SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

It’s weird, isn’t it - because I’m not sure it’s massively relevant that she’s a SAHM - she could just as easily be on maternity leave from her job and the same situation could arise. I don’t think in that scenario the thread would have attracted so much interest, or that OP would have got so many responses basically telling her to do all the parenting then lie back and open her legs and be grateful.

Some posters think the DH should earn a high enough salary that OP doesn’t need to work BUT also not actually work very much (or have any free time) so that he can do half of the childcare.

I’m no SAHM basher but I’m surprised at how little understanding some women seem to have of how money works and how exactly people (male or female) earn high salaries.

No, I understand that if you have one person earning a very high salary and one person not working then the majority of the housework and childcare will and should fall to the person who’s not in paid employment. The bit I struggle to understand is the OP’s DH actively choosing to avoid spending what precious little free time he has with his baby.

There’s a particularly unpleasant breed of SAHM on Mumsnet (not OP) whose go-to insult for working mothers is ‘why bother having kids if you aren’t going to look after them?’ - and that’s what I’d say about OP’s DH. Why did he bother creating a child if he didn’t want to spend time with them?

I do not understand the logic of some answers. Do they live in a world where men do not go to work? Are you from some parallel life where people do not work? It is a simple fact of life that in couples with a child the man goes to work every day. The woman stays at home because they have a child.
You can not leave the child on its own.
The issue is the husband, who works, shows no interest when he is not working.
A mature couple will sit down and lay all cards on the table. The truth must be stated.

Er, hello, the 1950s called!

This is solid advice.

Wow - women supporting women right there!!

The OP isn’t asking for equality and isn’t complaining that she has to do the bulk of the childcare, home work etc, she’s complaining that when her husband could be at home helping with the child they both chose to create that he’s choosing to be in work or at the pub. No amount of earnings make this acceptable. Providing for a child doesn’t stop at financial support!

Incidentally if she did go back to work, someone who can’t be arsed to see his own kid before bedtime isn’t likely to do half of the nursery runs is he??

OP do you have friends,hobbies,interests outside of Motherhood ?

Sometimes first time mothers can completely lose themselves in being 'the best mother '.

Unless you let your baby bond with his/her Father things won't improve.

What do you suggest? He has to quit that job or take a lower position. You don't tweak this situation. He is working very hard. Is that a crime? No. Then they must talk about major changes.
Are you saying the mother should not care for the child?

‘It is a simple fact of life that in couples with a child the man goes to work every day. The woman stays at home because they have a child.‘

Small favour. Please stay away from all young people (kids and up to 30y minimum) for the rest of your life. Thanks.

I was commenting on your assumption that men go to work and bring home the bacon while their little wives stay at home and take care of the babies.

The OP's husband is not actually working particularly crazy hours. It sounds like a fairly cushy job for that amount of money, to be honest. I'm a lawyer, I often work later than that, and I am not making anywhere near 250k. I also find the time to read my kids bedtime stories and take them to baby swimming at the weekends. I even manage to go out with my friends occasionally. It's all about balance.

If the OP's husband is as senior as he appears, he will have a certain amount of flexibility to manage his time as he sees fit. If the nightly trips to the pub are a genuine business necessity and not a choice, he can certainly go in late a couple of times a week so the OP can get to her gym class. Or work from home on those mornings. There will be any number of ways he can manage his workload more flexibly to allow him to take care of his own child occasionally. He's choosing not to.

You have such a problem with a mother refusing to not care for her child but have no problem with a father doing the same!!

@Franceen life simply isn't like that for lots of people by circumstances for some and choice for others. I was back at work after13 weeks 24 years ago- because things were way worse maternity wise and then got better.

The thing is that attitudes have changed and whereas the OP is thinking more of how things tend to be these days (much more 50/50 , fathers expected to muck in etc) her much older partner seems to be more mentally in tune with guys I know who are 55 plus. I appreciate some older men don't have that attitude , that the children are the woman's domain- but so many do, especially if they are making good money .

Well, if visiting hours were done and he couldn't be with you, what was the issue with him doing work? What were you expecting him to do?

You are doing a great job with your child but Hubbie needs some of your time too - think of him as a bigger child - most men are - get a baby sitter and enjoy some quality time together for the sake of your marriage or learn to live on less income so he can be home more

I’m not sure if it’s been suggested yet as i haven’t read the whole thread - have you thought of a “mothers help”? They don’t stay alone with the baby but help out in the house during the day. Give it a google. Also how about a personal trainer who will help you work out with the baby there with you? I have friends who even went to exercise classes where it’s all mums and they take their babies. At 5 months old I think those classes are ideal, it gets more hard when they are toddlers to exercise with them.

I think once you do these things and start feeling a bit more like you’ve had you time while not leaving your baby alone with someone new, you may be a bit happier and that can feed into the relationship. Instead of thinking how he’s always in the wrong, forget about him and think what would make me happy now that I can do or pay for or whatever to make YOU happier! Then everything else will follow.

also the first year is the hardest but it will pass, just stay the course and it will get better. Everything you’ve described is I think a normal with limited family support, it’s very hard.

You might have to accept this as the price you pay for your dh earning such a good salary and you being able to stay at home. Ideally he would be more hands on with his own child (for reasons of bonding, if nothing else), but it sounds like he just can't multitask to that degree. The reason I don't work full time is that I know I can't multitask. So I don't judge men who have the same problem (I know that sounds really unfeminist of me!). I'm guessing he feels guilty going to the pub, but needs to unwind after work. Is there a time at the weekend he could spend with DC? I think you need to have an honest conversation about needs and limitations - yours and his - as these are different for different people.

I'd get a child minder or find a gym with a creche. Going in the morning doesn't sound like it's working.

There is another side to this, the DC. She needs to spend time with her father too, not just her mum. DH needs to help care for DC so that she does. All the comments are about how lucky you are etc. What I'm seeing is that you have time with DC which we all enjoy but you do need time with DH and he needs time with both of you individually. It sounds like he doesn't want to spend time with DC and that is of concern.

What do you mean? You do not make sense.

If you can afford a childminder or nursery can you get a part time job and not depend on him. You may resent him as your always home.

Well done for getting fit - it’s important in my view to have some time for yourself. Could you go to a gym with a crèche facility?
I had three under three and used to pay for a couple of hours in the gym crèche - one for exercise and the other for leisurely shower and coffee bliss….
It sounds very stressful rushing home to a fraught DH and it doesn’t sound as
if it’s working for either of you.
I also agree that spending time together as a couple is vital and would make time for that.
Good luck!

Why don't you hire someone to help out and give you some free time - for yourself and also for a date night once per week.