At a kids birthday party today … so awful

[Rainbowdusting]

I’m at a kid’s birthday party with my 4 year old. It’s a little girl from his class.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but no one is talking to me. All the mums (and some dads) are chatting together, I feel like crying. It’s horrible. I smile and I’m nice to people, but no one wants to know. I don’t understand it. My son is on the ASD pathway, so I’m not sure if that’s why.
I absolutely hate school pick up and drop off but at least it’s really quick and it’s over and done with within a few minutes.
This is the two hours and my head is banging now 😭

Weird response

It’s probably just that they know each other, not that they don’t like you or your son - your son was invited to the party! Is he having a nice time?

Tbh if I saw you on your phone I would assume you were busy and wouldn’t try to make conversation.

If you’re sitting there on your phone, people probably assume you’re not interested in joining in and socialising. Put your phone down and go and say hello.

I think you should make an effort on the playground when you pick up and drop off. Then you will get to know them.

Today though, id just go up to them and start a chat about what the kids were doing or whatever. You need to put yourself out there!

Been there before too,, it's horrible. 💐

You need to make the move, if they all know each other to chat then they've just naturally sat together and started chatting. I doubt they have made an active decision to exclude you. Just pull up a chair with the group and when you get the opportunity add to the conversation.

Do you want to talk to them? If you do, just go on up and say hi.

If you're happy not chatting (me 🙋‍♀️) just carry on with your phone!

Men don't get this guilt when they do parties. DH happily goes and has a quiet coffee whilst browsing his phone. Women (I'm aware I'm generalising) feel like they should be sociable even when they don't want to be.

Sometimes people are deliberately excluded, sometimes it’s that you need to make more effort to join in if you want to be included. I’d personally take a book so I’ve got the choice depending on whether i feel I want to chat! I certainly wouldn’t make it the child’s issue, not that OP has suggested that. I do think party host should make an effort to greet you/ introduce themselves but it’s often quite busy hosting!

This. Take some responsibility yourself.

Have you tried:

1. hi I am Leo’s mum - need a hand with anything?
2. hiya!! How’s it going? Anything fun planned this weekend?
3. oh hello! How’ve you been? Hows (name of rugrat from class) getting on?
4. oh the noise levels at these things- our house is a permanent zone of chaos haha!

wha happens when you do these?

The OP didn’t say she was looking at a phone, why is everyone assuming she way?

You do realise that for some people, the thought of just going up to people causes crippling anxiety?

I just sit back, watch the kids and smile. Try and enjoy the craziness x (from an ‘outsider’ who sometimes gets chatted to, more often can’t get in on conversations) xxxxxxx

Probably she’s on mumsnet while at the kids party.
How else is she posting??

I hate these things too, but you need to force yourself to “join in”. Look for a parent you recognise, the mum/dad of one of your DC’s closest friends and just start with “Hi, how are you?”

Comment on how cold/hot it is at the venue, ask what plans they have for the rest of the weekend. Have a moan about something to do with the school - homework, phonics, never ending dress-up days, etc. You’ll soon get into the swing of the conversation.

Those first few parry’s are REALLY hard. I’m a very sociable person who makes friends easily and I really struggled with the class parties at first . Lots of the people chatting are also a bit anxious but so relieved that they have someone to talk to, that they don’t quite have the emotional space to also consider others who are finding it tough.

My advice is to talk to the mum of the child who’s party it is and have some stock phrases to start conversations with people;
“Hello, I’m jacks mum, whose mum are you?”

I actually prefer being left to it in these situations. I'm not unkind or actively unfriendly, but we live in an area where many, many families are related and all know each other from year dot. I don't chat with anyone at the school gates because of wraparound care, either, so I've just gotten used to it.

The OP is sharing how she's feeling and you're stamping on those feelings. Women should support each other, not 'speak' to them in that way.
What an unpleasant person you must be.

Soon enough they will become “drop and run” parties and then the next part of your life begins lol - a whole 2 hours to yourself on a weekend! Bliss!

What a great way to make friends…

Because she posted on Mumsnet and used the present tense.

You should put your phone away in a bag and look up. I wouldn't bother going to chat to somebody who was on their phone either if others around weren't on their phones. I'd pick the person who didn't look busy.

Nobody should pander to somebody who is at a party, posting on mumsnet and wondering why nobody is speaking to them.

Since we moved, my face hasn't fit at DC's new school. At the old one I was friends with some parents and could get a conversation going with most.

It's shit, but I always think I'd rather be someone who gets left out than be someone who does the leaving out.

They can look down their nose at me all they want, my 9 y/o isn't the one telling the whole class about the strip club in GTA5 or pulling kid's hair is he love? 😉

Are you actively making an effort to be involved? That means going up and starting conversation. People won't approach you if you look out of place or uncomfortable. It gives the impression you are aloof and disinterested.

Also be interesting. I have no interest in talking to someone who has nothing interesting to say.

Being on your phone is socially signalling that you don't want to be approached.