Page 7 | At a kids birthday party today … so awful

Rainbowdusting · 2023-03-18T13:04:11+00:00

I’m at a kid’s birthday party with my 4 year old. It’s a little girl from his class. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but no one is talking to me. All the mums (and some dads) are chatting together, I feel like crying. It’s horrible. I smile and I’m nice to people, but no one wants to know. I don’t understand it. My son is on the ASD pathway, so I’m not sure if that’s why. I absolutely hate school pick up and drop off but at least it’s really quick and it’s over and done with within a few minutes. This is the two hours and my head is banging now 😭

Lottie9994 · 20/03/2023 12:08

Help! :( pregnant with listeria worry

I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and I went out to a pub for food last night and ate coleslaw with my meal , I started feeling sick about 4/5 hours later and still do now and just read this morning that I’m not supposed to have coleslaw! I’m really worried I’ve got something like listeria. I have now been reading up on it and freaking out as it can even not have an effect on baby till 30 days later causing death
Don’t know what to do

redmillhouse · 20/03/2023 13:46

I have read back through the thread, to see if I've missed some major thing.
OP's son is 4, so I presume started school in September.
Op says she has tried to talk to people (I don't know if at school or at the party) but hasn't got much back.
I believe her, but to be honest I'm reading this as the Op has approached some parents on a few occasions, already feeling tense about the whole situation and afterwards is left feeling worse than before because she didn't happen to meet people straight away open to friendship. Same with the one occasion when she suggested meeting with her son's friend.
The school people she speaks to the most are two mums, but they weren't present at the party.
My point is this. When you have an sort of anxiety, even a seemingly small thing can be interpreted in a drastic way, and can easily put you off trying. Trying to organise a play date type thing was probably a big deal for her, but she shouldn't presume it was personal when it didn't work out.
I am an anxious driver, and a thing of no consequence(to an average driver) like someone beeping at you, or there being a diversion, can easily make me feel really crap and useless. I don't think it's helpful to start saying to me that it's every one else's fault and people shouldn't be allowed to beep at you or that someone else should have forewarned me of the diversion etc.
I have to accept that I am not a confident driver, I probably won't ever be amazing, but if I want to carry on, I need to do my best to address my own issues.
If you find social situations difficult then kids parties and social chit chat with people you don't know well are never going to be something you look forward to. This however in no means implies that the other people present are rude or hostile to you, simply because they don't alleviate your anxiety by going out of their way to include you. They probably have no idea you are anxious. Why should they presume this, rather than you find kids parties boring, or you have other things you'd rather be doing. In the same way I can't expect other drivers to be more patient than normal around me. They will be going about their business, I 'm not the centre of their world.

ReadersD1gest · 20/03/2023 13:48

redmillhouse · 20/03/2023 13:46

I have read back through the thread, to see if I've missed some major thing.
OP's son is 4, so I presume started school in September.
Op says she has tried to talk to people (I don't know if at school or at the party) but hasn't got much back.
I believe her, but to be honest I'm reading this as the Op has approached some parents on a few occasions, already feeling tense about the whole situation and afterwards is left feeling worse than before because she didn't happen to meet people straight away open to friendship. Same with the one occasion when she suggested meeting with her son's friend.
The school people she speaks to the most are two mums, but they weren't present at the party.
My point is this. When you have an sort of anxiety, even a seemingly small thing can be interpreted in a drastic way, and can easily put you off trying. Trying to organise a play date type thing was probably a big deal for her, but she shouldn't presume it was personal when it didn't work out.
I am an anxious driver, and a thing of no consequence(to an average driver) like someone beeping at you, or there being a diversion, can easily make me feel really crap and useless. I don't think it's helpful to start saying to me that it's every one else's fault and people shouldn't be allowed to beep at you or that someone else should have forewarned me of the diversion etc.
I have to accept that I am not a confident driver, I probably won't ever be amazing, but if I want to carry on, I need to do my best to address my own issues.
If you find social situations difficult then kids parties and social chit chat with people you don't know well are never going to be something you look forward to. This however in no means implies that the other people present are rude or hostile to you, simply because they don't alleviate your anxiety by going out of their way to include you. They probably have no idea you are anxious. Why should they presume this, rather than you find kids parties boring, or you have other things you'd rather be doing. In the same way I can't expect other drivers to be more patient than normal around me. They will be going about their business, I 'm not the centre of their world.

Very insightful post.

ShirleyPhallus · 20/03/2023 14:06

@redmillhouse brilliant post, you sound lovely

user1492757084 · 20/03/2023 14:22

Keep introducing yourself. New parents are often in your situation and would like you welcoming them in conversation.
Also ask the parents if there is any specific issue with your son that you don't know about.
Maybe the school is not keeping you abreast of child's behaviour.

reddwarfgeek · 20/03/2023 14:47

This is me too! I'm no good at cliques at school or kids parties. I'm pretty socially awkward aswell.
I chat to the other people sat on their own or start chatting to the dads instead. They seem to be friendlier. Smile and say hello and say "Your X ' mum /dad aren't you? I'm X's mum. They look like they are having fun". Or words to that effect.
At my DD's party I made sure to chat to the parents especially ones sat alone. However not everyone is like this.
When it comes to mums in the group, some won't notice at all, some won't care. Some people are rude, some no good at making conversation or plain don't want to.
Don't take it personally, I'm sure it isn't your son either.
Hope the parties improve for you in future.

JudgeRudy · 20/03/2023 14:49

BevMarsh · 18/03/2023 13:07

How rude of them.
Is your ds enjoying himself?
I've been there OP and it's really awful. If you've made the effort but got nowhere then find a seat and talk to us.

It's not necessarily rude, it's just not kind. Doesn't mean it's unkind though.

Infradoug · 21/03/2023 11:05

I think you make a number of valid points redmillhouse, and I agree it is important to recognise one’s own limitations here, whether it is social anxiety or something else. However I cannot agree with your certainty that “there is no objective kind/unkind going on here”. I don’t know exactly what the OP has faced but from personal experience, I have seen a mother hold back her daughter from my autistic son as if he were an irritating dog, when the children would otherwise have been perfectly happy to play (he’s not violent). I have had people turn down play dates three times or more before I have given up trying. I have had a mother express her resentment at length to me, questioning why my son has assistance from a teaching assistant when her “brighter” son is denied such resources. People can most certainly be unpleasant when your child does not fit the norm. Then again I have seen other people go substantially out of their way to be kind and include my son, or other special needs children. So I think your answer misses some of the nuances the OP might be facing in this situation, although generally I would also agree it is insightful.

Ilkleymoor · 21/03/2023 11:11

I think it's interesting that the friendliest have been a young mum and an older mum - so other mums who are 'different'. So maybe these are your people? Rude/not rude, never mind the others, maybe it's just not working with them. Next time take a book and the confidence that it's ok to read by yourself - unless one of those two are there, in which case strike up a convo.

rhowton · 21/03/2023 11:56

It cant always be the responsibility of extroverts to involve everyone. I do talk to everyone at birthday parties, but it's exhausting having to have one sided chats with other mum's who you constantly have to jostle along.

You are just as capable of walking up to a group of mum's to talk to them as they are to include you. Why is it only rude on their part.

lieselotte · 22/03/2023 18:12

You are just as capable of walking up to a group of mum's to talk to them as they are to include you. Why is it only rude on their part

Oh come on, it's completely different for someone to break off from a group and say "hi you're Sarah's mum aren't you, come and chat, how are things" as compared with an individual interrupting the group to say "hi I am Sarah's mum, mind if I join in".

Johnisafckface · 22/03/2023 19:04

I've been in this situation before. I'm very shy so it's hard for me to approach people. But as I've gotten older I've forced myself to approach people and make conversation. Or I squeeze into a group of people and try to engage that way. It's horrible to be the only one standing around awkwardly not talking to anyone. I think it's a bit mean that no one has brought you into their conversation, which is what I would do since I know how it feels.