SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Bit of an assumption isn't it? I have a friend and her DH works away for the money, not really present in their kids lives apart from occasional weeks here and there. They are rolling in money, DC1 has gone off the rails as instead of having love thrown his way he's just had money thrown his way. And they now realise this when he's just last year failed all of his GCSEs.

No, I would imagine that kids who grow up in houses where the parents are together but dad is always on the periphery, emotionally unavailable and just plain disinterested grow up far more emotionally damaged than children who live in single parent families. Cos dad doesn't give a shit but mum runs round after him and brushes it under the carpet? Fucks kids right up.

But we women have full control over who sires our children. They knew what circumstances they were creating.

Don't want a workaholic husband, deadbeat boyfriend, etc., for your children's other parent, don't mate with them. I am always surprised at the "but I thought he'd change when the baby was here" mentality. People don't change.

When my DC were small we instituted the custom that DH did bath and bedtime on the days he wasn't working late. I wonder if that would work here? Agree the nights, Mondays and Wednesdays, say as the nights he puts DC to bed, and make yourself scarce.

just get childcare

or get him to reduce his hours & help me

more

Ahh so it’s all womens fault when men want to have a baby and then fuck off….🙄 In this case he promised OP he would cut down on hours and then didn’t. Are you saying women should assume all men are liars, or would that be dangerously close to man hating?!

How about we just make men responsible for their own actions?

But I wouldnt have had a kid with someone who worked like the ops oh

yep this was my dad. I love him & he provided well but not the man I was interested in marrying.

It really wouldn’t make sense for me to go back to work and pay for childcare. DH would also hate DC going to nursery full time.

The sense it makes is that your DH has to then share the load.

I think you probably do expect him to - if only in the broad social sense that you chose to have children with him in the knowledge that that’s the kind of father he’d be!

I think your DH’s idea of being a father and husband is pretty narrow and a bit selfish (with the going to the pub and the not wanting to get organized for the mornings). But I think your idea of being a mother and wife is pretty narrow and a bit, if not selfish, self and baby centered.

There are three people in your family and you all need to be building relationships with each other. At the moment, the only relationship that’s getting any attention or resources spent on it is the one between you and the baby.

You need quality family time (which you may be getting at the weekend, it’s not clear how much his work impinges), your DH needs to be building up his bond with the baby, and you and DH need to be spending time together maintaining your relationship and what brought you together in the first place.

There are many ways you could all do that. Your DH’s idea of finding someone you trust to leave the baby with sometimes isn’t a bad one, but you may be able to do other things instead. He needs to actually want to look after his baby, though. I have yet to see a family work out truly well when the father avoids all opportunities for parenting his brood without their mother around.

Yes that’s true. I just mean that he spends time with them
because he wants to, but because I’m forcing him to in any way. He adores them.

Your in the midst of the worst of it so I wouldn’t rock the apple cart too much if you wish to overall keep the status quo ie. you SAHM and him working.

Good gyms / health clubs have crèche from 3 months old. You get a bleeper to come back if needed. Would recommend signing up to one of those. I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to be looking after babe in the morning as that’s the most stressful part of the day IMO.

I would also try to find a childcare option you can trust. You will need time to go and do stuff yourself. Whether that’s a haircut, health appointment etc. You might be lucky enough to find a nanny who is between jobs and flexible. Another option which some friends used was a doula who often have a lot of downtime whilst awaiting births.

Just explain it doesn’t look like hard work but really is. It’s 24/7. You have no time for socialising or yourself but your going to figure it out so that you can.

Goodluck

DH was earning 6 figures, when DC were little, and was out networking 3 - 4 nights a week. As we had twins, he looked after one twin every evening and all weekend, while I looked after the other, and we looked after older DS between us. He used to look after all three, while I went shopping at a weekend for a break from them. He used to take DS to football and cook dinner on Sunday.

DS earns nearly 6 figures. He was told to become a partner, he needed to do corporate networking in the evenings, and things like charity marathons at weekends. He told them, getting home to see granddaughter before bedtime was more important to him. When DDIL went back to work, every other weekend after maternity leave, he looked after both DGC all weekend, after doing work up to 17 hours a day in the week. He cooks dinner 3 nights a week, while DDIL cooks 4 dinners a week. We babysit for them sometimes, and for a weekend occasionally. (We are still caring for the DDs some of the time)

It’s time OP, your DH stepped up to the plate and did some parenting. Working long hours is no excuse.

Why don't you dumb down? Sell your house. Both get part-time jobs then you will have time together and time with the child.

You seem to want a child, knowing your husband is a hard-working high-earner. Then resent him for working hard?? You can not have both. Ideally, you should drop to less income = fewer hours = lower standard of living = plenty of time together.

Also, you do not need a gym to get fit. You could both walk the child in the morning.

By the way, there is a link to a similar thread at the bottom of this one but it's the man who's the sahp. He doesn't do ANYTHING else apart from look after the baby. No cleaning, laundry or cooking and the vast VAST majority of answers are blasting the OP (woman) for expecting him to do anything else because looking after a baby is such hard work. Very interesting.

But again, this removes any burden from him. HE wanted a baby knowing he worked longish hours and wanted to go to the pub several times a week. Why was it ok for him to decided that OP would cover all of his parenting and that his life shouldn’t have to change or become busier? Why can he have both?

To me it sounds like the OP has chosen to opt out of having a social life and resents that her husband has not made the same choice. They need to compromise but it sounds like neither is willing to do that.

The baby is 5 months old. How many women have a banging social life with a 5 month old baby?

Stop ""correcting" him with the baby, give him chance to learn his own way of doing things.
He is new to this too and if when he's trying to spend time with the baby all he gets is nagging that he is doing it wrong it's not going to help their relationship.

To a degree I think the OP has shut her DH out and he's let her.

They need to sit down and thrash out a way to move forward that get's her out, him involved with his child and their relationship back on track

And maybe there needs to be a counsellor to facilitate this and make them listen to each other

He's on a quarter of a million a year? Simply hire someone to take the kids while you go to the gym 🙄 Jesus he earns 10X my salary.

I try to operate by - to thine own self be true - the first thing to ask oneself is... am I willing to forfeit the high standard of living I have (we have)?
You can bet he works his backside off to receive the huge income they all live off of.
He must ask if it is worth losing his wife and child which is likely given the current environment.
He could have been a waster who does not work, sits drinking, or meets his mates every day.

Many answers give this man no credit at all for being a very hard-working man who affords his wife and child a very luxurious life - re possessions and money.
I am one of six siblings. Bthe my parents worked their fingers to the bone - literally.

What you both need to decide is, do you want your child to grow up in a happy family, or do you want it to have a minimal relationship with one parent and an overbearing one with the other?
The one person who is likely to be most affected by your relationship is your child. The longer you both continue to sallow the current set up to continue the worse it will be for your child in the long term.
You’ve got plenty of money, so spend some of it wisely and see a relationships counsellor before you both resent each other so much that you split up.