SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

It's kinda like neither of you are listening to each other. You want him to come on time instead of going for drinks, but when he does come home you're in bed super early with your child. Use a monitor and spend your evenings together. This may encourage him to come home earlier too.

It's not ridiculous to follow the NHS's safe sleep guidelines to reduce chances of SIDS. I would say it is foolhardy behaviour to be encouraging parents into doing so.

Having a baby is a choice.
Working at £250K + job is a choice.
Going to Gym is a choice.
Many people have no choice. I see phrases such as "First carer" and "second carer" - "SAHM" ? do you "stay at home"? or do you RAISE YOUR CHILD??
Stay At Home Mum has an air of punishment about it. Raising your own child - has a duty about it.
If you can not adjust your mindset away from your strong desire to do your own thing - as if your child is a car - then divorce is inevitable.

Your DH (what is DH?) has only one choice, as far as you are concerned - End his job and get another job. This may be a real and proper concern but it has to be faced.
I would not be able to live working 13 hours per day with the added pressure of facilitating my partner's early morning Gym session worried that he could be late from the Gym because of some incident or whatever.
You are living as separate people with the common link of a child. You must hammer this out and make real decisions.
I would rather have less money, a smaller house, no car, and be happy raising my child.

The baby is 5 months, not 2 months. I would say a very large proportion of parents use a monitor for a couple of hours in the evening in order to get some downtime.

My DC is 8 months, I remember being like the OP and at 4 months, was too afraid to use the monitor for a couple of hours in the evening. I was talking to one of my best friends who is an A&E consultant, told her my fears and she said I was being ridiculous and so long as the monitor was on loud and we were following safe sleeping guidelines in terms of empty cot and baby to sleep on back, it was fine to have a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening.

So there you go, OP. He's seeing someone else.

Oh, and he's got a shit job.

Sorted.

A lot of people meet or have calls with recruiters outside of business hours.

"A mere recruitment job. .....I'd be telling him..."

Jesus, you sound like a nightmare.

Erm, there's actually a very good reason for a recruitment job not to be 9-5, namely that the majority of the candidates they are trying to recruit into new roles, including almost all the good ones, will be at work during those hours. I've met with quite a few recruiters in my time and it was almost always for coffee at 8am or another kind of drink after 6pm.

This thread is so depressing.

Earning money to support a family is great and yes it requires sacrifice but it doesn’t mean you can totally check out of parenting your children.

If a woman posted on here - AIBU, I earn £250k so don’t think I need to help raise my children? She would be absolutely slaughtered!

Yes, the OP should explore getting help to allow her to go to the gym etc but some of the posts on here suggest that she should do 100% of childcare whilst putting up with her husband doing whatever the fuck he wants and still be waiting at the door in stockings and suspenders every night!

Whenever there is "SAHM" in a thread title, the thread will inevitably run to 1000 posts. Everyone feels the need to pontificate. Very odd.

No, that's not what the OP's husband does.

You don't make 250k in recruitment by getting unemployed layabouts a few shifts in a warehouse FFS.

You make 250k in recruitment by placing other very high earning individuals into jobs paying even more megabucks than they were earning before, and taking a cut of their starting salary from the employer as payment for finding the perfect person for the job.

You clearly know nothing about top level recruitment. It’s all about networking and high salaried individuals won’t want their employers to know about their job search, hence put of hours and out of office. He’s not getting all that money for working in the Job Centre.

It doesn’t matter what job he does though does it, people seem to be missing the point. His job keeps him out of the home 7.30-6.30pm, he then chooses to either go to the pub or come home and stay downstairs whilst he could be spending time with his child!

I would be very pissed off if I was your dh about the morning classes.

You have a massive income and could pay for some babysitting to go to classes during the day.

He is however in the wrong for the evening crap. He should be home earlier in the evening to spend some time with his family or what is the point of him being in a family? He should also be looking after kids and doing bedtimes etc so you can go out more in the evening.

I agree. I don't care how much he earns or how important he thinks he is, he's still a parent! What would he do if you were ill? Yes you chose to be an SAHM but he chose to be a father, so he should act like one.

You deserve to have time off for yourself and to go to 'the gym as often as he goes to the pub. If you didn't go I bet he'd moan you were getting too fat or some shit.

I think you'd be better off on your own and working tbh.... I very much doubt you getting a job would result in him suddenly wanting to be a father and picking up more parenting.

He has shown who he is.

I'm surprised that someone didn't ask if he really wanted a baby, or just wanted to keep hold of his twenty years younger wife. OP he hasn't wanted life to change for him, or you as a couple, does he like having a young woman on his arm to show off? Not to be harsh but I've seen it before were the older man doesn't think about his younger wife as a person who has emotional needs and that might continue if you want to study etc, because as you say your present earnings wouldn't be worth it. I'd call a truce for a couple of months and then discuss how you see life being next year and in the future for both of you. Think about your future and you as a woman in your 50's, heading towards a pension, with him in his late 70's, or not around.

100% agree. Op you sound really entitled and lazy tbh. When I was in mat leave I did everything home and chil related...then I went back to work and home stuff and child is now 50.50. As for his drinking, it sounds like he works in a high stress environment and needs to unwind which I wouldn't blame him. You could easily do PT another time. If you want equality then you need to go back to work.

She doesn't want equality, she wants all living costs paid and her husband to do her bidding.

You both need to have a proper conversation, airing grievances and planning a way forward that you are both happy with. It will obviously involve compromise on both your parts but at the moment you both know the current situation is not working.

Yes YABU to go to early morning gym classes when DH is trying to get out the door for a long day's work.

If you don't want to use a creche or sitter as DC is too young then you'll just have to wait / assess when you change your mind.

YABU to want DH home straight from work when you're just going to go to bed anyway so he won't be seeing you either way.

Going forward how about you agree on one or two evenings per week where DH will come home and you two will spend the evening together.

The other 3-4 evenings you both do as you please. Bed for you / pub or work late for him.
The 1 or 2 evenings together might just land up being enough of a catalyst for change that you'll both want to do it more often.

I agree with PPs that you need to be hands off with DC when your DH is caring for him, if this means taking yourself off so you can't see what's happening then do that - maybe there's a weekend gym class for you?

Changing the dynamics is not easy, but IF you both want to change, can agree on a compromise and can begin to see / reap the benefits, then it's do-able.

Alcohol is never the answer to a stressful working day.
I think on mumsnet we used to be more mindful of the impact of the early months of your first baby on a woman, and showed a bit more kindness and sensitivity. That doesn't mean universal agreement with everything she says, but it would mean at least not kicking her when she is down.

She has one five month baby. I’m pretty sure she gets many minutes to herself. She’d get many more if she’d use some of the almost unlimited amount of money she can access to pay for a babysitter. She’s making a rod for her own back. Zero sympathy.