SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

There is a lot of research to show that fathers denied the right to spend time with their children find it much harder to bond

He doesn’t even bother coming home in the evening to see his baby. He’d rather go to the pub. And if he does come home, he leaves the OP to bath the baby while he sits downstairs having ‘a couple of drinks’. Maybe if he bothered to come home from work to see his baby in the evenings the OP would feel more inclined to leave the baby with him while she went out?

@SAHMworry sadly it sounds like you are married to a workaholic...did you ever have any discussions what your life together would look like once you had a child? What was his picture in his head about becoming a dad... is it just about being a provider? There doesn't seem to be much space in his life for you or your child so might be time to get some relationship counselling as this won't change easily ( i was in the same situation of having to constantly press my OH to consider mine and the kids needs and it just leads to resentment on both sides unless both parents are willing to compromise).As others have said his expectations about using childcare etc are opposite to your choices....you going to a gym with a creche and you getting a babysitter in at times is perhaps obvious to him but it may be not how you envisage it.

@WandaWonder

At 5 months?

Did you just leave them in the cellar?

I'm all for parents having a social life and time to themselves. The dad should absolutely be doing more on his own.

But I dont think its mad to think at 5 months the baby needs someone with it most of the time.

You say your DC is five months old, OP? I think you're expecting far too much from both of you. Your DC is still so, so young. At five months we had a really bad spell, and my DH and I were on the brink of divorce because we were sleep deprived, we were disturbing DC as much as they were us, and we had no space or time for intimacy as a couple.

Consequently we moved DC into their own bedroom and started using the monitor. A little earlier than what 'guidance advises', but it worked. DC has slept without real issue since, and we got our evenings back together. So yes, I'd suggest start using that monitor. Claw back some time for you two as a couple on an evening.

As far as the gym is concerned, are you able to find a class near you that has a creche/babysitting included? Or a class that involves your DC, like an aquanatal class or similar?

Lastly, I know you've said you're not ready to leave DC but trust me, you'll feel better for it. Even if it's just a one hour nail appointment at a salon. And yes, get a date night booked in when you can. Maybe when your DC is six months? Ask your friends or mums from playgroup if they have any recommendations for a childminder/babysitter and go celebrate surviving six months of parenthood!

Honestly, take it easy OP, this is your first child and you're only five months in. Some of us - and when I say us, I mean me - are still figuring things like this out two, three, four years in 💐

You are both being unreasonable tbh. He needs to come home earlier rather than go to the pub several times a week and help out, you need to put some effort into your marriage and not go to bed at the same time as your DC meaning you don’t spend any time together in the evenings.

Also, find a gym with a crèche.

Absolutely no judgement here for being a SAHM. Mumsnetters hate SAHMs so I expect you’re getting a lot of negativity for that (do I have time to read six pages of SAHM hate… nope).

But considering your husband has such a high-pressure, high-paying, quite relentless sounding job, it is a bit unreasonable of you to expect him to care for a baby and get himself ready for work in the mornings while you go to the gym. You’re entitled to do something for yourself but you have enough opportunities during the day to fit in exercise, so should think about doing that. Even if that means exercising at home during nap time, before switching to a gym crèche when the baby is older.

As for going to bed when the baby goes to bed because you feel like they can’t be left alone, this is excessive and no safe sleep guidelines actually says you have to give up your evenings and your downtime/sanity…

Everyone has just read as far as how much money he earns and then decided you are being unreasonable.

If he worked 40 hours in a supermarket, wanted to go to the pub most nights, the gym the other nights, and kept volunteering for extra shifts on the weekends so he would not spend quality time with you or the children you would have a wholly different response.

I don't know what to make of Mumsnet sometimes. It feels like it's no longer for mums. No - you are not unreasonable twice a week to want to go to the gym when you are home before he needs to leave for work.

He doesn't respect you enough to think how important it would be for your health and mindset to get this bit of uninterrupted time to focus on yourself. That being said - I agree a gym with a creche would be very useful for you and you could use it more regularly. A babysitter is also important. Remind your husband they are only infants for a short period of time and over the age of one you will be able to find your space again. And tell him that he chose you to help raise his child - and you'll be damned if he continues to call you selfish when you are doing it in the best way you know how. Rude man

OP, how do you think things could change? If it were me, I'd start with tiny investments in my marriage -
Being downstairs and dressed when he gets in from work one day each week. Dinner ready for him and sit with a glass of wine chatting while he eats (or even eat together!).
Give him the baby while he lounges in bed on Sunday morning and you can go for a swim or gym session.
A planned family day to the zoo or park.
Ask him to plan a family weekend away.

It sounds as though he doesn't feel included in your life or his baby's. Which has been much of his own fault. But the less he feels involved, the more tempting it is to go to the pub and leave you to parent alone.

I'm not saying you are at fault. But I think you should start including him more and treating him as a husband, not just a dad. I remember feeling as though my identity had been lost when I became a mum. I was no longer an adult with my own identity.

I'd definitely try and find a gym that has a crèche ( I can imagine that with your current income you must live in an area which would have such a club you could join or something similar not too far away ? I know not all gyms have such a facility , but it's worth a try)
Your Dh going to the pub so often would be a red flag for me though , a relative of mines husband was the same and he is now an ex ;(
He clearly doesn't want to come home to see you or his child that much and when he does it's on his terms it seems.
You don't seem to be doing much together as a family and that seems a bit sad.

Bit patronising, but I'm ok thanks, even having 'read it back to myself' 🙄

Her husband knew she wanted to find a way to fit in more gym / social time and offered it to her. Not lodger behaviour - my DH did the same when I struggled after the birth of my kids. Simply a practical way to rearrange things and give me more time out.

I don't know why you think otherwise, it's not as though I implied that he offered to 'babysit' his own child.

I wouldn't be putting my baby at risk by going against safe sleeping guidelines so I could spend an extra hour or two with a man who put the pub ahead of his child.
He could do bath for his baby almost every night, for example - but clearly not if he's had some alcohol.
We kept the baby in the living room with us until I was ready to go to bed, he would sleep in his pram or carry cot. I would have been very bored to have to go to bed so early.

This 'find a gym with a crèche' line 🙄

No way would I have left my 5 mo in a creche in a gym, with no clear knowledge of who is looking after them. I appreciate for some people, they are fortunate to have situations like this that work but OP has a husband her child's father who can easily mind his own child for a short period in the morning. Utterly bizarre it's even seen as an issue.

I do think it’s a bit much for your husband to try and get ready for work with a five month old. The amount of times I get vomited on with my four month old whilst trying to leave the house and I don’t have time pressures! There are loads of gym classes that you can take a baby too! Alternatively cannot you not employ a mothers help once or twice a week to come to PT sessions with you, that way you aren’t separated but there is someone there to watch and interact with the baby.

YANBU to go the gym to carve out some of your own time in the day.

What is making DH late though?
Surely it's not hard to have some toast/breakfast, a wash and get dressed for work even while looking after a baby so he's ready to go when you arrive home

My advice is to start to look for work and find something asap.
you are totally dependant on your DH. But your baby is still under 1 year old and that’s pretty normal due to maternity leave. Currently it is entirely possible your DH is struggling to bond with baby as he doesn’t spend time with his child. But as that child grows older , most dads find they become more interesting and they naturally do more for the particle stuff as they’re not bottle feeding etc.
butnif , during this year, you establish patterns where you are picking up all the domestic, child , social and emotional labour , whilst your DH is entirely and exclusively focusing on his job, you’ll find in 5 years time you are demoralised, resentful, and angry. Once those patterns are established thenworking peroson has a very nice lifestyle - all the positive self esteeem feedback of earning money and non of the drudge work. You work as a SAHM will be measured in battling against entropy with housework, plus the lack of value and dismissiveness of society for the work SAHM do. By the time you realise this, maybe with a second child , you’ll have been out of the workplace for 7 years or so and it’ll be extraordinarily hard to go back to your previous job (ok does depend what it is) to regain your own autonomy and worth. And if you carry on being a SAHM with kids in secondary …the chances are you’ll always be SAHM even though, in reality, you’ll not have anything to do all day other than domestic drudgery picking up after your DH and kids.

sorry, I’m sure there are women who stay sane, happy and have amazing self esteem after 20 years of SAHM, but in my experience, and reading these boards, there are way too many that find themselves disparity of their dhs lack of family responsibilities, disrespect, disregard and are then trapped by a marriage where they have no job to fall back on when they need to divorce , or are being financial “abused” by not having their own work valued by their DH. For instance, is he going to pay into a private pension pot for you , or will you be dependant entirely on him even in your retirement - does that mean you can ever retire or will you still be doing all the work whilst he is enjoying relaxing on his well deserved retirement and doing fuck all around the house to clean up after himself.

don’t let these patterns of behaviour develop. Put your foot down. You are still theoretically on maternity leave and he must step up to do his share of domestic and child duties and jobs. If he won’t think long and hard about your future as effectively being unpaid labour or substitute mother to his perpetual man child

That's not the advice at all. The advice is that you share a bedroom with babies under 6 months. That does not mean that you have to sit with them when they nap or as soon as they have gone to sleep. You just need to check on them regularly. It is perfectly fine to use that time to tidy up, have some food, have a conversation with your husband in a different room or whatever else you need to do.

It sounds as though he doesn't feel included in your life or his baby's. Which has been much of his own fault. But the less he feels involved, the more tempting it is to go to the pub and leave you to parent alone.

This is exactly it. Coming home to an “empty” house with wife and baby in bed already… I can’t blame him for feeling like there’s no point in getting home earlier.

He isn’t going to the pub every night, OP has not said how often he goes out. He is working and not excessively for that kind of salary, I didn’t manage to get home by 7pm when I was a trainee accountant, never mind when I was Head of Function or CFO, which I would expect is the kind of level OPs husband is at. They don’t pay £250k do you to leave at 5pm every day.

I expect he has to do some networking after work too and if Op is going to bed with the baby by 7:30pm every day, what is there to come home to anyway.

@QuizzlyBear

You said

Your dh has 'offered' to look after your baby.

Like he was bestowing a great favour upon her.

A) he shouldn't be offering. He should just be doing and

B) it's his baby

Don't have any more kids with him.
Build your own life.
Get a job, earn your own money.
Use a gym with a creche.

I do think it’s a bit much for your husband to try and get ready for work with a five month old.

Sorry, have we stepped back into the 1950s here?

Why on earth would this be a challenge for a sentient adult?

He just has to get himself dressed, eat, perhaps change a nappy or provide some milk to his child?

Of course he can manage. And if child vomits, he cleans it up.

Like you know, OP would.

She goes to bed at 8.30 she says. If he isn't home by then, why not?

@Jellycats4life sleep guidelines say baby should be in the same room as you when asleep until 6 months

Just seen your DC is only five months. I think you are getting some harsher replies on this as you described yourself as a SAHM and mentioned your DHs salary. However you are no different at this stage to any of us on maternity leave and your DH needs to participate more in family life. Regardless of his salary (and it’s not just highly paid jobs which are stressful) going to the pub rather than helping with a five month old is not on.

Except if he came home earlier he wouldn’t come home to them both asleep. He’d come home to them both awake, and would be able to spend some time with his baby. The one that he presumably chose to have. And just maybe if he came home earlier and took some responsibility for the bath/bedtime routine, the OP might then stay up and spend some time with him.