SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

It sounds like a difficult situation and you are doing your best.
At what age would you feel comfortable leaving your child with a childminder or in a creche? It sounds like it might be a good solution. You need to have a breather away from the responsibilities.
It might be nice to have a date night too.
It does sound like he is dodging time with you and your baby, with the drinking though....

With that level of income I’d have employed a Norland nanny.
And another point, I had two dcs a newborn and older one at school,I was a SAHM with no family around , I used to have an afternoon nap at the same time as the baby before walking to school to collect the older dc , get the meals, feed and bath both and stay up til 10 pm.

YANBU. Your DH seems like an asshole who doesn’t understand family dynamics. Things change when you have DC and he needs to change too. He just chooses not to.
He has no interest in you as a person, only he does want you to make time for him. A real man who loves his wife makes time for her in all life cirscumstwnces, when things are hard (life having young kids) and when you have the chance to have help. He wants you to massage his ego, think himself your priority. Basically a nascissistic person who can’t understand that it is not all about him now, and that money doesn’t buy it all.

Speaking of which, please stop talking about income.
it has nothing to do with money. He still would make the same money with you and DC or without.
my husband makes A LOT more than £250K and he comes home after work religiously because he wants to, he chooses to, wants to spend time with DC and with me and because we are together in raising a family. He never makes me feel like I am having a jolly off his back, much the opposite.

You never do anything as a family, go on days out/walks etc? Has he ever pushed the pram? Did he want a child? What's he like with it, does he play/cuddle/read with it, change it's nappy? If not, why did he want one?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but mornings are difficult for everyone. Discuss with DH what evenings would be best for him so he can plan around your gym time. I assume you can go for evening sessions? Maybe take it a step further, and schedule date times too?

Honestly I think you are extremely lucky not to have to worry about money and to have the time to go to the gym and be able to spend this precious time with your baby.

If I were you I would find a gym with a crèche, I would have lunch with friends, I'd enjoy the time with my baby with no money worries.

Your husband is providing well for you financially and if that's all right now I'd just enjoy it

I’m in the minority here but he’s being unreasonable. Just because you chose to be a SAHM doesn’t mean you are the sole caregiver and on duty 24/7. If he thinks you need a babysitter for the days you’re working out, why can’t he arrange for one? He needs to step up and be a parent. It sounds like he gets plenty of social time at the pub after work. He doesn’t worry about the child at all, does he? Other than materially, what does he bring to the parenting partnership? He gets all kinds of validation through the amount he’s paid and I’m sure the way he’s treated at work. What do you get? As a mom myself, I get that what you’re doing is super important, but when you’re in the trenches, it’s hard to remember that and if you’re partner is gone all the time, I’m sure he doesn’t take notice.

Think some people have gone back to the olden days on here, you should be happy your other half earns a lot of money even though he is never there and chooses the pub over spending time with his child. Sorry but no amount of money should give him the right to choose going to the pub over spending time with his family, and if he goes out socially he should be having the child too so you can go out. You shouldn’t be expected to just suck it up and be grateful because he earns a lot of money. I don’t blame you for going cold.
speak to him and explain how you feel, he should definitely be making spending time with his family over the pub. And just because he earns a lot of money doesn’t mean you never need a break. Actually can’t believe some of the comments on here.

Doesn't the gym have a crèche you can put the baby in for an hour to do an exercise class? Instead of asking DH to look after the baby before work?

Or do a home workout while baby naps in the day? Caroline Girvan ones are great.

Tbh if I were your DH I'd find it annoying having to wait for you to get back from the gym before I could leave for work.

Sounds like you have a much bigger issue than the gym though: your respective roles and how you think your DH views you. You need to get on top of that now before resentment eats away at the good bits of your marriage.

My dp earns nowhere near that amount but I still wouldn’t expect him to look after our little one early in the morning before work. He does shift work so can work anytime from about 5am to almost 1am and when he is working early he sleeps until he absolutely has to get up as work is tiring. I am out with my dc every day at toddler groups/classes and things every day and have been since he was 3 weeks old and I have only left him alone with dp in the house once in that time.
However, he does come to toddler groups and classes on his days off and sometimes before late shifts too. He plays with him when he’s not at work (if he’s awake) and we always go food shopping together as a family and watch a show together every night.

He also has him for an hour or two in the mornings he’s not working while I go downstairs so they get one on one time together too

You may have £250k a year coming in but you guys aren't living you're existing. It doesn't sound like you have any sort of family life or relationship with your DH. Suggest he gets a lower paid job with less hours/responsibilities so he can actually spend time with you and your child. That said, I wonder whether he would want to? He could come home in enough time to spend an hour or so with his wife and child yet he chooses not to?? And disappearing at the weekends too??? Are you sure he's not playing away?

In a normal relationship I would say going to the gym and spending time doing things you enjoy would be perfectly reasonable, and your DH should have no problem facilitating that. But this set-up sounds more like a contractual agreement: I use my £250k to pay for a house and your pocket money and you have to run that home, fulfil my needs and make sure I'm not inconvenienced in any way. I hate to say this but your relationship sucks. It sounds like he has purchased you, because if any time you talk about your needs he throws back 'I don't have to do anything because I provide you with £250k' as if you are his employee. That's not how relationships work. Doesn't matter if he was earning £1million a year, if he loves you then your needs and emotional well-being should be a priority.

Personally I'd leave it's not like he'd notice. If you stay you are going to need a good relationship counsellor.

You really need to talk to your husband.
You say he agreed to come home at 7, but it didn't last.
How about if you ask him to try that again, but you also commit to not going to bed when the baby does. So you actually spend an evening together.
Also, a Saturday lunch out with baby- why not?
Walk on a Sunday etc? Are you not doing anything like this?
If you compromise and he still reverts to the pub etc then I think you have a point. But I think its worth a really honest conversation first.

Yeah no. Lucky why? Because he makes lots of money?? He is an absent and selfish dad and husband so you aren’t lucky. Why did he have a child if he isn’t even trying to spend with them?
you can’t be on 24/7 - no one can and should. Figure out how much ‘me’ time you need and get a nanny for that time.
The reality is- if you get rid of his ass, you’ll still be getting the money (divorce settlement, child support + potentially alimony) without having DH to take care of too and breaks on his custody time; he needs to realise that he needs to start pulling some weight as the current situation only benefits him, he’s the lucky one not you as in the case of a divorce (not saying you should divirce, at least at this stage, just talking factually), he’d still have to give you more or less the same amount but will also have to make time for when he has custody and will have to actually parent. So he better start counting his blessings and contribute to the household.

We really didn’t need to know how much he earns, came across a little braggy if I’m honest.
I think you both need to compromise. It sounds like your child is the only thing that matters to you now so why is he going to want to come home when you’re either in bed or will be going to bed not long after he gets in? Absolutely not taking his side because he should be making so much more effort to spend time with his child, but a job earning that much I can imagine is highly stressful, maybe he drinks to cope with the pressure? He is entitled to take some time out from his crazy work schedule but he also needs to find balance with family life too. I think you just need to understand each others situations and try to meet in the middle somewhere.

i have a 1yr old (plus two older children) I went back to work part time when he was 9 months old didn’t have a choice really. He has slept through the night about 3 times in his whole year of life, I’m always knackered but just gotta suck it up and get on with it. Luckily we have our mums for childcare and to help out if needed but generally it’s either me or his dad that look after him aside from work, we work round each other. We have only had a few times where we have gone out without baby, but we always make sure we spend time together even if it’s just watching tv together in the evening. You need to work on a relationship, you need to spend time together and communicate.

Fully agree. My husband is a high earner. I was a SAHM, then working part time up until recently. I was ok with doing 80-90% of things. I don't agree with it being 100%. Being a parent is exhausting. In my opinion, more so than working outside of the home, although that's a mute point.

Everyone seems to think SAHM's with high earning partners are suuuuuper lucky. Looking only at the financial side of things. It's hard doing it all on your own. It's exhausting. Some children more than others. But it's a lot for one person to take on.
My husband and I used to alternate each night with putting the kids to bed and tidying up after supper. It didn't always work out exactly 50/50 as he works till very late often but he did, and does, do bed times. Pretty much most else was on me.

I think you are being unreasonable whilst your baby is under 1. IMO it is completely reasonable for that baby to be with you more often than not. You are a SAHM but don’t forget most mums won’t have gone back to work from maternity leave at this time, so it is completely understandable for your husband to expect that you are primary care giver to your child.
You will have opportunities in a year or two to gain back some of your social activities. Sorry to be brutal but this is the reality of kids! And as a SAHM you cannot expect your husband to jeopardise his job by being late for work so you can go to a morning PT.. god my kids are 3.5 and 6 and I still haven’t managed to do as much as this for myself and I work full time. When I’m not at work I’m at home organising everything for school and nursery and doing washing and cooking. So you need to wake up a bit.. you are fortunate.. and if you find having a PT session that important then you should do it at a time your husband is at home. Maybe ask him to skip the pub twice a week and go out and do this then. He can do bath for the baby and bed. Leave him to it and he’ll have to manage.

Find a nursery or childminder so you can go to the gym without it causing conflict. It'll be good for DC to be with other carers, otherwise preschool & school are going to be a huge shock.

Tell your DH that he needs to prioritise family time. He should be bathing DC and reading the bedtime story, it's perfect bonding time. As it stands he's probably a stranger to his own child, and that's tragic. Does he really need to work such long hours? Does he really need to earn £250k (I live on 10% of that, so I can tell you that he does t, he just thinks he does) His child is more important than overtime and drinks after work. It's no wonder your relationship is suffering, you have become two separate households, and it will take effort from both of you to reconnect.

DC doesn't need to be in their own room, DH just needs to be home more.

If I’m being honest here, I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable. My partner doesn’t contribute hardly anything financially (he pays £200 per month; I pay £2000 per month on food/bills/mortgage/baby etc), and he does double shifts most weekdays (06:30-18:30), and then also works weekends. On top of that, he goes to the gym almost everyday after work for 1-2 hrs. We have a 4M old and I’m on Mat leave currently; I do absolutely everything baby/house/dog. I personally don’t have an issue whatsoever with any of this. If your DH is making that much money, why don’t you just get a nanny or babysitter for those mornings when you want to go to the gym? I can kind of understand why he goes to the pub after work… He probably wants to wind down and chill after working so much in a highly pressured position and coming home to a baby and tense relationship is not much of a de-stressor. Why don’t you try some date nights or go out as a family? Something to reconnect. Best of luck x

Realize that traditional young fathers are immature. They are conditioned to be providers first and think that’s enough. They have to learn amd grow up.

Look, I was your hubby 20 yrs ago- demanding job, brought home all the $ one could imagine, expected my wife to look after the kids because it was “her job”. She became resentful, went distant cold, until it was unrecoverable. Truth is neither one of us thought things were equal. 20 yrs later the $ was enough to give us both security after the divorce, but feel empty with a broken family.

You’re both being unreasonable- DH is putting job/money/self before family plain and simple. And you… don’t blame your DH for not giving you a break when you refuse to leave DC alone because you simply have “no desire to do that. That is not fair to DH at all. Get out of his way,sure it’ll be hard for him at first but he’ll learn and he will bond with his child which will change his priorities.

Stop your resentment now unless you want to see your marriage fall apart. Sit down with DH and align on what equality looks like. He can’t do drinks after work every night, but maybe he needs that sometimes so if that’s what he does on his “equality time” it’s ok as long as you can equal time for you. And yes make time for the two of you too.

20 years will fly by and those kids will be grown and out of the house before you know it. Work this out now.

Why does he contribute to little financially and why are you happy with that?

I'm at sahm my DH provides and works hard, I have 4 kids, he also works long hours, however my DH would never go to pub straight after work. He comes home and spends time with his kids then once youngest is in bed and he wants to go to the pub then that's OK, think you should both compromise, get a sitter once a month maybe to start with so u can have date night, maybe try the monitor so you can spend evenings togther, he might see it as no point coming home cause youll be asleep, however he should come home after work before going to pub to have relationship with your child and say good nite to your child. You are entitled to do stuff for yourself and you've made sure you have worked it around him and his hours so going to gym before he leaves for work is very reasonable and he shouldn't be complaining. Yrs he may earn the money he may pay the bills and i imagine tou appeciate that but running a house and looking after kids can be mentally draining and lonely best job in the world but its hard, I will say it don't matter how much he earns if it was me I would rather be skint and happy than be loaded and miserable.

I work with guys like this… honestly… he might be cheating.

I had a high paid job like this and 100% that job was way easier than looking after a child, he doesn’t realise how hard it is and takes you for granted. you even go gym and look after yourself etc.

but men end of day are simple creatures… twist it to your advantage, if you want to be with this guy- be nice, don’t nag, don’t even ask him to come early, then he will want to come home. Find a gym with a crèche or get a peloton. If the nagging stops you’ll find he will start to feel bad and hopefully he will be nicer and you’ll start getting on better. Alternative nag nag nag and drive him away more and it may end. Men are simple creatures they do like sex, and if they earn money- women are round them like flies on poo…. In their dumb heads it’s like- well these women would love to ride me all day long I don’t get this at home, sounds like the kids in your room? And maybe less enjoyable in the bedroom. He sounds like he feels abit neglected.

Your husband earns £250k a year, and you're complaining because you can't do some PT sessions in the morning!

Agree! Me and my partner go for lunch or walks with baby regularly. Need to have a serious conversation and both meet in the middle. Also agree with someone saying about having a baby sitter while you are home so you can feel comfortable using them while going to the gym. The Time you go to the gym in the morning you could have breakfast/coffee with your husband and just have a chat before he goes to work.

He needs to pull his finger out and make more effort at home with you and baby.