At a kids birthday party today … so awful

[Rainbowdusting]

I’m at a kid’s birthday party with my 4 year old. It’s a little girl from his class.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but no one is talking to me. All the mums (and some dads) are chatting together, I feel like crying. It’s horrible. I smile and I’m nice to people, but no one wants to know. I don’t understand it. My son is on the ASD pathway, so I’m not sure if that’s why.
I absolutely hate school pick up and drop off but at least it’s really quick and it’s over and done with within a few minutes.
This is the two hours and my head is banging now 😭

They may know each other from drop off, so they are chatting with people they know. They are not excluding you. Have you made the effort? “Hi, I’m c’s mum, I don’t think we have met. Which one is yours?
then you will know them at drop off snd can say hello. And at at the next party you will know someone…
dont expect others to make the effort if you don’t…

It is awful to feel awkward and not included in the chit chat, I used to hate it. If there wasn't another parent I knew well enough to go and sit with, I'd seek out the host mum and offer to help... pouring juice for kids, making cups of tea, tidying up plates etc. They usually appreciate the help, and it's a good way of jntroducing yourself to the other parents too.

Ahh School mum shitty behaviour.

I’ve been there, and it’s crap.

As much as people will tell you it’s all you, not them, they must already know each other, they are oblivious blah, blah, blah……. It’s not true.

The School mum rudeness is real. I’ve witnessed it for years. Sometimes towards me, and also to many others. Fact is, they don’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings. They are networking. They want to make sure their kids are in with the most popular group, which means they themselves have to be in with the most popular mums……pathetic.

I’ve really tried chatting to people and I get one or two word answers and then nothing. They just turn away. Or I try and talk and people seem to pretend to be on the phone or something.

We are at this stage and I feel you it is hard. Every class party gets a little bit easier. I usually wait until someone is naturally in my circle (getting food at the same time, kids playing together, sat on the same sofa, washing hands in the bathroom at the same time) to start conversation. I feel like it's something that definitely needs working on. Most responses have been kind if occasionally a little uninterested but not negative.

I am three parties in now and the last one I had a few little interactions and one long conversation with another mum. I got invited to a class chat I didn't know one of the mums had set up. It's slowly getting somewhere.

I don't feel that its malicious, it just needs you to keep pushing yourself to take opportunities to make conversation. It's not in my comfort zone either!

This used to happen to me. It was ok if any of my friends were there but otherwise I hated it and felt I was in a goldfish bowl and stood out like a sore thumb for bending Billy no mates

So you were ok if your friends were there and you were chatting in a group… when your friends were there were you always looking around to see if anyone else was on their own and approaching them to join your group? And if you weren’t was this actively rude? Or just natural because you were with people you knew and not paying much attention to anyone else?

MN is absolutely nuts honestly

Honestly I'm a nice normal friendly person but the mums in my dds class were absolute horrors. I'd have rather stood up and given a speech to a thousand people than make small talk with them..

Remember op...they are cowards. They won't talk to anyone outside of the clique because their biggest fear is being on the outside. It's pretty pathetic when you think about it.

If you feel able to, pull up a chair and say something along the lines of ‘sorry ive never got time to chat at the gates’. Its probably a case of everyone knows each other (lots of little groups like our school - most of my friends kids go to the same school so im totally guilty of only really chatting to Mums I know as its an opportunity to catch up) rather than deliberately leaving you out.

This is exactly what it’s always been like for me, my DS is in the older primary school classes now so only gets invited to a few now but I hated it!

I always thought it was me but my other son is a few years younger and it’s quite the opposite when I go to his parties - plenty of chatty parents.

I think with my older sons class, they’re all quite friendly and it’s like there’s cliques. It’s like being in secondary school with some of them.

This is true

Or maybe they are just friends? I honestly use the school run to catch up with friends I sometimes have no time to see because of work, life etc. Networking sounds abit extreme! Rudeness is never nice and im sure there are some bitchy school run Mums out there, but most times little groups are just friends catching up for a few minutes.

My son is on the ASD pathway, so I’m not sure if that’s why.

For me it wasn't that my DC were autistic but that I am autistic. I had no idea back then of course.

Sending a hug!

Kids parties can be so awkward if you are supposed to be attending as a parent too. I've learned my lesson and always bring a book.

I don't think they are being rude they likely know each other. I wouldn't just go up and talk to someone I didn't know if I was there and I knew someone. You could always approach them.

This was the case at my daughter’s dance- she started late and the other parents seemed to think they’d formed an important little club 😂 I tried chatting- I’m a confident person- but nothing doing, so I had a much better time just reading my book and smiling pleasantly if anyone looked at me. But really, give it a try before retreating. Legally, they can’t bite you!

I'm sorry, I understand. Even down to the son on ASD pathway... it's shit. They don't deserve your company. Hate these circles parents seem to form to keep another out. For what it's worth, if I was there I'd rather sit with you than those ignorant fuckers. It's nothing to do with your son and everything to do with their snobby attitudes.
I get people saying, try to make conversation, you have and they're not interested.
Once it's over I would sarcastically announce it was great chatting with everyone! But I'm petty.
Dreading this, DS too young for the class parties yet.

Op already knows the group, surely? It's up to her to approach, just as the individual members of the group already chatting presumably did.
They won't all know each other from before reception.

Right?

This thread is just the equivalent of the usual MN "everyone I know at work and in real life and everyone in DH's family is stupid, obnoxious and 'toxic'" threads

Does your DC have any friends in his class? I normally talk to the parents of my kid friend’s as we have meet ups i the holidays etc.

Tbh I remember that parents were excluded for all manner of reasons.
Tbh, I was excluded all of DDs primary years, it hurt. I even had a group of mums invite me to breakfast then no one turned up. I waited for 45 minutes before I slinked off home.

Younger child, DS will attend the same school as some children we know, so those kids will become DS friends and I'll be able to chat to their mums which will make it easier.

I do also agree that its bad manners to leave you out, at baby groups if plans are being made, I'll always include the others around us, "were doing x/y/z at xxx, will you be coming too?" Polite conversation about kids or something isn't hard to do... they could talk about the location, the weather, even the food. To not extend that kindness is a bit mean I think.

I prefer to be left alone than to make small talk with people I don't know. I know people think I'm rude but I don't care. If someone sat with me I'd be friendly enough but I definitely don't go looking for it. Maybe they think you're sat on your own on purpose? I would.

My son has asd and I’ve had a few years of this now.

The trouble is people with neurotypical children often get to know each other because their children are friends at school. They hear at least some school gossip (I’m not talking about big stuff just so and so is into transformers and has a puppy called Fred, that kind of thing) through their children so they have mutual topics to talk about. Their children push for play dates with certain children and invite them to their parties so they parents have a virtuous circle of getting to know each other better and better.

If your child is anything is anything like mine, you have none of this. They don’t have close friends and you don’t know what the other kids are into so there are no easy topics of conversation.

The other parents may be kind but shy, so it is simply easier to talk to other parents they know. For some other parents there is also an element of wanting their child to be in the cool gang/ not hang out with the weird kid - I’m not saying it’s all pervasive but it certainly happens in some year groups unfortunately.

The way around it for me has been to identify a few kinder mums and invite them round for individual play dates. Set up turn taking games for the children to encourage shared play and keep the play date short with lots of treats. Then you have an “in” to a few kind souls at the next party and everything becomes easier.