SAHM. DH says I am selfish…

[SAHMworry]

Background info: I’m a SAHM. DH works a lot. Usually out by 7:30/8am and home by 7:30pm (although could be back by 6:30pm but stays late to get more done). Weekends is constantly on the phone working and often goes into work on days off. Earns very well (£250k+) and provides everything for me and DC.
DC is under 1. I do absolutely everything child related. DH wouldn’t even know what to feed DC, or what routine we have regarding naps and bottles as he just isn’t here enough to know. DC is asleep by 7:30/8 so he barely even sees them awake in the week.

Recently our relationship has just changed (since DC). DH often gets home so late that I’m already in bed (DC is in a sidecar cot and I still go to bed at the same time rather than leaving with a baby monitor although I intend to start with the monitor soon) and we barely exchange a few sentences. Even when DH is back by 7, I do bath and bedtime whilst DH stays downstairs unwinding and having a couple of drinks.

Which leads me onto the next issue, I resent how much he drinks and goes to the pub after work. He will often leave work on time and go to the pub… so he could have been home by 6:30 but instead goes to the pub so again, I am in bed with DC by the time he is home. We’ve discussed this many time and DH promises to be home earlier, which happens for about a week before he goes back to being late again. This happens probably twice a week… I would say he is home by 7pm twice a week MAX.

Recently I have started going to the gym. I do a couple of PT sessions during the week, and a couple of morning classes. These morning classes mean that DH has to look after DC before he goes to work, and due to timings, has to get ready for work at the same time. I come in and take baby straight off of him, which leaves him about 10 minutes before he has to leave out.

DH says this is selfish and that I shouldn’t do these sessions in the morning as it makes him late for work. I think he needs to be more organised and get ready before I leave so that he isn’t rushing around whilst looking after DC. He could have everything ready the night before to ensure he isn’t late… except he doesn’t and therefore rushes around once I’m back and is late. I get ready every day whilst looking after DC and manage not to be late for everything.

I am starting to resent being expected to do everything for DC (even though I don’t mind! It’s the principle), and can feel I have become cold towards DH which he has picked up on. He says he doesn’t understand what more I want as he provides absolutely everything for us and can’t do that without working so much. We agreed I would be a SAHM before having children and I love that I get to spend so much time with DC. DH thinks I need to “let go” with DC more and put them in their own room/use babysitters so that we can spend more time as a couple but I don’t want to do this - we have no family nearby and IMO DC is too young for their own room.

Sorry for the long post - but AIBU? Do I need to suck it up and realise that this is how things are with a high earning DH who provides everything? Our relationship is not great at all at the moment and I’m just not really sure where to turn.

Another 👏

OH "appreciates that I put my all into raising them and kind of just leaves me to it."

But that means he will never develop his own relationship with them.

In my experience, this is the way most SAHM/working father households operate.

Of course it won’t be the case for all families with that set-up, but it is for the ones I know.

Mum and kids are one unit. Dad exists on the edge and provides money. Benefit to mum is that she doesn’t have to work and gets to spend all her time with the kids. Benefit to dad is that he has kids but doesn’t have to look after them, and has a wife to cook, clean and have sex with.

It wouldn’t be for me but it’s simple and everyone knows where they stand - I see why that set-up worked for many many generations and continues to work for lots of families today.

Well I just hope he doesn’t complain when the kids get older and can’t be bothered with him.

Thanks for this.

DH isn’t narcissistic, just prioritises work about everything. To put it in context, he went into work for a couple of hours after visiting hours were over on the day I gave birth to DC…
He says all of the right words and would be horrified that people thought he wasn’t interested in DC, but his actions don’t match up to his words.

He has said he feels that I interrupt him when he’s dealing with DC by correcting him and advising him what to do. I don’t feel I do, but I’ve clearly made him feel like that. It’s just hard to let go and let him crack on when he’s never around DC so doesn’t know DCs routine.

@EmmaDilemma5 this is such a ridiculous suggestion. Who are you to tell him how much money he "needs" especially when other posters are already talking about how much CM OP could get.

They could make some pretty simple adjustments and be absolutely fine, but neither of them wants to make those changes.

@AHelpfulHand wouldn't your kids rather have an interested Dad and a Mum with some bloody self respect? Beyond wanting expensive clothes and a big house? Women in generations before us literally died to get us steps closer to equality. People like you make it pointless.

And what about the kids in that? What’s the benefit to them of having one parent constantly demonstrating that they’re unimportant to them?

Exactly this.

Thank god for those swings and roundabouts. Would be terrible not being able to shop at Ocado and having to slum it in Primark 🤯

When the kids are older, it's not Ocado they'll remember, it's the lack of their Dads presence that can't be replaced.

This was the case for past generations wasn’t it? Fathers came home, gave their children a pat on the head and went off to sit in an armchair by the fire, not to be disturbed.

You’re right of course. And I’m not saying I think it’s right, just that it’s only relatively recently in human history when we’ve expected men to put the effort into developing meaningful bonds with their children.

He has said he feels that I interrupt him when he’s dealing with DC by correcting him and advising him what to do. I don’t feel I do, but I’ve clearly made him feel like that. It’s just hard to let go and let him crack on when he’s never around DC so doesn’t know DCs routine.

1. So OP's OH not only tells her to go out while he looks after DC but she doesn't want to

1. he also tried to look after DC but OP then constantly interferes and tells him off for doing things wrong.

Sorry but I don't know how he is being framed as a deadbeat dad and OP is getting so much sympathy on this thread. I wouldn't try much either if he I was him & I wouldn't agree to look after my child in the AM when leaving for work at 7.30am when my partner could go and exercise at absolutely any time of the day

Yes he did. I also worked similar hours (not quite so long), so the pub trips didn’t piss me off quite as much as they do now. Although even back before DC the lateness was an issue but not in the same way as it is now.

DH insisted his would work less hours whilst I was pregnant but it just hasn’t materialised and he just shrugs or brushes it off when I bring it up.

Sorry but no one gets damaged by one parent working a lot & generally kids benefit from the extra money.

Tons of parents having to work second jobs just to keep a roof over their heads & they still have a perfectly ok relationship with their children.

So many sensationalist comments on this thread

Sadly the safer sleep guidance is fairly incompatible with a sensible bedtime routine especially if you have more than one child. I probably did stay with my first when she fell asleep during the evenings. My second was so overstimulated by the first child she needed to be in a dark room asleep by 7 from about 8 weeks. There is no way I could have stayed in the room with her while sorting out my other child etc. I slept overnight with them both as per the guidance.

The OP is really not that unusual in not wanting to use childcare for a 5 month old. I also think a lot of dads are a bit edged out with very little babies and then do much more with toddlers (when they get more interesting) so he still might change.

I'm glad someone else is actually digesting the facts rather than jumping on some kind of faux feminist, man-bashing bandwagon.

What's ridiculous?! That £250k is obviously way more than any family needs per year?

Do you live in the real world?

I don’t expect my DH to develop bonds with his children, he has chosen to. Because he chose to have children, he loves them and he wants to be involved in their lives.

I’m not making excuses here but DC really needs to be in bed by 8pm. There is no way they would settle downstairs with the TV on. Next feed is usually 1-3AM.

OP - a question - do you really think that every parent of a baby up the age of 6 months goes up to bed with them at 7.30ish and never spends an evening with their partner? Of course they don't.

He has said he feels that I interrupt him when he’s dealing with DC by correcting him and advising him what to do. I don’t feel I do, but I’ve clearly made him feel like that. It’s just hard to let go and let him crack on when he’s never around DC so doesn’t know DCs routine.

I'd recommend going for a walk one weekend and leaving him to it. You have to let DH find his own way. You also have to accept that, unless he's putting the baby at risk, if his way is different to yours then it really doesn't matter.

I am slightly worried for you, in that it kind of sounds like he is treating you like a baby making and caring machine.
You should question if he decided he was old enough to have a family and then married a much younger woman to do it.
Meanwhile, you enjoy being a SAHM, you don´t have to work because he provides, and before you know it, you are completely dependent on a man who isn´t that interested in the family he created.

Because those parents still make time for their children. My partner is ‘damaged’ if you like, from his dad being exactly that kind of father. Completely disengaged and uninterested - why on earth would you imagine that has no impact on children? I thought dads were meant to be important??

"And what about the kids in that? What’s the benefit to them of having one parent constantly demonstrating that they’re unimportant to them?"

So are you saying that all the lone parents here whose ex-boyfriends are disinterested or absent, are providing a deficient upbringing for their children? Hmm. Wonder how they'd feel about that characterization.

He has said he feels that I interrupt him when he’s dealing with DC by correcting him and advising him what to do.

That is the point I was making above. If only you look after the baby, then only you will be clued into her needs and have the routine down to a fine art. When he is looking after her, take yourself off elsewhere so that he does not feel he is being scrutinised - if he feels like that, then why would he want to do any of the care?

My little ones had a "Daddy Day" when he looked after them and I made myself scarce - either at work or just out - and they developed routines that applied with Dad that did not apply with me. It did them no harm. They learned that people are different - a good lesson.

Why on earth would I blame the woman? I’m not a misogynist. I blame the men and yes, they are absolutely letting their children down, amazed you’re implying they aren’t.

Of course not. I know I should make the effort to go downstairs in the evenings. I suppose I just revert back to “why bother when he can’t even be bothered to come home and is at the pub instead”. But then I’m sure he thinks “why should I go home when she’s in bed, I’ll just go to the pub instead” and we’ve ended up both resenting the other.