SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Your husband is a high earner, unfortunately this means long hours.
I do think you both need to take the time to sit down and talk things through calmly.
You resent his working; he probably feels he lost his wife if your going to bed so early:
Your still in the early stages and babies take a lot of adjustments for everyone, especially when it's the first. Nobody can really prepare you for how different your life will actually be.
Could you find a babysitter for a night so the 2 of you can go out together and have a chat about what you both want and need and try to make things work better.
X

It doesn't sound like he works overly long hours to be honest, most have said they're surprised he doesn't work longer so actually I'd say perhaps he does indeed have a fair bit of say?

The issue is your desire to spend every moment with your child. You can use childcare, clearly affordable on 250k but you chose not to. You can stay up after 19.30 and spend time with your DH but you don't. Why do you have to go to gym early morning, why can't you go during day time and use a childcare of some sort, even for a couple of hours?
You need to invest time and effort in your relationship with your DH, not just spend 100% of yourslrf on your child. It is good for the child too if he lives with both parents who are happy.

@Gymmum82

OP's never even had a babysitter to her home, I don't think it's realistic for her to leave her 5 month old in the care of a gym crèche worker she's never met before

OP, it's completely reasonable for your DH to watch his own child a couple of mornings a week. But you should hire some help for afternoons/evenings to give yourself some breathing room. If you aren't so tired and resentful you'll have more energy to concentrate on your marriage.

And if you earn less than it would cost to put a baby in nursery, then you're financially vulnerable no matter how rich your husband is. Retrain, up-skill and ensure you can support yourself if need be. Hire a nanny a few afternoons and evenings a week and do a university course.

Why do you have to go to gym early morning, why can't you go during day time and use a childcare of some sort, even for a couple of hours?

Why should she when the child's other parent is there and perfectly capable of looking after them?

Baby is 5 months so you're right about them being in your room and not leaving them to sleep alone for hours.

However in the next month+ I think you need to start putting baby to bed and coming back down on the agreement he'll come in from work and not go to the pub on those nights.

We did own room from 6 months but that was a space decision. No need to rush it if baby fits in the side car.

And sounds like you need an honest chat. Does he feel like he and baby have bonded? Does he feel there's no point doing it cos you'll just take over? Are you inclined to take over?

I know you've said you've no desire to be apart from baby but can you agree one night to do gym after work each and he does bed routine that night?

I think some men take the line of least resistance. She does it all so there's no point in me trying. She's not interested in me so I might as well not be there. You need to make it clear what you NEED and also try a few things to achieve the overall goal, so coffee without them every other Saturday so he HAS to parent, drinks with your friends on a random Friday night so he HAS to parent et.

Your husband is a high earner, unfortunately this means long hours

Not true in all my experience of high earners (which is considerable). It means having more flexibility, more power to delegate, more autonomy over workload and working hours.

Excellent point.

I've found this to be true in my workplace as well.

Because she is the SAHP. He is trying to get ready to go to work! The work that is funding a very nice lifestyle for them both but probably won’t if he starts going in late and coming home at 5pm on the dot.

He wouldn’t have to be late if he got up earlier and got ready before the OP went to the gym.

Sounds lonely and isolating. Are you able to connect much with other mums?

I really think you need to find a nanny you trust for a few mornings a week and go from there. Once you're comfortable with them then you can arrange an evening out so you can have time with DH, and then prob a long time down the road you can consider overnights, but ideally that would be a family member.

The going down the pub thing isn't really on, maybe once in a blue moon, but it's not what you do when you have a small kid. He should be prioritising family time. Does he take DC out at weekends for bonding time?

I think you're putting too much pressure on him going to gym in the morning, he needs to get to work, men feel the pressure of providing and that cannot be ignored. It does trump other things.

The solution is your need paid support and DH is willing to pay for it. You're lucky in that respect. But your DH sounds like he doesn't have much empathy and that is a horrible trait to deal with.

I am in disbelief at your misogynistic views.

He is not 'keeping her'. He earns an amount that facilitates OP staying at home with their (note: their) small baby.

I personally advocate for women to continue to work and retain independence in the case of marriage breakdown but there's nothing wrong with any couple's choice for one to work outside the home and the other to be a SAHP.

It is not OP's responsibility to entice her H home. He should want to be home to see his wife & baby, and if he were, I'm sure OP would be happy to spend time with him (as indeed she has described).

👏👏👏👏

He should want to spend time with his children, yes. But you should also be happy to leave the child with him for a bit too - you say he has offered but you feel no desire to be away from them, ever. Take some time for yourself, absolutely, but I don't think you need to do it first thing in the morning and potentially make him late for work.

Ask him to come home instead of going to the pub and go to the gym them. Agree the days.

Go to the gym and the weekend and treat yourself to a quick solo coffee afterwards. I think it's fair enough that he doesn't want to be stressed and late in the mornings, but equally he should look after his kids at other points.

She calls herself a SAHM but at 5 months most mums will still be on maternity leave at that stage.

AGREE!!

Why, because he has a high salary?

OP - YABU & YANBU

YANBU asking DH to commit being home at an 'early' time a few times a week. TBH my DH has a 'big' job and he couldn't wait to come home and do bath & bed with both our DC. Your DH sounds like he needs to do more with childcare.

YANBU going to PT/ Gym - you need down time as well. You probably need to get out more.

YABU going to bed early and telling DH to change his behaviour - you both need to change so that you spend a bit of time together. I used to love that grown up conversation with my DH in the evening, particularly if I hadn't seen another adult all day.

YABU because it does seem to be building a rod for your own back. I do think you need a childcare solution every once in a while so you can go out. Could the GPs stay for a couple of days? Are there any qualified nannies / child minders that your friends use and could recommend?

I moved both my DC out of our bedroom at around 14 weeks - all of us slept better. I do know the advice is to sleep in the same room for longer but good quality sleep for everyone trumped following a text book.

I think yabu. He's going out working to support you and the child. Would it really be a big deal to do the gym at a different time and just get childcare? If He's earning 250 grand, you can afford it. I'd be irritated if I were the main wage earner and I had to do that in the mornings. I think you want your cake and eat it as well. You have the luxury of being a sahp, so you should be helping him to work.

Hi, I cannot emphasise enough that you need to find a nanny you trust to take the baby a couple of times a week so you get a break and also at least an evening a week so you and your husband can enjoy some time together and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

some problems can be solved by throwing money at them and this is one of them.

I think you both need to make some changes. Your DH has offered to have the baby so you can have some down time. Accept that. It’s the best way for him to get better at parenting and develop a bond with his child.
And make time for each other without your child around. I know it’s hard at the moment when they’re so young, but whenever the chance comes up, take it.
Get a video monitor so you don’t need to be in with your baby whilst they sleep. If you use a sleeping bag when they sleep, get one with bold pictures on, this way you can see them breathing on the monitor.

He needs to step up and come home earlier, have dinner with you, bath baby, help put them to bed, at least some nights. And be much more present at the weekends. My partner works late too, but he’s home with us and present as a dad as soon as he can get away.

And also, because, they are in the fortunate position of being able to afford paid childcare, so they don't need to do something that makes things difficult for one parent.

I wonder if OP has a cleaner? Or what the responses would be if she wanted one and her DH suggested that she should just do all the cleaning as she's there anyway and perfectly capable of doing it herself.

Do you have any family etc who could babysit even just for a few hours so you can e.g. go to dinner together. or you have a set time in the weekend/whenever that is family time? So he gets to spend proper time with the baby and you.

Those saying ‘he has to work those hours due to his high salary’… do you think women with high salaries don’t see their children from Monday to Friday? Work all weekend? Go to the pub every evening after work and get home after their children’s bed times?

However, it's life choices they have made to have a SAHP and a high earning spouse. This is what it's like. For the SAHP, you are very lucky to have such a large income to use. Buy help in the form of cleaners, gardeners, childminders, nurseries, private schools with wrap around care and extra curricular on site. If you look back and do it differently, you could have a more equal share of childcare and income. (DH and I do. We earn similar and share pick up/drop off and sick days). If you want the dynamics to change, he'll have to agree to scale back his work committement and likely to earn less.