SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

My husband earns a similar amount and absolutely doesn’t ‘work his fingers to the bone’, what hyperbole. In fact having got to this level in his career he has far more freedom and flexibility than he’s ever had. He certainly doesn’t work as hard as a manual labourer on minimum wage for example. Same with many of our friends. The higher up the ladder they get, the more flexibility they have and the more they delegate.
Not saying this is the same for the OP’s DH, but it’s a complete myth that all high earners are working their fingers to the bone.

@SAHMworry I think you are probably making him feel a bit inadequate in your quest to do things your way - I do get it, when you are at home all the time your world becomes a lot smaller and it's easy to focus on routines etc because you lose the working routine, but in the meantime it does sound like he doesn't feel very wanted and you now have a chicken and egg situation- he's not around because he feels a bit superfluous (apart from income) and you feel he's not bonded enough or around enough . I think you need to have a night where he is in, baby out to bed , get a drink and a takeaway in and have a heart to heart about this rather than let it stew. He needs to take on board that he can't just 'opt out' and you might need to take on board that he needs to be left at times to get on with looking after baby in his own way - even if it's not your way

@SAHMworry

dont go to bed every night at the same time as your baby op!

stay up, watch some telly, have a couple of drinks, chat to your husband - you are still you! You’re not just a mum!

at one point in the future your child will be off living there own life - remember that!!

Goodness. So many people thinking the OP is lucky. Because she has bagged a man with a Big Job that pays well. Who cares that he isn’t interested in his own baby.

If that’s luck, then give me bad luck any day. So many women with no self-respect around.

When the kids are older they may not remember Ocado but they will remember all the expensive activities, holidays and private schools that daddy's hard work provided for them.

@Liorae if dad doesn't get involved with them, they will remember the bank account of dad but not dad.

We don't really share either. He's not around that much.

Maybe if her husband did some of the night wakings and other baby care, she might have the energy for this.

Two sides to every story. I bet dh has a totally different view on things.........

Or they may just see a Dad that doesn't give a fuck and a Mum with little self respect.

I think some of you read into things too much

I barely saw my dad as a kid. I knew it wasn’t cos he couldn’t be arsed but cos he was working all hours to forge a career that would provide for us all

I never have never in adulthood bitched about how he wasn’t there, how he was just the bank of dad etc etc I just accepted it - as do most people

Totally agree

@LuckySantangelo35 depending how old you are, things have changed. I grew up in a typical dad works and SAHM world, where there was very much man's work and woman's work, and child rearing came under woman's work. But that is not seen as the norm anymore. In my group of friends even if there has been SAHMs the dad is also very much present in their children's lives. Only one couple where the man expected his wife to do everything home and child related, and everyone else thought he was an arse. All very happy when she finally realised it too and left him.

DH has a high pressured job, and since I went PT after having DS he has earned more than me, but has always been very present in DS's life. Tried to become for as many bedtimes as possible, attending many school events and being part of hobbies and clubs.

My children have a dad who works to provide for them and chooses to come home and see them every evening instead of going to the pub and coming home when they’re in bed. Best of both worlds.

@DanceMonster

my dad didn’t go to the pub though, he was working 🤷‍♀️

(I also work hard to provide for them and come home in the evening to put them to bed instead of going to the pub).

But this thread is about the OP. Who goes to the pub most evenings. Which is what my post was aimed at. Not seeing your dad because he’s working 14 hours a day (unusual but aware it happens) is different to not seeing you’re sad because he goes to the pub most evenings. Like the OP’s DH.

Being in recruitment, I’m assuming the 250k is mainly commission based and he works in a niche market. Whilst his hours aren’t particularly long - especially for recruitment who spend a lot of time speaking to candidates out of hours (as most people done want their current employment know they are looking to move on) in theory it should be relatively easy to step back if that’s the case?

Going to the pub after work, for me depends if it’s going by himself/mates or if it’s expected for work and networking and as such is pretty much an extension of the work day which just happens to be in a pub. I know for some people that sounds odd… but it is the case. I have to attend some after hours events that some times in pubs and bars and if not I am expected to takes a days holiday. Sometimes I drink, sometimes I don’t, but I’m not going to use a days leave just to not go. Although for me we are talking a couple of times a month rather than weekly, but I bet it’s not unheard of - particularly in headhunting where connections are everything.

This, the money really is a red herring to me.

The recruitment aspect is a good point @jellycakeandicecream. I imagine career high flyers want to keep their job hunts pretty quiet which would entail meetings outside office hours and premises.

Op, do you actually want to be a SAHM or not?

If you do, and if you want to do it without worrying about childcare or money, then you just have to take the rough with the smooth. We didn't live anywhere near our families when the DC were small (still don't) and my husband would have happily left the DC with paid babysitters etc, but I refused.

In your situation, I'd stop complaining and crack on with having more DC, quite frankly. Embrace the lifestyle - it's brilliant if you can devote your entire time to being with your DC without any money worries at all. You don't need to go to a gym to be fit. I managed fine with walking everywhere. You're trying to mould your husband into something that he's not. It sounds as if you want the lifestyle but not the husband who's never there, but you can't have it all ways.

If you want to go back to work soon, then that's obviously a very different situation and you need to practise leaving your DC now - either with your husband or with paid babysitters - if that's what you're planning to do in the medium term.

As things stand, you're heading for single parenthood of an only child. Is that what you really want?

Of course not. I know I should make the effort to go downstairs in the evenings. I suppose I just revert back to “why bother when he can’t even be bothered to come home and is at the pub instead”. But then I’m sure he thinks “why should I go home when she’s in bed, I’ll just go to the pub instead” and we’ve ended up both resenting the other.

I really admire your honesty and I think this almost tit for tat behaviour is really common in most relationships but people rarely admit it.
Having a baby puts a massive strain on a relationship and I don’t think people realise until they are in that situation.

Have you thought about some couples therapy?
I really think having a mediator can help you communicate with each other and solve the problems.

Your relationship doesn’t have massive issues and I definitely think they can be resolved.

Maybe the first step would be having 1 day a week where he’s home early and puts the baby to bed and you stay up later and have some quality time with him.
Hopefully this will lead on to you both wanting to do this more often.

I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but he was TOLD he should be doing charity marathons to make partner 😮😮😮

I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but he was TOLD he should be doing charity marathons to make partner 😮😮😮

Yes.

My main memories of childhood are my parents arguing about money.
The arguments stopped when my dad started a new, better paid job which meant he was away 2-3 nights a week.
I preferred the lack of tension over seeing him every day.

Things aren't always black and white.