So upset. DP called DD this

[peachesandcreamz]

Hello,

For a bit of context, I’m currently going through a miscarriage and I’ve been feeling absolutely shit and tired/weepy all day. DD (8) wanted to bake which I said I’d do but I felt so poorly I couldn’t face it.

DD had the biggest meltdown, started screaming at the top of her lungs, knocked the dining chair over, ragged my phone out of my hand (I was calling her dad to get some support).

DP is obviously trying to support me and hated seeing DD screech at me and talk to me like shit. He lost his patience with her and called her a “spoilt little brat” 😢. This then made things a hell of a lot worse, and DD was even more hysterical. I tried getting her to go to her room which she point blank refused and things just escalated from there, which riled DP even more. I just cried and felt despair.

Obviously DP isn’t DD’s dad. We don’t live together and I said I think it’s best if he goes home for the night.

I’m annoyed with DD for reacting so badly but at the same time, she has no idea what I’m going through. It wasn’t DP’s place to lose his shit with her, was it?

What the fuck is wrong with you.

If she was mine and refused to go to bed, I would have left her to it, and gone to bed myself.

Fuck me, I though he was gonna have called her a cunt.

Jesus christ.

Having separated parents is considered an adverse childhood experience.

Just because some children are resilient doesn't stop it being a trauma. And just because some children appear to cope doesn't mean all children can.

There's nothing wrong with me- I'm a good parent. As is OP by the sounds of it. What's wrong with you?

DP is grieving too, not an unreasonable thing to say in the circumstances.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with you. And that poster's extreme rudeness was completely unwarranted.

I think your DD was not really a brat at all, in spite of her awful behaviour, but very, very upset because of what you were going though.

Ditto, your DP.

It was all a perfect storm, so there was nothing unreasonable about what he said under the circumstances.

On the other hand, he should not talk like this to her again. She is very young, you are her special mum, he is not her father.

100% she was being a brat, and he was fair to say so.

You’re more upsets about DP calling end a spilt little brat than her acting like a spoilt little brat? Get your priority right.

I agree with @discobrain . Unless there's SEN or more to it. Yes, she was disappointed cause she couldn't bake with her Mum, but she should have accepted it when it was obvious that her Mum wasn't well.

Well the trouble with that argument is that the OP says her DD can blow up like this in general.
if this behaviour was completely out of character I’d agree with you but it isn’t.

She was disappointed at not baking with mum after her mum was crying all day.

Being eight, and either knowing your mum is having a miscarriage, or your mum is crying and ill, and you don't know why- that is so scary.

This little girl sounds scared. Then it's all too much when she can't do the one thing mum has promised to make her feel better. Then mum goes to "report her" or tell tales to her dad- is mum going to send her away? Is mum really ill? She could be worried about rejection, if she knows mum was pregnant, whether the new baby and new man will replace her.

There is so much more here than a tantrum because she couldn't do baking.

It sounds like there was high emotion in the house before she had her meltdown. High emotion from the adults. Kids aren't stupid, but they're kids, and react childishly.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, this is the last thing you need!

I think you need to take a good look at his relationship with your child. He's showing his true colours here, and those are that he has little patience for kids who are upset and not acting how he perceives they should be acting.

My guess is, it will go one of two ways.. if you try again with him and have his baby he will either treat both kids the same and be a horrible father/step father or he will treat your child differently and exclude her.

I would not being having this man around my child. I would also take this as a snap shot into the future and be grateful that you saw this change in him before it was too late.

He wasn’t wrong.

He’s lost the baby too.

He shouldn't have called her that to her face. He is an adult, he needs to control his temper.

In children, behaviour is communication. She knows you are ill. She knows you are so ill that you can't bake with her. Maybe that frightens her. Then you called her father (to take her away?) and it made her worse. Then your grown-up adult boyfriend loses his temper with her and calls her names. The child must be in a right state after all that.

If I was acting like a brat my mum would tell me so. It was rare and it made me think, "yeah maybe my behaviour is unacceptable. Huh"

I think there's a lot of patterns and behaviour as from all of you that led to this moment. When you're ina better place it may be worth having some bigger parenting conversations w DP and also having a plan about how to deal with her behaviour when it's like this.

Christ there are really fucking horrible women on MN now. You should never call a child names. Ever. You can call them out for their behaviour but a child acting in the moment like a spoilt brat does not make them a spoilt brat. There's a HUGE difference between 'you are being nasty' and 'you are nasty'. Can't believe so few people seem to be able to grasp that.

Clearly DD was upset because mummy was upset all day. She thought you were going to do something nice together that would have cheered you up and healed the tense atmosphere that I imagine was in the house. When that was taken away she had a meltdown, I imagine because she was scared. She doesn't understand why you're crying. She doesn't understand why you're ill. She just wants her mummy back. She was going to get her mummy back to do some baking with. And then she wasn't. So she got really upset. And called a spoilt brat. Poor kid.

She threw a chair and tried to rip the phone out of her mother's hand. That's totally unacceptable and letting it go isn't doing her any favours either.

Hi. How long have you been with DP? Does your child have any SEN challenges?
Thats really not acceptable that he talks to your child like that \

The world has literally gone mad when an adult can't call out a child for being a brat without a backlash.

But she was being a spoilt little brat. She is 8, that is far too old to be throwing tantrums over not getting to bake. To be absolutely honest I am impressed he was restrained enough just to call her a brat and nothing worse as she ragged your phone about and knocked chairs over - that’s disgraceful behaviour and whilst I appreciate the dynamic is sensitive he was perfectly reasonable to step in when a child is behaving that way.

🙄🙄🙄

I think there is more here.
An 8 yr old child is struggling with their emotions, throwing a chair is a behaviour caused by something that has happened before the incident.

I have been there with this. Was blinded by it.
Met my Ex when my DD's were 4 and 6, had a lovely time most of the time but then went on holiday with his parents, him and my girls probably aged 7 and 9. My Ex acted like a child, kicking off all the time about my 7yr olds behaviour, it was awful. He threw his wedding ring across the caravan!

I also work n early years and am senco and think childrens behaviours a lot more in depth.

If your P has been involved in your daughter's life for a few years then I think thats acceptable but anything less you need to be thinking of your child x

If my 7yo DD (who has an autism diagnosis) acted like that then I'd be calling her a spoiled brat as well!!