SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

What's the point of earning 250k if you have no time for anything apart from work? That sounds like a miserable existence to me. I would rather my OH was on a quarter of that and was emotionally available weekends and evenings.

The idea that it's selfish for you to go to the gym in the mornings but it's fine for him to go drinking in the evenings is crazy. Unfortunately it sounds like he has no real interest in being a parent and just wants you back available in bed. It's not a life that I'd choose.

Of course he's going to the pub, why wouldn't he if you're both asleep anyway. can't see what age, but assuming not newborn, leave them in their own room with a monitor. You need to give time to your marriage by spending time together - at home if easier but preferably get a baby sitter and go out. And get a babysitter when you go to the gym. He's keeping you entirely (I could never live like this but that's just me) - he needs to do his job properly.

His weekday hours (presuming that's with commute) aren't actually thaaaat long tbh. The weekend working etc sounds par for the course - as a PP said, it's the price you pay for that level of salary. If this is the way you both choose to do things, it is going to mean you're the default to a degree.

I'm fundamentally with you on wanting to be near the baby at this age/stage (I didn't go to bed at 7, though I have never had a child who went to bed as early as 7, and I've been a parent for nearly 18 years - the babies stayed where we were, and I bf them to sleep well into their second year). my dh always wanted to be near them too, though. He'd hold them for hours while they slept and I got a bit of time in bed on my own. I certainly wouldn't be getting babysitters for date nights or whatever at 5mo either. Your dh seems to have unrealistic expectations and a degree of detachment from your baby tbh. In all honesty, though, I really don't think leaving them together before he goes to work is the ideal scenario to encourage that bonding, at least not at first. IIWY I'd be going out for a couple of hours at weekends.

Nobody seems to have picked up on the drinking. How much does he drink?

@Lcb123 the baby is 5 months. Should be in the same room not a monitor until 6 months

If your husband earns that much, why don't you get a nanny or housekeeper to at least do the mundane stuff.

Due to his working hours, he can’t reasonably be expected to do much more with the baby.

Bollocks. He spends all weekend ignoring his baby and wife to do extra work even though he isn’t actually supposed to be working those days. He also doesn’t come home after work most nights preferring the pub. Of course he could and should care for his child sometimes irrespective of how big and important he thinks he is.

OP, this doesn’t look good from my perspective at all. Your baby is very small and he’s already showing how unsupportive he is towards you both. I sincerely hope he sorts this out as your child gets older but it doesn’t seem likely. It’s a situation where you either accept he’s never going to be a great Father and live with that or just leave him.

I am aware of that. It means babies shouldn’t be put in their own room, alone, overnight.

It doesn’t mean you have to sit with them in a dark room as soon as they go down in the evening. It really doesn’t.

But he is willing to, from op
Just to add… since DC was born, I haven’t done anything socially without them. DH hasn’t once been asked to watch them without me being there other than for these gym classes. He says I should go and do things and that he would be happy to watch DC, but I don’t yet have any desire to be away from them.

I'm assuming that this is where the 'selfish' bit is coming from? If op isn't wanting to be away from the DC and he's not stopping her going and doing anything and is encouraging her to, whys he in the wrong?

I think it's quite tricky to get up and do anything before work with small dc. So what you do is you plan to put dc in to nursery for 2-3 mornings a week. A few hours a week is a small piece of your overall week and means less rushing around in the mornings and you still get to prioritise your health and wellbeing. You have plenty of money to do so.

But then your dh comes straight home nearly every night, to parent, you get dc to bed and you are less exhausted before you've had more of a break, so you can spend time together some nights. I don't know many people who were using babysitters with a baby/young toddler. From 2-3, yes, but your dc still sounds quite young. Mostly, unless you have family help (we don't), you have date nights at home. But it requires both of you actually being home and neither of you being so exhausted from the day that you need to go to bed at 7pm.

This way you both compromise a bit and you get more support and your dh gets to parent his child. If he won't do that, it's not about wanting to spend more time with you.

To see his baby. His own baby, that he chose to have.
Honestly I give up. As I said, I have a high earning DH. He rushed home as soon as he could every day to see his baby, bath them etc. Because he wanted to. Which is why, 3 children later, we still have an excellent marriage and he has an excellent bond with them.
It’s pointless engaging on these threads. Some women just seem to see ‘big man, big job, big money’ and automatically think that means the ‘lucky’ women should be doing everything in her power to keep the ‘big man’ happy.

Hello,
I do accept the limitations to speaking into another couple's personal life. However, I believe one starts with self-respect. The rest comes second.
You seem to be asserting your self-respect.

The reality is, he works hard. He is not Golfing every day. The main factor is in valuing work over time as a family. This is not good and you are now feeling this.
The margin between you returning home and him setting off for work is a pressure time. This adds problems not resolving problems.

You must be honest and sit down together hammering this out. Not when one of you has to rush off to do something else. Be prepared to accept some conditions as well as demand them.

Tell him you are at the end of your tether, do NOT presume he knows.

Sorry but that is crap response

Up until fairly recently most mums had to return to work after just 26 weeks , so a baby not yet 6months old.

I used to get up at 5:30am. Express milk . Prepare bottles and weaning foot, get showered and suited, get little one up and dressed, breakfasted and in car by 7:30am ready for work/child minder commute.

ok, I look at it now and wonder how the fuck I managed it - couldn’t do it now. BUT, I didn’t have an alternative . I had to get on with it. And like many young mums I was walking around sleep deprived etc for years. But we all get on with it. I wasn’t exceptional, most of working mums I knew had or were doing similar morning routines .

stop letting men off with the “it’s too hard” , it is not even being suggested for every day, as most mums had to. Yep, it isn’t ideal but non of parenting small children and babies is when you are also working. It’s bloody hard work, tiring and a constant juggle

So does risk of cot death only occur in the wee small hours @Jellycats4life?

If little one can sleep in the lounge in the early evening that would be best, but OP may be knackered as I bet the DH doesn’t do any wake ups in the night

How old is your baby?

You’re at the stage of life where you both need to fake it til you make it to get the live back in your relationship. Babies are a bit of a bomb at the centre of things and once the rubble has settled you need to rebuild.

Get a trusted babysitter. You can afford it. Someone who will look after baby regularly so you can do daytime classes and PT, and who you will then also feel comfortable babysitting for an evening out with your DH. Heck, you could even go to the gym together some nights.

Stop going to bed with the baby. Make him do bathtime and bedtime routine at least 50% of the time. Make at least 1 day a week a ‘date night’ at home where he cooks for you. Spend time with each other. He’ll naturally spend more time with the baby and you both if you’re not the one ‘in charge’ of everything baby-related and he feels part of the team.

You need to find some childcare options if dh has a high pressure job imo so that when dh is available you have quality time together

From NHS website:
Where should my baby sleep?

For the first 6 months your baby should be in the same room as you when they're asleep, both day and night. This can reduce the risk of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome).

How old is DC? The gym I use has a crèche available from 6 weeks old. My own children went regularly from around 8-9 weeks. It’s only for an hour or so

@Whiteroomjoy

100%

Women manage to get ready with a child in tow everyday and get no applause for doing to.

If OP's husband needs to get ready alone then he can wake up an hour earlier (in the spare room where, unlike OP, he has had a full night of uninterrupted sleep) and get ready before OP leaves for the gym.

I have a “big job” and in fact earn quite a bit more than the OP’s DH. Funny how I, and other senior women at my level, find the increased seniority gives us a lot of flexibility regarding our time, whereas men with young families with “big jobs” seem to still be tied into the presenteeism you’d expect at more junior levels. Never ceases to depress me.

These responses are depressing but also suggest not many people on these threads have real experience of senior level roles. This husband is avoiding home because he chooses to. And as for being capable of earning the big bucks but not looking after his own child in the mornings, give me a break. This is why men get away with this shit.

You both need to compromise. He prioritises work and you prioritise your child. You are both neglecting each other.. Meet in the middle and do some things together, occasionally. And your child would also benefit from time in a creche/nursery or with a childminder now and again, so it would be a win for everyone.

If you don’t want it to be like this, go back to work. What if the marriage breaks down? How will you support your DC and yourself? Relying on one financial provider is never good IMO - the one working resents the pressure and the one at home resents the lack of time to themselves.

Tbh I think you are both at fault here.
Your DH works long hours- you are a SAHM, so that defines who does what really.
Yes, he should try to get home for bedtime, but why are you taking yourself off to bed so early? It's hardly encouraging home to come home if you are asleep and he just has to sit on his own.

Start using that baby monitor.
Book a babysitter and go out together - even if it's to the local pub for an hour.
Find a gym with a crèche and go during the day.
Do things together at the weekends- where DH gets to feed and change your baby.
Try to get DH involved with bedtime- it could be his "special time" - as your baby gets older there will be bedtime stories to read.

If you do this, and he still doesn't get involved, time to have a frank discussion.

Finally- think about going back to work, part time maybe, for your own well being and if nothing else, to build up your own pension contributions and to keep your career ticking over. No one knows what the future holds.

I have a “big job” and in fact earn quite a bit more than the OP’s DH. Funny how I, and other senior women at my level, find the increased seniority gives us a lot of flexibility regarding our time, whereas men with young families with “big jobs” seem to still be tied into the presenteeism you’d expect at more junior levels. Never ceases to depress me

Quite. Generally, one of the benefits of these senior level jobs is that you have more control over your own workload and hours, not less.

But she's already said she didn't want him to look after the baby alone - what's he supposed to do? Insist and overrule her?! That's a great way to establish a healthy coparenting relationship.

Btw, when I used the words 'your baby' it's because it's not 'my baby' and I'm talking to the child's mother, not implying that somehow it's not the father's responsibility. You may be taking offence where none is intended.

What "benefit" would a 5 or 6 month year old get from childcare?