SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

@Purplecatshopaholic 100%

@SAHMworry if your husband makes that much get a nanny in in the day and go to the gym then. This is a no brainier

I agree with this, it takes two to parent a child, your husband should do his bit, however small that may be. YANBU

Why do you go to bed so early every night? Don’t you have a meal together when he gets home ?

As your husband works long hours and no doubt in a very stressful job then I think your job should be the home and baby. You can easily put your child into a nursery or crèche on that salary & take time out for yourself, whether that be the gym or socialising with friends or other mums. The relationship side though between you and your husband and husband and child needs some planning and working through. As in plan to do something on the weekend together or one evening DH comes home & baths baby etc. Think your husband is still living in pre-baby times! Also he really should know what to feed baby, how to do naps and the routine. There may be an occasion you are not there.

No you’re not unreasonable. I can’t believe there’s people who actually think because you’re well off… that your shouldn’t have two PT sessions to yourself a week.

It’s time for you to create some time for each other as a couple on a regular basis. Hire yourself a nanny for a few hours so that you have peace of mind. Your life doesn’t resolve around your baby’s needs 24/7. Many women are back at work full time after six months.

Next, time for your husband to build his confidence as a parent. You need to let go here and let dad have some fun and some disasters along the way. Do you have friends who are at a similar stage as you? Let him build his dad network and you can go to the gym resentment free at this time.

Longer term this will give headspace to plan how your life will take shape. More DC? Returning to work? You are fortunate in having plenty of options.

Good luck!

You're choosing to martyr yourself by shackling yourself to the baby and are expecting your husband to do the same, whilst also keeping you in the lifestyle to which you've become accustomed.

Lots of people only see the money and not everything else. I left a very wealthy man because of this and have zero regrets. I’m now financially independent, he has the kids 50% so he has to do laundry, school run etc and I’m am a better and happier mum. He was financially controlling and emotionally neglectful. You have one life and it up to you whether the financial ‘reward’ is worth it, it’s ok if it isn’t and it’s ok if others don’t understand, good friends will.

This is exactly the problem

You both need to start making an effort to spend time with each other. Sounds like it's now just passive aggressive moves on both parts and nobody is giving in. Extremely childish and damaging long term.

He needs to start coming home earlier and you need to stay up a bit longer so you can both at least have a meal together in the evenings. Start using a baby monitor now.

Its lovely you have the option to be a SAHM, but when you decided to have kids together, did he actually want them? My Husband works long hours (not the same salary as yours), but is desperate to see them around his long work day. He’ll read with them or help them with homework as soon as he gets in the door. Do anything he can to help and spend time with them. If your Husband needs a trip to the pub or alcohol to cope with his job, he does need to look at getting help. Everyone loves a glass of wine after a week at work, but it sounds like he has more serious issues.

Of course he doesn't come home

Newborns are bloody hard. Life has changed at home but still normal for him whilst he is out of the house

Get back to work soon. Never give up work

You've had a child with someone who is a shit parent and it sounds like you knew that before you had a child. Not sure what to say really.

YABU. And so is your DH.

Take steps to address this or divorce could be around the corner. Resentment is the first sign. Next anger. When contempt sets in, it's probably too late.

about resentment leading to divorce

Use a nursery, half days - 3 times a week, go to the gym during that time and use a babysitter for a night out at least once month. Use a cot and have the baby sleep in the other room.
The socialization baby will get in the nursery is very important for their development, beneficial for yourself and it sounds like your husband can afford it.
Sorry for being blunt but if you continue to use your attachment towards your baby as a barrier against spending quality time with your husband you’ll be separating soon.

Hey!
I must say I think it’s fairly normal what you’re feeling . There is so much dynamic changes that happen after you have a child. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him once a week perhaps , but if it creates resentment then you need to work out if it’s worth it!
however you are in a very lucky situation compared to many and it’s good to recognise that. Sometimes it’s worth thinking- if DC wasn’t working as much or took a job with less responsibility, yes he’d be home more but you’d either have to work as well or adjust your lifestyle and TRUST ME it’s still the women who deals with the emotional labour and childcare most of the time.
if he thinks you’re being selfish this indicates he has some feeling that need discussed, maybe he feels unappreciated too, it could be solved by a sit down chat.
I really do understand your frustration as women do tend to miss out a lot more once DC is born
my situation ; I’m working with child <8 months (around equal £ as DH) AND the primary caregiver DH works away so literally just me to do everything. I enjoy it and feel lucky in my life but of course sometimes you feel resentment towards DH for all the constant demands as the primary caregiver, they will never understand. It’s definitely worth discussing

From the hours of 8.30am to 6.30pm your DH does his job (what ever it is) and you are doing your job- full time child care. The hours outside of the working day are when you are BOTH parenting your child! Don’t let anyone tell you looking after children isn’t work, because it is

I think it's a shame that he is obviously not taking any interest in his children and leaving it all down to you that would really upset me. If he is working full time and you are a SAHM then IMO any time he isn't working it should he equal and he shouldn't be off doing things straight from work and then resent you for going to a gym class in the morning. Maybe if was home in the evening you could go then.

It also sounds like you maybe need to take a step back at the weekend and have a bit of time to yourself so that he can take responsibility for the kids. That way he will better know their routine and over time you will regain a bit of freedom which you would maybe enjoy more once you know you can trust him.

I think out of all of what you said the worst part is that he is not in search of a better relationship with his kids or to spend more time with them.

I went through the same thing. Stuck at home all day and all evening with small baby

DH was out more because he felt useless at home i think . He could still be him at work

Everything had changed for me. I had gone from
Successful career to housewife over night. No time for myself . It's hard being a new parent

Things have evened out now DC is older and we have learned to give and take

You both need to prioritise and compromise! You could find a lovely child minder to support you in the daytime, I know your little one is young but you only need a couple of hours for the gym, or shopping/ lunch, and he could agree to be home on time 2 nights a week so that you can spend some quality time. Thing is I’ve been a Sahm and I’ve also worked full time with 3 children in tow and it’s hard both ways, but at least when you’re home you can go out or whatever, when you’re working it can be really stressful and tiring so you don’t want all the crap when you get home

Honestly, it doesn't sound great him working that much but you are being ridiculous asking him to get up even earlier to watch baby while you work out. On that salary you can get a home gym or pay for a baby sitter or put baby in creche or a personal trainer to come to the home during baby's nap time. I suspect you are trying to create an argument with him because you are not happy / bored.

Wouldn’t suit me, the extra money isn’t everything, especially losing quality time with you and the children and on top he now seems very self centred
I think you deserve a medal tbh

Nobody thinks that. She insists on going when he’s getting ready for work. She can go any time but refuses to leave the baby in a crèche or with a sitter.

Had to reply as you sound like me 17 years ago! If I was to go back in time I would’ve got a childminder for a couple of mornings or go to a gym with a crèche on-site. I see your point of view re your dh but my dh said the same to me and in hindsight he was right - start looking into babysitters and going just up the road for a quick bite and work from there. You are in a lucky position and you can afford it so hire someone to give you break.

Exactly this.

i Understand your concern about leaving a young child with a babysitter but have you considered a crèche or nursery for a couple of mornings / afternoons a week? You could get a decent chunk of time to yourself- whether that’s for the gym, lunch with a friend ? I love an afternoon at the movies - by myself! It’s normal to be resentful of your partner living his life whilst you don’t get a minute to yourself. For every hour he is in the pub/gym, you should get equal time to yourself. You are both working full time: you are just not getting paid