At a kids birthday party today … so awful

[Rainbowdusting]

I’m at a kid’s birthday party with my 4 year old. It’s a little girl from his class.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but no one is talking to me. All the mums (and some dads) are chatting together, I feel like crying. It’s horrible. I smile and I’m nice to people, but no one wants to know. I don’t understand it. My son is on the ASD pathway, so I’m not sure if that’s why.
I absolutely hate school pick up and drop off but at least it’s really quick and it’s over and done with within a few minutes.
This is the two hours and my head is banging now 😭

I do think it helps being naturally extroverted, I joined a new fitness class recently I'm 4 sessions in and there are probably half a dozen I'll make small talk with and 3 I actively seek out for longer chats, and this week coffee after, we worked out there are 30 years between the youngest and oldest of us so it's not about networking etc and line PP I'm not expecting them to become my be besties, the comparison to colleagues was a good one, they're my gym colleagues. Big smile and ooh do you think the water will be as cold as last session? Do you go to the Tuesday one? What's the instructor like? I've only been coming recently have you been doing this a while? (Obviously relevant to the situation if I asked this at a party they'd think I'd taken something).
You soon work out from responses if people are open to chatting or not. The key though is that if they're not I don't take it as a personal rejection, they don't know me, I don't know what's going on for them. It is what it is. Move on to the next, you'll find people to get along with at some point. I also recognise that not everyone wants this or find this an easy thing to do.

Surely nobody would think that was a good idea though? I mean really? You make an effort. You ask a few questions, which one's yours, that sort of thing, you comment on the weather, the nice activities, the disadvantages and advantages of a March birthday, how it's good they're all over that nasty stomach bug, isn't it great/sad world book day is over for another year. The OP is suffering from FOMO while actually at the event. Nobody is having a great conversation here, in my experience. You can stay on your phone, but then don't complain that nobody is talking to you.

Be brave and go and chat.

And next time you’re at a social event where you know people, keep an eye out for the one person on their own who might be feeling like you do. Say hello to them and ask them to come and join whoever you’re chatting with.

People are caught up in their own little worlds and oblivious. You can only be responsible for yourself….making an effort if you’re on your own and being inclusive when you’re not.

Same @premicrois . I didn't know I was autistic at the time either.

This situation just would not bother me at all, it amazes me how much it does bother other people. I never did school pickups/drop offs, due to work, so didn't really know the parents, but I love meeting new people and getting to know them, so in this situation, I'd just sit with a group and start making conversation. I also adore my own company though, so if my efforts at making conversation were being ignored, I'd just sit in a corner and read a book, and genuinely enjoy being able to have a good read while my DC were happy and occupied. I definitely wouldn't take it personally, I'd just assume they know each well, so are more invested in making conversation with each other, rather than making polite conversation with me.

I hope this thread will encourage people to look out for and include others in social events. Those saying it’s up the the OP - it isn’t always that easy so why not help to make it easier for people by noticing when they are left out and just opening up your group to them.

I

I try to contact the host parent before the party and ask to do tea/coffee duty and helping with games. I have anxiety and depression and sitting there is a hundred times worse than wiping jelly into the bin!!

The parents I now know I think possibly invite me as they know I will tidy up! It has helped a great deal and if I’m having a bad day I’ll hide in the kitchen washing up and on a good day I’ll serve.

It's unlikely that people are deliberately excluding you, but that they don't know you want to be included. After all, you're another adult, so it's up to you if you want to join in and chat or if you want to sit quietly on your phone reading mumsnet.

I find those situations so uncomfortable. Sorry people were so rude. I think sometimes other people are probably all feeling the same and just so relieved they have someone to talk to so don’t look round to see if anyone is left on their own. I noticed that today at a birthday party when I was so relieved to be chatting to someone then saw the girl beside us was just kind of awkwardly standing alone. We didn’t get offered a soft drink or anything and it was at someone’s house. It was a reallly long party 😳

I used to love the peace and quiet of parties and I'd take a book and literally speak to no-one, with the exception of the odd chat with DC when they needed something. A nice 2 hour window, ususally on a Saturday morning.

Been there, done that. It is horrible.

Can you take your partner next time? Strength in numbers

Least it's not the school party in my kids' old school where one of the mums asked a dad sat there on his own looking a bit lost if he wanted to come over and sit with them... that resulted in a Monday morning altercation on the playground when class queen bee accused the friendly mum of wanting to hit on her ex partner and being desperate to shag him!

Seesh you are an adult not a kid, go join in if you want to have a chat,im the type who wants to be left alone im not there to make friends and im not interested in small chat either,so these people obviously respect that not everyone wants to be clucking away.

One of the jobs of a host is to make all of their guests comfortable. Your host is really crass and thoughtless not to come over and chat, or draw you into another conversational group.

Honestly, are people being raised in caves? The lack of rock-bottom basic manners is absurd.

Seesh you are an adult not a kid, go join in if you want to have a chat

That is easier said than done. I've done many years at the school gates. There are some groups that you will never crack.

What has your child having ASD got to do with people not sitting with you? People often already know one another via other means or they have older kids in the same class, they tend to sit together. More often than not people just sit where there's space at these things. I don't really give these things that much thought, I'm not there for me besides.

🤣🤣 it's a kids party, I've never had the "host" (kid's parents) go around to check on half the play centre to check they were "comfortable". You aren't actually the guest when you attend a kids party besides, you are merely escorting one of the guests.

Some people have standards.

Usually the host is too trying to keep children happy. So too busy to chat to stop and chat to parents. She said she has tried speaking to the other parents and been given one word answers then ignored.

I've got two with special needs. They were in mainstream nursery. When they started at a local special needs school though with smaller classes all the parents knew each other and were friendly. We all face the same battle's.

Horrid guests. Always have a book or iPad with you so you are not unoccupied. You tried, they were rude. It's them not you.

What is she meant to do? barge in saying "excuse me but can I join in to your already established conversation?".....

Meaning?

It is the hosts responsibility to check in on everyone. It my kids whole class parties I've always been able to do a little circuit and have a chat with each parent. My mum was very shy so I always try to make sure everyone is happy and welcomed

Well done! That's how a host should steward their guests.

I went to a kids party once. There was a huge group of mums sitting together chatting. There was a shyer mum sitting by herself. One of the more vocal mums called over to her "Emma, don't sit by yourself, come over here". So much nicer than leaving someone by themself.