime · 19/03/2023 09:52

Christ I feel sorry for the kids of some mumsnetters

@AllOfThemWitches

Totally this. And shocked

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