SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Would posters be treating OP differently if she said she was on maternity leave rather than SAHM

"We have no family near by" is in the OP

Probably not, because she’d still be a woman with a husband with a ‘big job’, so would still be expected to indulge his every whim.

Get a part time nanny to do a couple hours in the morning or at night.

Yes... which gives her options to be able to exercise. i.e pay for someone to watch the baby so she goes during the day.

Who has the baby when you do the PT sessions?

Did you leave your 5 month old babies with strangers looking after them?

Exactly!

Both me and DH have 'big' jobs but we manage not to fall into the pub after work and also manage to be parents to our child

@SAHMworry

i would be going back to work when your maternity leave ends OP

your husband doesn’t want your child in childcare but he’s not prepared to look after them 24/7 so it’s tough innit!

I think you’re both BU.

Long hours are one thing, but long hours in the pub are un-necessary and as he wants more time with you that’s where he can take it.

Given that you don’t work you could go to the gym any time. While I don’t agree with your DH opting out of parenting, there’s no particular reason to go to the gym early morning.

Finally, it is time to find a reliable babysitter so you can do more with DH in the evenings.

In short you both need to make changes to make this work.

I was kinda thinking this too 😬 I wouldn't want partner to be late for work and I wouldn't expect him to get up even earlier with all the hours, but I would also expect a bit of a break so I think a babysitter or help if you can afford it would be great. I think some quality time together might help you appreciate each other. It's hard to be on the same page if your both stressed out x

Presumably she won't just be going out into the street and picking a random person? She'll pick a properly vetted childcarer/nanny with recommendations, and she and her child will build relationships with the person.

Don't forget it's not that long that maternity leave was significantly shorter than it is now and an awful lot of women did leave their children at 3/4/5/6 months with "strangers" aka new childcarers.

Weird voting on this one. You’re obviously not being selfish and are asking for the bare minimum.

I understand where you are coming from OP.

However, you are totally in the position to pay for some childcare a few hours a week to give yourself a break.

It would do you the world of good.

Book a babysitter weekly so you can go out. You'll drift apart if you don't spend time together.

I think you both need to listen to each other. Really listen.

He might feel rejected that you go to bed at 8pm and don't seem to want to do anything with him.

You feel rejected because he would rather go to the pub than come home, he doesn't seem that engaged with his child (though you've not said what he is like at weekends).

I think the salary is a red herring, a lot of people have these issues and resentments irrespective of salaries.

I do agree that your baby is very young and too young to be left with a random babysitter or creche and to sleep alone etc. And I think he is unreasonable to expect this at this stage (if you don't have any family you can ask to help or anything). But if I was him, personally I wouldnt want to look after my child in the morning so you can exercise as I am not a morning person - however I'd actively want to do so in the evenings and weekends. Can you look into swapping this? I'd also be worrying about the future, as if you're a SAHP you arent going to build up relationships with babysitters through nursery, you wont be able to both take a day of work while your toddler is in childcare to go and have fun together etc- you dont have that 'in a few months they will be in nursery' cut off at the end of mat leave.

As a PP said you're both two invested in your roles at the expense of your other roles (him work at the expense of family and you mother at the expense of self/wife) and you do both need to try and reconnect. Maybe counselling would help if you cant figure it out yourselves. But if you carry on like this the resentment will build and suddenly you wont have had sex for so long that it will seem weird etc...there is a point where if you continue to drift, you can no longer go back

The voting is "weird" because people are voting on different things.

Most people are agreeing that DH should spend more time with the family and that OP should have time to herself away from the baby.

The contention is whether going to the gym at an awkward time for DH is selfish.

Put simply, the first year/s with a baby/toddler is bloody hard work.

You and he are doing an equally 'hard' job.

There has to be a compromise - he should be able to get himself ready with your baby there, especially as he has had an uninterrupted sleep. You are right that this is an organization issue. Most of us who have kids are able to get ourselves ready and a lot of us also have to get children ready for nursery/school on top of that.

Your 'me' time is in the morning doing your PT sessions a couple of times a week. His is going to the pub for a drink after work. You should each have a couple of days a week where you can do this, then on the other days it should be a team effort with bed time (when your husband is home in time) and even connecting for half an hour or so.

Everything is about balance.

I don't really think either of you are particularly unreasonable. Do you allow him to do stuff for your baby? Not having a go but do you tend to take over and instruct him? I was really guilty of this with our first, to the point where DH didn't know what food they even liked or what their favorite story was. It was hard but I had to take a step back.

Face it, with a young child who is likely to sleep during the day, it's unlikely that that is the only downtime OP gets.

Your husband needs to step up. You can't just throw money at a kid and call it parenting. I work, my DH works, we both have very hands on relationships with our DC and share the load.

Mainly because they had no choice. Whereas the OP has a husband who could get up half an hour earlier to get himself ready for work then look after his baby himself, while his wife gets some exercise.

I'm a SAHM to 3 children. I expect DH to watch the baby (now toddler) while I shower in the morning but fitting a gym session in at that time of day wouldn't work for any of us. He doesn't work anything like the hours your DH does, but outside of working hours we aim to have a roughly equal amount of child-free time, plus spend time as a family, share chores and spend an evening a week as a couple. You could still use those principles even though your DH works longer hours.

You're so far from unreasonable it's him who is op.
Who cares what other people think. This is no way to live.
Why did he have a child he never sees?

And I imagine those women who went back to work at 3/4/5 months came straight home to their babies in the evenings instead of going to the pub until after the baby is in bed.

I work... so my DC went to a nursery. The child wouldn't be left with a stranger as the OP would spend time with the caregiver first.