SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Just because you agreed to become a sahm before baby was born doesn’t mean you should be stuck with that decision for life. I think DH is being selfish and unreasonable. You have every right to want more from him and for yourself. Money isn’t everything. Yes you’re lucky he is able to provide for you but being a mom 24-7 is intense and not sustainable. If he isn’t able to step up then you need childcare help. You being happy and healthy will benefit the whole family. The best advice anyone ever gave me is that you can’t pour from an empty cup.

I would say you both need to compromise here. You are actually very similar, DH spends all his time at work and you as a SAHM.

You need to try and find some time to be a couple and also a family , either with the services of a babysitter or find a gym with a crèche etc, or sacrifice a pub night.

This is the longest OP that I have ever read. It is Friday evening. I am exhausted. Should I start reading it all again or form an opinion? OK. Opinion. Enjoy. Kick his arse when he needs it. Love and laugh xxx

I have only skimmed the thread because it is so long, but the situation you describe resonates, and the suggestions by @Sofitella seem excellent as well as balanced.

If he commits to take care of his child at least once a week on a regular basis, then the child will probably start to respond to him in a positive ways, and he may then "feel" his fatherhood more. In a perfect world he would not need to be led in that way, but it is not a perfect world, and being pragmatic can be worthwhile. If he has a "big" job then the evening would probably be easier than the morning; given you are not working, then it seems totally reasonable to allow him to put his head into "work mode" in the morning instead of worrying about whether looking after the baby will make him late or distracted.

On the date night thing, doing it every week is ambitious with a 5-month old, but doing that even every other week or even once a month can help him to feel less ignored. If he feels that you are more emotionally present, even sometimes, then maybe he will not feel the draw to go to the pub as often.

When each person in a couple has a very different role in a household with very young children, then each person can easily end up with a total lack of empathy for the other, and it sounds as though that is what has happened. The suggestions by @Sofitella have a good chance of improving that situation.

I think that’s the same for most men! If you’re the one who’s had the baby and raising it, he doesn’t see how hard or stressful it is. Babies want their mummies and men seem to get an easy life where nothing actually changes! Of course some men are more involved than others, but most other mums I know have a shared experience with this.

You are being unreasonable. Your DH has a stressful job and is providing for the family as you said. You can ask him to come early so you can go to the gym. I think you are just feeling insecure. Or you may have insecurity post child birth in terms of body image. Do you think your DH is looking at you differently since child birth? You should also give him time to wind down from what sounds like a stressful and busy job.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Your husband is making himself peripheral to his family. Financially, you are all very fortunate, but money isn’t everything. Clearly, he could be at home a little more than he is. The choosing to go to the pub instead of coming home to you is what is selfish here. Surely, it would benefit you both (and in turn your children) for you to employ a babysitter and go out to dinner sometimes instead.

i feel like a family calender/routine with set days for him to gym, you to gym, him to see friends and the same for you if you want it, then a night together (even if its just dinner together when little one is in bed) would really help - sit down and agree it on a sunday? That way i feel like you’d have a plan on a sunday where everyone’s needs are met and be happier as a family.

Hope you work it out - me and my husband work late hours as well and its really hard, on my non-working days i struggle to stay awake long enough for him to get home as i fall asleep with the kids!

I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect him to babysit DC before a long day at work. It’s also unreasonable to prioritise going out for drinks after work instead of seeing DC if he sees them that little. Why can’t you find a gym with a crèche?

The problem with being a SAHM is you can lose a sense of yourself and your self worth. You obviously have a fabulous home and no money worries, but that does not buy you happiness.

I was in your shoes, I had money coming out of my ears, but I was miserable as sin. Eventually, after years of repeat conversations, I left my marriage. Best thing I ever did.

You both sound miserable. If hubby was happy, he would want to be with you. The fact he doesn't come home - prioritises other stuff and people over having quality time with you is a flag. Maybe that flag is because you don't make time for him - and so you both go round in a vicious circle.

Or maybe he is selfish, and only happy when everyone is singing his tune.

Or maybe you having babies has made you feel unsexy, and him not spending time with you has multiplied that.

What I'm trying to say is I don't think the problem here is you going off to the gym and leaving him with the kids - it goes a bit deeper than that. But one thing's for sure, if you don't sort your issues out your kids will either live in a broken home or come from one.

I think you need to set aside time for date nights, including date nights at home. Kids need to be in their own room for sure - no excuses. Your bedroom should be your romance zone (not saying they cant come in for a cuddle - but maybe have a cut off time when they're not allowed in). You should 'both' be making each others lives easier - and if your not, you should tell each other what you want.

The dynamics of relationships change when we have kids. If those dynamics are causing strain its worth investigating if you want an active loving and respect relationship.

Sorry if that comes across as hard - its only I dont know you both, and because I think a woman who feels undervalued can have such a negative effect on a relationship - that many men have yet to learn.

I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect him to babysit DC before a long day at work

It’s not ‘babysitting’ when it’s your own child. It’s parenting.

This just sounds sad tbh. Does your dh not want to have a relationship with his child? I would be having a serious conversation about changing jobs.

I think your relationship would benefit from some time together. Some of these challenges in my experience, are blown up when you are at the intense stage of early child rearing, which is full on and lonely tbh.

it seems like it’s time for you and DH to institute a proper date night, and at least one morning a week get someone to help out an hour or two whilst you go to the gym.

try shifting away from feelings and over analysis to some practical ways forward. I don’t wish to be presumptuous but for me, too much time by myself and alone with young DC can lead to rumination and entrenched thinking. Take care.

He’s probably under a lot of pressure at his level, and time focused at work will already make him tired and drained, hence the drinking. He probably needs some understanding, and if you make time for each other, he may be more receptive to you and your needs too. Book that help and save your relationship if you want to.

It’s a hard adjustment having a baby, the thing is he is not controlling you and saying you should just stay home and cook and clean and doesn’t want to use babysitters etc. this is on you, you’re the reluctant one who can’t step back, he is providing for you financially which gives you the opportunity to get a nanny even if you don’t want to leave the house but perhaps get a personal trainer for home then so relieve your anxiety if the baby needs you then you’re around. Go out, make new friends, join some baby groups. I think you are too reliant on him to be on when he gets home. Work is super hard, it is def unreasonable to ask him to watch dc when he is getting ready for work (a job that the whole family lifestyle hinges on) you need to give him more credit. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

I think as mom's with children we look to our partners to make time for us. However I think you time , needs to be organised by YOU! He works and manages all the finances and you don't have to contribute even 1% , so in all fairness expect the same exchange from him. I think you should find a sitter for when you need this time, and maybe a sacrifice of an early bedtime will be helpful and you can bond 5 nights out of 7. I've had my DS in a routine , he goes to bed at 8pm regardless and that's mine and DH's time every night. If you want him to do more parenting , openly discuss this , see when he is able to bond and get to know his child , just express If the worst would happen to you could he emotionally support his child? It doesn't have to be drastic , maybe you leave him for a bath when his off work at lunch time and see how he copes. Stay in bed on his days off and watch him do the morning routine. He might mess up , but give him the chance to learn and make mistakes. You're in a very good position , I just hope that he is treating you well and hope both of you will continue to work on the relationship because it gets hard when one of you or both of you stop making the effort.

Of course not but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect him to do that when he works for two. A PT can come to the house while baby naps or you can go to buggyfit classes or anything really that doesn’t involve DH having to rush around for what I assume is 1hr+ before a 12-hour day at work. I’d be pissed off by that, too. Assuming there is other home helps such as cleaners and whatnots. It would annoy me to have to do that before work when it seems unnecessary but then I am not a morning person.

You're pretty well off. Find a gym with a decent creche and go during the day.

He doesn’t go to the pub 🤨he works late

This is a disgrace. And the other person saying how lucky you are is also ridiculous.

This man doesn’t want to be a dad. You need a break. I work three days and two days at home is hard. Being a stay at home Mum is hard.

Despite DH needing a wake up call. Join David Lloyd. You have the money. It provides a creche, loads of classes and a social life. It’s the best money we spend.

My husband works long hours and travels but he’s very very present he is home. Your DH is on a different planet,

There WILL be a power imbalance in your relationship, due to his earning power and your decision to be at home. It's what always happens, in my experience.
I'm not saying it's necessarily right, but it is what it is.

It sounds like there’s more at play here in terms of miscommunicated expectations about how you’d parent and support each other both together and separately. Beyond the income, is he bringing much to the family? And are you getting the chance to be someone other than devoted mum?

Not to knock you, you sound like an amazing mum, but personally I’d have hit a wall long before now with the lack of support from him on the parenting front. Raising little people is tough some days as part of a team, let alone solo!

I’d explore the option of babysitting support if you can’t seek it from family so that you can exercise/have time for yourself that fits in with your busy family schedule and then hopefully once DC2 is a little older you’ll have more quality time together with your husband .

Also to the comments that you knew what you were getting into, IMO you’re allowed to change your mind and be disappointed that the SAHM plan hasn’t turned out quite how you’d imagined before the babies arrived!

My first thought was, he's working 12 hour days. He's probably absolutely knackered. You're doing everything else. You're probably knackered. Give him and yourself a break. Things get easier as they get older.

First, you need to force yourself into getting over not being able to leave the baby with someone. Your husband should be spending more time with the baby, but you should be spending more time with your husband.
Or else you will find yourself in a position where you have to leave your child with someone, because you will be a single working mom.
Right now, both you and your husband have not adjusted to becoming parents. You are over parenting and he is doing nothing at all.
Make sure you discuss all of this with him before starting anything. Don't just drop things on him.
What I would start with is start having him put the baby to sleep. Not you.
This will free you up to get ready for bed and it will make him spend time with the child.
This will be rocky to start with, but don't let him just pass the baby off to you. Start him doing 30 minutes to start and continue. You could even spend the time with both of them at first, to have the baby associate you with him so that he can do it alone later on.
I think you should both attempt to get your gym schedules to coincide so that you are going at the same time. He doesn't get to claim that it his alone time, since his going to the pub is his alone time.
Or, alternatively, you can meet him at a pub and keep your gym times separate. This will force him to communicate with you daily and it will force you into leaving your baby with a sitter. There are tons of services that vet the sitters for you and all you have to do is pick one you vibe with. you have the family income to do this.
Yes, when I first left my babies, I could swear that I heard them crying and that horrible things were happening. The more you do it, the less that happens. If it doesn't stop, I would suggest counseling.
These are all just suggestions. The point is that your husband needs to find ways to spend more time with his child and with you and you need to find ways to spend less time with your child and more time with your husband.
And this has nothing to do with your situation, but as a fellow SAHM, you need to discuss finances with your husband.
You both need life insurance. You both need a separate savings account that are equally funded and have nothing to do with any other savings accounts. These are your "the worse happens" savings accounts. Worst being a divorce or one of your deaths. then you both need to decide on an amount you each get each week for discretionary spending. It doesn't cover things for the house, food, etc. it is 100% for pleasure spending for yourselves alone. The other savings you should have jointly are an emergency fund, one for house/car/other maintenance fund (for big things that come up). Another for holidays, birthdays, etc). Then another one for retirement. Since you are not earning anything through work currently, you should also have an additional one just for you. I would say just buy some high dividend stocks and keep buying and reinvesting the dividends. This is a do not touch account, so the ups and down will not matter, since they will trend up.
Get a financial counselor to help you all if you need to. Also, a couple's counselor. Your family is in the position to throw money at your problems, which is a solution if you do it the right way. pay for sitters, pay for counselors, pay for the time off and time together that the rest of us can't even dream of being able to afford.

He has a busy and stressful job which pays very well. Your job is to look after the baby.

I agree with your husband! You have plenty of time in the day to do whatever the hell you like!!!