At a kids birthday party today … so awful

[Rainbowdusting]

I’m at a kid’s birthday party with my 4 year old. It’s a little girl from his class.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but no one is talking to me. All the mums (and some dads) are chatting together, I feel like crying. It’s horrible. I smile and I’m nice to people, but no one wants to know. I don’t understand it. My son is on the ASD pathway, so I’m not sure if that’s why.
I absolutely hate school pick up and drop off but at least it’s really quick and it’s over and done with within a few minutes.
This is the two hours and my head is banging now 😭

I know that it seems like a big issue atm, but honestly, they're just mums of children your dc is in a class with. Do you have close friends outside the school setting? Those are your real friends. I made friends with some mums when my dc was at primary school, but it was all superficial and forced a lot of the time, and wasn't necessary. My dc still got invited to his friends' houses whether I was close to the mum or not. I barely remember their names now, and can't believe I gave it so much headspace at the time.

Absolutely how it should be. This happened me at my daughters activity that she does on Saturday mornings. Two mums called me over to sit with them "god don't be sitting by yourself" and we will always now ask other parents would they like to sit with us. At any of my children's parties I'd rearrange seats and make space for people. It's basic manners. In my school some parents wouldn't have good English snd you can see how awkward they sometimes feel at the start.

I guess OP survived but here are some starters someone else might find useful in this situation:

Hi I’m Jack’s mum, is it OK if I sit here?

Its really busy/quiet/noisy here today isn’t it?

Whose mum are you? I don’t know anyone and never get the chance to chat with other parents!

Aw the kids are having a great time aren’t they?

This is a great place for a party. I’m looking for ideas for our birthday already. Any suggestions?

What great/crap weather outside! It’s been ages since we got a bit of Sun/snow/rain

How do you all know each other? Did you meet at the school?

Ah they’re such good friends aren’t they, Jack has told me about little Jennifer, he thinks she’s great.

I don't think kids parties are places to develop friendships. Parents tend to catch up with people they know. Id not take it personally. It's good that you've tried to make conversation. Are you asking open ended questions that can facilitate a conversation rather than - which one is your child? Etc

I went to a party and today. I knew the host but no one else. My husband couldn’t come so just me and my son. He was off having a great time and I made a massive effort to chat to everyone.. literally stood next to groups and listened and asked questions. Sat down at the table with other mums and made conversation. You have to put yourself out there, smiling isn’t enough. Nothing to do with your child. I was happily chatting away to a mum who had two children with autism who were clearly quite challenging for her but it made no difference.

Thanks for all the replies.
I’m thinking maybe I’m autistic now, as I couldn’t in a million years just pull up a chair and join the group. Or start trying to make conversation when they’re clearly having their own one.

I'm the same. People for whom this is no problem have no idea what an insurmountable mountain to climb it is for people who are highly sensitive (not necessarily autistic).

These are good. Just ask people questions, most people love to talk about themselves!

@Rainbowdusting when your child is sen it is sometimes very lonely. You really have to put yourself out there if you can.

Lovely ideas from @Santasoorplooms - light and friendly conversation starters.

My son is autistic and has learning disabilities. I am also a single adopter so I felt that we were very different to other families at the parties from the outset. Due to my son's needs I tended to stay closer to him than other parents but I would just strike up conversation with whoever else was standing by the bouncy castle. Sometimes I would also talk to their child eg such as 'great jumping DS, wow X you can jump really high too', that sometimes helped break the ice. I think that you also need to read the body language of groups of people to see if they are open to others joining them.

I think it gets easier in time. At the start of Reception I found the parties exhausting whereas now (he's in yr4) I can chat easily to the vast majority of the parents and am friends with some of them. I have just started this again with DD. We were at a 4th birthday party yesterday. When we arrived I didn't recognise anyone but I asked the birthday girl's Mum if I could help. It turned out that they had only moved to our city a few weeks ago - must have been very daunting to host a party in those circumstances.

It's like being back at school yourself and not being in with the "in" crowd.
Not a nice feeling.
Hope you're feeling better today and survived the party.
I always wonder at these thread's, wtaf goes on at the school gates / kid's party's to make parents behave the way they do and how it affects the left out parents.
I worked full time so I'd swoop in to drop or collect DD at school, I couldn't have picked most of the other parents out of a line up and certainly never made any friends, I'd smile and say hi if anyone caught my eye but that's it, they didn't affect my life or wellbeing.
I suppose times have changed.
I don't have any advice for you op but I feel for you especially sat at yesterday's party alone.
Just be you, try to develop a hard shell, it's really not you it's them

Just keep on trying at the school gates. I'd give it months yet before writing them all off. If you were in this situation in year 1 then yes, maybe it's time to stop making the effort, but it's early in your son's school career yet!

Keep making small talk before and after school, don't dash off if you don't have to.

FWIW, my son is in year 6 and there is only one parent I've never spoken to for any length of time and that is because she deliberately shies away from everyone and always has done.

Keep chipping away at the other parents.

As I said in an earlier reply, I have tried talking to them and I get very short replies or they just look at their phone when they see me coming.
I even asked one about meeting up outside of school as my son really seems to like hers, but she basically said she couldn’t, but didn’t try to rearrange or say but I can do then… or anything.

Strangely, the two mums who seem to talk to me are one of the oldest mums there and one of the youngest. I’m 34, so about in the middle. The youngest one is early to mid 20s and the oldest is mid 40s. They’ve spoken to me a little more than the others. But one of them wasn’t at the party and the other child came with her dad instead.

They sound a nasty bunch op. I once said good morning to a mum in my dds class, you'd have thought I'd shagged her husband and drowned kittens by the way she looked at me.

I've found this. My advice is to try not to care. Expect to speak to no one. Be friendly and smily but if alone, read a book on your phone and chill. It's their loss.

@Rainbowdusting a lot of mums make friends with their kids friends mum and it can become difficult to break into groups. My son is autistic and doesn't play with anyone so the only people I know are mums in my older child's class. You have my sympathy.

@Zooeyzo
My little boy does have a friend in the class (who he always talks about) and as I said further up, I mentioned to her about meeting up outside of school, but it was met with a pretty negative and evasive response.

@Rainbowdusting how does you son behave in school? Are you often called in because of his behaviour?

You need to be more assertive. They probably aren't leaving you out intentionally but they know each other. Ask can you join them

I can't believe people are still encouraging you to speak to these fuckers 😅 I'm going to have a go.
The OP approached people at the party, they did not engage with her, some looked at their phones, one turned down a play date, they spoke among each other, when she tried to speak with them they were not forthcoming. They. Are. Ignorant.
You can't force people to speak to you.

My advice is to try to understand this.
There is no objective "kind/unkind" going on here. Only your interpretation of a situation and your interpretation of various interactions you have had in the past, and the interpretations of those around you.
If you are quick to negatively interpret situations, then you are more likely to read everything in a "negative key". If you try to keep your interpretation neutral, then you will find trying to engage in the future easier.

You are not the centre of anyone else's world, most of the other parents at the party will probably have a neutral view of you until you give them reason to change opinion. You will probably be classed as :
"neutral", until more information can be gathered. After a few parties where you don't talk you will be moved to
" parent who doesn't like to engage in social chat and maybe prefers to be left alone" category. That's all. No reason to believe they think badly of you.
If you find interacting with a larger group more challenging, then continue to try with parents one on one. Remember if they don't immediately take up any offers or suggestions there's no reason to believe they are personally refuting you.

The point is this. By immediately assuming others are being unkind and purposely leaving you out, you interpret reasonable interactions as negative ones. Why assume others won't like you when you've done nothing wrong?

There is nothing strange about the " in group" of mums. They are simply a slightly larger and therefore noticeable group of parents, who for one reason or another find it easy to interact with each other due to circumstances, be it through availability to chat, children of similar ages, having other children at the school, having lived in local area etc. and are more than often generally average/high on the social outgoing scale.

The op has literally given multiple examples of where she has been ostracised and you have told her “you are not the centre of anyone’s world”. Breathtakingly rude.

The thing is you view the OP's examples as being ostracised, whereas from what she has written I don't interpret it as that. That's my point. I wouldn't think anything of it if a few people I approached at a party didn't seem particularly interested in chatting. She is there accompanying her son and I feel that realising that it will take time and effort to get to know people is useful information.
It's not being rude to point this out, and it's not being unkind either.
What good is it to the op to hear post after post about how bitchy and rude everyone was, it's not her it's them, etc.
Sometimes no one is at fault. She's at a child's birthday party, and the important thing is how the children present are doing. If a child were being noticeably left out, then hopefully the host's parent would intervene if possible.

This is not an event where parents are the focus, same as at school pick up. Why encourage op to believe everyone around her is rude?

Sure. Have you read any of the other examples she has given?